Say What?

Life is weird.
For the past two days I have been feeling this weird sensation in my chest. It's like someone surgically implanted a cell phone in my heart and set it on vibrate mode. And someone keeps calling... repeatedly.
So, I went to the doctors today... I was diagnosed with premature atrial beats. Basically my heart beat is a little off and the vibrating sensation is the heart resetting itself. A normal abnormality, the doctor said. So, I am normally abnormal... (but I think I already knew that.)
It is brought on by the following: alcohol in excess, fatigue, cigarettes, fever, anxiety, stress and caffeine. Well, yes- I am tired, I have a lot of stress- and does this mean I have to give up my Diet Dr. Pepper? Probably. Sigh.

Catharsis

I just need to write, to express. I don't know if I will even post this.
Most of the time I try so hard to be positive and live with faith. Most of the time I am pretty happy, most of the time.
Lately I have been feeling so isolated. I still do my day to day thing, but it's just what has to be done. I keep eating and it has caused me to put back on all the weight I lost this past year. I just feel...
Some things have happened in my personal life lately and I am just having a hard time shaking the negativity.
Is it really a good idea to be open with your heart? I am not talking about romantic feelings but just in general. I am sick of caring, I am sick of being misunderstood, I am sick. I used to think being open and loving with all your heart was the only way to live, now I am not so sure. So many people who I have fiercly loved have taken my heart and tossed it aside. There has also been many who have treasured my heart, I cannot forget that.
But, I feel tossed aside- confused- isolated and yearning to find peace.
I need to stop letting other's actions affect me so deeply. I need to let go and just let them be. I need to stop caring so much...

I need your help.

Lots of decisions to be made. Lots. On one, in particular, I would like you to voice your opinion. Should I move to a high school to teach?

A little background-
For the past 4 years, I have been teaching at Valley Jr. High, and although it has had its ups and downs, I really have enjoyed myself there.

Pros/Accomplishments at Valley
- Directed 4 musicals
- Built a program that was previously non-existent and is now HUGE
- Am FINALLY getting a new sound system
- Have a solid rapport with the other teachers/staff at school (love eating lunch with them!)
- Very supportive principal and administration
- I only have ONE huge production per year (which enables me to have somewhat of a social life.)

Cons-
- Not a lot of opportunities for the students.
- I wear ALL the hats (director, music director, technical director, etc...)
- If my administration leaves, the new one could cut my program.
- Sometimes, (being a jr, high theatre teacher) I feel like the red headed step child.
- The kids aren't mature enough to do certain pieces that I would like to do.
- Limits on rehearsal time (jr. high kids can't drive!)

So, coming really soon, I have the opportunity to move to a high school.

And I don't know what is best. The biggest downside to moving to a high school would be that my time would be consumed. I doubt I would have time for much else in my life. But now is the perfect time, right? I mean I am not married, not going to get married any time soon and so I could devote my time to theatre... right?
I feel like I should want to go to a high school- to challende myself, to get more and different experiences. But, I do love where I am. I love the age (I know, I must be INSANE!) And eventually, I really do want a family, which would be possible teaching at the jr. high level- at the high school level, it would be difficult. But, I am nowhere near having a marital status, and I can't plan for that sort of thing...

Sorry for the rambling, as you can see... CONFLICTED!

What do you think?

Adorable

My nephew, Elliott- he makes my heart happy!

The Awesome Adventure of ME!

A few of my friends have reviewed their life from the past decade and I thought, me too! So here goes- my life in review, the highlights, and yes some lowlights too (that have nothing to do with my ever-changing hair color!)

2000 The year 2000 started with a bang, I had just turned 21 years old and was soon to leave on my mission to Dallas, Texas! I started in Bonham, Texas and ended the year in Plano. I still think of my mission often, and I am so grateful for the time I had to serve.

2001

The 1st half of the year was spent in my last area, Athens, Texas. I saw many miracles in this place, and I learned how the Lord is truly mindful of our every move. I came home on July 17th, 2001 and tried my best to get back to normal. In September my Mom got remarried to Kimball Davis and I gained a step-family. I worked at Deseret First Credit Union and prepared to attend BYU-Idaho in January.

2002

BYU-IDAHO!!!! I started college and lived in Greenbrier with Kristine, Bernie, Shannon, Jen and Elizabeth. Being a returned missionary, I was one of the older people on campus. I started my illustrious career in the Theatre Department at BYU-I as a troll in the production, "West of the Moon". That summer I worked at Arbys (hopefully I will never need to work fast food again!) The fall saw me retuning again to school where I made many new friends, worked on "Imaginary Invalid" and started rehearsals for "Guys & Dolls" in my 1st big role at BYU-I as General Cartwright!

2003

Still plugging away at school. Involved in the following productions: "Guys & Dolls", "Tellers & Troubadours", "The Music Man" & "The Crucible". I also started my employment as the Student Costumer/ Organizer extraordinaire in the Costume Department at BYU-I. 2003 saw the birth of my 1st niece Ivy Kristine Murphy on March 12th and the death of my Father, Steven Richard Parkes in May 3rd.

2004

This year I was involved in my favorite musical ever, "Into the Woods" as the Baker's Wife.

On March 17th, 2004 the sunshine known as Madeleine Olivia Murphy was born! And my life got a little bit better! 2004 also was my first summer spent at the Playmill in West Yellowstone, Montana.

2005

In 2005, I decided to take a break from performing Theatre and joined the Collegiate Singers at BYU-Idaho. (So much for a performing break!) I also spent my 2nd summer at the Playmill!

I spent my last semester at BYU-Idaho where my last performance was in Savior of the World.

I am SOOOO grateful for the time I spent at BYU-Idaho! I will always cherish the many, many friends I made during my time there. People who changed my life forever. Going to BYU-I was one of the best decisions I have ever made!

2006

Technically I hadn't graduated from BYU-I yet, I still had a semester of student teaching. I student taught at Cottonwood High School where I taught drama and history. I also went with the Debate team on a trip to San Fransisco.

Then in the Spring, I officially graduated with my bachelors in Theatre/Speech Education. It was a bittersweet moment.
That summer, I worked briefly at the Playmill in the box office and then I was hired to be the drama teacher at Valley Junior High, and so the adventure began! In the fall, I directed my first play, "This Castle Needs a Good Scouring."

2007

In 2007, I directed my 1st musical, Guys & Dolls Jr. It was such a rewarding experience. I did everything, set, costumes, music, direction, choreography... it was exhausting- but seeing those kids excel was the most wonderful feeling in the entire world. Out of all the things I have done in my life and all the things that I am uncertain- I know I was born to be a teacher.

In the summer I went to my 1st trip to DISNEYWORLD and rode my favorite ride for the 1st time... THE ROCKIN' ROLLERCOASTER!!

That summer, I was also in the Murray City Production of "Pirates of Penzance."
In the fall I went back to Disney World for my first appearance at Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party, which has become one of my favorite events of the entire year!

2008

The year started of with my production of Willy Wonka. I LOVED this cast!! They were so much fun to work with! I was so proud of all their hard work! In May, my brother got married to Luana!! It was in beautiful San Diego (so of course we had to take a trip to Disneyland!)

2009

Most of 2009 is chronicled in this blog, but here are some fun highlights-

I turned the big 3-0!

Alice in Wonderland!

Europe Trip!

High School Reunion? (We didn't have a ten year, so we had a twelve... go figure!)

My 8th trip to a Disney Park since the summer of '06 (you may say I am a bit obsessed!

2010 so far has brought me my first nephew, Elliott Richard Kiliona Parkes born Jan 1st!

The next decade? Who knows? It's sure to be an adventure though with plent of trips to Disney! All I know is that as I sit here on the eve of my (gulp) 31st birthday all I can say is thanks. Thanks for being my friend, thanks for making me smile and thanks for being a part of my life. It truly has been a grand adventure! Thanks for coming along for the ride!

Love

Tonight my brother Ben and his wife Luana welcomed a baby boy into the world (yet to be named). It was a 33 hour labor and there was a time when they needed our prayers. And everything went perfectly and now they have a perfect little boy. Now my little brother is a Dad.

I was reflecting over the past year and how I grown. And how much I still need to learn. When it all comes down to it, the most important thing is love.

Love- what is it? According to dictionary.com it is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

I love that it uses the words profoundly tender.

I think love is trusting, love is letting go, love is believing, love is caring.

I am grateful that love comes in many forms and touches my life in so many ways. From a smile, a touch and a moment shared.

I am so grateful for the people in my life.

I am not married, and therefore my opinion on that particular relationship may be incorrect, but this is what I think it is-

Marriage is unloading the dishwasher, folding laundry, cleaning the toilet. It is putting up with someone's idiosyncrasies, wanting the best for them. It has moments of grandeur, but mostly, it is just living a shared life. Marriage means you have each other's backs. Loving someone enough to have them witness your life.

2009 was amazing and I look forward to the adventures of 2010! I am going to be 31 really soon! That is so crazy to me! Time flies by.

What will 2010 hold? Who knows? But I hope to learn, laugh, cry, love, grow and LIVE!!!!