I read recently that the reason time seems to speed up as you get older is because life becomes much more routine and mundane. Because, as adults, our life lacks the variety and excitement of our youth- therefore time seems to pass at a much quicker pace. (I would also venture to guess that it's just the busyness of life that rarely gives us time to stop and pause). We are always in pursuit of the next task, the next goal, the next adventure, the next...
I'm going to get a little self-reflective here. Two years ago I added graduate school to my toppling list of tasks. During that time I was constantly working on something. Even at Disneyland, I had to take a few hours and go back to the hotel and work on homework. When I started school- my brother said something that stuck with me (and I am paraphrasing here) he said that the time will pass and before you know it, the two years will be up and you'll have a Masters Degree. For some reason that thought gave me comfort as I pushed through not only school, but teaching, directing and working with professional boards. That year, my students were not the best and tried my patience at every turn. However, in the midst of all of it- I decided to lose weight. So, I joined Weight Watchers and lost 50 lbs in a year. I also decided to run a half marathon and so I did the day after my 39th birthday.
I've always been a go-go-go-go-go type of person. I have a friend who halfheartedly jokes that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I wasn't busy. That statement is pretty true for me.
I do a lot and it can be overwhelming. I allow myself at times to have what I call freak-out moments. These are moments where I look at the big picture of whatever I am working on and take on the enormity of the task. And then I step back and get to work on the day to day. I structure my life so that each day I set out to accomplish certain tasks and I make sure I do them before I go to bed. I think this is a good way of approaching things.
However, in the time since Grad School- I have just lost my passion and love and everything seems mundane. And, at times, I am gripped with a sense of loss and longing- always seeking the thing that will finally fill my soul.
While talking with my friend Amy yesterday about a personal issue that I've been struggling with, she suggested I listen to an audio book called 10% Happier by Dan Harris. So, being the obedient friend that I am, I downloaded it on audible. In chapter three he says the following things quoting Eckhart Tolle , "We are obsessed with the past and the future at the expense of the present. We live, almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. We wax nostalgic for prior events during which we were doubtless ruminating or projecting. We cast forward to future events during which we will certainly be fantasizing." This quote hit me like a ton of bricks because it described me to a T. Especially in my recent years. Sure, I strive to live in the moment (One of those events was running the half because it was such a monumental feat for me- but a few months later when I ran a 10K, I was just waiting to be done and not enjoying it- instead focusing on the moments following the race.) Another example of this was my recent production of Tarzan. The kids were fantastic and I was really proud of the show that my team and I produced. But I didn't enjoy the process, I didn't enjoy the moment of working with the kids. It had nothing to do with them, just more to do with my state of mind. Sure, there were fleeting times, but overall I was just always so focused on the future or living in past experiences. Here I was, doing the exact thing I always wanted to do surrounded by amazing people and I was just feeling lost and empty. I remember right before opening stopping for a moment, full of regret that I hadn't enjoyed or appreciated the process more. But, it was too late.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a little bit of control freak. I honestly think this trait of mine stems from a few things: 1) Being a drama teacher and being the absolute authority and ruler of my domain. 2) Being single and not having anyone to check in with and probably a bit of my personality thrown in there for good measure. But this need to control often finds its way into other areas of my life. I feel uncomfortable if I am not in control of a situation and struggle with letting other people be and choose things that I deem not as important. This isn't a good thing. It's affected relationships and made me painfully insecure at times. It's hard for me.
This is the point where I am supposed to come to some monumental conclusion about life and living and being in the now. Well, I am not there yet. Instead, I hope by writing this that I can document some of my thoughts and continue on my journey. The truth is that I am having a hard time right now and I am striving to work through some of my issues. I don't know the answers yet.
But that's ok- One day at a time.
But I do know this, I want to be happier, I want to be in the moment. I want to enjoy the beautiful life I have.
