It's Fathers Day. I often forget Father's Day because my Dad has been dead for 11 years now. I have a step-dad who married my Mom when I was 23 so he didn't have a part in raising me and although I appreciate all he does for my Mom- I don't really see him as a Dad. But that's ok.
Right now I am suffering from the worst allergies EVER! I've decided to take the day off and put myself on vocal rest to hopefully heal more quickly. Because, you see- this week Oliver opens and I've got to belt some high notes! I've been so frustrated with myself lately because I have not been at my best. I'm still struggling with lines even though I've spent hours working on them and going over them. I think I've psyched myself out a bit. I think I just need to relax and just be. I know I can do it. Also, I have to remember it's not my show. I just finished my 8th year teaching and subsequently my 8th year being a director- it's hard to take that hat off. It's usually my job to notice and fix all the problems. It's hard to not do that when it's not my show. Sigh. Also I'm opinionated. Sigh.
I do too much. Let's just say professionally I have a ton on my plate right now and even though it's summer, I don't feel like I've gotten a break or had a moment of relaxation. I need to learn to say no sometimes.
And lastly- I'm feeling a little disheartened. I love the gospel. I don't understand everything and at times I've become quite disillusioned with the culture and mentality of church members. However, at the heart of it all, I'm a good Mormon girl and it hurts my heart a little to witness those I love decide to turn their back on their faith. Now, I don't judge, I don't condemn- that's not my place. It just makes me a little sad, that's all. The world makes me a little sad. Sure, I've had my doubts, sure- I've struggled with my faith. But when I'm still, when I truly am introspective I realize that living the Mormon faith and striving to be the best I can be is where I find true happiness. It's just who I am. I don't have all the answers, I don't understand many things- but I just know who I am.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Acceptable Prejudice
*Disclaimer- I am not advocating an unhealthy lifestyle. I believe in being healthy and making good choices regarding how you take care of yourself.
I recently read this article on the internet Louis CK's rant on fat girls
It's about to get real real up in here. Fat shaming is the last truly acceptable prejudice. I think it's so accepted because people "choose" to be fat. They choose what they eat, if they exercise and they have complete and total control over the demon known as fat. So, why not shame them? Why not look down on them for their lack of self control and discipline, their sub par will power. Why in the world can't they just get on a treadmill on live on salads (minus the dressing of course).
As I've stated before in this blog, I am an emotional eater. I carry my scars from just being alive on the outward appearance. I didn't choose at a young age to eat my emotions, it just happened- and before I knew any better, I became a fat girl. For more on that go to this post- The Biggest Lie
I've also realized something else about myself. When I feel beautiful and confident, it is remarkably easy for me to lose weight. I have a greater desire to take care of myself. When those around me treat me no different than those who are smaller, I find it easy. But, when I am super aware of my body, it almost becomes a punishment. When I feel less than I look at myself and say the most horrific things and then when I try to change, it is so negative because I feel so sad. So, I half heartedly eat right, exercise, but soon I just feel this sense of despair, because who would/could ever love me.
My students are interesting. They freakin' love me. Yes, we drive each other bat crazy at times, but I feel very accepted for who I am in their company. They also are fascinated by my dating life. They, innocently, can't wrap their heads around the fact that I am a single person in my thirties. They tell me they just don't get it because I am beautiful, funny, caring, awesome and amazing. I don't get it either kids, but what I tell myself is that it is because I am less than and unworthy because I am fat.
So, in short- I am the guiltiest of fat shaming myself.
What now? I've always scoffed at the idea of fat acceptance because it seemed likes huge cop out. So, no, this isn't fat acceptance, instead I want to talk about self acceptance and worthiness.
Like I said above, when I am feeling beautiful and confident- it is super easy to take care of myself. Unfortunately, I have too often relied on others acceptance (especially men) to shape my belief and confidence in my body. I've realized that this belief and confidence has to come from within. My last significant relationship was a roller coaster- I learned a lot, but I am so grateful to finally be off that ride for good. And in the past four and a half years while I was clinging to that relationship I gained almost 40 lbs. Now, I'm not blaming him- but I was unhappy and I accepted his twisted view of me because I was so desperate for it to work. And in retrospect, I see I had sold myself short- accepting the sub par, lopsided, twisted crumb of a relationship because I subconsciously was so afraid no one else would love me. I accepted that it would just be what I would have to deal with. It's been almost a year since the relationship ended, but now I can truly and completely say- I am so glad it's over, I'm so grateful I didn't marry him and I am over it.
In that relationship, I relied on him for validation. And when it was good, it was very, very good- but when it was bad it was HORRID! I've realized that one of the most important gifts I can give myself is love and acceptance. That it's ok and wonderful for someone to love me, as I am right now, not 50 lbs lighter. That it's not ok to shame fat people, it's not ok to look down on them, it's not ok to judge them, it's not ok to make them feel less than- and I certainly need to stop doing that to myself.
So, my dear reader- be an advocate for change. Realize we are all not a size 2 model, we are all shapes and sizes- but we ALL posses beauty and worth. We each have our journey and we each deserve love and acceptance. And when you see and handsome man with a stunning fat girl, or two fat people in love or a gorgeous gal with a dorky man. Just smile, just wish them happiness and share in the sheer wonderment that two people have come together and are sharing their lives.
And those who are my fat girls- please know you are beautiful. Know you are worthy. Take care of yourself so you can have a long, happy and healthy life. But don't let societies ideals dictate whether or not you are of worth. You got this. You only have one life, make it amazing.
I recently read this article on the internet Louis CK's rant on fat girls
It's about to get real real up in here. Fat shaming is the last truly acceptable prejudice. I think it's so accepted because people "choose" to be fat. They choose what they eat, if they exercise and they have complete and total control over the demon known as fat. So, why not shame them? Why not look down on them for their lack of self control and discipline, their sub par will power. Why in the world can't they just get on a treadmill on live on salads (minus the dressing of course).
As I've stated before in this blog, I am an emotional eater. I carry my scars from just being alive on the outward appearance. I didn't choose at a young age to eat my emotions, it just happened- and before I knew any better, I became a fat girl. For more on that go to this post- The Biggest Lie
I've also realized something else about myself. When I feel beautiful and confident, it is remarkably easy for me to lose weight. I have a greater desire to take care of myself. When those around me treat me no different than those who are smaller, I find it easy. But, when I am super aware of my body, it almost becomes a punishment. When I feel less than I look at myself and say the most horrific things and then when I try to change, it is so negative because I feel so sad. So, I half heartedly eat right, exercise, but soon I just feel this sense of despair, because who would/could ever love me.
My students are interesting. They freakin' love me. Yes, we drive each other bat crazy at times, but I feel very accepted for who I am in their company. They also are fascinated by my dating life. They, innocently, can't wrap their heads around the fact that I am a single person in my thirties. They tell me they just don't get it because I am beautiful, funny, caring, awesome and amazing. I don't get it either kids, but what I tell myself is that it is because I am less than and unworthy because I am fat.
So, in short- I am the guiltiest of fat shaming myself.
What now? I've always scoffed at the idea of fat acceptance because it seemed likes huge cop out. So, no, this isn't fat acceptance, instead I want to talk about self acceptance and worthiness.
Like I said above, when I am feeling beautiful and confident- it is super easy to take care of myself. Unfortunately, I have too often relied on others acceptance (especially men) to shape my belief and confidence in my body. I've realized that this belief and confidence has to come from within. My last significant relationship was a roller coaster- I learned a lot, but I am so grateful to finally be off that ride for good. And in the past four and a half years while I was clinging to that relationship I gained almost 40 lbs. Now, I'm not blaming him- but I was unhappy and I accepted his twisted view of me because I was so desperate for it to work. And in retrospect, I see I had sold myself short- accepting the sub par, lopsided, twisted crumb of a relationship because I subconsciously was so afraid no one else would love me. I accepted that it would just be what I would have to deal with. It's been almost a year since the relationship ended, but now I can truly and completely say- I am so glad it's over, I'm so grateful I didn't marry him and I am over it.
In that relationship, I relied on him for validation. And when it was good, it was very, very good- but when it was bad it was HORRID! I've realized that one of the most important gifts I can give myself is love and acceptance. That it's ok and wonderful for someone to love me, as I am right now, not 50 lbs lighter. That it's not ok to shame fat people, it's not ok to look down on them, it's not ok to judge them, it's not ok to make them feel less than- and I certainly need to stop doing that to myself.
So, my dear reader- be an advocate for change. Realize we are all not a size 2 model, we are all shapes and sizes- but we ALL posses beauty and worth. We each have our journey and we each deserve love and acceptance. And when you see and handsome man with a stunning fat girl, or two fat people in love or a gorgeous gal with a dorky man. Just smile, just wish them happiness and share in the sheer wonderment that two people have come together and are sharing their lives.
And those who are my fat girls- please know you are beautiful. Know you are worthy. Take care of yourself so you can have a long, happy and healthy life. But don't let societies ideals dictate whether or not you are of worth. You got this. You only have one life, make it amazing.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Being the Girl
For those of you who read this blog faithfully know that this past year has been a trying one and yet a wonderful one for me. But, overall it's been hard to shake the negativity and sadness. Recently it reared it's ugly head again. So, I dealt with it- but then I received an unexpected blessing and opportunity.
Those of you who are performers can relate to the feeling of jubilation you feel when performing- for me, it especially happens when I have the opportunity to sing. Although I am constantly surrounded by Theatre, it's a rare occasion when I perform.
But, let me digress for just a moment- one of the results of what I went through this year was a severe loss of confidence in myself as a woman. My 35 years of age started to weigh heavily on me, both mentally and physically as I became lax in taking care of myself.
Whenever I audition for a show I know I will be cast as the mother, the friend, the witch, the comic relief, the narrator, the crazy aunt- never just the girl. Never the girl who is center stage.
A few weeks ago I received a text from my friend who is directing a production of Oliver this summer for Mirray City asking me to come to call-backs. I asked him what he was considering me for and he listed off the parts of the older women, the comic relief and then he mentioned and possibly Nancy. Those of you familiar with the show, know that she is the girl. Not the ingenue in the regular sense, but she's the girl. The girl.
After I got that text, I decided I wanted to be the girl. I wanted to be the beautiful girl. I wanted to be the broken girl. I wanted to be the complicated girl. But, in the back of my mind I thought I would never be cast, because, well I don't fit the ideal standard of beauty. But I wanted it so much.
At the call-backs I did my best to exude confidence, sexiness, sass and everything I felt Nancy should be. I was amazing. A few days later I got a text asking me to play Nancy. I'm the girl!
Those of you who are performers can relate to the feeling of jubilation you feel when performing- for me, it especially happens when I have the opportunity to sing. Although I am constantly surrounded by Theatre, it's a rare occasion when I perform.
But, let me digress for just a moment- one of the results of what I went through this year was a severe loss of confidence in myself as a woman. My 35 years of age started to weigh heavily on me, both mentally and physically as I became lax in taking care of myself.
Whenever I audition for a show I know I will be cast as the mother, the friend, the witch, the comic relief, the narrator, the crazy aunt- never just the girl. Never the girl who is center stage.
A few weeks ago I received a text from my friend who is directing a production of Oliver this summer for Mirray City asking me to come to call-backs. I asked him what he was considering me for and he listed off the parts of the older women, the comic relief and then he mentioned and possibly Nancy. Those of you familiar with the show, know that she is the girl. Not the ingenue in the regular sense, but she's the girl. The girl.
After I got that text, I decided I wanted to be the girl. I wanted to be the beautiful girl. I wanted to be the broken girl. I wanted to be the complicated girl. But, in the back of my mind I thought I would never be cast, because, well I don't fit the ideal standard of beauty. But I wanted it so much.
At the call-backs I did my best to exude confidence, sexiness, sass and everything I felt Nancy should be. I was amazing. A few days later I got a text asking me to play Nancy. I'm the girl!
I immediately felt self conscious, bit then I realized I am that girl. There is so much of her that I relate to, and I connect to her on so many levels. And it has given me incentive to get my butt in gear. I want to be as beautiful as I can be. And, the songs. The songs! I love belting these songs.
I haven't been this excited to do something in a long time. It's such a tender mercy and just what I needed at this time in my life. I am so excited to be the girl.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Learn to Live Without
This past week I went to Southern California on our annual performing arts trip. It was not without a lot of drama, but I think that will be a post for another day-
A lot has happened to me in the past year. A year ago, I could never have predicted what a roller coaster was in store for me, I wouldn't recognize what has happened- but it has, which I guess is a testament to the fact that things always change. It's been a year of heartbreak, lost faith and renewed hope.
I think one of the important things to remember is that life is what you make it. There is joy, fulfillment, and lessons all around. I've learned that it's ok that I'm alone. I've learned that I am complete on my own. I've learned to not place my happiness and future in anyone's hands but my own. I've learned at the heart of it all- I'm just a good Mormon girl.
I've had to learn to trust, I've had to learn that my life cannot be compared to anyone else, that my experiences and timeline is mine.
I've learned that, no matter what, I need to keep my heart open. I've learned to forgive and let go. I've learned that people make entrances and exits into my life precisely when needed.
I've learned to enjoy the quiet.
So my advice- is live and have hope. There is a new musical called If/Then that is written by the same folks who wrote Next to Normal- anyway- I've loved everything I heard from the show so far.
There is a song entitled- You Learn to Live Without that speaks to me- Here are some of the lyrics-
You learn to take your shower cold
And sleep on tired feet
You learn to order dinner in
You learn to send the laundry out
You learn how to amuse yourself
You learn to live without
You learn to fall asleep alone
You learn to silence ticking clocks
You learn to pull the shades at night
And double check the locks
You learn to speak so calmly when
Your heart would like to scream and shout
You learn to smile and breathe and smile
You learn to live without
You learn to count the quiet wins
An hour with no unprompted tears
And not to count the deadly days
As they fade into years
You learn to stand alone at last
So brave and bold and strong and stout
You learn somehow to like the dark
You even love the doubt
You learn to hold your life inside you
And never let it out
You learn to live and live and die and to live
You learn to live without
I think one of the important things to remember is that life is what you make it. There is joy, fulfillment, and lessons all around. I've learned that it's ok that I'm alone. I've learned that I am complete on my own. I've learned to not place my happiness and future in anyone's hands but my own. I've learned at the heart of it all- I'm just a good Mormon girl.
I've had to learn to trust, I've had to learn that my life cannot be compared to anyone else, that my experiences and timeline is mine.
I've learned that, no matter what, I need to keep my heart open. I've learned to forgive and let go. I've learned that people make entrances and exits into my life precisely when needed.
I've learned to enjoy the quiet.
So my advice- is live and have hope. There is a new musical called If/Then that is written by the same folks who wrote Next to Normal- anyway- I've loved everything I heard from the show so far.
There is a song entitled- You Learn to Live Without that speaks to me- Here are some of the lyrics-
You learn to take your shower cold
And sleep on tired feet
You learn to order dinner in
You learn to send the laundry out
You learn how to amuse yourself
You learn to live without
You learn to fall asleep alone
You learn to silence ticking clocks
You learn to pull the shades at night
And double check the locks
You learn to speak so calmly when
Your heart would like to scream and shout
You learn to smile and breathe and smile
You learn to live without
You learn to count the quiet wins
An hour with no unprompted tears
And not to count the deadly days
As they fade into years
You learn to stand alone at last
So brave and bold and strong and stout
You learn somehow to like the dark
You even love the doubt
You learn to hold your life inside you
And never let it out
You learn to live and live and die and to live
You learn to live without
Monday, March 10, 2014
Hope
This evening I have been reading my journal from my college years and although much has changed much remains the same.
Overall, I've always been a hopeful person.
I used to talk a lot to my future children in my journal. I guess it was because I figured they would be the ones who would eventually read my words.
Tonight that just made me sad.
What is left when hope fades? A broken heart?
I call myself a optimistic realist. Tonight, I just feel like a realist.
Oh and love, the ever elusive dream.
My journal pages are filled with stories of unrequited love. How, just for once it would be wonderful to have someone love me in return.
It still would be.
I'm beginning to wonder if my life truly will be a solitary one.
And that makes me sad.
But I see no change.
Sorry for the sad post. But, I'm just feeling sad tonight. And that's ok. It's fine.
Overall, I've always been a hopeful person.
I used to talk a lot to my future children in my journal. I guess it was because I figured they would be the ones who would eventually read my words.
Tonight that just made me sad.
What is left when hope fades? A broken heart?
I call myself a optimistic realist. Tonight, I just feel like a realist.
Oh and love, the ever elusive dream.
My journal pages are filled with stories of unrequited love. How, just for once it would be wonderful to have someone love me in return.
It still would be.
I'm beginning to wonder if my life truly will be a solitary one.
And that makes me sad.
But I see no change.
Sorry for the sad post. But, I'm just feeling sad tonight. And that's ok. It's fine.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Giving up a Dream?
So it's currently 1:30 am and I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind.
1- Dating/Marriage in the Mormon culture- Recently I've been called to serve in the Young Women's organization in the LDS church specifically working with the gals 16-18. As a never married girl in a family ward, I am a bit of an anomaly. I have strong opinions on how Mormon culture grooms girls to feel like their worth is tied into their marital status (evidenced by my journal from my early twenties where I lamented being such an old maid... Ha!) I am seeking to change that opinion and molding in my own little corner, and it is hard. The lessons (so far) have not been marriage centric, but it seems like random conversations with the girls often are. And rarely about being married, just more the excitement of the wedding day itself. Sigh. It's an uphill battle. I don't like it when that subject dominates the conversation, I am reminded yet once again how I seemingly "failed".
2- Temple Marriage- the older I get, the harder it is to find single men who share my standards and beliefs. I've been wondering a little bit lately about this and wondering if I should expand my pool a little bit. I've always believed nothing is more important than a Temple marriage and whenever I envision that day, I see it taking place at the Salt Lake Temple. A dream I've had since I was a little girl and every time I look at that particular Temple I think to myself, that's where I'm going to get married someday... I have a good male friend right now (he is just a friend) and becoming friends with him has given me some pause. He is an incredibly good man and I hold him in the highest esteem. He is, however, not a practicing Mormon and has been quite candid when I've asked him why. I respect his reasons, because they are his experiences. In spite of the fact that he has not kept his covenants, he is truly one of the best men I've ever met. And it's made me think, could I marry someone who couldn't take me to the Temple? What is really the most important thing? Could I really give up my lifelong dream of a Temple marriage if I found a wonderful man who met my needs in every other way? I just don't know anymore.
In short- I don't know. I have strong beliefs and convictions about the LDS faith, but have been unsuccessful in my attempts to find a mate. All I've ever wanted is illustrated in the song, Love is Spoken Here- I see my Mother kneeling with our family each day, I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears and I am thankful love is spoken here. Mine is a home where every hour is blessed by the strength of Priesthood Power, with Father and Mother leading the way- teaching me how to trust and obey and the things they teach are crystal clear for love is spoken here. I can often feel my Savior near- when love is spoken here.
That song illustrates the deepest desire of my heart. But my heart has changed over the years based in my experiences and disappointments. God wants us, as his children, to be happy. What if happiness is found outside the Temple covenant?
When it comes right down to it- I just want my own family, and thus far I have been increasingly unsuccessful... Sigh. I just don't know.
1- Dating/Marriage in the Mormon culture- Recently I've been called to serve in the Young Women's organization in the LDS church specifically working with the gals 16-18. As a never married girl in a family ward, I am a bit of an anomaly. I have strong opinions on how Mormon culture grooms girls to feel like their worth is tied into their marital status (evidenced by my journal from my early twenties where I lamented being such an old maid... Ha!) I am seeking to change that opinion and molding in my own little corner, and it is hard. The lessons (so far) have not been marriage centric, but it seems like random conversations with the girls often are. And rarely about being married, just more the excitement of the wedding day itself. Sigh. It's an uphill battle. I don't like it when that subject dominates the conversation, I am reminded yet once again how I seemingly "failed".
2- Temple Marriage- the older I get, the harder it is to find single men who share my standards and beliefs. I've been wondering a little bit lately about this and wondering if I should expand my pool a little bit. I've always believed nothing is more important than a Temple marriage and whenever I envision that day, I see it taking place at the Salt Lake Temple. A dream I've had since I was a little girl and every time I look at that particular Temple I think to myself, that's where I'm going to get married someday... I have a good male friend right now (he is just a friend) and becoming friends with him has given me some pause. He is an incredibly good man and I hold him in the highest esteem. He is, however, not a practicing Mormon and has been quite candid when I've asked him why. I respect his reasons, because they are his experiences. In spite of the fact that he has not kept his covenants, he is truly one of the best men I've ever met. And it's made me think, could I marry someone who couldn't take me to the Temple? What is really the most important thing? Could I really give up my lifelong dream of a Temple marriage if I found a wonderful man who met my needs in every other way? I just don't know anymore.
In short- I don't know. I have strong beliefs and convictions about the LDS faith, but have been unsuccessful in my attempts to find a mate. All I've ever wanted is illustrated in the song, Love is Spoken Here- I see my Mother kneeling with our family each day, I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears and I am thankful love is spoken here. Mine is a home where every hour is blessed by the strength of Priesthood Power, with Father and Mother leading the way- teaching me how to trust and obey and the things they teach are crystal clear for love is spoken here. I can often feel my Savior near- when love is spoken here.
That song illustrates the deepest desire of my heart. But my heart has changed over the years based in my experiences and disappointments. God wants us, as his children, to be happy. What if happiness is found outside the Temple covenant?
When it comes right down to it- I just want my own family, and thus far I have been increasingly unsuccessful... Sigh. I just don't know.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
A Parallel
One of things I hope to teach my students is how to emotionally authentic onstage. I am a firm believer in order to tell the story you have to genuinely feel the emotions in order for it not to feel false to the audience. So I strive to create a safe environment where kids can be vulnerable and open.
Sometimes I ask them to do hard things. Sometimes I ask them to dig deep and open their hearts and emotions. Sometimes I use different tactics to help it be authentic.
Right now I am working on our competition one act piece- it's called Spoon River Anthology and it contains a lot of monologues that illustrate the human experience in all of its aspects. One girl is telling the story of a young girl who was raped by a teenage boy and the entire town turns against her. It is completely tragic and a very difficult piece to do. Well, the sweet young actress was having a difficult time feeling and making it authentic. And so I made it hard for her. I got in her face to make her feel small and vulnerable, I yelled at her- have you ever felt small? Have you ever felt powerless? Have you ever felt like no one was there? The entire class was speechless, fixated on me. Well, she allowed herself to feel and then she did the monologue. It was so raw- I sat there as she told the story and my heart ached for her. All I wanted to do was embrace her and tell her it would be ok, but I had to wait for her to finish. I had created this hard and cold environment so she could understand and it wasn't until she was finished that. I could go to her.
Once she finished the monologue, I rushed over to her and gave her a big hug. I told her she was amazing and that I was proud of her for being so vulnerable. And then I helped her step out of the emotion- but I taught her that she would need to be that open again with the piece.
As I thought about the experience- which had been hard on both of us- I drew an interesting parallel.
Life is so hard at times, we go through tremendous heartache, sorrow and disappointment. And sometimes, it feels like God has left us alone. But as I sat there and watched my student sob through her monologue- I knew I couldn't run to her, I knew she had to go through it without me. But, I was there, watching, feeling with her and making sure it would all be ok.
I think that's how God is with us sometimes. He can't take away the pain because we have to grow. But He is there with us, watching and guiding. And once we are done, he will run to us, embrace us and let us know we are amazing and it was all a part of our growth.
Sometimes I ask them to do hard things. Sometimes I ask them to dig deep and open their hearts and emotions. Sometimes I use different tactics to help it be authentic.
Right now I am working on our competition one act piece- it's called Spoon River Anthology and it contains a lot of monologues that illustrate the human experience in all of its aspects. One girl is telling the story of a young girl who was raped by a teenage boy and the entire town turns against her. It is completely tragic and a very difficult piece to do. Well, the sweet young actress was having a difficult time feeling and making it authentic. And so I made it hard for her. I got in her face to make her feel small and vulnerable, I yelled at her- have you ever felt small? Have you ever felt powerless? Have you ever felt like no one was there? The entire class was speechless, fixated on me. Well, she allowed herself to feel and then she did the monologue. It was so raw- I sat there as she told the story and my heart ached for her. All I wanted to do was embrace her and tell her it would be ok, but I had to wait for her to finish. I had created this hard and cold environment so she could understand and it wasn't until she was finished that. I could go to her.
Once she finished the monologue, I rushed over to her and gave her a big hug. I told her she was amazing and that I was proud of her for being so vulnerable. And then I helped her step out of the emotion- but I taught her that she would need to be that open again with the piece.
As I thought about the experience- which had been hard on both of us- I drew an interesting parallel.
Life is so hard at times, we go through tremendous heartache, sorrow and disappointment. And sometimes, it feels like God has left us alone. But as I sat there and watched my student sob through her monologue- I knew I couldn't run to her, I knew she had to go through it without me. But, I was there, watching, feeling with her and making sure it would all be ok.
I think that's how God is with us sometimes. He can't take away the pain because we have to grow. But He is there with us, watching and guiding. And once we are done, he will run to us, embrace us and let us know we are amazing and it was all a part of our growth.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Let's Go Fly a Kite-
Her father is an imperfect man with many demons. But she adores him, she loves him, and she cherishes every moment with him. In the end, he greatly disappoints her and she carries the scars with her into her adult years. Still the little girl longing for her father...
One of my favorite moments in the show is when they sing "Let's Go Fly a Kite". The creative team tells Mrs. Travers how Mr. Banks will come back to the family and mend the kite. After a joyous rendition of the song, she plainly states- "He mends it."
Later in the movie there is a scene where Walt Disney (portrayed by Tom Hanks) is explaining why it is important to make Mary Poppins into movie. He talks about forgiveness and how P.L. Travers (portrayed by Emma Thompson) needs to forgive herself. That sadness is all around us, but we choose what we remember. This does not mean neglecting the reality of what happened. But, we decide if the kite is mended. One of the final scenes in the movie is Mrs. Travers watching the movie premiere with tears running down her cheeks as she lets go of the guilt and Mr. Banks mends and flies the kite- something her father was never able to do for her.
When I was a little girl, I adored my father- there was not a more handsome, talented or wonderful man that could possibly exist. He meant the world to me. But, he was imperfect and made some life-altering choices that had lasting consequences. He broke my young heart and it has taken many years to mend it. And there were times I blamed myself, there were times I longed for it all to be different, times I just didn't understand.
He's gone now and has been for over ten years.
And what do I choose to remember? I choose to think about the good, I choose to remember the man I loved. I choose to mend and fly the kite for myself because he will never be able to. So, I have to do it for myself and that has to be enough.
Let's go fly a kite...
It is what it is. 2013- a year in review
Each year that passes brings its highs and its lows. This year has been no exception- however- I think more than any year in recent past, the highs were higher and the lows were lower. The New Year is an interesting time- everyone it seems is looking forward to change and growth. I love it for that. I love the promise of a new tomorrow- that things can and will get better.
January-
The year started out with a brief trip to the frozen tundra of Rexburg to attend Brynne's wedding reception. It was a wonderful weekend with some amazing ladies!
At the end of January- My students performed my favorite play, "Over the River & Through the Woods". They were amazing. In fact, for the 2nd year in a row we won best play for the district performing arts awards. It was spectacularly beautiful!
Also in January one of my closest, dearest and most cherished friends, Sarah got married. I am so grateful she is in my life!
February-
In February my sweet Grandma, Adeline Petty passed away after a long illness. She is missed.
March-
Hunter High Theatre placed first in Region and got this snazzy trophy! I was so proud of the kids and all their hard work. I got super emotional at the awards ceremony. I just love my kids
Now for a brief interlude to talk about these two beautiful girls. They have been my saving grace this year. How can you be sad when you have these two adorable faces excited to see you everyday. My life has truly become better since these two came into my life.
April-
Again, the Performing Arts Group went on our annual trip to Disneyland and it was AWESOME!
May-
It's always a little sad to bid the graduates farewell. Although I am so excited for the upcoming adventures, they are always missed.
In May, Amy graduated from the U the same day that Cameron and Tiffany got married!
June-
In June was the Playmill's 50th anniversary. It was one of the best weekends of my life. Filled with friends, laughter, song and reminiscing- I was on cloud nine.
...shortly thereafter ... everything changed as the man I had given my heart to broke it...
But life marches on. And with a broken heart, I continued to live and attempted to mend.
July-
Stadium of Fire with dear friends and KELLY CLARKSON (I absolutely love her). It was such a fun and exciting and much needed evening!
Plenty of fun time with my precious nieces and nephews!
August-
Right before school started, I went to the One Republic, Sara Barellies concert with Janelle and Sarah. It was such a fantastic concert and I am so glad they invited me along!
September-
At the end of September, I had the opportunity to attend the National Conference for Theatre Teachers in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I felt like such a big girl! And it was so fun to be there with my friend Kara!
I also attended Shakespeare competition for the first time with my students, it was such a blast! I love these wacky kids!!
October -
I performed in "Curtains" alongside my brother Ben. Little did I know, it was precisely what I needed in my life at the time.
The girls in their Halloween costumes, could you just die? :)
November-
West Side Story
This show meant more to me than I can begin to express. Creatively it stretched me so much and it was so amazing to see the growth and maturity in the kids. It is truly the best thing I have ever directed. And I am so proud of it. It was spectacular.
December-
Merry Christmas Y'all!
I hope 2014 brings with it new experiences, new memories and much needed change. I am ready. But more than anything as I look back at 2013, I am overwhelmed at how much love I was shown by the dear people in my life. Even though it was a year filled with heartbreak, as I look over these pictures I am reminded that it really wasn't all that bad and I have learned and grown so much.
It's time to let go and move forward.
My best to you all!
Friday, December 27, 2013
Curtains
As I have a small break before I head back into the madness of my career- I am attempting to catch up on my blog. I still have my 2013 reflective blog, but as I was thinking about what I wanted to include- I realized I never blogged about the show I was in a few months ago, "Curtains".
I was hesitant to try out because I wasn't sure if I would have the time, but I am so glad I did. I learned so much from being in the show- and I am grateful I had the opportunity to perform.
More than anything, however, it introduced or reintroduced some amazing people into my life. A few years ago I was in "Joseph" with this same production company, but as a Narrator, I didn't really get to know a lot of the cast. And this time around in "Curtains" even though I knew most of the people from before, I had the opportunity to grow closer to them. And now I count some of them among my nearest and dearest friends.
Having said all that, there were definitely some frustrations- but in hindsight- the positives have increasingly weighed out the negatives and it was so thrilling to perform. So without further adieu- here are some of my favorite pictures from the show.
I was hesitant to try out because I wasn't sure if I would have the time, but I am so glad I did. I learned so much from being in the show- and I am grateful I had the opportunity to perform.
More than anything, however, it introduced or reintroduced some amazing people into my life. A few years ago I was in "Joseph" with this same production company, but as a Narrator, I didn't really get to know a lot of the cast. And this time around in "Curtains" even though I knew most of the people from before, I had the opportunity to grow closer to them. And now I count some of them among my nearest and dearest friends.
Having said all that, there were definitely some frustrations- but in hindsight- the positives have increasingly weighed out the negatives and it was so thrilling to perform. So without further adieu- here are some of my favorite pictures from the show.
"What Kind of Man"
Emily Stevenson (Georgia), Kjersti Parkes (Carmen) & Glenn Bryson (Oscar)
"The Woman's Dead"
Greg Fairbourn (Belling), Me, & Georgia Fairbanks (Johnny)
The Show Must Go On!
Me & Tiffany Boyle (Bambi)
"I say the show must go on!"
"Show People"
Jeff Davis (Cioffi) & Me
"It's a Business"
The Producers
"Show People Reprise"
Bows
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