Some thoughts for a random Tuesday

2 weeks out from my musical. It really is quite stressful directing a high school musical. And this one has been hard- but there are moments, moments that make it all worth it.
Crying makes me crazy. But, it is a good make-up remover. Sometimes things are so stressful all you can do is cry. It's often cathartic.
One of my dearest friends got engaged this past weekend. I am super happy for him. He is marrying the perfect girl for him. So happy.
Solitude... not my favorite.
So, I did the online dating thing this past month- and the result? A lot of older creepy (I mean 45+) men flirting with me and winking at me. One guy had an interest in me- he was nice, but after about 5 messages back and forth with no connection, spark and painful small talk, I was done. At first I thought it was me, and the fact I hadn't let go of past relationships, but then I realized it was the painful small talk and forced conversation. So I stopped responding, which apparently made him write me more- so I told him I wasn't interested... Another guy wrote me and although I don't think he's right for me, the conversation is easier... so I gave him my e-mail. We'll see. I only paid for the one month- I don't know why, but it is super irritating to pay for people to have the opportunity to ask me out, especially since no one really does.
When my life is so crazy like it is right now, all I want is someone in my corner. I have many people who come in and out of my corner- but I would love to have someone take up residence there permanently.

Sigh...

Blessings and Quiet Reassurances

This weekend is General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, of which I have been a life long member. I will admit, at times, sometimes I struggle with my testimony of the gospel. Life is hard. Sometimes I don't understand why, and I become angry and stubborn, or worse- indifferent.
And yet, my loving Heavenly Father always finds a way to gently guide me. And I am humbled that I matter that much. That He has a specific plan and purpose for me. And this weekend- I have been taught by his servants and been reminded of what Heavenly Father would have me do.
As I have often stated on this blog- I long to have my own family and I am trying to seek opportunities to see this happen in my life. However, this has not happened yet for me. But, what has happened for me is a wonderful career where I have the blessing to interact with many teenagers.
At the Saturday morning session of the conference, President Monson announced that the age at which young people can serve missions has changed to 18 for the boys and 19 for the girls. I immediately thought of my wonderful students, and how this news would cause them to rejoice. I found my eyes filling with tears of gratitude as I thought of those precious individuals. Then, during the Saturday afternoon session- the choir was filled with teens from the Bennion and Taylorsville areas- and I saw some familiar faces who at one time were in my classroom. I again was overwhelmed at the responsibility I have to these young people.

The world we live in is crazy. It is becoming increasingly acceptable to embrace vulgarity and immorality. And yet, these young people rise above it all. And they often look to me as an example; what a responsibility it is.
At times, there are moments that remind me of why I am where I am. It's almost as if Heavenly Father is telling me- I know you want your own family, and I promise that will happen in due time. But, right now- these kids need you. They need you to help them along their path. They need you to love them and serve them. You are where you need to be.
Last week at parent teacher conferences, a mother of one of my students shared something with me. Her daughter, who is incredibly talented, but shy and has struggled fitting in, had found love and acceptance in my classroom. She has some physical limitations and often has low self-esteem. But, I don't see the limitations, all I see is this bright and talented girl who is amazing. She also told me how much this girl looks up to me. I am pretty open with my students and tell them stories about my life and experiences. Her Mom told me that her daughter wants to be like me. Her daughter, because of her limitations, thinks she will never get married. But, she looks at me, and how I live my life, and how I am positive and happy and how I do so many things. And she told her Mom that she realized that she can be happy no matter what, that she wants to be like me. I can think of no higher honor.
Yesterday another student posted on my Facebook wall the following, "Ms. Parkes! I miss you so much! You were the best teacher that I ever had, and have changed my life forever! :)" Another student liked the post and another one wrote ditto.
Having faith in Heavenly Father's plan for me. I was given a gift and an uncanny ability to relate to teenagers. I do not take this responsibility lightly. I've also told my students that if they invite me to their mission farewells, I will come. Keeps my Sundays pretty busy!
I also have students who are not LDS, and I want them also to feel loved, accepted and safe. My goal is to make an environment where everyone is free to be who they are. Where they all know how valued and important they are.
I'm grateful for the quiet reassurance that I am right where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. That Heavenly Father has entrusted me to guide and teach these kids. I love it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Ode to Mickey's Not So Scary!

There is a time, but once a year

Where adults and kids can stand and cheer!

There are witches, ghouls and silly fright

A magical place that comes alive at night!

Treats for all no matter the age

From the young, to the wise old sage.

When grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize-

At this party, you feel as if you've won the prize.

Memories made and a wacky time.

With friends, family- twas truly sublime.

At Halloween, it was my favorite thing.

Mickey's Not So Scary, oh the joy it did bring!

 In 2007, the adventure began

When Ben asked Luana to be more than his friend.

Amy met us for the all of the fun-

Dressed for a luau, despite lacking the sun.

 We met Mr. Walrus who was charmed by our smiles,

I was so happy I had come across so many miles.

 To meet his guy, who's homage to Disney was awesome!

My joy for the evening truly did blossom!

With my soon to be sister, it was very clear-

That Halloween may become my favorite time of year.

 Despite the rain (or maybe because of it)

These two gals didn't mind not one bit!

They met Capn' Jack and one attracted a bear

So, so glad this adventure they did share!

In 2008, the group changed a little-

Still Amy but Hannah now added some sizzle!

Who were they dressed as? Many would ask.

From crayons to power-puff girls, No, they would bask!

 The evening wore on, and Kjersti was silly-

Laughing and joking and acting willy-nilly!

The girls were a hit with all they did meet!

And they enjoyed having fun with those they did greet!

 A happy girl with her bag full of goodies-

Bids the party farewell, her happy in moodies!

In 2009, a new batch of faces-

Amy was gone, but Charron and Sarah came to the races!

Ben was back- Luana was too-

With little Elliott months away from making his debut.

 Howdy y'all in true cowgirl fashion!

This party was truly my passion!

In 2010- a moment of silence if you please.

In 2011, back in style- 

I came once again, sad it had been awhile.

Not knowing then what I know now.

That this may be the time to take my final bow.

With fruit flies and fruit along with dear April too.

And little did we know, Oliver was there with us too!

We laughed and danced and played all the while.

And the little family of fruit sure did cause people to smile!

 

So, thanks to you all for sharing this with me!

I hope this isn't the end of an era, I must go back and see-

The parades, trick or treating and the merriment too.

Without Mickey's Not so Scary, I'm feeling kinda blue.

 

Let's Start at the Very Beginning...

I am currently in rehearsals for "The Sound of Music" and it marks my 10th show I have directed in my teaching career. And I am having a hard time really getting into this one. I love the story and I have a fantastic cast, I just feel overwhelmed with the stress of it all and I am lacking some of my usual creativity.
It's always about money. I don't have any outside money to bring in and all the money in my budget is based on how much money I made the previous year. And Musicals are very expensive to produce. The rights alone are around $3,000- and normally I pay that sum when the run is over, but, the finance secretary and I had a mis-communication and she has already paid that amount. Which means, going into the production, I am already $3,000 short...
This is an expensive show. So many costumes and I want it to look amazing- which all equals money. Some of my adult production team aren't living up to my expectations and I am having a hard time getting on them for it. I don't really express my stress in an outward manner, so unless you know me well- I always appear calm and collected- while underneath I am sometimes at my tipping point.
I just need to find my inspiration and fast! We are a month and a half from performances. I have consistently put on outstanding shows and I want this one to live up to mine and everyone else's expectations!!
Sigh...
"I've always longed for adventure, to do the things I've never dared, now here I'm facing adventure- then why am I so scared?"
"Oh I must stop all these doubts, all these worries. If I don't, I just know I'll turn back. I must dream of the things I am seeking- I am seeking the courage I lack."
This weekend is a 3 day weekend because of parent teacher conferences. I am hoping a little r & r will do me some good as I get into the bulk of the production.
On a personal note, I've half-heartedly decided to be more pro-active in the dating world. Although I'm not sure when I will have the time to accomplish this goal. I'm going to seek out mid-singles social activities, and I've reactivated my online dating account. But, to be honest, my heart's not really in it. But, if I don't make changes, how will my circumstance change? I also made a recent decision to move forward in my own life, even though it means leaving someone behind. And, that's a hard decision to make, even though I know it's the right one. Right decisions are often difficult.
And life goes on.

Party for one?

The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.

Thomas Wolfe

 

One of my biggest fears is living alone. I've never been a solitary person (sure I like some alone time every now and then), but I thrive in the company of others. I lead an interesting life in the fact that I spend the entire day in very social situations with my students. Laughing, talking, teaching, learning and growing. And, as much as I appreciate my students and the love they give me, it just isn't the same.

Last February I bought a condo that I absolutely love. I bought it under the pretense that I would have roommates live with me. My cousin agreed to move in and Amy lived here a short time before she moved closer to the U. Well, my cousin had unexpected surgery and needed to live with her parents to recover and decided not to come back. You see, my condo is in a perfect location for me, but too far west for most people. I've talked with a few potential roommates, but nothing has panned out. But, to be honest, I have no desire to live with strangers...

So, I've decided to go it alone. The messes are mine, the food is mine, I watch what I want on TV... And I spend a lot of time with myself. It's ok. It was really hard at first, but now it's ok.

(The definition of OK is satisfactory but not exceptionally or especially good... yeah, it's ok.)

I guess I never imagined that I would find myself in this situation. Never in a million years would I think, 'you know at 33 years old I'm sure I'll be living alone'. It's hard to adequatley put into words how I feel about this.

What I do know- I DO NOT want this to be my life. I DO NOT want to lead a solitary life without my own family. It's ok (see definition above) for now, but not for the long term. So, I need something to change. I'm tired of dating and trying to figure that all out. I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore. There is a potential person for me... but the timing and geography are all wrong. Timing and proximity truly are everything. The crazy thing is that I have no desire to attend a singles ward, I'm active in my family ward and feel like that's where I should be. I never meet single guys over the age of 18... and every time I dabble in the online dating world, I get a pit in my stomach. What am I to do?

This 'potential' person I really can't count on for the future. I mean, he just needs to make some choices... some to do with me and some that do not have to do with me. I just wish I could make sense of it all. I wish I could know one way or the other...

Tonight I spent the afternoon/evening with my siblings, their spouses and children. I am so grateful to have a hand in raising these amazing children. I'm so grateful for the special bond I have with them. And maybe those with children running around all the time, having no "me" time, constantly cleaning up messes, raising kids, teaching kids, having a spouse to worry about would really envy me right now- when the only noise I hear is the clickity clack of the computer keys instead of all the demands from people who depend on me. Maybe they would envy me for a moment, but then they kiss their children goodnight and snuggle up to their spouse in bed. Content. While I I hear is the clickity clack... clickity clack... clickity clack.

Perhaps I have this time now in life to appreciate it when I do have children who are making me frazzled. Perhaps. My hope and prayer that this truly is a temporary time in life for me to be solitary. I just hope and pray that I can make the choices that will lead me where I need to go. That someday (hopefully sooner rather than later because I am rapidly approaching my mid thirties)- I will have my own family. And miss the days when the only noise I heard was the clickity clack... clickity clack...

Reflection

Everyday I look in the mirror at myself. I've begun to notice the grey hairs, the forehead wrinkles that inevitably come in my 30s. But this is all superficial- when I look in the mirror what do I truly see?
Who I am really? Sometimes I spend to much time in my head, ruminating over problems, trying to fix situations and reliving painful experiences. Why? Perhaps it is a vain attempt to save myself from future heartbreak? In reality, it is usually based in fear. I have a tendency to believe the negative about something while hoping to be proven wrong. All while I wait for the moment to say "you see, I was right- he really is ________." A self-fulfilling prophecy indeed. 

“We always see our worst selves. Our most vulnerable selves. We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong. Someone we trust.” ― David Levithan, Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List

I am fortunate to have people in my life who have held up a mirror to me to help me see what is truly there. Sometimes it is painful and sometimes it is reassuring. Sometimes I need to adjust and change and sometimes I need to keep moving forward.

“Reflect upon your present blessings -- of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol and Other Christmas Writings  

Reflecting on the positive. This takes effort sometimes. And this is coming from a gal who has a pretty positive disposition. Positivity is not something to be taken for granted, it is something that must be nourished and practiced. When I look at my life, what do I see?

I see a girl who is in an amazing career, I see a girl who is excited to go to work each and every day. I see a girl who often takes on too many responsibilities, but somehow, makes it all work. I see a girl who loves to love people. I see a girl who loves to laugh and make others laugh. I see a girl who has doubts about herself, but still tries to move forward. I see a girl who knows loneliness. I see a girl who is striving each and every day to have faith. I see a girl who loves and embraces life. I see me.

Being an Auntie

I am in Florida right now helping my brother and his family get ready for their move to Utah. Yesterday I spent the entire day with my two year old nephew Elliott. We started the day with his parents and the baby, Oliver at Chef Mickey's at the Contemporary Resort. After our yummy breakfast, Ben got Elliott & I into the Magic Kingdom where we were on our own. I was a little worried about spending the day just the two of us. What if he had a melt down? Would I be able to calm him down?
Anyway, we rode Dumbo, the train, Winnie the Pooh, Peter Pan, Small World, the Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Carribean. We then headed over to Epcot where we had a lunch of chicken nuggets and grapes. I then took Elliott on Spaceship Earth to hopefully lull him to sleep in the darkness. It worked! He then slept for the next 2 1/2 hours while I wandered around the park. He woke up right on time and we headed over to the Land where we went on the Behind the Seeds Tour where Toffer was our tour guide. Toffer then joined us as we wandered around the World Showcase, going on the Malestrom and eating School Bread and Elliott charmed Toffer's female co-workers.

He was awesome. Was so cute and well-behaved! It was such a fun day and I am so glad I was able to spend it with him. Hanging out with Elliott has been the best thing about this trip. Every morning when he sees me he exclaims, "Auntie!" and gives me a huge hug. He is adorable. Also this trip I've met my newest nephew, Oliver who is almost three months old. He is so sweet, nothing is more satisfying then having a baby fall asleep in your arms. It is so peaceful and fulfilling.

I'm glad I've had the time off to come down and help out.
I've also been thinking a lot lately about what it means to love and be loved. Elliott is one of the most loving little boys I've ever seen. Within moments of meeting people he charms them with his bright eyes and easy laugh (yes he is two years old, but he is just a natural). He has made me feel more loved and wanted in the last few days then I have felt in a long time. When do we lose the ability to love so effortlessly? I've also been thinking a lot about families as a direct result of spending so much time with my nephews. I am so grateful to be an Auntie, to be a surrogate parent to my cute nieces and nephews. But, there is still a small emptiness in my heart because I do not have MY own family. Alas, it is what it is.
So, you just live your life and try to have faith and try to be the best person you can be all while you wait upon the Lord for promised blessings. And in the meantime, you have amazing nieces and nephews who love you without reservation and you get a glimpse of what eternity will be like.