Closing Night

Closing nights are interesting. You spend countless hours learning blocking, creating characters, painting sets... the list is endless all for one brief shining moment. And what a moment it is. And now it is gone, only to be relived through memories.
I love that I teach at my alma mater- it has so much meaning for me. I have a clear memory of curtain call my senior year of high school, closing night for "Fiddler on the Roof". I remember the lights on the catwalk, the standing ovation and how I felt like I could do anything. And now, I am on the other side watching the faces of my dear students experience the same elation I felt on the same stage years before.
I love the space that is the Theatre. It is a sacred place, especially a high school theatre. It is a place where kids learn what it is like to be human, they learn how to work hard and they create beautiful and lasting memories. And the shows go on. They become a part of a legacy- their voices echo with those who have gone before and pave the way for those yet to come. The energy is still there.
Sometimes I go on the stage and just feel the energy in the room, and if you listen closely, you can still hear the beautiful music and thunderous applause.
Closing night is bittersweet. So goodnight my dear West Side Story, goodnight and thank you for touching my heart.

West Side Story

I absolutely love what I do. Tonight was the third performance of "West Side Story" and it was amazing. I am so proud of this show, I am so moved every night when I see it and I am so grateful to be able to do what I do.

When I first decided to do the show it was more for my music director Mark than for me. I've always liked the show, but because there isn't really a part for me, it has never been one of my favorites. But this past summer, with everything that happened in my personal lif, I was in the perfect frame of mind to direct this show. I had just experienced a profound heartbreak and was struggling to find some shred of hope when I began working on this show. Little did I know what this process would teach me- little did I know how this show would help heal my heart- little did I know how much this show would come to mean to me.

Usually at this point in a production, I am ready to be done with the show. I'm not with this one. It is so beautiful, poignant and I will be sad to put it to rest on Monday. The cast has been incredible. Today at call, I thanked them for placing their trust in me. As a director, I break them down as actors, just to build them again stronger. It is a time consuming process, but they grow so much. They place so much tender trust and faith in me. It is incredibly humbling.

And I sit there in the dark and watch the world I've created come to life. And I see the kids as they truly are- amazing people and I am so excited for what their future holds.

It is a story of hope and understanding even in the midst of great despair. Doing this show has changed me. It has been a beautiful ride. And I am forever thankful.

Time marches on

October slipped by without a blog post- I can't believe it is already November.
Needless to say, I've been insanely busy. But it's good, I don't have a lot of time to think about what is missing from my life, instead I just have so much to do each day- and time marches on.
In this rare pause- I'm taking some time to reflect.
Honestly- I'm ok. Honestly, I still feel a little heart broken. Honestly, I wish I didn't feel a little broken. But, I'm better. I'm good when I don't think about it.
Am I better off? Perhaps. I just feel like my life has changed so much and yet it remains the same. I've become so much more guarded and a little more cynical all while still trying to maintain some semblance of hope.
Sigh.
Let it go.
Forget it.
Move on.
Build a wall.
Focus on other things.

I don't know if I will ever find what I am looking for. I'm beginning to think my life is meant to be a solitary one. And I'm ok with that, I love my life- I truly do. I have so much to be thankful for, I have so much light and I am surrounded by so many wonderful people.

This past month has been consumed with performing in "Curtains" as Carmen. Overall it was a positive experience. There were some definite frustrations, but I really needed the distraction and validation. Not to boast, but I am a pretty amazing performer and sometimes I forget what I can do. I get so busy teaching that I rarely take the opportunity to be onstage. And then I am reminded it is home for me. I need to find a way to fit it into my schedule. I love it, I love the challenge, I love the energy from my fellow actors, I love the relationships, I love the applause from the audience...
Sometimes it's good to be reminded. Last night was closing night and although I am glad it is over because I need to put my focus elsewhere, I am so glad it happened. I'm grateful for the new friendships and the ones that have be strengthened.

In addition, I am a little over two weeks away from opening "West Side Story". Wow. So soon. Truly, where does the time go? I have absolutely loved working on this show. The kids are amazing and such a joy to work with and I get goosebumps at nearly every rehearsal. I am so proud of this show, I just have to make sure every thing is ready in time!

So, in short- life is good. I just hope my heart can become whole again. Maybe someday.