Party for one?

The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.

Thomas Wolfe

 

One of my biggest fears is living alone. I've never been a solitary person (sure I like some alone time every now and then), but I thrive in the company of others. I lead an interesting life in the fact that I spend the entire day in very social situations with my students. Laughing, talking, teaching, learning and growing. And, as much as I appreciate my students and the love they give me, it just isn't the same.

Last February I bought a condo that I absolutely love. I bought it under the pretense that I would have roommates live with me. My cousin agreed to move in and Amy lived here a short time before she moved closer to the U. Well, my cousin had unexpected surgery and needed to live with her parents to recover and decided not to come back. You see, my condo is in a perfect location for me, but too far west for most people. I've talked with a few potential roommates, but nothing has panned out. But, to be honest, I have no desire to live with strangers...

So, I've decided to go it alone. The messes are mine, the food is mine, I watch what I want on TV... And I spend a lot of time with myself. It's ok. It was really hard at first, but now it's ok.

(The definition of OK is satisfactory but not exceptionally or especially good... yeah, it's ok.)

I guess I never imagined that I would find myself in this situation. Never in a million years would I think, 'you know at 33 years old I'm sure I'll be living alone'. It's hard to adequatley put into words how I feel about this.

What I do know- I DO NOT want this to be my life. I DO NOT want to lead a solitary life without my own family. It's ok (see definition above) for now, but not for the long term. So, I need something to change. I'm tired of dating and trying to figure that all out. I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore. There is a potential person for me... but the timing and geography are all wrong. Timing and proximity truly are everything. The crazy thing is that I have no desire to attend a singles ward, I'm active in my family ward and feel like that's where I should be. I never meet single guys over the age of 18... and every time I dabble in the online dating world, I get a pit in my stomach. What am I to do?

This 'potential' person I really can't count on for the future. I mean, he just needs to make some choices... some to do with me and some that do not have to do with me. I just wish I could make sense of it all. I wish I could know one way or the other...

Tonight I spent the afternoon/evening with my siblings, their spouses and children. I am so grateful to have a hand in raising these amazing children. I'm so grateful for the special bond I have with them. And maybe those with children running around all the time, having no "me" time, constantly cleaning up messes, raising kids, teaching kids, having a spouse to worry about would really envy me right now- when the only noise I hear is the clickity clack of the computer keys instead of all the demands from people who depend on me. Maybe they would envy me for a moment, but then they kiss their children goodnight and snuggle up to their spouse in bed. Content. While I I hear is the clickity clack... clickity clack... clickity clack.

Perhaps I have this time now in life to appreciate it when I do have children who are making me frazzled. Perhaps. My hope and prayer that this truly is a temporary time in life for me to be solitary. I just hope and pray that I can make the choices that will lead me where I need to go. That someday (hopefully sooner rather than later because I am rapidly approaching my mid thirties)- I will have my own family. And miss the days when the only noise I heard was the clickity clack... clickity clack...