*Disclaimer- I am not advocating an unhealthy lifestyle. I believe in being healthy and making good choices regarding how you take care of yourself.
I recently read this article on the internet Louis CK's rant on fat girls
It's about to get real real up in here. Fat shaming is the last truly acceptable prejudice. I think it's so accepted because people "choose" to be fat. They choose what they eat, if they exercise and they have complete and total control over the demon known as fat. So, why not shame them? Why not look down on them for their lack of self control and discipline, their sub par will power. Why in the world can't they just get on a treadmill on live on salads (minus the dressing of course).
As I've stated before in this blog, I am an emotional eater. I carry my scars from just being alive on the outward appearance. I didn't choose at a young age to eat my emotions, it just happened- and before I knew any better, I became a fat girl. For more on that go to this post- The Biggest Lie
I've also realized something else about myself. When I feel beautiful and confident, it is remarkably easy for me to lose weight. I have a greater desire to take care of myself. When those around me treat me no different than those who are smaller, I find it easy. But, when I am super aware of my body, it almost becomes a punishment. When I feel less than I look at myself and say the most horrific things and then when I try to change, it is so negative because I feel so sad. So, I half heartedly eat right, exercise, but soon I just feel this sense of despair, because who would/could ever love me.
My students are interesting. They freakin' love me. Yes, we drive each other bat crazy at times, but I feel very accepted for who I am in their company. They also are fascinated by my dating life. They, innocently, can't wrap their heads around the fact that I am a single person in my thirties. They tell me they just don't get it because I am beautiful, funny, caring, awesome and amazing. I don't get it either kids, but what I tell myself is that it is because I am less than and unworthy because I am fat.
So, in short- I am the guiltiest of fat shaming myself.
What now? I've always scoffed at the idea of fat acceptance because it seemed likes huge cop out. So, no, this isn't fat acceptance, instead I want to talk about self acceptance and worthiness.
Like I said above, when I am feeling beautiful and confident- it is super easy to take care of myself. Unfortunately, I have too often relied on others acceptance (especially men) to shape my belief and confidence in my body. I've realized that this belief and confidence has to come from within. My last significant relationship was a roller coaster- I learned a lot, but I am so grateful to finally be off that ride for good. And in the past four and a half years while I was clinging to that relationship I gained almost 40 lbs. Now, I'm not blaming him- but I was unhappy and I accepted his twisted view of me because I was so desperate for it to work. And in retrospect, I see I had sold myself short- accepting the sub par, lopsided, twisted crumb of a relationship because I subconsciously was so afraid no one else would love me. I accepted that it would just be what I would have to deal with. It's been almost a year since the relationship ended, but now I can truly and completely say- I am so glad it's over, I'm so grateful I didn't marry him and I am over it.
In that relationship, I relied on him for validation. And when it was good, it was very, very good- but when it was bad it was HORRID! I've realized that one of the most important gifts I can give myself is love and acceptance. That it's ok and wonderful for someone to love me, as I am right now, not 50 lbs lighter. That it's not ok to shame fat people, it's not ok to look down on them, it's not ok to judge them, it's not ok to make them feel less than- and I certainly need to stop doing that to myself.
So, my dear reader- be an advocate for change. Realize we are all not a size 2 model, we are all shapes and sizes- but we ALL posses beauty and worth. We each have our journey and we each deserve love and acceptance. And when you see and handsome man with a stunning fat girl, or two fat people in love or a gorgeous gal with a dorky man. Just smile, just wish them happiness and share in the sheer wonderment that two people have come together and are sharing their lives.
And those who are my fat girls- please know you are beautiful. Know you are worthy. Take care of yourself so you can have a long, happy and healthy life. But don't let societies ideals dictate whether or not you are of worth. You got this. You only have one life, make it amazing.
