Any Dream Will Do

Last Saturday was closing night for the Murray's Arts Production of Joseph where I played one of four narrators. It was my first musical since 2007 when I was Ruth in Pirates of Penzance at the same venue. Last year Cameron did Scarlet Pimpernel with this production team and I ended up helping with wigs. Well, part of me wanted them to know what my other talents were. So, last March I decided to audition. I was a little bit nervous, mostly because of the way I see myself. Let me digress for just a moment (now this isn't a pity party, it's just something I really struggle with). Countless times on this blog I have lamented about my size and struggles with weight. Honestly and truly it is hard for me to love my body and hard to believe that others would find me attractive. I feel like I have a beautiful face and I am grateful my body isn't oddly shaped but I am just too large. And, I know, I know I can do something about it and to be honest, I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I am trying to make good choices daily that will produce a result. But, I have some mental/self esteem block I am trying to work through. But enough digressing... so sometimes I feel I won't be cast because of the way I look.
 But, those fears turned out to be unfounded. I was cast along with three other ladies for the role of the narrator. At first I thought 4 was excessive, but it is what it is and it ended up being pretty cool to have some tight harmonies in the songs. We each had individual solo's in the song and then sang some of it together.
I had a great experience. I made many new friends and I am so glad I did the show. Also, it was crazy to me how much praise was heaped upon me on a daily basis. It was quite overwhelming. In addition, we had these beautiful dresses that had been custom made for each of us. The seamstress took special care with mine to make sure it fit my body in a flattering manner. (It's hard to be onstage next to such lovely, skinny gals, but I think I held my own pretty well.) It blew me away how many compliments I received on how I look.
And yet... when my Mom came to see the show, she commented to my sister how talented I am, but how she wishes I would just lose weight so I could get married. As if THAT is the magic formula. I know she means well, and I understand where she is coming from. (A little disclaimer about my Mom- she is incredibly supportive, loving and amazing and I do not wish to paint her in a negative light. I think it is just her inherent need to "fix" things. She sees that sometimes I am sad that I am single and she cannot understand why. So she looks at what she perceives as the only logical reason- my weight. Please don't misunderstand- my Mom is one of my heroes, and one of my biggest cheerleaders and I know she meant well, it just was hard to hear.) But, it just was a big blow to my confidence. Then instead of feeling confident and beautiful onstage- I just felt fat. When I saw the pictures, all I saw was my fat body... No one could tell and it didn't really affect my performance (It is

called "acting" after all..) But, it was hard for me. The last two nights before closing night were especially hard although I am sure no one knew what I was going through my brain. Then on closing night, I just decided to 'work it'. One of my absolute favorite shows on TV is called "Drop Dead Diva". The premise is that a model named Deb and a plain Jane lawyer named Jane die on the same day. Well Deb refuses to accept her fate and hits the 'return' button and it sent back, but ends up in Jane's body. So she goes from being a model to being a plus size girl. What I love about this show is how confident Jane is. How she is literally a model inside who knows she is beautiful. Who doesn't hide behind her insecurities but embraces who she is. I love that she doesn't act like a fat person, she is attractive and confident. Being a fat person, you always fall into the role of comedian, best friend and confidante. I am super comfortable and confident in any of the roles. But, me be attractive? How can you believe it when I don't believe it. That's why I love that show so much because SHE believes it, so everyone else does too. So, on closing night, I chose to believe that I am attractive. And it felt good, it felt great in fact. But the makeup is washed away and the dress is off and your body is still yours. I've often believed the first step in being successful with weight loss is learning to  love yourself enough to make the change. Not hating yourself which causes depression which causes the cycle of emotional eating to continue... It seems counter-productive to love yourself but want to change yourself... So I guess the key is?
I really didn't intend for this to be a post about my body issues. I just wish I had more confidence and belief in myself in this particular area. But, right now I've recommitted for the billionth time to be healthy. But, this time instead of setting huge lofty goals, I am just trying to be ok today. I don't care about tomorrow. But today, I am going to make good choices. I am going to make today count. Because, my health is important.
Anyway, here are some fun shots of the show. It truly was an awesome experience!!

The narrators with the camel (who had a tendency to try and upstage me, but failed!!)

The beginning of the show with the children's chorus.

Watching Potipher's wife seduce Joseph.

A gratuitous shot of Cameron shirtless while we look on in the jail scene.

The Narrators with Joseph in a scandalous moment!

And finally, the four narrators. It truly was a joy to work with these talented ladies. We each brought something special and unique to the table!

A Thick Skin... Whatever

Being a drama teacher has made me realize how much of a thick skin I need to have. I wish everyone could get what they want. I wish everyone could read their name on a list next to the part they've always dreamed they would play. But what would Fiddler on the Roof be with 30 Tevye's??? Not Fiddler. You need the leads, you need the supporting parts, you need the ensemble. EVERYONE is important. Unfortunately, not everyone gets the recognition. I try VERY hard to make every person who does a show with me feel valued, loved and important. I am sick of being scrutinized and second guessed. I've realized in addition to developing a thick skin I need to develop the attitude of 'whatever'. You think I made a mistake? Whatever. You think I play favorites? Whatever.
I hate casting shows. I hate knowing some people will completely disagree with my choices. I hate knowing there will be tons of gossip and second guessing. I HATE IT.
I wish all the parents (yes I said parents first because it seems that they are the ones to perpetuate the gossip more than the kids...) and students could sit in on the casting process and understand how agonizing it is for me. So here it is-
Dear People who care,
Whenever I cast a show the #1 thing I take into consideration is the students. I try to pick shows that will allow as many as possible to shine. Then I take into consideration the community, I know the overall values and feelings. But, EVERY SINGLE SHOW HAS QUESTIONABLE CONTENT!!! It is what you choose to emphasize, but reality is that you need the dark and the light. But I am aware and I try to meet the needs of the community. I am not going to RENT at Hunter High. But, I am here to teach. And there are Nazi's in the Sound of Music, but I will TEACH the kids what that means. And if you don't want your child to be in my production because of that. That is fine. I really don't care. But you can't take the Nazi's out of the Sound of Music and I will NOT change the show.
I know when I cast a show that I am dealing with kids putting themselves out there to be judged. I know it is hard, I know their feelings and ego are on the line. I try to make them feel comfortable and confident. But the fact is, some kids are more talented. When casting a musical I look at the following things as equally important- Musicality, Acting Ability, Physical Appearance, Reliability and Chemistry. Sometimes I have to sacrifice some traits but ideally all should be there. For example: this fall I am doing the Sound of Music, I have an incredibly talented kid who played Finch in "How to Succeed..." However, he looks his age and there is NO way he would be believable as a father to seven children. So, he is not the lead. Now, you may think your kid is the best singer in the universe, but as American Idol has taught us, sometimes parents put delusional ideas into their children's heads. And you may enjoy hearing them sing, but if I don't, they will not be singing a solo in my musical. Because it is MY musical, I make the choices.
Casting is a GIANT puzzle. But, I do it sensitively and prayerfully. I love these kids. I appreciate their hard work and I understand what a sacrifice it is to be in a show.
But, understand this. I have to make hard choices. I am being judged on the quality of my show. Yes, I am going to give every kid who wants to be in my musical an opportunity. But, I want to produce the best possible show that I can. I do not do anything half-hearted. So, stop judging me, stop gossiping about me and stop second guessing the moves that I make. Teach your kids it's ok to not be the center of attention and the idea that the group is often more important than the individual.
Thank You
-Ms. Parkes
P.S. I cast my nieces in the Sound of Music because I know they can do it. They are both insanely talented. I can discipline them easily and I know they will do what I need them to do. Are there other kids in the community who would be a better choice? Probably. But I DON'T CARE! Putting together a musical is hard enough, I don't want kids and parents running around that I don't know making my life more difficult. So I cast my nieces. Will they be awesome? Yes. Is it nepotism? Perhaps. DO I CARE? No!
...Whatever!
It's MY show, MY job, MY program and long after the kids leave. I will still be there...
Whatever...

I'm Sorry- But I'm Not That Strong

Today was graduation. I always get a little emotional seeing my students achieve this milestone in their lives. And then the din from the loud parents cheering, the air horns and the fluorescent lights give me a headache and I am soon over an emotional attachment I may have felt. I will miss them, but there will always be more. I am interested to see where life takes them.

I have been busy with rehearsals for "Joseph..." I play one of the Narrators (yes I said one of them, there is four- which I feel is a bit excessive- but hey, not my production.) It's been frustrating, fun and time consuming. I'm glad school is finally out so I will be able to get adequate sleep!

My Senior performed a play called, "Save the Drama for Your Mama" at the beginning of May.

 It was a compilation of student written monologues and scenes about their experiences that led them to being a senior in high school. It was very moving. I received the following email from one my Students' Mom-
I just wanted to thank you for the program the other night. I was so wowed. It made me look at all of them in a new way. Some of them I've known since they were little and some of them I meet as Todd became involved with them at high school. I love a good play, but it was fun to see them push the edges of their space and think about what they've done and learned through the whole experience. I laughed and I cried and was touched by some of the tender emotions that were expressed.
Please pass on my congratulations and excitement for a job well done. They've turned into some pretty neat adults.
It goes without saying that you have been a wonderful catalyst for all of them. Thanks for being such a good role model and taking them further than they would have gone alone. We think you're awesome!
Julie...the grateful mama

I've also been trying to cast my musical for next year. A week ago I had dance auditions for Once Upon a Mattress, then realized it wouldn't be the right fit for my students. Changed the show to Cinderella, held call-backs and cast the show. Called the publishing house this morning to change the title and discovered CINDERELLA is RESTRICTED because of the upcoming Broadway run. So, changed the show to Sound of Music, held Maria and Capt. von Trapp call backs and cast the show. HOPEFULLY no more changes will be needed! I was incredibly bummed when I found out I couldn't so Cinderella. And it took me about a day to get over it. It was hard. But after I cast the kids (including my two adorable nieces)- I began to feel so much better about the show. And now I am finally excited! I have a really cool concept for The Lonely Goatherd song... I am also SO grateful for my production staff, they are truly a joy to work with.

Memorial Day is always a little hard for me. I always go and visit my Dad. Usually by myself...

 It was a gorgeous day and as I walked toward his grave, I was overcome with emotion. Normally I am pretty composed, I usually stay and chat with him a bit. But this time, I just couldn't stop crying. It has been 9 years since he passed away and I still have a little hole in my heart. I still have questions, I still have unresolved emotions. I still wish I had a Dad. I think we would be friends. I wish he had made different choices...

So, I've been feeling a lot of stress lately. And wishing I had someone to buoy me up. I was listening to my ipod the other day and the song, Anything But Lonely played-
Anything but lonely,
Anything but empty rooms.
There's so much in life to share -
What's the sense when no one else is there?

Anything but lonely,
Anything but only me.
Quiet years in too much space -
That's the thing that's hard to face and
You have a right to go
But you should also know
That I won't be alone for long.

Long days with nothing said
Are not what lie ahead -
I'm sorry, but I'm not that strong.

Anything but lonely,
Anything but passing time.
Lonely's what I'll never be,
While there's still some life in me and
I'm still young, don't forget
It isn't over yet -
So many hearts for me to thrill.
If you're not here to say
How good I look each day,
I'll have to find someone who will.

Anything but lonely,
Anything but empty rooms.
There's so much in life to share -
What's the sense when no one else is there?
What's the sense when no one else is there?

I just kept thinking about the lyric, "I'm sorry but I'm not that strong." Well, I guess I am, but I wish I wasn't sometimes. But the summer is here, so I'll have a break, then the Sound of Music in the fall...
And life goes on...I'm sorry but I'm not that strong...

But, life is good. Just lonely and crazy and fulfilling and stressful and beautiful and fleeting.

Two months later

Trying to figure things out.
So, I met this guy recently, well I was actually set up with him. An acquaintance from high school out of the blue contacted me and asked me if she could give him my number because she thought we would be a good match. Well after a few months of missing each other, we finally went out. It was an interesting date. He was easy to talk to, but I didn't really feel strongly one way or another. When he dropped me off, he gave me a rather awkward hug and I was sure he wouldn't contact me again.
I was wrong, we have now been on four dates. I think I may like him. Ok, so I can't tell if he likes me. On our 2nd date we had a random conversation about personal space. Well apparently he has personal space issues (which explains the slightly awkward hug from the first date). He has hugged me after each date, but honestly, his hugs are pretty... well not fulfilling.
I fall in love easily.
I hate unrequited love.
So, I kinda like him.
He is 35 years old and has never been married. I'm not sure why. He is smart, charming, good looking, slightly awkward, opinionated, sweet and an exceptionally good man. (He makes sure to send birthday cards to all of his nieces and nephews, I think he has 18, which I found to be very endearing).
I'm afraid I've been too open with him. I've already told him the reader's digest version of Dad. ... too much too soon? (Sometimes I wonder if my being open about things really is a good choice...)
He's not touchy at all. You can usually tell if someone likes you because they find small opportunities to touch you. He doesn't. Is it the personal space issue? Why does he keep asking me out? Does he like me? Or is he merely wanting someone to do things with? But, why me?
I hate this... figuring it out. I am sure it is premature and he probably doesn't even know himself. However, I don't want to like him by myself. I don't want to get prematurely attached.
But, I kinda like him.
And I am going through a phase where I really don't want to be single anymore. Most of the time, I am perfectly fine with being single. I've been living by myself for almost 2 months and I don't like being alone so much. Although I am not sad about single, it's more that I want my situation to change.
I want someone to share my life with. Someone to be there...
He is so different from all the men I've ever liked. I can't figure him out. He is so hard to read.
I like him. I hope my heart can take this.
I am just used to unrequited love, unrealistic hope, and having a broken heart.
And I want something new.
And I kinda like him.
I hope he likes me.

I wrote this post almost 2 months ago, I never published it because at the time it seemed too private. But, my how things have changed.
So shortly after I wrote this, he stopped contacting me. And to be honest at first I was perplexed, but I was never really sad. Just hopeless. It was nice to have hope for a moment. Hope that something would finally work for me. I think he stopped contacting me because I was too open. At first (and as is evidenced by earlier in this post) I felt like maybe I made a mistake. But, I realized- being open is who I am, I don't like keeping things inside, I don't like secrets. So, if he didn't like me- that's ok, I am probably not the right girl for him and he is probably not the right guy for me.

It was just nice to have a little hope...

We are the champions!

So far, this month has been pretty epic.
For Spring Break, I organized a trip for 70 students and 10 chaperones to go to DISNEYLAND!! I'd been working on the trip since the musical closed last November (on top of everything else that I do.) One day, when I was working on the trip- a student asked me if all my hard work would be worth it. I told him if the kids gave me no problems, and if they were respectful then, YES, it would all be worth it! And it was! I was so impressed with their behavior. We will definitely be going again next year!
 We left on Tuesday at 7:00 am, I had asked my friend Sarah to come (because she is just so awesome!) And we set out on our 10 hour bus ride to California. On the way, the 'short bus' broke down, so we arrived later than I had anticipated.  But luckily, we didn't have any plans for the first evening.
The next day... DISNEYLAND! Oh how I love the Disney Parks!

 We went on Splash Mountain! I've never gotten more soaked on this ride, it was pretty intense.

That evening we took the kids to Medieval Times. It was crazy! Our section was definitely the loudest! If you haven't experienced Medieval Times with 70 teenagers, then, if I may say you haven't EXPERIENCED Medieval Times!

A few kids bought some light sabers and had spontaneous duels!

And I finally saw "World of Color" and loved it!

 Yep, it was AWESOME! The whole purpose of the trip was to have the kids do performing arts workshops with Disney. I went to a Puppet Lab workshop and it was one of the coolest workshops I have ever been to. (Unfortunately they didn't allow photography) The brought out these puppets from Bear in the Big Blue House and Jojo's circus. It was so neat to see the kids light up when they got to play with characters from their childhood. Heck, I even lit up to. And I learned a lot of puppetry technique. I love these kids, and it was so awesome to share this experience with them.

When we got back, we had a week until State Drama competition. So I went into preparation mode. We had a showcase on Wednesday night, which was very helpful in getting the kids ready for State.
First, our one act performed on Friday afternoon. Now, this one act was frantic. And to be honest, I thought we would do ok, but I wasn't really expecting anything.
But, about 10 minutes into their performance, I sat back and thought to myself, "Wow, this is pretty good." And then it just got better. IT WAS FANTASTIC! And much to my surprise, our One Act placed THIRD overall! What??? It was such a pleasant surprise.
The next day was the individual events. They perform their piece three times in front of three different judges. And then the top 5 or 6 go to a medal round to determine 1st, 2nd and 3rd place.
My philosophy with these competitions is that I don't care how well they do (seeing as art is subjective) All I care about is the fact that they are prepared.
Well, as the result were coming in, most of my students were consistently getting the highest marks. I was so proud and humbled at the same time (if that is somewhat possible).
So, I had two kids go to the medal round- Stephen Short for pantomime and Courtney Burton for humorous monologue.
Stephen received a 4th place and Courtney took FIRST PLACE!!
And when all was said and done- We tied for THIRD place with Pleasant Grove High School. I couldn't believe it, I was flabbergasted! It was amazing! I wasn't expecting to do that well at state. Not that I thought we wouldn't do well, I just wasn't expecting to do THAT well. It was pretty cool!
Anyway, I am now in the midst of the Senior Show (we decided to do one we wrote ourselves) which performs in a week and a half. I hope it all comes together!

Building Character

Tonight was the Region Drama competition/festival. Every year the kids compete in the following categories: Contemporary Scenes, Classical Scenes, Dramatic Monologues, Humorous Monologues, Pantomime and Musical Theatre. Last week the kids competed in the one act (which I blogged about in my previous post). With the exception of musical theatre, the kids perform their piece in three different rounds in front of three different judges. (Musical Theatre the kids perform once in front of three judges).
I also hosted this year which meant I had to organize EVERYTHING! But, it was ok, just a lot of work. But, I was so grateful for my student volunteers. I had about 25 kids act as hosts, they dressed professionally and were so great! I wouldn't have been able to do it without them.
There is so much blood sweat and tears put into these events. And I want all the kids to do well and go to state.
But, inevitably some will not do as well and it always breaks my heart. I had a kid do a humorous monologue this year. He is a pretty shy kids with an interesting vocal delivery (his natural voice is actually a little robotic). Anyway, I thought he would do well with humorous monologue, but he didn't. And he was crushed because he didn't make it to state. I saw him in the hallway with a tear stained face. I asked him if he was ok, and he just said things like this are hard for a guy like him. I told him he is awesome and I appreciate so much the hard work he had put in. And my heart broke a little for him. Then most of the kids who don't make it state really take it in stride. I really try to prepare the kids for whatever happens, I wish they all could win. But, then what would that teach?
Building character. You win some, you lose some. I think it is so important to learn the lesson about losing. The important thing is to keep moving forward. In contrast I had another kid qualify for state, but not get straight superior ratings... and he was beyond mad. Seriously? I know it's hard but get over it! Sometimes I don't have sympathy for that. I know it's hard, but it's life.
And then the kids... the kids. I had 32 kids compete in region, 25 qualify for state and 18 recieve straight superior ratings! AMAZING!!
It's so interesting to listen as the ballots and critiques come into the tabulation room. I care so much about these kids. It was also especially cool for me this year. Because of how our region is organized, Taylorsville and Granger High School are with us. Well, because of my four years spent at Valley, I knew almost all the kids from those two schools. It was so cool to see them!! Such great memories with those kids!
I had another kid sing "It's Hard to Speak My Heart" from the musical, Parade. I had personally picked the piece for him and worked closely with him on the piece. This kid is amazing. It was so wonderful to read the feedback from the judges. I cried when I read the compliments he received. He is destined for greatness. My favorite one was, "Please pursue your art."...
After the results had been shared with the kids, my students rushed the stage and gave me the most suffocating group hug. As I was driving home, I started to think about how insanely lucky I am to be the person who has the opportunity to build character.
They love me so much. It is so humbling. Seriously, I am so honored to be their teacher. And in awe of the life that I lead.

Just Do Your Best

I used to think that during the fall musical was my busiest time of the year. I was wrong. It's March. Why? Two words- region competition... Each year there are two days devoted to this drama competition, a day of One Acts and then individual events (Contemporary Scene, Classical Scene, Humorous Monologue, Dramatic Monologue, Pantomime and Musical Theatre).
And of course, you want the kids to do their best, because like it or not, how well they do reflects on you. But Art is subjective...
So, in all honesty, all I care about is whether or not the kids are prepared. But, where is the line? How much do I make sure they do and how much do I leave up to personal motivation? And when do I let go of what it becomes and just be ok?
Today was the One Acts and we performed a difficult sketch comedy piece called "The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon." It's a frantic, chaotic parody of many fairy tales. The actors play multiple characters with multiple characterizations... in other words it may be the most insane thing I have ever put together. Also, with the rules, we have to keep the show under one hour... so that makes it even more frantic.

 Well, it went... ok. The judges had the same comments that I had been telling them for weeks. Diction, pacing, projection, clarity of character... I guess now these comments have more validity. The kids did a good job, it was highly entertaining, but lacked focus. Well, because only 3 out of 6 schools participated in region, by default, we are going to State in a month. If it wasn't for that fact, based on the judging, we wouldn't be going to state.

 I hope we will be ready. It's really difficult to fine tune a piece when the kids are still struggling with memorization. So, hopefully now we can take the opportunity to fine tune and do well at State. It has the potential to be amazing.

But, when will I find the time? In a week are the individual events, which I will be hosting at Hunter. I have to organize 6 schools, hundreds of students and about 25 judges. Not to mention ordering food, making sure the judges get paid and preparing my kids to be successful. I've been focusing so much on the one act that I haven't given enough time to the kids. And I am afraid they will bomb... So, my next few days will focus on making sure the kids are at least somewhat prepared.
But, truth be told, I am feeling a little burnt out. THE DRAMA NEVER ENDS! I love it, I do, but last week I was struck with and insane cold that stopped me dead in my tracks, and I am still struggling to bounce back. Since August, I haven't stopped. August-November- The Musical- I had a week respite, and then auditioned for the play which closed at the beginning of February, when I started working on the One Act. In addition, right now we have a student production, "Dial M for Murder" currently in rehearsals (and opens in 3 weeks... and I am scared). I am planning a performing arts tour to Disneyland for the first week of April for over 80 people. Then we have State Drama, and will be in rehearsals for the Senior Show, "Done to Death" which performs in May- then I will have one week until the Awards night and then... whew the end of school. Oh, and did I mention I have to teach? I'm trying (sometimes in vain) to have a social life and be healthy.
But, the kids... the kids. I love them. I just wish they would not be half-hearted sometimes. SERIOUSLY, BE MEMORIZED!! I hope they do ok with their individual events, and then I can work to fine tune them for state.
For the musical, I entered us into the Utah Musical Theatre Awards which is part of a National Musical Theatre Awards. The best actor and actress receive an all expenses paid trip to New York, where they have the opportunity to work with Broadway professionals. Well, with that being the top prize, how could I miss the opportunity to throw my hat in the ring?
Well, we were nominated for five awards! Best Actor (Josh Gandy), Best Supporting Actor (Adam Hutchinson), Best Ensemble, Best Set Design and Best Costume Design. (Although I am SOOOOO glad we didn't get a best musical nomination, because that means I won't be doing a production number at the awards on March 31st, and for that I am grateful!)
It is A LOT for one person to do. And sometimes I question my sanity. (I auditioned yesterday for Murray City's production of "Joseph" when the majority of rehearsals will be during the end of the year, although the performances will be in June.)
I hope it all goes well. Sometimes it's hard to emotionally separate myself when my kids don't do as well as I'd like. I never show them my true feelings, I just say art is subjective, and the most important thing is to prepare. But deep down, I want to be the best, I want to be known for my amazing program, I want my kids to thrive and be examples, I want to be at the top. But what am I willing to sacrifice? I try to leave the school at a decent hour and I try to keep my life balanced. So, I have to let go of expectations at times.
I just want them to do their best.
And I want a vacation.

In Honor of Love

So tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Aka, S.A.D. (Single awareness day, the day where you become super aware of your single status...)
Facebook is interesting. There are many posts about people doing wonderful things for their significant others, and many posts about how this holiday stinks.
So, where do I stand? I'm fine. Being single really is just the way it is, and since I don't have a significant other to heap sentimentality upon, I will instead write about a few things that I love. So, in no particular order, things I love on this Valentine's Day 2012-
1- Key changes in songs. A song is going along and then... excitement... a key change to bring it home. Love hearing it, love singing it even more!
2-Speaking of singing, have I mentioned HOW MUCH I LOVE TO SING!!!!! I am so grateful I was blessed with my voice. I love it, it is often cathartic.
3-Good friends... I have the best friends. The ones I see regularly, the ones I see rarely and the ones who can just pick up where we left off.
4- Spontaneous dance numbers with my students as we rule the hallways 'West Side Story' style... seriously, I'm THAT kind of teacher!
5- Hugs from my nieces. They are the two most loving people I know, and no matter what mood I am, their joy and light bring me so much joy!
6- Dreams
7- Applause for my students, I feel like a proud parent. Nothing, NOTHING beats the looks on their faces as they take their bows.
8- Watching the audience laugh at my show. The laughter where you are literally slapping your knee!
9- Second chances.
10- Forgiveness and letting go.
So, on this the eve where we celebrate love. I have so many people I love and so many who love me. LOVE IT!!!
Love to you ALL!!!

Things I Gotta Do!

In preparation for this upcoming week of madness, I have compiled a list of things that I must do right now that are annoying but neccessary...

1-Packing and Moving- Ugh, but it's nice to get rid of some stuff. I am planning my big move for Friday (with some assistance from my students, nothing like free labor! Well, not entirely free, I did promise them pizza.)
2-Parent/Teacher Conferences- This week on Wednesday & Thursday I will be at the school until 8 pm talking with parents all while I have a permagrin on my face. My jaw really hursts after these things.
3- Grading Papers...
4-Dieting... sometimes... sometimes...
5- Unpacking
6- Having to buy furniture. Some people have asked when I will have a little housewarming, well I can't afford living room furniture yet, so... it might be awhile.
7- Calling the utilities, water, HOA, etc... Even though I am a social person, I hate making these phone calls. At times like this I wish I had a spouse to make him do it... Sigh... Independence...

But, in a week, I will be in MY new place, YAY!

Under Pressure

I don't cry much publicly. I do cry, but it's usually privately when I allow myself to fully feel emotions and deal with whatever is bothering me.
I try hard to never lose my cool with my students. I show them respect and expect it in return. I never yell... but I have been known to over-enunciate a few times when I am especially angry. But even then I could count on one hand the number of times I have done that in the past 6 years with my students.
Teaching High School Theatre is an insane amount of stress... which leads me to today.
Tonight my show opened, last weekend I took 30 kids to an overnight theatre conference where 3 kids were totally irresponsible and caused me a lot of grief, I am working with kids to get them ready for scholarship auditions, I was in charge of a registration video that was shown at the registration night last night, I am in the midst of buying a condo and moving, I am planning a tour for the entire performing arts department to go to Disneyland over Spring Break, I am preparing kids for region and state drama competitions... and oh yeah, I am trying REALLY hard to be healthy when my gut reaction when I feel stress is to eat ice cream...
When I was gone to the conference, I left instructions for a student to finish some work on the show. When I returned nothing had been done. (Three days before opening night) I had talked to this student three weeks prior and gave them instructions what to do. I was disappointed that it wasn't finished this past Monday, so I talked to the student and they said they would do it that day. Well, they never showed up. The next morning I saw this student in the hall and asked about where they had been. They had a good excuse, but the task still needed to be done. I expressed my disappointment in the actions and by this time was pretty stressed (oh also on that day, the district server was down so I could not access any of my documents for two days, so I was making up lesson plans on the spot.) Later that day this student sent another student to my classroom to do the task... someone who had no idea what to do... all while I was trying to finish the video, teach a class and get things ready for my dress rehearsal, program lights and make up a lesson plan on the spot because I couldn't access my documents...
I literally started shaking with stress and anger. I went and talked to the kid where I over-enunciated my feelings in front of two other teachers, so they can vouch for my behavior. I never blamed the kid personally, attacking the kid's character, but I did express how the lack of communication and follow through had affected everything that had gone on. Then I left and asked two of my students to help me finish the task.
I felt a little remorse for being so upset with the student (even though they deserved the reprimand, I should've perhaps been more calm.) So, I vowed if I saw the student I would apologize.
Cut to this morning. The vice principal comes in my room at the beginning of the day and asks if I can come down during my consultation, I say sure and ask what it's about. He said he talk to me later. So immediately I start having anxiety and I am racking my brain about what it could possibly be.
I go down to the office and go into the Principal's office to meet with him and the Vice Principal and they proceed to tell me that the student had been in with their parents to discuss the incident. I was floored. And the most ridiculous thing was that the student went in before the incident where I chewed him out (in a stressed, over-enunciated manner), and then came back after that had happened... Now, I'm not going to go into explicit detail, but, seriously? Seriously????
The worst part was, when I explained my perspective, I started talking about all the stress I was under, I started crying in front of these two men. I don't really do that. I felt overwhelmed and bogged down by everything I do and am expected to do. And I just felt attacked, not by the administration, but by this student who was acting like a selfish kid... oh wait ...
And so I cried some more.
And then I went and taught a delightful class, and tearfully told them how much I appreciate their positive attitudes and willingness to learn.
Then I saw the student in the hall and apologized for getting upset, asked them if they understood why I was upset and then had them repeat back to me why I was upset so I knew they understood. Then I asked the student if they we were cool and they said yes. And I said, ok. And I silently vowed to NEVER give this student any responsibilities and NEVER work with them again.
Then there was a crazy fire drill and I stood outside in the cold.
Then I drove home and cried some more and just longed for someone to be there for me. Someone to physically hold me and tell me I would be able to do it. That I got this.
Then I paid my rent and talked to the management about what they expect as far as cleanliness when I move.
Then I went and bought some last minute items for the show tonight.
Then I went to Cafe Rio and ate a salad... and didn't count the calories.
Then I went to the school and aged my students and gave them a rousing pep talk for opening night about cherishing the moment.
Then I sat in the hall by myself and listened to the uproarious laughter from the audience.
Then I drove home, and cried some more.
Then I blogged.
I guess the biggest thing that is hard for me is the reality that some parents do not make their kids accountable for their actions. I fear for this student's future when Mommy and Daddy can't save the day.
I guess I feel better. The show went really well.
I need a vacation... and a hug. Well, more a hug than anything. At times like this, it really sucks to be alone.