Any Dream Will Do

Last Saturday was closing night for the Murray's Arts Production of Joseph where I played one of four narrators. It was my first musical since 2007 when I was Ruth in Pirates of Penzance at the same venue. Last year Cameron did Scarlet Pimpernel with this production team and I ended up helping with wigs. Well, part of me wanted them to know what my other talents were. So, last March I decided to audition. I was a little bit nervous, mostly because of the way I see myself. Let me digress for just a moment (now this isn't a pity party, it's just something I really struggle with). Countless times on this blog I have lamented about my size and struggles with weight. Honestly and truly it is hard for me to love my body and hard to believe that others would find me attractive. I feel like I have a beautiful face and I am grateful my body isn't oddly shaped but I am just too large. And, I know, I know I can do something about it and to be honest, I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I am trying to make good choices daily that will produce a result. But, I have some mental/self esteem block I am trying to work through. But enough digressing... so sometimes I feel I won't be cast because of the way I look.
 But, those fears turned out to be unfounded. I was cast along with three other ladies for the role of the narrator. At first I thought 4 was excessive, but it is what it is and it ended up being pretty cool to have some tight harmonies in the songs. We each had individual solo's in the song and then sang some of it together.
I had a great experience. I made many new friends and I am so glad I did the show. Also, it was crazy to me how much praise was heaped upon me on a daily basis. It was quite overwhelming. In addition, we had these beautiful dresses that had been custom made for each of us. The seamstress took special care with mine to make sure it fit my body in a flattering manner. (It's hard to be onstage next to such lovely, skinny gals, but I think I held my own pretty well.) It blew me away how many compliments I received on how I look.
And yet... when my Mom came to see the show, she commented to my sister how talented I am, but how she wishes I would just lose weight so I could get married. As if THAT is the magic formula. I know she means well, and I understand where she is coming from. (A little disclaimer about my Mom- she is incredibly supportive, loving and amazing and I do not wish to paint her in a negative light. I think it is just her inherent need to "fix" things. She sees that sometimes I am sad that I am single and she cannot understand why. So she looks at what she perceives as the only logical reason- my weight. Please don't misunderstand- my Mom is one of my heroes, and one of my biggest cheerleaders and I know she meant well, it just was hard to hear.) But, it just was a big blow to my confidence. Then instead of feeling confident and beautiful onstage- I just felt fat. When I saw the pictures, all I saw was my fat body... No one could tell and it didn't really affect my performance (It is

called "acting" after all..) But, it was hard for me. The last two nights before closing night were especially hard although I am sure no one knew what I was going through my brain. Then on closing night, I just decided to 'work it'. One of my absolute favorite shows on TV is called "Drop Dead Diva". The premise is that a model named Deb and a plain Jane lawyer named Jane die on the same day. Well Deb refuses to accept her fate and hits the 'return' button and it sent back, but ends up in Jane's body. So she goes from being a model to being a plus size girl. What I love about this show is how confident Jane is. How she is literally a model inside who knows she is beautiful. Who doesn't hide behind her insecurities but embraces who she is. I love that she doesn't act like a fat person, she is attractive and confident. Being a fat person, you always fall into the role of comedian, best friend and confidante. I am super comfortable and confident in any of the roles. But, me be attractive? How can you believe it when I don't believe it. That's why I love that show so much because SHE believes it, so everyone else does too. So, on closing night, I chose to believe that I am attractive. And it felt good, it felt great in fact. But the makeup is washed away and the dress is off and your body is still yours. I've often believed the first step in being successful with weight loss is learning to  love yourself enough to make the change. Not hating yourself which causes depression which causes the cycle of emotional eating to continue... It seems counter-productive to love yourself but want to change yourself... So I guess the key is?
I really didn't intend for this to be a post about my body issues. I just wish I had more confidence and belief in myself in this particular area. But, right now I've recommitted for the billionth time to be healthy. But, this time instead of setting huge lofty goals, I am just trying to be ok today. I don't care about tomorrow. But today, I am going to make good choices. I am going to make today count. Because, my health is important.
Anyway, here are some fun shots of the show. It truly was an awesome experience!!

The narrators with the camel (who had a tendency to try and upstage me, but failed!!)

The beginning of the show with the children's chorus.

Watching Potipher's wife seduce Joseph.

A gratuitous shot of Cameron shirtless while we look on in the jail scene.

The Narrators with Joseph in a scandalous moment!

And finally, the four narrators. It truly was a joy to work with these talented ladies. We each brought something special and unique to the table!