I don't cry much publicly. I do cry, but it's usually privately when I allow myself to fully feel emotions and deal with whatever is bothering me.
I try hard to never lose my cool with my students. I show them respect and expect it in return. I never yell... but I have been known to over-enunciate a few times when I am especially angry. But even then I could count on one hand the number of times I have done that in the past 6 years with my students.
Teaching High School Theatre is an insane amount of stress... which leads me to today.
Tonight my show opened, last weekend I took 30 kids to an overnight theatre conference where 3 kids were totally irresponsible and caused me a lot of grief, I am working with kids to get them ready for scholarship auditions, I was in charge of a registration video that was shown at the registration night last night, I am in the midst of buying a condo and moving, I am planning a tour for the entire performing arts department to go to Disneyland over Spring Break, I am preparing kids for region and state drama competitions... and oh yeah, I am trying REALLY hard to be healthy when my gut reaction when I feel stress is to eat ice cream...
When I was gone to the conference, I left instructions for a student to finish some work on the show. When I returned nothing had been done. (Three days before opening night) I had talked to this student three weeks prior and gave them instructions what to do. I was disappointed that it wasn't finished this past Monday, so I talked to the student and they said they would do it that day. Well, they never showed up. The next morning I saw this student in the hall and asked about where they had been. They had a good excuse, but the task still needed to be done. I expressed my disappointment in the actions and by this time was pretty stressed (oh also on that day, the district server was down so I could not access any of my documents for two days, so I was making up lesson plans on the spot.) Later that day this student sent another student to my classroom to do the task... someone who had no idea what to do... all while I was trying to finish the video, teach a class and get things ready for my dress rehearsal, program lights and make up a lesson plan on the spot because I couldn't access my documents...
I literally started shaking with stress and anger. I went and talked to the kid where I over-enunciated my feelings in front of two other teachers, so they can vouch for my behavior. I never blamed the kid personally, attacking the kid's character, but I did express how the lack of communication and follow through had affected everything that had gone on. Then I left and asked two of my students to help me finish the task.
I felt a little remorse for being so upset with the student (even though they deserved the reprimand, I should've perhaps been more calm.) So, I vowed if I saw the student I would apologize.
Cut to this morning. The vice principal comes in my room at the beginning of the day and asks if I can come down during my consultation, I say sure and ask what it's about. He said he talk to me later. So immediately I start having anxiety and I am racking my brain about what it could possibly be.
I go down to the office and go into the Principal's office to meet with him and the Vice Principal and they proceed to tell me that the student had been in with their parents to discuss the incident. I was floored. And the most ridiculous thing was that the student went in before the incident where I chewed him out (in a stressed, over-enunciated manner), and then came back after that had happened... Now, I'm not going to go into explicit detail, but, seriously? Seriously????
The worst part was, when I explained my perspective, I started talking about all the stress I was under, I started crying in front of these two men. I don't really do that. I felt overwhelmed and bogged down by everything I do and am expected to do. And I just felt attacked, not by the administration, but by this student who was acting like a selfish kid... oh wait ...
And so I cried some more.
And then I went and taught a delightful class, and tearfully told them how much I appreciate their positive attitudes and willingness to learn.
Then I saw the student in the hall and apologized for getting upset, asked them if they understood why I was upset and then had them repeat back to me why I was upset so I knew they understood. Then I asked the student if they we were cool and they said yes. And I said, ok. And I silently vowed to NEVER give this student any responsibilities and NEVER work with them again.
Then there was a crazy fire drill and I stood outside in the cold.
Then I drove home and cried some more and just longed for someone to be there for me. Someone to physically hold me and tell me I would be able to do it. That I got this.
Then I paid my rent and talked to the management about what they expect as far as cleanliness when I move.
Then I went and bought some last minute items for the show tonight.
Then I went to Cafe Rio and ate a salad... and didn't count the calories.
Then I went to the school and aged my students and gave them a rousing pep talk for opening night about cherishing the moment.
Then I sat in the hall by myself and listened to the uproarious laughter from the audience.
Then I drove home, and cried some more.
Then I blogged.
I guess the biggest thing that is hard for me is the reality that some parents do not make their kids accountable for their actions. I fear for this student's future when Mommy and Daddy can't save the day.
I guess I feel better. The show went really well.
I need a vacation... and a hug. Well, more a hug than anything. At times like this, it really sucks to be alone.
