Little Miss Sunshine

Sorry for the somewhat depressing posts as of late. I've just been going through a lot, but I am feeling a lot better... it just took some time. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel like I can breathe.
You know, I think it is so important to try and see things from a positive point of view. That doesn't mean ignoring the negative or pretending like everything is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. It just means changing your focus and perspective. At any given moment there are things that are wrong and things that are right- what do you choose to see?
I am grateful to have a sunny disposition. Even though life is hard, I know the sun will soon shine!!

School has been SOOOO busy! I knew that moving to a high school would make my life so much busier, but I didn't really comprehend all that it would entail. I am always at the school and always working on some production. (We had a student-written and directed night of one acts last night and they were AWESOME!) I feel so honored to be able to teach. I know that sounds cheesy, but it is true. Yesterday, I was coaching a few kids and helping them achieve their potential. I was talking a lot about emotions and connecting to the human in all of us. I love that about acting- it allows us to see the world from a perspective different from our own. It gives us a deeper understanding of choice and consequence and it allows us to feel something. I love these kids. I love that I am in a position to lift them and help them to realize their awesomeness! I know that I lament sometimes that I am still a single gal when I long so much to be a mother. Which I hope to be someday... but for the interim it's nice to change the world one student at a time. It's happy and fulfilling.
Here are some random pics from the one-acts last night, enjoy!

Yep, it really is AWESOME!

Smile!

Now for something that just always makes me smile!

Valentine's Day...

So, love. Hmph.
Stephen Sondheim is one of my favorite composers, but his musical, "Passion" drives me batty. It is a story about a love triangle- Giorgio- the dashing young soldier, Fosca- the sickly, ugly obsessive one and What's her face, the pretty one who is Giorgio's mistress.
As the name implies, it is about love. Here's the basic storyline.

• Giorgio and What's her face are having an affair, he has to leave for a new post where he meets Fosca. Fosca immediately is smitten with Giorgio in a stalker-ish way. He refuses her advances, but she pursues in the ultimate non-requited love. In the meantime, what's her face and Giorgio exchange letters.
• Fosca continues to pursue Giorgio and he retaliates- "Is that what you call love? This endless and insatiable- smothering- pursuit of me. You think that this love? I'm sorry that you're lonely, I'm sorry that want me as you do, I'm sorry that I fail to feel the way you wish me to feel, I'm sorry that you're ill, I'm sorry you're in pain, I'm sorry you aren't beautiful. But, yes I'd wish you'd go away and leave me alone! Everywhere I turn there you are, this is not love but some kind of obsession. Will you never learn when to far is too far? Have you no concern for what I feel, what I want?"
• Then Fosca explains her feelings- "Loving you is not a choice, it's who I am. Loving you is not a choice and not much reason to rejoice- but it gives me purpose, gives me voice to say to the world- this is why I live. You are why I live. Loving you is why I do the things I do. Loving you is not in my control. But loving you, I have a goal for what's left of my life. I would live and would die for you."
• So back to what's her face- she decides to end the affair with Giorgio and Giorgio all of a sudden realizes it is truly Fosca who he loves- "No one has ever loved me a deeply as you, No one has truly loved me as you have Fosca. Love without reason, love without mercy, love without pride or shame. Love unconcerned with being returned, no wisdom, no judgement, no caution, no blame. No one has ever known me as clearly as you. No one has ever shown me what love could be like until now. Not pretty or safe, or easy- but more than I ever knew. Love within reason- that isn't love, and I learned that from you."
• Then they have one night of passion and she dies.

So- why does this musical drive me batty? Well, besides the "awesome" storyline, I think it's because it hits so close to home for me. I don't feel I am as obsessive/weird as Fosca- but I swear I am the reigning queen of un requited love. And here on Valentine's Day- it's is glaringly obvious. I can't seem to get it right. Yesterday- I saw a person who I used to love with all my heart. A person who I felt that I loved more than I had ever loved anyone. And the relationship was a roller coaster. I never knew exactly what he felt, I never knew exactly what he meant, I never knew what to do. So, I just ignored the things that were wrong and I focused on what was wonderful (which there was plenty to choose from.) And about 4 months ago- I knew our relationship needed to change- but he didn't give me a choice. He just stopped talking to me. He ignored me. He made me feel like I didn't even exist. And it was excruciating. It was consistently in the back of my mind. I tried not to think about him. And in the course of the 4 months, I tried to reconnect with him about 5 times. I finally un-friended him on facebook because I couldn't bear to have his face pop up and remind me of how broken hearted I felt. And yet, I still felt like I loved him. And I felt like a fool.
And now I feel numb. He apologized yesterday, explained his foolish behavior, apologized again and embraced me multiple times-but I was so apprehensive. I wanted so much to feel... something... something either way. And I felt- nothing. He was very sweet to me, but guarded. Before I left I asked him, "what now?" So I guess we are now on speaking terms. But I still am so afraid he will treat me like I mean nothing. I never meant to have him influence me like this. I never meant to care so much.
He used to be one of my best friends, he used to make me laugh and smile like no one else could. He used to make me feel like I meant the world to him... and then without warning- he was gone. (And to be fair, he has some very valid reasons, so I can understand the why- I just don't agree with his methods)
So now... I am grateful for his apology. I am glad this is over. But I wish I knew my own heart.