Have y’all ever bit off more than you can chew? I have. And am in the midst of it right now. I’ve always been someone who functions at an extremely high stress level and does just fine. But right now I feel like I can’t breathe- I am having such a hard time- I am writing this now to address some of these issues and hopefully alleviate some of my stress and worries.
Grad School- We all know that teacher pay is less than desirable. And in order to make enough money to not live paycheck to paycheck I knew that getting a master’s degree would have to happen at some point for me. Last summer I applied and was accepted into the Arts Admin program at SUU. No big deal, I thought, I would be able to balance it along with everything else. Newsflash: I was wrong. It has been overwhelming at times with the amount of work I have to do in addition to everything else I was already doing. There just isn’t enough hours in the day… plus my life is totally imbalanced right now, I just don’t have time to relax and recharge. However, it is only until May 2017 (praying I make it until then…) luckily, it isn’t all busy work and I do feel like I am learning. I just wish it was less work and that all the professors communicated exactly the same (it’s all online so we don’t have the person to person contact and some of the professors have been harder to read than others and it’s been harder to understand their teaching style and objectives.) Sigh.
Work- I love my job. Part of the reason is that it makes me happy. Recently, however, because I have been so overwhelmed with everything on my plate I’ve been grumpy with the kids and have lost my ability to filter my snide comments. In short, sometimes I’m not nice and fun. For the first time in my teaching career I had kids drop theatre at the semester. Their reason, I just don’t make it fun anymore. That theatre used to be fun, but now I’m not making it fun. And that hurts my feelings- a lot. Because I am sincerely trying my best and I know my teaching is suffering as a result. I feel so behind and like I can’t keep my head above water and be focused because I’m constantly trying to keep up with my grad school work. It’s exhausting and had made me a little witchy, ok sometimes a lot witchy. I feel horrible.
My life- No one does my dishes, no one helps walk my dogs, no one cleans my house, no one cooks food, etc… It would be really nice to have someone to help shoulder the mundane responsibilities of life- but alas I don’t have anyone to help out. Also relationships have caused me a bit of turmoil as of late. How do you release yourself from completely caring about others that matter to you? How do you accept differences that you find to be completely against how you feel and your moral code? How do you just love anyway? How do you be ok with what is going on even when you aren’t but it’s all outside of your immediate control? How do accept the loneliness as a part of life?
My health- Mentally- feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. Physically- I’m the fattest I’ve been in over 15 years and I feel like I’m spiraling downward. (I have no time to cook and eat healthy and fast food is a danger zone…) Emotionally- I’m hurting.
Extra stuff- Sigh, this is the hardest one right now. Just finished the play and have region and state drama competition in addition to the trip to Disneyland (which is fun, but there is a lot of planning involved). I also was/am planning to direct Into the Woods with my Play Productions class to be performed at the beginning of May. (I’ve already secured the rights and should be receiving the scripts by the end of the week.) The problem is with all of the other events, I just don’t foresee us having time to do the show and make it the best it can be. The reason I am doing the show is it’s one the kids really want to do and it is a good fit for them. Emotionally, physically and mentally I can’t wrap my head around it and every time I work on casting the show I get a pit in my stomach and feel ill. I talked to the kids about the possibility of not doing the show today and they were understandably heart-broken. Heck, I was a little heart-broken too. I want to figure out a way to make it work, I’m just not sure how in the world that would be possible with the time-frame and the fact that my finals are literally days before the show is scheduled to open. If I had known last year when I announced we would be doing the show that I would be in grad school, I never in a million years would have done it. But, now I feel an obligation. And the kids, oh my gosh, the kids. My group this year is amazing- they are mature, talented, understanding and I want to give them everything. And I feel horrible that I’m not 100% for them, for any of them. I just don’t know what to do.
Well, I’d better get back to my grad school work. Please pray for my sanity… seriously pray.
