Solitude

It's Christmas Eve, well technically Christmas because it is after midnight. I'm alone with my dogs and I just finished watching "Love Actually" (I debated between that and a Muppets Christmas Carol which I will watch tomorrow while making food). And I just feel a little sad.
I've been working on a blog post about love which I will finish soon and so its on my mind right now. The holidays are especially hard for single people. I've been spending Christmas Eve alone for 8 years now. Sometimes it's fine, sometimes it's harder. But, luckily it's just a moment. And I try to remember the reason for the season- and keeping that perspective does make it a little easier.
I wonder if I'll ever spend Christmas Eve with someone. Who knows.
Anyway, Merry Christmas. It's ok that it's hard sometimes.

So Much to Do

Here I am almost mid September and so much has occurred in the past three weeks. This post is straying a bit from the usual rah, rah positive life vibe (which is still very much who I am) instead I'm just telling it like it is.
I am stressed, I am lonely and I am overwhelmed.
Some of the stress is good, caused by good things and some is not.
So here is why-
Stress- teaching is a hard job, although if love it, it is still hard. I run a very in depth program all by my lonesome. This past summer flew by with the show, a two week sickness and the conference and I didn't really have the opportunity to recharge may batteries- thus when the school year began I still felt like I was drowning. But, you can't stop time from marching on.
My musical- last spring I had decided to do "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" I had convinced myself that I could take a musical with 6 parts and turn it into a show with an ensemble over 50. I had figured out some ways to do this, but truth be told- I hadn't really fleshed out all the details. But, try as I might I just couldn't get excited about the show.
Also, I had this silly notion in my head about shows at Hunter, you see- with one exception, Hunter has never repeated a show in it's 25 year history. So that limited the shows I could do. This year I have a plethora of boys and last May I knew Joseph would be the right choice but it has been performed 7 years ago, and so it was out of consideration.
But, as the auditions progressed, I knew we hadn't picked the right show for the kids. So after a whirlwind of changing rights, contracts, securing audition materials. We changed and cast "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" and the kids were ecstatic. But that meant my whole summer of prep had to be done in an instant. In addition to teaching (including creating a film studies curriculum for my first time teaching the class), trying to eat healthy, trying to have a life outside of school, working on Shakespeare competition stuff and a myriad of other things. But, it was the right choice for the kids and I know it will be wonderful. Although I had a dream last night I was directing the show and my two narrators were just awful, and everyone was getting frustrated during the rehearsal. So I just took over as narrator, but I was holding a mic with a chord and everyone kept getting caught in the chord as I moved around the stage. So I woke up this morning feeling frustrated... Not fun.

Being a teacher. Sigh. Ok, so 95% of my kids are lovely- they are super chatty, but that's usually about as much disrespect as they show. I had an incident this past week that was draining. Here's the story.
Near the end of 3rd period on Thursday I go into the hallway to get something out of the dressing room- I notice two boys who should be in my class are loitering in the hall. I tell them to get back in the room. As this is happening, a girl walks by and one of the boys starts harassing her and calling her names. I tell him this is inappropriate and he informs me it was his sister. I tell him I don't believe him, we have an exchange and as he turns the corner I hear him call me and f-ing biotch. (With the actual usage of the words). Of course that is unacceptable, so I talk to him in the hall and throughout the conversation, he verbally abuses me and I calmly try to get him to calm down (although I must admit my words were quite pointed and over enunciated). Usually in these situations, I can get someone to calm down and apologize, but he would have none of it. He continued to swear saying the f word is just a word and I told him that may be to him, but it is an offensive word that has meaning. Turned out the girl was his sister (I just couldn't believe he would be so rude to his sister) so I apologized for my mistake. I then asked him if he should've called me what he did, he said no, but... I told him there is no but. Then he denied calling me the name so I told him he needed to come with me to the office, he refused, so I went in my room and he left cursing me out the whole way.
I then got a group of witnesses to sign a statement detailing what they saw and what was said- talked to his counselor found out he is in the behavioral disorder unit (why hadn't I been told about this? I would've no handled him completely differently.)
In short, it really, really upset me. So I wrote a Facebook status and a lot of people wrote comments and sent messages that made me feel better. But overall, I was drained and sad.
But life goes on and I still have a job to do.

Loneliness. I am a pretty independent woman with an incredible life, but sometimes the loneliness just gets to me. Yes, I have my adorable dogs (and to be honest they are a beautiful God send and I know without them things would be a lot worse), but they are dogs.
I have a tendency to pick people to be important to me who just can't quite give me what I need. So I get hurt and then have to adjust to make things balanced. It's fine, we all act and react differently- it's all a part of having relationships. Many different people fill many different roles in my life and I am grateful for all of them. But, I just don't have a companion, a partner, someone who I belong to and they belong to me.
A few months ago I was released from my church calling working with the young women. (Although I was fine with being released, I was completely blindsided. I wish they would've pulled me aside and let me know I wasn't meeting their expectations and address the expectations before just yanking it away from me- but I digress). So, I've been trying out the mid singles ward. And it is frustrating. There are around 700-800 people who attend this branch and it is overwhelming. And it makes me mad that the church isn't doing anything to fix the problem.
I just don't know. I want to date, I want to meet awesome men-I just don't know where to being. I've done the online thing a few times and although many have found success there, I just have not. I sometimes wonder if I'm just meant to lead a solitary life.

But, life keeps happening and I have so much to do. So thanks for reading and letting me express. I'm fine, really- just overwhelmed.

My Dear Students

Tomorrow begins my 9th year as a theatre teacher, can you believe it? I can't. It's amazing to me how time flies, and the older I get, the faster it goes. This summer flew by and was awesome, challenging, exhausting and never dull! I need a break to recover. Unfortunately, I must get back to it all tomorrow. And before I do, I want to take a moment and reflect.

 I truly do have an extraordinary life. Granted, it hasn't turned out the way I had anticipated, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been an incredible ride. I remember in high school when I made the decision to be a teacher, and then on my mission, when I discovered my natural knack for teaching and my future career choice was solidified. I realize that I am very fortunate that my career choice came so easily for me, I know it is not that way for everyone.
My favorite thing about being a teacher is seeing the kids 'get it' and build confidence in themselves. How they grow, learn and miraculously turn into amazing adults.

So to my dear former students, thank you for trusting me, for laughing with me and creating beautiful memories with me! You have touched my life more than you will ever know. You have changed me, taught me and made me feel so loved, and for that I am forever grateful. I hope you know you can accomplish anything, and that I am here cheering you on!

My dear current students- I love your faces! Let's get to work and make this year amazing and one for the record books!

My dear future students- you are in for such an amazing ride! ;)

Love, Ms. Parkes

Struggles

In light of recent events, social media has exploded with varying opinions on depression and suicide. And, hoo boy, do they run the gamut. Let me be candid, growing up under very difficult situations I felt like "depression" was a cop out. Here I was with every reason to be depressed and yet I tried very hard to remain positive and happy- granted it was hard- and granted it was a struggle. But, overall I was ok. Or was I? Thankfully I have come to realize that depression is something that is very real. It is an imbalance in the brain that is more than just having a bad day. It needs to be dealt with and addressed so that people will be able to cope with their particular lot in life. Sometimes it's circumstantial and sometimes it's a life- long struggle but that doesn't negate the importance of the struggle.

Suicide is not the answer. But calling someone selfish that commits suicide is not right. You don't know their state of mind, you don't know their heart, don't presume to speak for them. It's sad to me that people feel so hopeless that they get to the point of ending their life. I don't understand it, I just try to have compassion toward it.

Which brings me to the main point of this blog post- struggles. One of the biggest (ha!) struggles of my life is my weight. You see, growing up I didn't suffer from clinical depression but I ate in order to cope with the reality of my situation. I didn't make a conscious choice to be fat, I was a child- faced with some impossible circumstances and I just found comfort in food. Just as no one chooses their struggles- I did not choose mine. I live every day trying to make good choices and trying to overcome my struggle and it is excruciatingly hard for me. Just as your particular struggle is for you.

We all make choices that have consequences. We all go through so much in this life. Some struggles are self imposed, some are a result of something else and some are just what is. But we ALL struggle, we all feel imperfect, we all just want someone to lift us.

So instead of shaming in any form, we should all strive to be less judgemental and more compassionate to our fellow human beings. Heaven knows we all need it.

How to be Happy

When most people are asked what they want in life- the majority of time they give the same answer- to be happy. And yet, most people seem to walk around in a state of impending doom. Now, I'm not talking about clinical depression or other mental illness- that is an entirely different thing that needs to be faced with a professional.
No, I'm talking about the normal, mundane, everyday, pathetic existence that we all share. Let's face it kids- life sucks. It's hard, it's unfair, it's cruel, it's awful, it's pathetic- and we all feel small, unimportant, unloved, worthless, like no one cares and that we are destined to walk the lonely road in solitude and misery.
Whoa... back up the trolley. I do not want to live that kind of life. And, I believe- we have more control over our outlook on life that we may think. But it does take practice and it does take awareness. I fully admit and recognize the need to feel ALL emotions. Running around like a happy robot does not equal true happiness. But the key is to feel the negative emotions- not dwell on them and then to move forward.
So, how to be happy?

This is my favorite lipstick- it is called this-

Don't you just love it? This is me wearing said lipstick-

 

Now you may be thinking, what in the world does red lipstick have to do with being happy in life? Well, keep reading-

 

1- Be bold- Nothing says boldness like red lipstick. When you wear it you command attention. So many people live their life in fear and 'what ifs'. Don't wait for life to happen to you- go make it happen. Will it go as planned? Most certainly not- but your life will become what you make of it. Make it amazing.

 

2-Stop the Comparisons- A lot of people are afraid of wearing red lipstick because it's too much, it will draw too much attention to my flaws. I'm not as pretty as... as skinny as... as smart as... as talented as... as funny as... Well, stop it- slap on the red lips and face the world. As Dr. Seuss stated, "Today you are YOU, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than YOU." People will love you, people will despise you, people will use you, people will misunderstand you and people will always be there for you. You are no better than or worse than anyone else- so just be you. I give this analogy to my students. You go to an ice cream store and can get one scoop of your favorite kind of ice cream. What do you pick? Some say chocolate, mint, superman, vanilla, peanut butter cup- the list goes on and on. Then I ask them- which is the best? They of course state their favorite is the best, most wonderful ice cream in the world and all others cannot compete. I then ask again, but which is the best? By this time they start to realize it is a matter of opinion. And then I say does your opinion change the ice cream? No, the ice cream is what it is. And ice cream is awesome by nature. And you, dear friend are the most awesome YOU that there ever was, ever will be and no one can compete with that- so work it!

 

3-It's not a BIG Deal- When you wear the red lipstick, what message are you sending to the world? It may be- I feel sassy today, or all I could do to keep from crying is wear the lipstick, or I dunno I just put it on. People can't read you mind and you can't read theirs. How many times have you not gotten a response to a text as quickly as you wanted, or have had someone drive inconsiderately and cut you off, or have had something said to you that offended you? You then spend time fuming, and being upset by others actions when most of the time it was innocent and certainly not meant to be a slap in the face. Instead, don't take things personally- most of the time it's not personal. It's just not a big deal. You are not the center of the Universe, you are just a part of it- give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

4- You talkin' to me?- Use your lips to communicate. Unhappiness comes when you make assumptions about people and situations. And often mountains are made out of molehills because we spend so much time in our heads coming up with the worse case scenarios. Communication can be hard, it can be scary, it sometimes reveals things we aren't prepared to face- but it is always important.

 

5-Have a new perspective- Sometimes just a simple change- like lipstick- can give you a whole new outlook. I think the number one reason people are unhappy is limited and selfish perspective. The idea that you are completely and utterly alone in your suffering. And let's face it, we are all, at the heart of it, insanely selfish. We are the star, writer, director,and producer of our own movie. The world revolves around us, because, well, it's all we know. Once in awhile- stop production on your movie and look around- see something from a new perspective. Realize you are not always right and there is value and lessons to be learned at every corner. Embrace it. Find ways to love and lift others- "They may not need me; but they might. I'll let me head be just in sight; a smile as small as mine might be precisely their necessity."- Emily Dickinson

 

6-Let it Go- I'll give you a moment to sing the song from "Frozen"- there back now. The older I get, the more I realize the wisdom in this statement. Let go of hurt feelings- I've come to realize that closure is a myth. There will always be regret, there will always be the dreaded 'what ifs' and there will always be sorrow. Let it go. Let go of expectations- just let people be who they need to be. You don't know their whole story, you don't see and feel everything they feel- just love and let go. Let go of toxic people in your life. My favorite red lipstick (you knew I had to tie it in somehow!) I purchased to use onstage when I played Nancy in Oliver! (Post about my experience playing Nancy) She was a character who didn't understand how to let go of the people who were hurting her and eventually, it was the end of her. Her motivations and intentions were well meaning, she just put her trust and faith in the wrong people. It's ok to let people go, it's ok to distance yourself from people who use you, hurt you, belittle you and wrong you. It's ok to let them go. It's ok to leave bad situations, it's ok to move on.

 

7-Acceptance with Hope- And finally accept the beauty that is you and your life. Wear those lips!! So, I am 35 and single and any of you who read this blog know that I talk about this. I talk about it because I am trying to figure it all out. My whole life- all I've wanted was a husband. I prayed for it, planned for it, yearned for it and sobbed about it. I had a recent experience which caused me to look at my life and finally ask myself the question... "What if I am single my whole life... gulp" And I came to the conclusion that I will still have a fulfilling, incredible, complete and spectacular life. Because my life right now is amazing- and instead of looking for greener grass- I need to accept what is right now. Not what may be tomorrow- but what is- right now. I have hope for things to happen in my life, but in the meantime- I accept and embrace what it- because it's pretty astounding.

 

So, there you have it- face it- life sucks. So, what are you going to do about it?

 

I don't know about you, but I'm going to slap on my f-bomb lipstick and face the world and be happy!

It's a Fine Life

I recently played Nancy in Murray City's production of "Oliver!"

 

It was such a beautiful experience that taught me so much. When I was cast in the role I wrote the following blog post about the experience- Being the Girl 

 

 Nancy is my favorite role that I have ever played. For awhile she was tied with the Baker's Wife from "Into the Woods", but eventually the heart of Nancy won. Why, you may ask. Admittedly the book of "Oliver" leaves some things to be desired. The resolution happens too rapidly and sometimes the endless reprises are a little tiring. But this little show has come to mean the world to me.

In my previous blog post, I talked about my reservation playing this part because I am not the physical ideal. Well, the more I learned about Nancy, the more I discovered her, the more I understood about her, the more I understood more about myself. Nancy is incredibly complicated, she loves with all her heart and sees the goodness in others. She is blinded by this love and driven by this love. Plus, my dear friend Kara made me this beautiful red dress that I wore on stage.

 

 

And I felt beautiful. Girls, you know this- its far too rare of an occasion when you feel truly beautiful and confident. Nancy gave me that. There was no way I could hide behind my insecurities when I was her, because she didn't possess those insecurities. She knew she was desired, she knew she was wanted and she knew she was loved by all. She was tough, sassy, vulnerable, jovial, kind, patient, considerate and flawed. How could I be any less?

 

 

So, I gave her my heart. And she changed me. I realized that it is a waste of time to hide behind our perceived flaws and insecurities. Even up until opening I was afraid people would see my performance and say "Yeah, she sings well, but she is way too fat for this role." I would tell my fears to my friend Blake who played Bill Sykes and he would just look at me in bewilderment that someone would ever think that. I tried to take his belief in me and run with it. I decided no matter what that I was going to give it everything I have. And I did. And it was incredible.

And you know what- not one person mentioned anything about my imperfections. In fact the opposite was true- I received compliment upon compliment about how gorgeous and perfect I was to play Nancy. How I touched their hearts, how I made them laugh and cry. As the run came to a close, I started to realize that I am those things. That I am beautiful as I am and I have so much to give.

 

 

One of my favorite things about being in this show was the cast. It was the least backstage drama cast that I have ever been a part of. I felt so much support and camaraderie from everyone. This was especially evident when I sang the high note in "As Long as He Needs Me". Well, right before opening, I had a bout with seasonal allergies that affected my singing voice and on opening night, I couldn't quite hit it the way I wanted to. I was so frustrated and psyched myself out. On, the second night- the moment for the note came and I felt no tension physically and the note just sailed out of me. I went backstage and my dear former students Courtney and Matt were elated! They told me they had literally been praying for me at the moment I sang the note. Then person after person told me how they were either praying or sending me positive thoughts at that exact moment. This touched me more than I can adequately express. Then every night after the song and the reprise, the cast would high five me and give me congratulations. I felt their support, love and encouragement.

 

 

I am so grateful to all the people who came and supported me in this show. Every night I had a fan club and it meant so much to me those who travelled near and far. There is nothing like singing under the stars with a live orchestra and baring your soul onstage. I am so grateful I had this choice opportunity to play Nancy and to be a part of something so lovely.

Thank you to everyone for believing in me.

It's a Fine Life!!!

 

 

 



As of right now-

It's Fathers Day. I often forget Father's Day because my Dad has been dead for 11 years now. I have a step-dad who married my Mom when I was 23 so he didn't have a part in raising me and although I appreciate all he does for my Mom- I don't really see him as a Dad. But that's ok.
Right now I am suffering from the worst allergies EVER! I've decided to take the day off and put myself on vocal rest to hopefully heal more quickly. Because, you see- this week Oliver opens and I've got to belt some high notes! I've been so frustrated with myself lately because I have not been at my best. I'm still struggling with lines even though I've spent hours working on them and going over them. I think I've psyched myself out a bit. I think I just need to relax and just be. I know I can do it. Also, I have to remember it's not my show. I just finished my 8th year teaching and subsequently my 8th year being a director- it's hard to take that hat off. It's usually my job to notice and fix all the problems. It's hard to not do that when it's not my show. Sigh. Also I'm opinionated. Sigh.
I do too much. Let's just say professionally I have a ton on my plate right now and even though it's summer, I don't feel like I've gotten a break or had a moment of relaxation. I need to learn to say no sometimes.
And lastly- I'm feeling a little disheartened. I love the gospel. I don't understand everything and at times I've become quite disillusioned with the culture and mentality of church members. However, at the heart of it all, I'm a good Mormon girl and it hurts my heart a little to witness those I love decide to turn their back on their faith. Now, I don't judge, I don't condemn- that's not my place. It just makes me a little sad, that's all. The world makes me a little sad. Sure, I've had my doubts, sure- I've struggled with my faith. But when I'm still, when I truly am introspective I realize that living the Mormon faith and striving to be the best I can be is where I find true happiness. It's just who I am. I don't have all the answers, I don't understand many things- but I just know who I am.

Acceptable Prejudice

*Disclaimer- I am not advocating an unhealthy lifestyle. I believe in being healthy and making good choices regarding how you take care of yourself.

I recently read this article on the internet Louis CK's rant on fat girls

It's about to get real real up in here. Fat shaming is the last truly acceptable prejudice. I think it's so accepted because people "choose" to be fat. They choose what they eat, if they exercise and they have complete and total control over the demon known as fat. So, why not shame them? Why not look down on them for their lack of self control and discipline, their sub par will power. Why in the world can't they just get on a treadmill on live on salads (minus the dressing of course).
As I've stated before in this blog, I am an emotional eater. I carry my scars from just being alive on the outward appearance. I didn't choose at a young age to eat my emotions, it just happened- and before I knew any better, I became a fat girl. For more on that go to this post- The Biggest Lie

I've also realized something else about myself. When I feel beautiful and confident, it is remarkably easy for me to lose weight. I have a greater desire to take care of myself. When those around me treat me no different than those who are smaller, I find it easy. But, when I am super aware of my body, it almost becomes a punishment. When I feel less than I look at myself and say the most horrific things and then when I try to change, it is so negative because I feel so sad. So, I half heartedly eat right, exercise, but soon I just feel this sense of despair, because who would/could ever love me.

My students are interesting. They freakin' love me. Yes, we drive each other bat crazy at times, but I feel very accepted for who I am in their company. They also are fascinated by my dating life. They, innocently, can't wrap their heads around the fact that I am a single person in my thirties. They tell me they just don't get it because I am beautiful, funny, caring, awesome and amazing. I don't get it either kids, but what I tell myself is that it is because I am less than and unworthy because I am fat.

So, in short- I am the guiltiest of fat shaming myself.

What now? I've always scoffed at the idea of fat acceptance because it seemed likes huge cop out. So, no, this isn't fat acceptance, instead I want to talk about self acceptance and worthiness.
Like I said above, when I am feeling beautiful and confident- it is super easy to take care of myself. Unfortunately, I have too often relied on others acceptance (especially men) to shape my belief and confidence in my body. I've realized that this belief and confidence has to come from within. My last significant relationship was a roller coaster- I learned a lot, but I am so grateful to finally be off that ride for good. And in the past four and a half years while I was clinging to that relationship I gained almost 40 lbs. Now, I'm not blaming him- but I was unhappy and I accepted his twisted view of me because I was so desperate for it to work. And in retrospect, I see I had sold myself short- accepting the sub par, lopsided, twisted crumb of a relationship because I subconsciously was so afraid no one else would love me. I accepted that it would just be what I would have to deal with. It's been almost a year since the relationship ended, but now I can truly and completely say- I am so glad it's over, I'm so grateful I didn't marry him and I am over it.

In that relationship, I relied on him for validation. And when it was good, it was very, very good- but when it was bad it was HORRID! I've realized that one of the most important gifts I can give myself is love and acceptance. That it's ok and wonderful for someone to love me, as I am right now, not 50 lbs lighter. That it's not ok to shame fat people, it's not ok to look down on them, it's not ok to judge them, it's not ok to make them feel less than- and I certainly need to stop doing that to myself.

So, my dear reader- be an advocate for change. Realize we are all not a size 2 model, we are all shapes and sizes- but we ALL posses beauty and worth. We each have our journey and we each deserve love and acceptance. And when you see and handsome man with a stunning fat girl, or two fat people in love or a gorgeous gal with a dorky man. Just smile, just wish them happiness and share in the sheer wonderment that two people have come together and are sharing their lives.

And those who are my fat girls- please know you are beautiful. Know you are worthy. Take care of yourself so you can have a long, happy and healthy life. But don't let societies ideals dictate whether or not you are of worth. You got this. You only have one life, make it amazing.

Being the Girl

For those of you who read this blog faithfully know that this past year has been a trying one and yet a wonderful one for me. But, overall it's been hard to shake the negativity and sadness. Recently it reared it's ugly head again. So, I dealt with it- but then I received an unexpected blessing and opportunity.
Those of you who are performers can relate to the feeling of jubilation you feel when performing- for me, it especially happens when I have the opportunity to sing. Although I am constantly surrounded by Theatre, it's a rare occasion when I perform.
But, let me digress for just a moment- one of the results of what I went through this year was a severe loss of confidence in myself as a woman. My 35 years of age started to weigh heavily on me, both mentally and physically as I became lax in taking care of myself.
Whenever I audition for a show I know I will be cast as the mother, the friend, the witch, the comic relief, the narrator, the crazy aunt- never just the girl. Never the girl who is center stage.
A few weeks ago I received a text from my friend who is directing a production of Oliver this summer for Mirray City asking me to come to call-backs. I asked him what he was considering me for and he listed off the parts of the older women, the comic relief and then he mentioned and possibly Nancy. Those of you familiar with the show, know that she is the girl. Not the ingenue in the regular sense, but she's the girl. The girl.
After I got that text, I decided I wanted to be the girl. I wanted to be the beautiful girl. I wanted to be the broken girl. I wanted to be the complicated girl. But, in the back of my mind I thought I would never be cast, because, well I don't fit the ideal standard of beauty. But I wanted it so much.
At the call-backs I did my best to exude confidence, sexiness, sass and everything I felt Nancy should be. I was amazing. A few days later I got a text asking me to play Nancy. I'm the girl!

I immediately felt self conscious, bit then I realized I am that girl. There is so much of her that I relate to, and I connect to her on so many levels. And it has given me incentive to get my butt in gear. I want to be as beautiful as I can be. And, the songs. The songs! I love belting these songs.

I haven't been this excited to do something in a long time. It's such a tender mercy and just what I needed at this time in my life. I am so excited to be the girl.

Learn to Live Without

This past week I went to Southern California on our annual performing arts trip. It was not without a lot of drama, but I think that will be a post for another day-

A lot has happened to me in the past year. A year ago, I could never have predicted what a roller coaster was in store for me,  I wouldn't recognize what has happened- but it has, which I guess is a testament to the fact that things always change. It's been a year of heartbreak, lost faith and renewed hope.
I think one of the important things to remember is that life is what you make it. There is joy, fulfillment, and lessons all around. I've learned that it's ok that I'm alone. I've learned that I am complete on my own. I've learned to not place my happiness and future in anyone's hands but my own. I've learned at the heart of it all- I'm just a good Mormon girl.
I've had to learn to trust, I've had to learn that my life cannot be compared to anyone else, that my experiences and timeline is mine.
I've learned that, no matter what, I need to keep my heart open. I've learned to forgive and let go. I've learned that people make entrances and exits into my life precisely when needed.
I've learned to enjoy the quiet.
So my advice- is live and have hope. There is a new musical called If/Then that is written by the same folks who wrote Next to Normal- anyway- I've loved everything I heard from the show so far.
There is a song entitled- You Learn to Live Without that speaks to me- Here are some of the lyrics-

You learn to take your shower cold
And sleep on tired feet
You learn to order dinner in
You learn to send the laundry out
You learn how to amuse yourself
You learn to live without

You learn to fall asleep alone
You learn to silence ticking clocks
You learn to pull the shades at night
And double check the locks
You learn to speak so calmly when
Your heart would like to scream and shout
You learn to smile and breathe and smile
You learn to live without

You learn to count the quiet wins
An hour with no unprompted tears
And not to count the deadly days
As they fade into years
You learn to stand alone at last
So brave and bold and strong and stout
You learn somehow to like the dark
You even love the doubt
You learn to hold your life inside you
And never let it out
You learn to live and live and die and to live
You learn to live without  

Hope

This evening I have been reading my journal from my college years and although much has changed much remains the same.
Overall, I've always been a hopeful person.
I used to talk a lot to my future children in my journal. I guess it was because I figured they would be the ones who would eventually read my words.
Tonight that just made me sad.
What is left when hope fades? A broken heart?
I call myself a optimistic realist. Tonight, I just feel like a realist.
Oh and love, the ever elusive dream.
My journal pages are filled with stories of unrequited love. How, just for once it would be wonderful to have someone love me in return.
It still would be.
I'm beginning to wonder if my life truly will be a solitary one.
And that makes me sad.
But I see no change.
Sorry for the sad post. But, I'm just feeling sad tonight. And that's ok. It's fine.

Giving up a Dream?

So it's currently 1:30 am and I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind.

1- Dating/Marriage in the Mormon culture- Recently I've been called to serve in the Young Women's organization in the LDS church specifically working with the gals 16-18. As a never married girl in a family ward, I am a bit of an anomaly. I have strong opinions on how Mormon culture grooms girls to feel like their worth is tied into their marital status (evidenced by my journal from my early twenties where I lamented being such an old maid... Ha!) I am seeking to change that opinion and molding in my own little corner, and it is hard. The lessons (so far) have not been marriage centric, but it seems like random conversations with the girls often are. And rarely about being married, just more the excitement of the wedding day itself. Sigh. It's an uphill battle. I don't like it when that subject dominates the conversation, I am reminded yet once again how I seemingly "failed".

2- Temple Marriage- the older I get, the harder it is to find single men who share my standards and beliefs. I've been wondering a little bit lately about this and wondering if I should expand my pool a little bit. I've always believed nothing is more important than a Temple marriage and whenever I envision that day, I see it taking place at the Salt Lake Temple. A dream I've had since I was a little girl and every time I look at that particular Temple I think to myself, that's where I'm going to get married someday... I have a good male friend right now (he is just a friend) and becoming friends with him has given me some pause. He is an incredibly good man and I hold him in the highest esteem. He is, however, not a practicing Mormon and has been quite candid when I've asked him why. I respect his reasons, because they are his experiences. In spite of the fact that he has not kept his covenants, he is truly one of the best men I've ever met. And it's made me think, could I marry someone who couldn't take me to the Temple? What is really the most important thing? Could I really give up my lifelong dream of a Temple marriage if I found a wonderful man who met my needs in every other way? I just don't know anymore.

In short- I don't know. I have strong beliefs and convictions about the LDS faith, but have been unsuccessful in my attempts to find a mate. All I've ever wanted is illustrated in the song, Love is Spoken Here- I see my Mother kneeling with our family each day, I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears and I am thankful love is spoken here. Mine is a home where every hour is blessed by the strength of Priesthood Power, with Father and Mother leading the way- teaching me how to trust and obey and the things they teach are crystal clear for love is spoken here. I can often feel my Savior near- when love is spoken here. 
That song illustrates the deepest desire of my heart. But my heart has changed over the years based in my experiences and disappointments. God wants us, as his children, to be happy. What if happiness is found outside the Temple covenant?

When it comes right down to it- I just want my own family, and thus far I have been increasingly unsuccessful... Sigh. I just don't know.

A Parallel

One of things I hope to teach my students is how to emotionally authentic onstage. I am a firm believer in order to tell the story you have to genuinely feel the emotions in order for it not to feel false to the audience. So I strive to create a safe environment where kids can be vulnerable and open.
Sometimes I ask them to do hard things. Sometimes I ask them to dig deep and open their hearts and emotions. Sometimes I use different tactics to help it be authentic.
Right now I am working on our competition one act piece- it's called Spoon River Anthology and it contains a lot of monologues that illustrate the human experience in all of its aspects. One girl is telling the story of a young girl who was raped by a teenage boy and the entire town turns against her. It is completely tragic and a very difficult piece to do. Well, the sweet young actress was having a difficult time feeling and making it authentic. And so I made it hard for her. I got in her face to make her feel small and vulnerable, I yelled at her- have you ever felt small? Have you ever felt powerless? Have you ever felt like no one was there? The entire class was speechless, fixated on me. Well, she allowed herself to feel and then she did the monologue. It was so raw- I sat there as she told the story and my heart ached for her. All I wanted to do was embrace her and tell her it would be ok, but I had to wait for her to finish. I had created this hard and cold environment so she could understand and it wasn't until she was finished that. I could go to her.
Once she finished the monologue, I rushed over to her and gave her a big hug. I told her she was amazing and that I was proud of her for being so vulnerable. And then I helped her step out of the emotion- but I taught her that she would need to be that open again with the piece.
As I thought about the experience- which had been hard on both of us- I drew an interesting parallel.
Life is so hard at times, we go through tremendous heartache, sorrow and disappointment. And sometimes, it feels like God has left us alone. But as I sat there and watched my student sob through her monologue- I knew I couldn't run to her, I knew she had to go through it without me. But, I was there, watching, feeling with her and making sure it would all be ok.
I think that's how God is with us sometimes. He can't take away the pain because we have to grow. But He is there with us, watching and guiding. And once we are done, he will run to us, embrace us and let us know we are amazing and it was all a part of our growth.

Let's Go Fly a Kite-

 One of my favorite movies that I've seen recently is "Saving Mr. Banks". On the surface it is the story of the making of Mary Poppins, but it is so much more than that. It is the story of P.L. Travers and her relationship with her father.

 

Her father is an imperfect man with many demons. But she adores him, she loves him, and she cherishes every moment with him. In the end, he greatly disappoints her and she carries the scars with her into her adult years. Still the little girl longing for her father...

 

One of my favorite moments in the show is when they sing "Let's Go Fly a Kite". The creative team tells Mrs. Travers how Mr. Banks will come back to the family and mend the kite. After a joyous rendition of the song, she plainly states- "He mends it."
Later in the movie there is a scene where Walt Disney (portrayed by Tom Hanks) is explaining why it is important to make Mary Poppins into movie. He talks about forgiveness and how P.L. Travers (portrayed by Emma Thompson) needs to forgive herself. That sadness is all around us, but we choose what we remember. This does not mean neglecting the reality of what happened. But, we decide if the kite is mended. One of the final scenes in the movie is Mrs. Travers watching the movie premiere with tears running down her cheeks as she lets go of the guilt and Mr. Banks mends and flies the kite- something her father was never able to do for her.

When I was a little girl, I adored my father- there was not a more handsome, talented or wonderful man that could possibly exist. He meant the world to me. But, he was imperfect and made some life-altering choices that had lasting consequences. He broke my young heart and it has taken many years to mend it. And there were times I blamed myself, there were times I longed for it all to be different, times I just didn't understand.

He's gone now and has been for over ten years.

And what do I choose to remember? I choose to think about the good, I choose to remember the man I loved. I choose to mend and fly the kite for myself because he will never be able to. So, I have to do it for myself and that has to be enough.

Let's go fly a kite...

It is what it is. 2013- a year in review

Each year that passes brings its highs and its lows. This year has been no exception- however- I think more than any year in recent past, the highs were higher and the lows were lower. The New Year is an interesting time- everyone it seems is looking forward to change and growth. I love it for that. I love the promise of a new tomorrow- that things can and will get better.

January-

 The year started out with a brief trip to the frozen tundra of Rexburg to attend Brynne's wedding reception. It was a wonderful weekend with some amazing ladies!

 At the end of January- My students performed my favorite play, "Over the River & Through the Woods". They were amazing. In fact, for the 2nd year in a row we won best play for the district performing arts awards. It was spectacularly beautiful!

 Also in January one of my closest, dearest and most cherished friends, Sarah got married. I am so grateful she is in my life!

February-

 In February my sweet Grandma, Adeline Petty passed away after a long illness. She is missed.

March-

 Hunter High Theatre placed first in Region and got this snazzy trophy! I was so proud of the kids and all their hard work. I got super emotional at the awards ceremony. I just love my kids

 Now for a brief interlude to talk about these two beautiful girls. They have been my saving grace this year. How can you be sad when you have these two adorable faces excited to see you everyday. My life has truly become better since these two came into my life.

April-

 Again, the Performing Arts Group went on our annual trip to Disneyland and it was AWESOME!

May-

 It's always a little sad to bid the graduates farewell. Although I am so excited for the upcoming adventures, they are always missed.

 In May, Amy graduated from the U the same day that Cameron and Tiffany got married!

June-

 In June was the Playmill's 50th anniversary. It was one of the best weekends of my life. Filled with friends, laughter, song and reminiscing- I was on cloud nine.

...shortly thereafter ... everything changed as the man I had given my heart to broke it...

But life marches on. And with a broken heart, I continued to live and attempted to mend.

July-

 Stadium of Fire with dear friends and KELLY CLARKSON (I absolutely love her). It was such a fun and exciting and much needed evening!

 Plenty of fun time with my precious nieces and nephews!

August-

 Right before school started, I went to the One Republic, Sara Barellies concert with Janelle and Sarah. It was such a fantastic concert and I am so glad they invited me along!

September-

At the end of September, I had the opportunity to attend the National Conference for Theatre Teachers in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I felt like such a big girl! And it was so fun to be there with my friend Kara!

 I also attended Shakespeare competition for the first time with my students, it was such a blast! I love these wacky kids!!

October -

I performed in "Curtains" alongside my brother Ben. Little did I know, it was precisely what I needed in my life at the time.

 The girls in their Halloween costumes, could you just die? :)

November-

West Side Story

 This show meant more to me than I can begin to express. Creatively it stretched me so much and it was so amazing to see the growth and maturity in the kids. It is truly the best thing I have ever directed. And I am so proud of it. It was spectacular.

December-

 Merry Christmas Y'all!

I hope 2014 brings with it new experiences, new memories and much needed change. I am ready. But more than anything as I look back at 2013, I am overwhelmed at how much love I was shown by the dear people in my life. Even though it was a year filled with heartbreak, as I look over these pictures I am reminded that it really wasn't all that bad and I have learned and grown so much.

It's time to let go and move forward.

My best to you all!