It’s been over a year since a post.
So much is going on in the world right now with the pandemic.
We are isolated with self quarantining.
Some have families.
Some do not.
We all are not really ok, but are ok.
Today is Mother’s Day. This day hurts more than any other day in the entire year. Valentines used to be hard but I was able to learn how to accept all forms of love and now it’s not too bad. But Mother’s Day simply breaks my heart. And now matter how positive I try to be, I spend most of the day consumed with grief. I don’t think any amount of positive thinking will change this reality.
I realize I “mother” many... as a teacher I know I am influential in many young lives. But one thing I will never understand (simply because physically I am rapidly becoming too old to bear children) is the true love of a mother. So many of my friends have talked about holding a newborn infant to their chest and feeling an overwhelming and complete love. Expressing the sentiment that they thought what love was, but now (after becoming a mother) they really understand what love truly is. You know what I hear when people express that? That I, because of my circumstances that I didn’t choose, have no comprehension of what ‘love truly is’. And this makes me incredibly hurt and bitter.
I didn’t choose to be a 41 year old single, childless woman. Growing up I dreamed of days filled with kids activities, gathering around the dinner table, heartache of trying to figure out a child’s needs and wants, sacrificing sleep, enjoying cuddles and laughter. Growing up my biggest aspiration was to be a mother.
But time is a cruel mistress. I just never found anyone who loved me and chose me and I never found anyone to love or chose. (Not for lack of trying or wanting) and at this point in my life I feel that the reality is that my situation probably won’t change. I’ve had to accept the harsh reality that I will never know pregnancy with all of its experiences, I will never know what a child of mine would look like. Yes, I may get married, yes I may have step children, even grandchildren.
But, I... I will never know ‘true love’. Because, as many have expressed, true love only exists when someone becomes a mother.
So this is for all who empathize.
This is for those who will never know ‘true love’.
This is for our collective grief which is real and tangible and hard.
This is for lost dreams, hopes and realities.
This is for the forgotten few who spend this day alone.
So many grieve this day for a myriad of reasons that I’ve not touched on in this post.
I’m trying to be positive. But my heart is heavy and sad. The grief is real and tangible.
And so I grieve, tomorrow I’ll be fine, but today, I grieve.
