The Masks of Life

I woke up wide awake this morning at 4 am. Wide awake. These past three days I have been at a conference for Theatre Teachers where I have been serving as the assistant conference director. Which means I've been quite busy and on top of that I've had a lot of turmoil in my personal life. So basically right now I am exhausted.
I went to a workshop this morning on characterization through the usage of masks. I had no idea what to expect and I had no idea it would have such an impact on me.

Basically you give the actors the mask to wear and if they allow themselves, they are free to be without any judgement and criticism. It really did minimize the feeling of everyone is looking at me. As the instructors explained the technique my mind was often wandering to all the personal stuff that I've been dealing with lately. But, then we were asked to participate.
I selected a mask and put it on and decided to immerse myself in the exercise. To let go of all the other feelings and thoughts and just focus on the task at hand. So I put on my mask and let my imagination go to work---
I was sitting on a beautiful green hill with freshly mowed grass, to my left was a majestic apple tree with the tastiest and most plump apples I'd ever seen. My task was simple- to pick the apple and put it in the basket- so I did. But then, magically, all the apples I picked disappeared. Irritating. So, I had to start again but this time I couldn't use my hands.
I still wanted the apples and so I figured out a way to use my elbows. And again, after awhile- the apples disappeared from my basket. So I had to try again, but this time- I had to use a different body part than before. This frustrated me and I was getting increasingly agitated- but I REALLY wanted that apple. So I used my feet which was difficult to do- and again the basket emptied. I was near tears and so frustrated. Just then, a tool appeared (an extendable shovel) and I used it to pick the apples. Finally, my basket was full and I took the last apple in my hand and sat down to enjoy it. I took one bite and then another. But suddenly the apple was full of worms and I looked over at the basket and worms were crawling all over the fruit. I was so defeated, upset, disgusted and hurt- after all the time picking the apples- this was my reward? Then we took off our masks.
Later the instructor likened the activity to the repetition of auditions. The need to try and try again and sometimes you still end up with a rotten apple.
As he said that, I came up with a completely different meaning.
The apples represented love for me (specifically love with a significant other) and every time in my life that I think there are apples in my basket- they disappear. So, I try different tactics, different approaches and still- nothing. But my most recent one- my basket was finally full- I was so close, so close I could taste it. And just when I thought I would finally get the apple- turns out it was rotten and full of worms. Turns out the whole basket was rotten and full or worms. Turns out the relationship was rotten and full of worms.
It was a little cathartic.
I also started thinking about all the masks we wear in life. How we choose often how others perceive us based on the mask we wear. This significant other was the master of masks. His most prominent mask shone to the word confidence, charisma, kindness, humor and loyalty. Then a few select people saw his mask of insecurity, pain, fear, doubt and loneliness. Then I saw his mean mask of blame, deception, and lack of ownership. The crazy things about masks is that he was (as we all are) in essence all of those things. He's just very good a putting on a mask depending on the situation.
But, aren't we all.
I'd like to think and hope that I don't hide behind masks. That what you see is what you get. I hate secrets, I hate deception and I value above all else honesty even when it is hard.
Maybe someday I'll get the apple...

Picking up the pieces

Forgive me for this post. Blogs are interesting things- we share stories, life perspectives and seek validation from the masses. We share so we don't feel so alone. We want to know that somehow, somewhere we matter especially when times are hard.

Recently I've been blindsided by another's choices and actions. I know it's best to finally be done, but I am having a hard time. I'm grateful for the conclusion.

I've already given this person so much of my time, energy and love.

I don't want to feel anything about this anymore.

What did I gain? Life experiences...  4 1/2 years.

I don't want to give you one more second, one more thought, anything more.

I don't want my heart to hurt anymore.

Time.

My Dear Missionaries,

Recently I have been attending a lot of farewells as my former students prepare to leave their lives behind and serve the Lord for a time. It makes my heart happy to sit in the congregation and listen to their testimonies. And as I sit there, I think about what I would have each of them know as they go forth to serve- so this is for them-

My Dear Missionaries,
I am so humbled that I have been a part of your life as a teacher. I hope I have been a good example to you and that you will take with you some of the lessons you learned from me. As you leave on your mission no doubt you are excited, anxious and maybe a little scared.
I want you to know the following things-

1- Matthew 5:48 states, "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." As a missionary, you are expected to adhere to a higher standard. You are asked to forsake worldly pursuits for a time and spend all your time doing the Lord's work. I guarantee you will have days that are hard. I guarantee there will be days when you question your decision to serve. I can guarantee that the adversary will do his best to get you down. So remember this, the atonement is for you as well as for the people you serve. As long as you do your best each day, the Lord will make up the difference for you. Also, look at the above scripture in a slightly different light- "Be ye, therefore perfect..." Be ye. Be yourself. The Lord has given you specific talents, strengths and personality traits. You have been called to serve where you are going because of who you are. Your gifts will be utilized in ways you can't even imagine. "Be ye, therefore perfect".

2- Missions are all about love. Loving the people you serve, loving your companions and sharing the beautiful message of God's everlasting love for each of us. I remember one specific example from my mission when we were teaching a less than savory character. But, for a brief moment, I saw him differently. I saw him as he truly was, a son of God. And I was overwhelmed with love for him. It was such a gift to be able to see people through the eyes of the Savior as one of his servants. Also, there will be times when your companion will be hard to get along with. You may have conflicting personalities, you may not get along and you may not even like them very much. But remember, they are a child of God and strive to see them as the Savior sees them. And when all else fails, serve them. Exhibit kindness toward them- little acts of service make all the difference in the world. Even if you don't like them, you can still love them.

3- Have fun! Some of my happiest memories are from my time as a missionary! The gospel is a message of joy and hope. Plus you're human, don't be too serious :)

4- Lastly, try to live each day to your very best. As you look at the beginning of your mission, it may seem like 2 years or 18 months is a very long time. Trust me, it's not. So, make the most of it. Forgive yourself for shortcomings, strive to always have the spirit with you, be yourself, love everyone you meet and cherish the moment. You are joining a on going relay race and the baton has just been handed to you. Now, run. Hold on tight- because the time will come when you pass the baton to someone else just like I did 12 years ago. So make the most of it, because your service will change your life.

5- One more thing- you can do this! On days when you feel like you are inadequate, lonely, anxious and homesick. Just go to work and if it helps- picture me cheering you on. Because I am.

It is such an amazing joy and honor to serve the Lord. And I am so excited for your upcoming adventures! Thank you so much for being a part of my life. Thank you for your enthusiasm for the gospel and the sacrifices you are making. You're going to change the world- one soul at a time, starting with your own!

Love,
Ms. Parkes

Your Life Is An Occassion, Rise To It.

Some things we determine, some we do not. Things affect us, things change us and we always have a choice. When the end of our life comes, what will we have to look back on? How will we have chosen to spend our days?
I've always tried to live life with a positive 'can do' outlook. And the older I get, the more it difficult it becomes. But, at times, when I pause for a moment I remember that I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.
So no matter what happens, I can determine how I react. So, I choose to live life with hope and joy.
Just need to remember this.

I Don't Know How to Love Him

Letting go of the need to control is very difficult for me. Recently something happened in my life and by my own weaknesses- I brought about a reaction that I didn't want. Now I feel remorse, I've apologized- but unfortunately- I'm not getting anything from the other side. And, that is quite difficult. I'm not good at giving people the time they need- I have a need to resolve conflict, issues as soon as possible. I like to feel like all is ok. I hate giant question marks.

At what point is it right to just walk away? How much needs to happen before it becomes too much? What will the catalyst be? Only time will tell.

At times like these, I wish I had all the answers. But, I don't. I wish I could take back what I did and said, but I can't. And now, I just have to let it be. I just don't know anymore. I used to think that we were a great match, that we'd be able to weather anything. But now, I'm not sure. If by one mistake I've made- I've been shut out... again. It's just too much, and I'm sorry. And yet-

"I don't know how to love him-

What to do, how to move him-

I've been changed, yes really changed 

In these past few days, when I've seen myself

I seem like someone else.

I don't know how to take this-

I don't see why he moves me-

He's a man, He's just a man ..

He's just one more.

Should I bring him down?

Should I scream and shout?

Should I speak of love?

Let my feelings out?

I never thought I'd come to this-

What's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny?

I should be in this position-

I'm the one, who's always been

So calm, so cool, no lover's fool

Running every show.

He scares me so.

I never thought I'd come to this-

What's it all about?

Yet, if he said he loved me

I'd be lost, I'd be frightened

I couldn't cope-

Just couldn't cope...

He scares me so.

I want him so.

I love him so." 

Reflections on the Online Dating World

Every so often I steamroll myself into activating my online dating account. Usually it accompanies an emotional reaction to something that has happened to me. And, yes, this time is no exception, but I don't care to delve into details at this time. Too complicated, sad and frustrating. Basically, I feel like I need to make some sort of effort and The Lord will help me if I do my part... So, needless to say, I am usually not in the right head space when I delve into online dating.

Things I like:
1- No fear of rejection
2- it can be anonymous and no pressure
3- It is relatively easy
4- A buffet of single men

Things I dislike:
1- Lack of commitment
2- I feel more like an object than a person
3- Still can be rejected
4- IT COSTS MONEY!!
5- It is impersonal
6- You can't get to know a person from a profile ...

I find when I am perusing the meat market I get very, very discouraged. I feel like the guys I find attractive would never go for me, and the guys who would go for me I have no interest in. It's a terrible quandary to be in.

But, I just activated it for 3 months. Why not? Right? Right?...

I'm a cute girl, but I know I am so much more in person. I feel like my strongest asset is my personality and humor. Which. Is really hard to decipher from a sterile profile. Oh we'll, here is my leap of faith, my act of desperation and my attempt to move on in my life. And who know, maybe this time it will work?

On another note- each of the four times I've had an activated account- no real dates have transpired. It doesn't seem to matter how proactive I am- how many flirts, messages or winks I send. Even the guys who have written a few times- they've never actually asked me out. (One guy lasted for around 40 pointless messages back and forth- I kept hinting at him to ask me out, but then I realized that I didn't want to go out with him. So, I cut ties). I just feel like it is a waste of my money. But yet, I am driven by hope that maybe this time will work?

Doubt it, but only time will tell.