Any Dream Will Do

Last Saturday was closing night for the Murray's Arts Production of Joseph where I played one of four narrators. It was my first musical since 2007 when I was Ruth in Pirates of Penzance at the same venue. Last year Cameron did Scarlet Pimpernel with this production team and I ended up helping with wigs. Well, part of me wanted them to know what my other talents were. So, last March I decided to audition. I was a little bit nervous, mostly because of the way I see myself. Let me digress for just a moment (now this isn't a pity party, it's just something I really struggle with). Countless times on this blog I have lamented about my size and struggles with weight. Honestly and truly it is hard for me to love my body and hard to believe that others would find me attractive. I feel like I have a beautiful face and I am grateful my body isn't oddly shaped but I am just too large. And, I know, I know I can do something about it and to be honest, I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I am trying to make good choices daily that will produce a result. But, I have some mental/self esteem block I am trying to work through. But enough digressing... so sometimes I feel I won't be cast because of the way I look.
 But, those fears turned out to be unfounded. I was cast along with three other ladies for the role of the narrator. At first I thought 4 was excessive, but it is what it is and it ended up being pretty cool to have some tight harmonies in the songs. We each had individual solo's in the song and then sang some of it together.
I had a great experience. I made many new friends and I am so glad I did the show. Also, it was crazy to me how much praise was heaped upon me on a daily basis. It was quite overwhelming. In addition, we had these beautiful dresses that had been custom made for each of us. The seamstress took special care with mine to make sure it fit my body in a flattering manner. (It's hard to be onstage next to such lovely, skinny gals, but I think I held my own pretty well.) It blew me away how many compliments I received on how I look.
And yet... when my Mom came to see the show, she commented to my sister how talented I am, but how she wishes I would just lose weight so I could get married. As if THAT is the magic formula. I know she means well, and I understand where she is coming from. (A little disclaimer about my Mom- she is incredibly supportive, loving and amazing and I do not wish to paint her in a negative light. I think it is just her inherent need to "fix" things. She sees that sometimes I am sad that I am single and she cannot understand why. So she looks at what she perceives as the only logical reason- my weight. Please don't misunderstand- my Mom is one of my heroes, and one of my biggest cheerleaders and I know she meant well, it just was hard to hear.) But, it just was a big blow to my confidence. Then instead of feeling confident and beautiful onstage- I just felt fat. When I saw the pictures, all I saw was my fat body... No one could tell and it didn't really affect my performance (It is

called "acting" after all..) But, it was hard for me. The last two nights before closing night were especially hard although I am sure no one knew what I was going through my brain. Then on closing night, I just decided to 'work it'. One of my absolute favorite shows on TV is called "Drop Dead Diva". The premise is that a model named Deb and a plain Jane lawyer named Jane die on the same day. Well Deb refuses to accept her fate and hits the 'return' button and it sent back, but ends up in Jane's body. So she goes from being a model to being a plus size girl. What I love about this show is how confident Jane is. How she is literally a model inside who knows she is beautiful. Who doesn't hide behind her insecurities but embraces who she is. I love that she doesn't act like a fat person, she is attractive and confident. Being a fat person, you always fall into the role of comedian, best friend and confidante. I am super comfortable and confident in any of the roles. But, me be attractive? How can you believe it when I don't believe it. That's why I love that show so much because SHE believes it, so everyone else does too. So, on closing night, I chose to believe that I am attractive. And it felt good, it felt great in fact. But the makeup is washed away and the dress is off and your body is still yours. I've often believed the first step in being successful with weight loss is learning to  love yourself enough to make the change. Not hating yourself which causes depression which causes the cycle of emotional eating to continue... It seems counter-productive to love yourself but want to change yourself... So I guess the key is?
I really didn't intend for this to be a post about my body issues. I just wish I had more confidence and belief in myself in this particular area. But, right now I've recommitted for the billionth time to be healthy. But, this time instead of setting huge lofty goals, I am just trying to be ok today. I don't care about tomorrow. But today, I am going to make good choices. I am going to make today count. Because, my health is important.
Anyway, here are some fun shots of the show. It truly was an awesome experience!!

The narrators with the camel (who had a tendency to try and upstage me, but failed!!)

The beginning of the show with the children's chorus.

Watching Potipher's wife seduce Joseph.

A gratuitous shot of Cameron shirtless while we look on in the jail scene.

The Narrators with Joseph in a scandalous moment!

And finally, the four narrators. It truly was a joy to work with these talented ladies. We each brought something special and unique to the table!

A Thick Skin... Whatever

Being a drama teacher has made me realize how much of a thick skin I need to have. I wish everyone could get what they want. I wish everyone could read their name on a list next to the part they've always dreamed they would play. But what would Fiddler on the Roof be with 30 Tevye's??? Not Fiddler. You need the leads, you need the supporting parts, you need the ensemble. EVERYONE is important. Unfortunately, not everyone gets the recognition. I try VERY hard to make every person who does a show with me feel valued, loved and important. I am sick of being scrutinized and second guessed. I've realized in addition to developing a thick skin I need to develop the attitude of 'whatever'. You think I made a mistake? Whatever. You think I play favorites? Whatever.
I hate casting shows. I hate knowing some people will completely disagree with my choices. I hate knowing there will be tons of gossip and second guessing. I HATE IT.
I wish all the parents (yes I said parents first because it seems that they are the ones to perpetuate the gossip more than the kids...) and students could sit in on the casting process and understand how agonizing it is for me. So here it is-
Dear People who care,
Whenever I cast a show the #1 thing I take into consideration is the students. I try to pick shows that will allow as many as possible to shine. Then I take into consideration the community, I know the overall values and feelings. But, EVERY SINGLE SHOW HAS QUESTIONABLE CONTENT!!! It is what you choose to emphasize, but reality is that you need the dark and the light. But I am aware and I try to meet the needs of the community. I am not going to RENT at Hunter High. But, I am here to teach. And there are Nazi's in the Sound of Music, but I will TEACH the kids what that means. And if you don't want your child to be in my production because of that. That is fine. I really don't care. But you can't take the Nazi's out of the Sound of Music and I will NOT change the show.
I know when I cast a show that I am dealing with kids putting themselves out there to be judged. I know it is hard, I know their feelings and ego are on the line. I try to make them feel comfortable and confident. But the fact is, some kids are more talented. When casting a musical I look at the following things as equally important- Musicality, Acting Ability, Physical Appearance, Reliability and Chemistry. Sometimes I have to sacrifice some traits but ideally all should be there. For example: this fall I am doing the Sound of Music, I have an incredibly talented kid who played Finch in "How to Succeed..." However, he looks his age and there is NO way he would be believable as a father to seven children. So, he is not the lead. Now, you may think your kid is the best singer in the universe, but as American Idol has taught us, sometimes parents put delusional ideas into their children's heads. And you may enjoy hearing them sing, but if I don't, they will not be singing a solo in my musical. Because it is MY musical, I make the choices.
Casting is a GIANT puzzle. But, I do it sensitively and prayerfully. I love these kids. I appreciate their hard work and I understand what a sacrifice it is to be in a show.
But, understand this. I have to make hard choices. I am being judged on the quality of my show. Yes, I am going to give every kid who wants to be in my musical an opportunity. But, I want to produce the best possible show that I can. I do not do anything half-hearted. So, stop judging me, stop gossiping about me and stop second guessing the moves that I make. Teach your kids it's ok to not be the center of attention and the idea that the group is often more important than the individual.
Thank You
-Ms. Parkes
P.S. I cast my nieces in the Sound of Music because I know they can do it. They are both insanely talented. I can discipline them easily and I know they will do what I need them to do. Are there other kids in the community who would be a better choice? Probably. But I DON'T CARE! Putting together a musical is hard enough, I don't want kids and parents running around that I don't know making my life more difficult. So I cast my nieces. Will they be awesome? Yes. Is it nepotism? Perhaps. DO I CARE? No!
...Whatever!
It's MY show, MY job, MY program and long after the kids leave. I will still be there...
Whatever...

I'm Sorry- But I'm Not That Strong

Today was graduation. I always get a little emotional seeing my students achieve this milestone in their lives. And then the din from the loud parents cheering, the air horns and the fluorescent lights give me a headache and I am soon over an emotional attachment I may have felt. I will miss them, but there will always be more. I am interested to see where life takes them.

I have been busy with rehearsals for "Joseph..." I play one of the Narrators (yes I said one of them, there is four- which I feel is a bit excessive- but hey, not my production.) It's been frustrating, fun and time consuming. I'm glad school is finally out so I will be able to get adequate sleep!

My Senior performed a play called, "Save the Drama for Your Mama" at the beginning of May.

 It was a compilation of student written monologues and scenes about their experiences that led them to being a senior in high school. It was very moving. I received the following email from one my Students' Mom-
I just wanted to thank you for the program the other night. I was so wowed. It made me look at all of them in a new way. Some of them I've known since they were little and some of them I meet as Todd became involved with them at high school. I love a good play, but it was fun to see them push the edges of their space and think about what they've done and learned through the whole experience. I laughed and I cried and was touched by some of the tender emotions that were expressed.
Please pass on my congratulations and excitement for a job well done. They've turned into some pretty neat adults.
It goes without saying that you have been a wonderful catalyst for all of them. Thanks for being such a good role model and taking them further than they would have gone alone. We think you're awesome!
Julie...the grateful mama

I've also been trying to cast my musical for next year. A week ago I had dance auditions for Once Upon a Mattress, then realized it wouldn't be the right fit for my students. Changed the show to Cinderella, held call-backs and cast the show. Called the publishing house this morning to change the title and discovered CINDERELLA is RESTRICTED because of the upcoming Broadway run. So, changed the show to Sound of Music, held Maria and Capt. von Trapp call backs and cast the show. HOPEFULLY no more changes will be needed! I was incredibly bummed when I found out I couldn't so Cinderella. And it took me about a day to get over it. It was hard. But after I cast the kids (including my two adorable nieces)- I began to feel so much better about the show. And now I am finally excited! I have a really cool concept for The Lonely Goatherd song... I am also SO grateful for my production staff, they are truly a joy to work with.

Memorial Day is always a little hard for me. I always go and visit my Dad. Usually by myself...

 It was a gorgeous day and as I walked toward his grave, I was overcome with emotion. Normally I am pretty composed, I usually stay and chat with him a bit. But this time, I just couldn't stop crying. It has been 9 years since he passed away and I still have a little hole in my heart. I still have questions, I still have unresolved emotions. I still wish I had a Dad. I think we would be friends. I wish he had made different choices...

So, I've been feeling a lot of stress lately. And wishing I had someone to buoy me up. I was listening to my ipod the other day and the song, Anything But Lonely played-
Anything but lonely,
Anything but empty rooms.
There's so much in life to share -
What's the sense when no one else is there?

Anything but lonely,
Anything but only me.
Quiet years in too much space -
That's the thing that's hard to face and
You have a right to go
But you should also know
That I won't be alone for long.

Long days with nothing said
Are not what lie ahead -
I'm sorry, but I'm not that strong.

Anything but lonely,
Anything but passing time.
Lonely's what I'll never be,
While there's still some life in me and
I'm still young, don't forget
It isn't over yet -
So many hearts for me to thrill.
If you're not here to say
How good I look each day,
I'll have to find someone who will.

Anything but lonely,
Anything but empty rooms.
There's so much in life to share -
What's the sense when no one else is there?
What's the sense when no one else is there?

I just kept thinking about the lyric, "I'm sorry but I'm not that strong." Well, I guess I am, but I wish I wasn't sometimes. But the summer is here, so I'll have a break, then the Sound of Music in the fall...
And life goes on...I'm sorry but I'm not that strong...

But, life is good. Just lonely and crazy and fulfilling and stressful and beautiful and fleeting.