Commitment, Selfishness and Why I have an Abundance of new Gray Hairs...

High School....
It's interesting when people look back on high school what they have to say. Some people loved it, some people loathed it, some people still look back on high school as the glory days and some people thank their lucky stars that time of life is over. High school is a very self-centered time- most students haven't had the chance yet to really get out of their own realities and take a look at the world around them, realizing there is something out there bigger than themselves.
And then there is me, back in the high school world. Am I insane? Probably, but that isn't the point.
When I started this school year and mapped out some things I wanted to accomplish with my productions. I loved the idea of a Senior Showcase Production. I told my students of my idea and they were incredibly excited. I presented them with a few ideas for shows that we could do and they (almost unanimously) were thrilled with the idea of doing "Into the Woods". I was a little worried that it would be hard to pull of because of the non-musicians in the class, but I finally determined that it would be a good idea to move ahead with the show. It also seemed particularly fitting because "Into the Woods" was the first show I ever directed when I was a senior at Hunter, plus it is my favorite musical... at least it was. The show itself is still tops in my mind, but this process has been one of the most difficult journeys I have ever had.
Let me back up a little...
When I cast the show, we were in the midst of one-acts, "Arsenic and Old Lace", and region competitions. So, the show was put on the back burner for a bit. And when I finally got to the show, I realized we only had about 6 weeks to pull it off. Which, although it would be crazy, I knew would be possible IF the students were committed and dedicated to the project. So I embarked, scheduling daily 6 AM rehearsals, rehearsals during class and after school. I was excited about the project and hoped the students would be to. They weren't. Well, some were, just many seemed to not care. So after some agonizing, frustrating rehearsals, I decided to cut Act Two, which broke my heart. One of the reasons I love the show so much is because of the lessons taught in Act Two about life, redemption, forgiveness and love. Don't get me wrong- Act One is fun, but Act Two is WHY I love the show.
Some kids were disappointed, but they understood why the decision needed to be made. I thought instead of having a thrown together show, I could really focus on making Act One awesome. And then I learned that because I had made this an assignment, some of the kids just didn't care. Whatever was going on was more important than rehearsal. How in the world they expected me to block a scene that they were supposed to be in without them being there is beyond me.
So in the past few days I recast about five parts. My show opens in less than two weeks. I wish the kids would've been upfront with me weeks ago and told me that they weren't dedicated, that they would be flakes and that they would put themselves above everyone else. Then I could have recast then and my stress level would've been greatly reduced. But, no. Instead they just think of themselves...
Sometimes the group is more important than the individual. I was so livid today that I just had to leave. I was about to lose it (and I NEVER yell) so I just left and got a diet coke and breathed until I felt like I could return. During this whole process I have tried so hard to put aside myself and think of what is best for the kids. How to reprimand them without humiliating them but still having them feel the weight of what their actions have done.
I just wish they had commitment, I wish they could see beyond themselves, and I wish I didn't find new gray hairs every day...
What have I learned?

1. NEVER EVER just assign parts, you must always have auditions, I think it cause the kids to actually care.
2. Give yourself ample amount of time to put together a production when you are working with people who do not share your same work ethic.
3. Remember senioritis...

So, in two weeks on May 11th, 12th and 13th my seniors will be presenting Act One of "Into the Woods". Come see it, it should be entertaining, because, luckily, all the less-dedicated kids are out of the show and the ones that are left are working hard.
I usually have mixed feelings as a show is about to go into production. I am just ready for this to be over.

Dear Life-

Dear Life,
You have been interesting as of late so I decided to drop you a little note and let you know how I feel about everything. The song I posted above is a song called "Someone Like You" and it just speaks to my heart. Especially her comments before she sings the song... I can totally relate.
You see, Life, I never do anything half-hearted... especially when it comes to loving people, regardless of the nature of the relationship. I think I may be a bit of an expert when it comes to loving people. Or maybe I am just a fool.
Often I am the one to go through an experience just to have to let go of people and be happy for them. And although, I do wish the best- sometimes it is hard to have empty arms.
But it is ok, it will be ok, it is always ok. Sometimes I hate being an eternal optimist...
You know, I think it would be really neat if someone could love me too.
So, I throw myself into my work. The work of building teenagers. The work of believing in yourself. And Life,  it is rewarding... but fleeting. Again, the idea of loving and then letting go so people can grow. And new people come and new experiences happen and new memories are made. Then, again, all too soon... things change. Sometimes things that seemed like they would last are gone. So, I adjust, and I smile, and I find the beauty, and I pray. But, Life, sometimes...
Love, Kjersti

Hey Old Friend

"Hey Old Friend

What d'ya say old friend?

Are you okay old friend?

Are we, are we unique?

Time goes by-

Everything else keeps changing

You and I, we can

Continue next week.

Most friends fade

Or they don't don't make the grade

New ones are quickly made

Quickly they're no longer new.

That's us old friend-

What's to discuss old friend."

-Stephen Sondheim

I am incredibly blessed with some amazing friends. Earlier this week I went to New York City to see some shows on Broadway. I wasn't quite sure what I would be doing with the rest of my time, so I decided to contact some old friends who are living in the city.

I stayed with my friend Brenda who I knew from the costume shop at BYU-Idaho. She was beyond generous- allowing me to stay at her apartment, going to two shows with me, eating the AWESOME toasted marshmellow shake... And just talking.

I visited with my friend Ryan and his fiance, Jaime. Love them!! I couldn't even remember the last time I had seen Ryan, but it was if no time had passed.

Then I saw my friend Jeff who is studying acting. He was so crazy busy that I was only able to get together with him after a show. But it was so good to see him!

And finally, my friend Valerie who was a roommate from college. I LOVED catching up with her! Eating Thai food and rice pudding and sharing stories.

I love that about friend- how time passes- and yet you can just pick up as if you just saw them the day before. I am incredibly fortunate to have the friends that I do.

Also this week was "Office Night" with my friends- Amy & Chuck, Hilly & Tavnir, Kristi & Andrew, and this week Cameron also came. I love getting together with these folks! We talk and laugh and sometimes we watch "The Office"... sometimes. I love it, I love the interatctions I have with these dear friends. 

"If we truly want to be tools in the hands of our Heavenly Father in bringing to pass His eternal purposes we need only to be a friend." -Elder Marlin K. Jensen

You like me, you really like me?

I think as humans we all have this need to be liked for who we are. On a daily basis we are putting ourselves out there to be judged by the world. Some like us, and some don't. But we all want a fair shot, someone to formulate their opinion of us by spending time together, observing each other and actually meeting.
Yesterday I was talking with some students about the transition from the old teacher to me and I asked them about their first impressions of me. One student hesitated and said maybe he shouldn't say. Well I told him it was ok if it had been negative, because now there is mutual respect on both sides. He told me that at first he was not sure about me because his brother had told him that I irked him... when my student heard I was coming to teach at Hunter he asked his brother, "So, do you know Kjersti Parkes?" To which his brother replied, "Yes, why?", "Well she is the new teacher at Hunter," ..."Well good luck with that, she irks me..." ok, a little background. This student has an older brother who also attended Hunter six years after me. He actually was a student when I was on my mission. I've heard his brother mentioned, but I am pretty sure we've never met, interacted, hung out... maybe we have been introduced? So why in the world is he irked? I have racked my brain trying to come up with some time where we could have met for him to form his opinion of me. My youngest brother graduated before he was in school, so not through him. I was out of state when he was in high school and didn't come see any shows this guy was in at Hunter, and we have never even remotely been in the same social circle... what gives? I wonder how many other people I have inadvertently "irked"?

Better

I am feeling better. Into the Woods is still very stressful, but I am working hard to make it the best that it can be. I have to let go of my expectations, but not let the kids know. I think the key is setting a high expectation, making the kids feel as if they exceeded the expectation, but personally being content that it may not meet the expectation. There comes a moment as a director where you have to let go and let it be what it will be.
Last night I saw some former students in another high school's production of "Little Women" and while I was watching I again realized how awesome it is to give others the tools and them watch them shine. Sometimes I get so stressed because I always have a million things going on and so I forget to enjoy the moment. Here's to the moment!
Next week is spring break and I am going to New York City for four days! I am going to see "Mary Poppins" "How to succeed..." "Wonderland" and something else that I am going to get at the TKTS booth. It will be nice to take a brief vacation and see some shows!
Then focus on the show, then auditons for next year, year end stuff... before I know it, summer will be here. So now is the time to pause and enjoy the moments.

Grumblings

Stress seems to be consuming me and I just need to vent, this is more for me than for anyone else, but if you feel so inclined to read this post- be my guest.

• Just finished my taxes- had to pay $276.00 this year. I'm usually really good about coming out even (I claim one deduction, myself so it usually evens out, but I had a little extra income last year that was meagerly taxed...)
• I am irritated. Not to go into explicit detail, but my last major relationship (you know the roller coaster one) he was so compartmentalized with everything that I only met a few of his close friends during the time we were together, and it wasn't until after all was said and done he admitted to the fact we were dating. (He would skirt around the issue and we even called it progressing at one point, what the what!!) Which made me feel soooooo important... and now he is dating a new gal and it is on face book how all his friends are so excited for him and so excited to get to know her. And he has openly admitted he wouldn't be in a place to date he if it hadn't been for dating me. So new girl- you're welcome. You get to be the girlfriend and he is in a much better place because of me. You get all the reward with none of the crap I had to put up with, congratulations. I really am over him, I am just a little angry. But in all honesty- I do wish them both the best. I just hate that I often am the teacher in situations, going through all the murky crap just to wish them well with the next girl. So, I wish you well... 
• I have 3 and a half weeks until my production of "Into the Woods" and because there is such a short amount of time, I am having 6 AM rehearsals, during class ones plus after school. Needless to say, I am exhausted. About 90% of the class (I am doing the production with my seniors) are dedicated, while 10% I want to chuck out the window. Pulling this show off will be nothing short of a miracle.
• China... that turned out to be a big bummer...
• Emotional eating and not having enough time to be healthy...
• Still wondering... what the??

Well, I am done. There, I feel better.

Oh well...

Here is an update on the China situation:
As my last post indicated, I had been accepted for a teaching position in China for the summer. I was so excited and a little overwhelmed.
The next morning, I checked my e-mail at school and received some rather disappointing news... Apparently my recruiter had jumped the gun and they had already filled the position.In fact, they over-hired by three people- so if four people drop, then I will still get to go this summer. (I will know this by mid-May) But I am not holding my breath. And after talking with her, she let me know that they definitely want me for next year. She felt terrible for the miscommunication and I understood that sometimes these things happen. I told her I was definitely interested in next year and I hope that I will be available.
Still, I am pretty bummed... oh well, such is life.
So, now I get to figure out what to do with my summer that can be productive, relaxing and fun... any suggestions?

CHINA!!

Well, life certainly has a way of surprising me and keeping me on my toes! I recently applied for a job to teach English in China through Disney. Well, I sent in my application about a month ago and hadn't heard anything, so I contacted them last week and they told me the positions had been filled but they still wanted to interview me. Well, I didn't really get my hopes up, but I thought it would be an amazing opportunity for me. So, my interview was today and it went great! And basically they were very excited, but unfortunately had no openings, but they said they would let me know if something opened up.
And then, two hours later I got an e-mail informing me that a position had opened up in SHANGHAI CHINA!!!! So I am leaving June 22nd and will be back August 20th (Just in time to go back to teaching on August 22nd...) I am so excited for this adventure!!

Hope for promised blessings

I love General Conference. I love the quiet assurances and reminders.
Conference this time around has also seemed to carry a little bit of a theme... mainly that single men need to get their act together and find an eternal companion. And I agree, they do and if (by some miraculous event) I get married this year I think I will have to send a personal thank you to Elder Oaks, Elder Scott & President Monson. :)
It is an interesting time. I know so many amazing girls who are beautiful, smart, talented, spiritual, sensitive, and who will be amazing wives and mothers. And yet, they remain single- frankly it befuddles me. They for the most part, exercise faith, have hope and are continually seeking opportunities for personal growth. They are not perfect, but they are trying their best and it is hard. And if I may, I would like to include myself among this group.
Most of the time, I am so busy that I often don't think of my single circumstance. But, as with the talks in conference- I am reminded of how difficult it is to want something so much and yet have nothing. In those quiet moments, late at night when I just want to have someone to talk with or just BE there and there is no one but me.
And so life goes on and I continue to live, continue to try to have hope, continue to be worthy that the spirit may guide me. But I am scared. I am really great at falling in love. I am good at sacrificing whatever I think may be necessary in order to "make something work". I try to have continual optimism, I try to be understanding, I try to give space, I try to give enough clues, but not be too overbearing...
But, no one has chosen me. And it is hard to be reminded that I feel as if I am broken, sometimes feeling beyond repair- because if my experience holds true, being alone is all I know. And I am petrified to put myself out there again, I am scared that I will fall in love alone again, that I will find myself in the same situation for the rest of my life.
Sorry, I didn't mean to vent so much, I just feel because of past experience that there is no hope for me. Sometimes I feel it would just be better to throw my hands in the air- because marriage for me seems as likely as Santa visiting on Christmas. As real as the Easter Bunny and as probable as finding the ever elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...
I have no idea what to do. So, I just live and try to be happy. I just want to marry my best friend. I just want a witness to my life. I just want a child to call me "mom". I just want to mean Something to Someone. But, how?