Here I am almost mid September and so much has occurred in the past three weeks. This post is straying a bit from the usual rah, rah positive life vibe (which is still very much who I am) instead I'm just telling it like it is.
I am stressed, I am lonely and I am overwhelmed.
Some of the stress is good, caused by good things and some is not.
So here is why-
Stress- teaching is a hard job, although if love it, it is still hard. I run a very in depth program all by my lonesome. This past summer flew by with the show, a two week sickness and the conference and I didn't really have the opportunity to recharge may batteries- thus when the school year began I still felt like I was drowning. But, you can't stop time from marching on.
My musical- last spring I had decided to do "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" I had convinced myself that I could take a musical with 6 parts and turn it into a show with an ensemble over 50. I had figured out some ways to do this, but truth be told- I hadn't really fleshed out all the details. But, try as I might I just couldn't get excited about the show.
Also, I had this silly notion in my head about shows at Hunter, you see- with one exception, Hunter has never repeated a show in it's 25 year history. So that limited the shows I could do. This year I have a plethora of boys and last May I knew Joseph would be the right choice but it has been performed 7 years ago, and so it was out of consideration.
But, as the auditions progressed, I knew we hadn't picked the right show for the kids. So after a whirlwind of changing rights, contracts, securing audition materials. We changed and cast "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" and the kids were ecstatic. But that meant my whole summer of prep had to be done in an instant. In addition to teaching (including creating a film studies curriculum for my first time teaching the class), trying to eat healthy, trying to have a life outside of school, working on Shakespeare competition stuff and a myriad of other things. But, it was the right choice for the kids and I know it will be wonderful. Although I had a dream last night I was directing the show and my two narrators were just awful, and everyone was getting frustrated during the rehearsal. So I just took over as narrator, but I was holding a mic with a chord and everyone kept getting caught in the chord as I moved around the stage. So I woke up this morning feeling frustrated... Not fun.
Being a teacher. Sigh. Ok, so 95% of my kids are lovely- they are super chatty, but that's usually about as much disrespect as they show. I had an incident this past week that was draining. Here's the story.
Near the end of 3rd period on Thursday I go into the hallway to get something out of the dressing room- I notice two boys who should be in my class are loitering in the hall. I tell them to get back in the room. As this is happening, a girl walks by and one of the boys starts harassing her and calling her names. I tell him this is inappropriate and he informs me it was his sister. I tell him I don't believe him, we have an exchange and as he turns the corner I hear him call me and f-ing biotch. (With the actual usage of the words). Of course that is unacceptable, so I talk to him in the hall and throughout the conversation, he verbally abuses me and I calmly try to get him to calm down (although I must admit my words were quite pointed and over enunciated). Usually in these situations, I can get someone to calm down and apologize, but he would have none of it. He continued to swear saying the f word is just a word and I told him that may be to him, but it is an offensive word that has meaning. Turned out the girl was his sister (I just couldn't believe he would be so rude to his sister) so I apologized for my mistake. I then asked him if he should've called me what he did, he said no, but... I told him there is no but. Then he denied calling me the name so I told him he needed to come with me to the office, he refused, so I went in my room and he left cursing me out the whole way.
I then got a group of witnesses to sign a statement detailing what they saw and what was said- talked to his counselor found out he is in the behavioral disorder unit (why hadn't I been told about this? I would've no handled him completely differently.)
In short, it really, really upset me. So I wrote a Facebook status and a lot of people wrote comments and sent messages that made me feel better. But overall, I was drained and sad.
But life goes on and I still have a job to do.
Loneliness. I am a pretty independent woman with an incredible life, but sometimes the loneliness just gets to me. Yes, I have my adorable dogs (and to be honest they are a beautiful God send and I know without them things would be a lot worse), but they are dogs.
I have a tendency to pick people to be important to me who just can't quite give me what I need. So I get hurt and then have to adjust to make things balanced. It's fine, we all act and react differently- it's all a part of having relationships. Many different people fill many different roles in my life and I am grateful for all of them. But, I just don't have a companion, a partner, someone who I belong to and they belong to me.
A few months ago I was released from my church calling working with the young women. (Although I was fine with being released, I was completely blindsided. I wish they would've pulled me aside and let me know I wasn't meeting their expectations and address the expectations before just yanking it away from me- but I digress). So, I've been trying out the mid singles ward. And it is frustrating. There are around 700-800 people who attend this branch and it is overwhelming. And it makes me mad that the church isn't doing anything to fix the problem.
I just don't know. I want to date, I want to meet awesome men-I just don't know where to being. I've done the online thing a few times and although many have found success there, I just have not. I sometimes wonder if I'm just meant to lead a solitary life.
But, life keeps happening and I have so much to do. So thanks for reading and letting me express. I'm fine, really- just overwhelmed.
