This evening I have been reading my journal from my college years and although much has changed much remains the same.
Overall, I've always been a hopeful person.
I used to talk a lot to my future children in my journal. I guess it was because I figured they would be the ones who would eventually read my words.
Tonight that just made me sad.
What is left when hope fades? A broken heart?
I call myself a optimistic realist. Tonight, I just feel like a realist.
Oh and love, the ever elusive dream.
My journal pages are filled with stories of unrequited love. How, just for once it would be wonderful to have someone love me in return.
It still would be.
I'm beginning to wonder if my life truly will be a solitary one.
And that makes me sad.
But I see no change.
Sorry for the sad post. But, I'm just feeling sad tonight. And that's ok. It's fine.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Giving up a Dream?
So it's currently 1:30 am and I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind.
1- Dating/Marriage in the Mormon culture- Recently I've been called to serve in the Young Women's organization in the LDS church specifically working with the gals 16-18. As a never married girl in a family ward, I am a bit of an anomaly. I have strong opinions on how Mormon culture grooms girls to feel like their worth is tied into their marital status (evidenced by my journal from my early twenties where I lamented being such an old maid... Ha!) I am seeking to change that opinion and molding in my own little corner, and it is hard. The lessons (so far) have not been marriage centric, but it seems like random conversations with the girls often are. And rarely about being married, just more the excitement of the wedding day itself. Sigh. It's an uphill battle. I don't like it when that subject dominates the conversation, I am reminded yet once again how I seemingly "failed".
2- Temple Marriage- the older I get, the harder it is to find single men who share my standards and beliefs. I've been wondering a little bit lately about this and wondering if I should expand my pool a little bit. I've always believed nothing is more important than a Temple marriage and whenever I envision that day, I see it taking place at the Salt Lake Temple. A dream I've had since I was a little girl and every time I look at that particular Temple I think to myself, that's where I'm going to get married someday... I have a good male friend right now (he is just a friend) and becoming friends with him has given me some pause. He is an incredibly good man and I hold him in the highest esteem. He is, however, not a practicing Mormon and has been quite candid when I've asked him why. I respect his reasons, because they are his experiences. In spite of the fact that he has not kept his covenants, he is truly one of the best men I've ever met. And it's made me think, could I marry someone who couldn't take me to the Temple? What is really the most important thing? Could I really give up my lifelong dream of a Temple marriage if I found a wonderful man who met my needs in every other way? I just don't know anymore.
In short- I don't know. I have strong beliefs and convictions about the LDS faith, but have been unsuccessful in my attempts to find a mate. All I've ever wanted is illustrated in the song, Love is Spoken Here- I see my Mother kneeling with our family each day, I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears and I am thankful love is spoken here. Mine is a home where every hour is blessed by the strength of Priesthood Power, with Father and Mother leading the way- teaching me how to trust and obey and the things they teach are crystal clear for love is spoken here. I can often feel my Savior near- when love is spoken here.
That song illustrates the deepest desire of my heart. But my heart has changed over the years based in my experiences and disappointments. God wants us, as his children, to be happy. What if happiness is found outside the Temple covenant?
When it comes right down to it- I just want my own family, and thus far I have been increasingly unsuccessful... Sigh. I just don't know.
1- Dating/Marriage in the Mormon culture- Recently I've been called to serve in the Young Women's organization in the LDS church specifically working with the gals 16-18. As a never married girl in a family ward, I am a bit of an anomaly. I have strong opinions on how Mormon culture grooms girls to feel like their worth is tied into their marital status (evidenced by my journal from my early twenties where I lamented being such an old maid... Ha!) I am seeking to change that opinion and molding in my own little corner, and it is hard. The lessons (so far) have not been marriage centric, but it seems like random conversations with the girls often are. And rarely about being married, just more the excitement of the wedding day itself. Sigh. It's an uphill battle. I don't like it when that subject dominates the conversation, I am reminded yet once again how I seemingly "failed".
2- Temple Marriage- the older I get, the harder it is to find single men who share my standards and beliefs. I've been wondering a little bit lately about this and wondering if I should expand my pool a little bit. I've always believed nothing is more important than a Temple marriage and whenever I envision that day, I see it taking place at the Salt Lake Temple. A dream I've had since I was a little girl and every time I look at that particular Temple I think to myself, that's where I'm going to get married someday... I have a good male friend right now (he is just a friend) and becoming friends with him has given me some pause. He is an incredibly good man and I hold him in the highest esteem. He is, however, not a practicing Mormon and has been quite candid when I've asked him why. I respect his reasons, because they are his experiences. In spite of the fact that he has not kept his covenants, he is truly one of the best men I've ever met. And it's made me think, could I marry someone who couldn't take me to the Temple? What is really the most important thing? Could I really give up my lifelong dream of a Temple marriage if I found a wonderful man who met my needs in every other way? I just don't know anymore.
In short- I don't know. I have strong beliefs and convictions about the LDS faith, but have been unsuccessful in my attempts to find a mate. All I've ever wanted is illustrated in the song, Love is Spoken Here- I see my Mother kneeling with our family each day, I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears and I am thankful love is spoken here. Mine is a home where every hour is blessed by the strength of Priesthood Power, with Father and Mother leading the way- teaching me how to trust and obey and the things they teach are crystal clear for love is spoken here. I can often feel my Savior near- when love is spoken here.
That song illustrates the deepest desire of my heart. But my heart has changed over the years based in my experiences and disappointments. God wants us, as his children, to be happy. What if happiness is found outside the Temple covenant?
When it comes right down to it- I just want my own family, and thus far I have been increasingly unsuccessful... Sigh. I just don't know.
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