Being the Girl

For those of you who read this blog faithfully know that this past year has been a trying one and yet a wonderful one for me. But, overall it's been hard to shake the negativity and sadness. Recently it reared it's ugly head again. So, I dealt with it- but then I received an unexpected blessing and opportunity.
Those of you who are performers can relate to the feeling of jubilation you feel when performing- for me, it especially happens when I have the opportunity to sing. Although I am constantly surrounded by Theatre, it's a rare occasion when I perform.
But, let me digress for just a moment- one of the results of what I went through this year was a severe loss of confidence in myself as a woman. My 35 years of age started to weigh heavily on me, both mentally and physically as I became lax in taking care of myself.
Whenever I audition for a show I know I will be cast as the mother, the friend, the witch, the comic relief, the narrator, the crazy aunt- never just the girl. Never the girl who is center stage.
A few weeks ago I received a text from my friend who is directing a production of Oliver this summer for Mirray City asking me to come to call-backs. I asked him what he was considering me for and he listed off the parts of the older women, the comic relief and then he mentioned and possibly Nancy. Those of you familiar with the show, know that she is the girl. Not the ingenue in the regular sense, but she's the girl. The girl.
After I got that text, I decided I wanted to be the girl. I wanted to be the beautiful girl. I wanted to be the broken girl. I wanted to be the complicated girl. But, in the back of my mind I thought I would never be cast, because, well I don't fit the ideal standard of beauty. But I wanted it so much.
At the call-backs I did my best to exude confidence, sexiness, sass and everything I felt Nancy should be. I was amazing. A few days later I got a text asking me to play Nancy. I'm the girl!

I immediately felt self conscious, bit then I realized I am that girl. There is so much of her that I relate to, and I connect to her on so many levels. And it has given me incentive to get my butt in gear. I want to be as beautiful as I can be. And, the songs. The songs! I love belting these songs.

I haven't been this excited to do something in a long time. It's such a tender mercy and just what I needed at this time in my life. I am so excited to be the girl.

Learn to Live Without

This past week I went to Southern California on our annual performing arts trip. It was not without a lot of drama, but I think that will be a post for another day-

A lot has happened to me in the past year. A year ago, I could never have predicted what a roller coaster was in store for me,  I wouldn't recognize what has happened- but it has, which I guess is a testament to the fact that things always change. It's been a year of heartbreak, lost faith and renewed hope.
I think one of the important things to remember is that life is what you make it. There is joy, fulfillment, and lessons all around. I've learned that it's ok that I'm alone. I've learned that I am complete on my own. I've learned to not place my happiness and future in anyone's hands but my own. I've learned at the heart of it all- I'm just a good Mormon girl.
I've had to learn to trust, I've had to learn that my life cannot be compared to anyone else, that my experiences and timeline is mine.
I've learned that, no matter what, I need to keep my heart open. I've learned to forgive and let go. I've learned that people make entrances and exits into my life precisely when needed.
I've learned to enjoy the quiet.
So my advice- is live and have hope. There is a new musical called If/Then that is written by the same folks who wrote Next to Normal- anyway- I've loved everything I heard from the show so far.
There is a song entitled- You Learn to Live Without that speaks to me- Here are some of the lyrics-

You learn to take your shower cold
And sleep on tired feet
You learn to order dinner in
You learn to send the laundry out
You learn how to amuse yourself
You learn to live without

You learn to fall asleep alone
You learn to silence ticking clocks
You learn to pull the shades at night
And double check the locks
You learn to speak so calmly when
Your heart would like to scream and shout
You learn to smile and breathe and smile
You learn to live without

You learn to count the quiet wins
An hour with no unprompted tears
And not to count the deadly days
As they fade into years
You learn to stand alone at last
So brave and bold and strong and stout
You learn somehow to like the dark
You even love the doubt
You learn to hold your life inside you
And never let it out
You learn to live and live and die and to live
You learn to live without