What do we hope for?

Another month comes and goes as October 2010 will soon be history.
About a month ago, I had a major relationship in my life change significantly. And although I wish this person the best, I am still trying to figure out how I feel about all of it.
"Where do we go from here? This isn't where I intended to be. 
We had it all, you believed in me, I believed in you...
Deep in my heart I'm concealing 
Things that I'm longing to say-
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away."
This person is now for all intents and purposes no longer in my life. We never talk, we never see each other. And although I think it was all for the best- I am still having a hard time with it. It didn't end well. Although it ended civilly... It isn't hard for me to get over being angry, it isn't hard for me to forgive, but it is excruciatingly hard to let go of people when I love them. Especially when I still long to have a connection with them. I don't know how to know when the time comes to truly give up hope. I am an eternal optimist, I have lived my life in such a way where I always try to find the silver lining, even in the darkest of times.
"Look for the silver lining- Whenever clouds appear in the gloom.
Remember somewhere the sun is shining-
And so the right thing to do is make it shine for you.
A heart full of joy and gladness- will always banish sadness and strife.
But always look for the silver lining-
And then you'll find the sunny side of life."
Is it time to realize the gloom isn't going away and is it time maybe to find a different piece of sky...
"It all began the day I found that from my window I could only see a piece of sky-
I stepped outside and looked around, I never dreamed it was so wide or even half as high-
The time has come- to try my wings
And even though it seems at any moment I could fall.
I felt the most amazing things, the things you can't imagine if you've never flown at all.
Though it's safer to stay on the ground, sometimes where danger lies, there the sweetest of pleasures are found.
No matter where I go they'll be memories that tug at my sleeve...
Oh tell me where...
Where is the someone who will turn to look at me
And want to share my every sweet imagined possibility...
The more I live, the more I learn, the more I learn, the more I realize- the less I know.
Each step I take, each page I turn, each mile I travel only means the more I have to go-
What's wrong with wanting more?
If you can fly then soar!"
What do I hope for? What can I hope for? Goodbye to my dear friend. Goodbye to the moment. Goodbye to the expectation, goodbye to the possibility.
Hello to the Unknown...
Still I have Hope- always Hope...
But maybe it needs to be Hope for something new.

Two Years!

Halloween marks the two year anniversary of my blog! So Happy Anniversary blog! We've shared some funny stories, insights and a lot of memories.

It's amazing how fast two years can fly by- how so much can happen and yet so much remains familiar.

This Halloween has been rather uneventful for me. Because of working on the musical, I was unable to make my yearly trek to Disney World for "Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party". And as a result, it just hasn't felt like Halloween this year. Oh well. To celebrate, I will be taking my nieces out trick or treating, and that will be fun.

Speaking of my musical, I am a little over two weeks until my production dates!!!! If I think about everything I have to do, I want to get into the fetal position, climb under the covers and never leave my bed because it is so overwhelming. So I just have to take it all one day at a time.

I am really proud of the kids, they are doing a great job! I really hope that it will be a fantastic show- it has the potential to be amazing! It's just crunch time. I knew that taking the high school job would mean taking more of my time. I had a day a few weeks ago when I got to school at 6 am and left at 8:30 pm. I think the next two weeks will be reminiscent of that... sigh... it's fun, but I need to have balance.

I need to make sure that I have a life outside of school. I have a few close friends I do things with, but other than that- not much of a social life. I am no longer in the singles ward, I am debating going to the older singles ward, and I have a hard time meeting new people who are older than high school age. I don't really care about dating, but it would be nice to make some new friends so I can have people to do things with on a random weekend. I think that's one of the hardest things about remaining single. The fact that you are always in the position where you have to constantly be meeting new people and make new connections so you are not lonely. It never ends. And you spend a lot of evenings alone. Which can be nice at times, but also... well, lonely.

So, two years. I've given up trying to predict or look toward future events. It's just too hard when things fall so short of expectations. And yet, I have amazing experiences all the time, just not necessarily what I would've chosen for myself. But, nevertheless, experiences that help me to grow, that humble me, that allow me to meet amazing people and hopefully make me a better person.

Oh and here is the random X-works episode for Halloween, it is goofy!

Who You Are

Why is it that sometimes happiness seems so elusive? Like some far off pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. We can see the rainbow, but we can't seem to find the end of it. And so we search, in vain- sometimes in circles seeking for something that we never seem to find.

Perhaps we are searching for the wrong thing?

Ask yourself what does it mean to be happy? What does happiness look like? Feel like?

Oh to be a child again when happiness was a simple as playing with friends. Laughing at a joke. Feeling loved and secure. Marveling at the beauty around you. Learning about life and Jesus.

Is it so different now?

I think happiness is a quiet assurance of who we are. Learning to exercise faith, trusting that things will be fine. Finding joy in everyday moments. The things that are truly awesome. Not forgetting. Realizing that happiness is not the pot of gold, it is the journey.


“Some people can’t get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential.” -Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf