Reflection

Everyday I look in the mirror at myself. I've begun to notice the grey hairs, the forehead wrinkles that inevitably come in my 30s. But this is all superficial- when I look in the mirror what do I truly see?
Who I am really? Sometimes I spend to much time in my head, ruminating over problems, trying to fix situations and reliving painful experiences. Why? Perhaps it is a vain attempt to save myself from future heartbreak? In reality, it is usually based in fear. I have a tendency to believe the negative about something while hoping to be proven wrong. All while I wait for the moment to say "you see, I was right- he really is ________." A self-fulfilling prophecy indeed. 

“We always see our worst selves. Our most vulnerable selves. We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong. Someone we trust.” ― David Levithan, Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List

I am fortunate to have people in my life who have held up a mirror to me to help me see what is truly there. Sometimes it is painful and sometimes it is reassuring. Sometimes I need to adjust and change and sometimes I need to keep moving forward.

“Reflect upon your present blessings -- of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol and Other Christmas Writings  

Reflecting on the positive. This takes effort sometimes. And this is coming from a gal who has a pretty positive disposition. Positivity is not something to be taken for granted, it is something that must be nourished and practiced. When I look at my life, what do I see?

I see a girl who is in an amazing career, I see a girl who is excited to go to work each and every day. I see a girl who often takes on too many responsibilities, but somehow, makes it all work. I see a girl who loves to love people. I see a girl who loves to laugh and make others laugh. I see a girl who has doubts about herself, but still tries to move forward. I see a girl who knows loneliness. I see a girl who is striving each and every day to have faith. I see a girl who loves and embraces life. I see me.

Being an Auntie

I am in Florida right now helping my brother and his family get ready for their move to Utah. Yesterday I spent the entire day with my two year old nephew Elliott. We started the day with his parents and the baby, Oliver at Chef Mickey's at the Contemporary Resort. After our yummy breakfast, Ben got Elliott & I into the Magic Kingdom where we were on our own. I was a little worried about spending the day just the two of us. What if he had a melt down? Would I be able to calm him down?
Anyway, we rode Dumbo, the train, Winnie the Pooh, Peter Pan, Small World, the Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Carribean. We then headed over to Epcot where we had a lunch of chicken nuggets and grapes. I then took Elliott on Spaceship Earth to hopefully lull him to sleep in the darkness. It worked! He then slept for the next 2 1/2 hours while I wandered around the park. He woke up right on time and we headed over to the Land where we went on the Behind the Seeds Tour where Toffer was our tour guide. Toffer then joined us as we wandered around the World Showcase, going on the Malestrom and eating School Bread and Elliott charmed Toffer's female co-workers.

He was awesome. Was so cute and well-behaved! It was such a fun day and I am so glad I was able to spend it with him. Hanging out with Elliott has been the best thing about this trip. Every morning when he sees me he exclaims, "Auntie!" and gives me a huge hug. He is adorable. Also this trip I've met my newest nephew, Oliver who is almost three months old. He is so sweet, nothing is more satisfying then having a baby fall asleep in your arms. It is so peaceful and fulfilling.

I'm glad I've had the time off to come down and help out.
I've also been thinking a lot lately about what it means to love and be loved. Elliott is one of the most loving little boys I've ever seen. Within moments of meeting people he charms them with his bright eyes and easy laugh (yes he is two years old, but he is just a natural). He has made me feel more loved and wanted in the last few days then I have felt in a long time. When do we lose the ability to love so effortlessly? I've also been thinking a lot about families as a direct result of spending so much time with my nephews. I am so grateful to be an Auntie, to be a surrogate parent to my cute nieces and nephews. But, there is still a small emptiness in my heart because I do not have MY own family. Alas, it is what it is.
So, you just live your life and try to have faith and try to be the best person you can be all while you wait upon the Lord for promised blessings. And in the meantime, you have amazing nieces and nephews who love you without reservation and you get a glimpse of what eternity will be like.

Summertime and the living is easy?

I love summers. I love the break from my crazy stressful school year. I always have a lot of projects I dream about finishing. Sometimes I accomplish them and sometimes I don't...
Well, my summer at home was just significantly shortened! Tomorrow morning I am heading to Logan for three days for the annual UACTT (Utah advisory council of theatre teachers) conference. This year I am on the board of directors, so I will be very busy. It's a wonderful opportunity to network and learn from each other! I return home Friday evening and have plans to go to Lagoon on Saturday (it's the BYU-I alumni day). Annelise bought season passes for her family this year and I decided to purchase one also. So, it's free! (Well, sorta). Then on Sunday night, I am flying to Florida to be there for 2 1/2 weeks. I return for about three days and then I am heading to So. Cal for a week trip with Amy! The following week- meetings for school start.
Needless to say, my summer just got really busy! But, I am excited to go out of state. I need a break from the familiar. I haven't quite wrapped my brain around the upcoming school year and I am still feeling stressed from everything that happened at the end of the year. I need to be mentally and physically refreshed to face the fall.
Anyway, that's just a little update for y'all! Also, I think it's pretty cool I will be in Walt Disney World and Disneyland within a week! Love me some DISNEY!!

Any Dream Will Do

Last Saturday was closing night for the Murray's Arts Production of Joseph where I played one of four narrators. It was my first musical since 2007 when I was Ruth in Pirates of Penzance at the same venue. Last year Cameron did Scarlet Pimpernel with this production team and I ended up helping with wigs. Well, part of me wanted them to know what my other talents were. So, last March I decided to audition. I was a little bit nervous, mostly because of the way I see myself. Let me digress for just a moment (now this isn't a pity party, it's just something I really struggle with). Countless times on this blog I have lamented about my size and struggles with weight. Honestly and truly it is hard for me to love my body and hard to believe that others would find me attractive. I feel like I have a beautiful face and I am grateful my body isn't oddly shaped but I am just too large. And, I know, I know I can do something about it and to be honest, I am just trying to take it one day at a time. I am trying to make good choices daily that will produce a result. But, I have some mental/self esteem block I am trying to work through. But enough digressing... so sometimes I feel I won't be cast because of the way I look.
 But, those fears turned out to be unfounded. I was cast along with three other ladies for the role of the narrator. At first I thought 4 was excessive, but it is what it is and it ended up being pretty cool to have some tight harmonies in the songs. We each had individual solo's in the song and then sang some of it together.
I had a great experience. I made many new friends and I am so glad I did the show. Also, it was crazy to me how much praise was heaped upon me on a daily basis. It was quite overwhelming. In addition, we had these beautiful dresses that had been custom made for each of us. The seamstress took special care with mine to make sure it fit my body in a flattering manner. (It's hard to be onstage next to such lovely, skinny gals, but I think I held my own pretty well.) It blew me away how many compliments I received on how I look.
And yet... when my Mom came to see the show, she commented to my sister how talented I am, but how she wishes I would just lose weight so I could get married. As if THAT is the magic formula. I know she means well, and I understand where she is coming from. (A little disclaimer about my Mom- she is incredibly supportive, loving and amazing and I do not wish to paint her in a negative light. I think it is just her inherent need to "fix" things. She sees that sometimes I am sad that I am single and she cannot understand why. So she looks at what she perceives as the only logical reason- my weight. Please don't misunderstand- my Mom is one of my heroes, and one of my biggest cheerleaders and I know she meant well, it just was hard to hear.) But, it just was a big blow to my confidence. Then instead of feeling confident and beautiful onstage- I just felt fat. When I saw the pictures, all I saw was my fat body... No one could tell and it didn't really affect my performance (It is

called "acting" after all..) But, it was hard for me. The last two nights before closing night were especially hard although I am sure no one knew what I was going through my brain. Then on closing night, I just decided to 'work it'. One of my absolute favorite shows on TV is called "Drop Dead Diva". The premise is that a model named Deb and a plain Jane lawyer named Jane die on the same day. Well Deb refuses to accept her fate and hits the 'return' button and it sent back, but ends up in Jane's body. So she goes from being a model to being a plus size girl. What I love about this show is how confident Jane is. How she is literally a model inside who knows she is beautiful. Who doesn't hide behind her insecurities but embraces who she is. I love that she doesn't act like a fat person, she is attractive and confident. Being a fat person, you always fall into the role of comedian, best friend and confidante. I am super comfortable and confident in any of the roles. But, me be attractive? How can you believe it when I don't believe it. That's why I love that show so much because SHE believes it, so everyone else does too. So, on closing night, I chose to believe that I am attractive. And it felt good, it felt great in fact. But the makeup is washed away and the dress is off and your body is still yours. I've often believed the first step in being successful with weight loss is learning to  love yourself enough to make the change. Not hating yourself which causes depression which causes the cycle of emotional eating to continue... It seems counter-productive to love yourself but want to change yourself... So I guess the key is?
I really didn't intend for this to be a post about my body issues. I just wish I had more confidence and belief in myself in this particular area. But, right now I've recommitted for the billionth time to be healthy. But, this time instead of setting huge lofty goals, I am just trying to be ok today. I don't care about tomorrow. But today, I am going to make good choices. I am going to make today count. Because, my health is important.
Anyway, here are some fun shots of the show. It truly was an awesome experience!!

The narrators with the camel (who had a tendency to try and upstage me, but failed!!)

The beginning of the show with the children's chorus.

Watching Potipher's wife seduce Joseph.

A gratuitous shot of Cameron shirtless while we look on in the jail scene.

The Narrators with Joseph in a scandalous moment!

And finally, the four narrators. It truly was a joy to work with these talented ladies. We each brought something special and unique to the table!

A Thick Skin... Whatever

Being a drama teacher has made me realize how much of a thick skin I need to have. I wish everyone could get what they want. I wish everyone could read their name on a list next to the part they've always dreamed they would play. But what would Fiddler on the Roof be with 30 Tevye's??? Not Fiddler. You need the leads, you need the supporting parts, you need the ensemble. EVERYONE is important. Unfortunately, not everyone gets the recognition. I try VERY hard to make every person who does a show with me feel valued, loved and important. I am sick of being scrutinized and second guessed. I've realized in addition to developing a thick skin I need to develop the attitude of 'whatever'. You think I made a mistake? Whatever. You think I play favorites? Whatever.
I hate casting shows. I hate knowing some people will completely disagree with my choices. I hate knowing there will be tons of gossip and second guessing. I HATE IT.
I wish all the parents (yes I said parents first because it seems that they are the ones to perpetuate the gossip more than the kids...) and students could sit in on the casting process and understand how agonizing it is for me. So here it is-
Dear People who care,
Whenever I cast a show the #1 thing I take into consideration is the students. I try to pick shows that will allow as many as possible to shine. Then I take into consideration the community, I know the overall values and feelings. But, EVERY SINGLE SHOW HAS QUESTIONABLE CONTENT!!! It is what you choose to emphasize, but reality is that you need the dark and the light. But I am aware and I try to meet the needs of the community. I am not going to RENT at Hunter High. But, I am here to teach. And there are Nazi's in the Sound of Music, but I will TEACH the kids what that means. And if you don't want your child to be in my production because of that. That is fine. I really don't care. But you can't take the Nazi's out of the Sound of Music and I will NOT change the show.
I know when I cast a show that I am dealing with kids putting themselves out there to be judged. I know it is hard, I know their feelings and ego are on the line. I try to make them feel comfortable and confident. But the fact is, some kids are more talented. When casting a musical I look at the following things as equally important- Musicality, Acting Ability, Physical Appearance, Reliability and Chemistry. Sometimes I have to sacrifice some traits but ideally all should be there. For example: this fall I am doing the Sound of Music, I have an incredibly talented kid who played Finch in "How to Succeed..." However, he looks his age and there is NO way he would be believable as a father to seven children. So, he is not the lead. Now, you may think your kid is the best singer in the universe, but as American Idol has taught us, sometimes parents put delusional ideas into their children's heads. And you may enjoy hearing them sing, but if I don't, they will not be singing a solo in my musical. Because it is MY musical, I make the choices.
Casting is a GIANT puzzle. But, I do it sensitively and prayerfully. I love these kids. I appreciate their hard work and I understand what a sacrifice it is to be in a show.
But, understand this. I have to make hard choices. I am being judged on the quality of my show. Yes, I am going to give every kid who wants to be in my musical an opportunity. But, I want to produce the best possible show that I can. I do not do anything half-hearted. So, stop judging me, stop gossiping about me and stop second guessing the moves that I make. Teach your kids it's ok to not be the center of attention and the idea that the group is often more important than the individual.
Thank You
-Ms. Parkes
P.S. I cast my nieces in the Sound of Music because I know they can do it. They are both insanely talented. I can discipline them easily and I know they will do what I need them to do. Are there other kids in the community who would be a better choice? Probably. But I DON'T CARE! Putting together a musical is hard enough, I don't want kids and parents running around that I don't know making my life more difficult. So I cast my nieces. Will they be awesome? Yes. Is it nepotism? Perhaps. DO I CARE? No!
...Whatever!
It's MY show, MY job, MY program and long after the kids leave. I will still be there...
Whatever...

I'm Sorry- But I'm Not That Strong

Today was graduation. I always get a little emotional seeing my students achieve this milestone in their lives. And then the din from the loud parents cheering, the air horns and the fluorescent lights give me a headache and I am soon over an emotional attachment I may have felt. I will miss them, but there will always be more. I am interested to see where life takes them.

I have been busy with rehearsals for "Joseph..." I play one of the Narrators (yes I said one of them, there is four- which I feel is a bit excessive- but hey, not my production.) It's been frustrating, fun and time consuming. I'm glad school is finally out so I will be able to get adequate sleep!

My Senior performed a play called, "Save the Drama for Your Mama" at the beginning of May.

 It was a compilation of student written monologues and scenes about their experiences that led them to being a senior in high school. It was very moving. I received the following email from one my Students' Mom-
I just wanted to thank you for the program the other night. I was so wowed. It made me look at all of them in a new way. Some of them I've known since they were little and some of them I meet as Todd became involved with them at high school. I love a good play, but it was fun to see them push the edges of their space and think about what they've done and learned through the whole experience. I laughed and I cried and was touched by some of the tender emotions that were expressed.
Please pass on my congratulations and excitement for a job well done. They've turned into some pretty neat adults.
It goes without saying that you have been a wonderful catalyst for all of them. Thanks for being such a good role model and taking them further than they would have gone alone. We think you're awesome!
Julie...the grateful mama

I've also been trying to cast my musical for next year. A week ago I had dance auditions for Once Upon a Mattress, then realized it wouldn't be the right fit for my students. Changed the show to Cinderella, held call-backs and cast the show. Called the publishing house this morning to change the title and discovered CINDERELLA is RESTRICTED because of the upcoming Broadway run. So, changed the show to Sound of Music, held Maria and Capt. von Trapp call backs and cast the show. HOPEFULLY no more changes will be needed! I was incredibly bummed when I found out I couldn't so Cinderella. And it took me about a day to get over it. It was hard. But after I cast the kids (including my two adorable nieces)- I began to feel so much better about the show. And now I am finally excited! I have a really cool concept for The Lonely Goatherd song... I am also SO grateful for my production staff, they are truly a joy to work with.

Memorial Day is always a little hard for me. I always go and visit my Dad. Usually by myself...

 It was a gorgeous day and as I walked toward his grave, I was overcome with emotion. Normally I am pretty composed, I usually stay and chat with him a bit. But this time, I just couldn't stop crying. It has been 9 years since he passed away and I still have a little hole in my heart. I still have questions, I still have unresolved emotions. I still wish I had a Dad. I think we would be friends. I wish he had made different choices...

So, I've been feeling a lot of stress lately. And wishing I had someone to buoy me up. I was listening to my ipod the other day and the song, Anything But Lonely played-
Anything but lonely,
Anything but empty rooms.
There's so much in life to share -
What's the sense when no one else is there?

Anything but lonely,
Anything but only me.
Quiet years in too much space -
That's the thing that's hard to face and
You have a right to go
But you should also know
That I won't be alone for long.

Long days with nothing said
Are not what lie ahead -
I'm sorry, but I'm not that strong.

Anything but lonely,
Anything but passing time.
Lonely's what I'll never be,
While there's still some life in me and
I'm still young, don't forget
It isn't over yet -
So many hearts for me to thrill.
If you're not here to say
How good I look each day,
I'll have to find someone who will.

Anything but lonely,
Anything but empty rooms.
There's so much in life to share -
What's the sense when no one else is there?
What's the sense when no one else is there?

I just kept thinking about the lyric, "I'm sorry but I'm not that strong." Well, I guess I am, but I wish I wasn't sometimes. But the summer is here, so I'll have a break, then the Sound of Music in the fall...
And life goes on...I'm sorry but I'm not that strong...

But, life is good. Just lonely and crazy and fulfilling and stressful and beautiful and fleeting.

Two months later

Trying to figure things out.
So, I met this guy recently, well I was actually set up with him. An acquaintance from high school out of the blue contacted me and asked me if she could give him my number because she thought we would be a good match. Well after a few months of missing each other, we finally went out. It was an interesting date. He was easy to talk to, but I didn't really feel strongly one way or another. When he dropped me off, he gave me a rather awkward hug and I was sure he wouldn't contact me again.
I was wrong, we have now been on four dates. I think I may like him. Ok, so I can't tell if he likes me. On our 2nd date we had a random conversation about personal space. Well apparently he has personal space issues (which explains the slightly awkward hug from the first date). He has hugged me after each date, but honestly, his hugs are pretty... well not fulfilling.
I fall in love easily.
I hate unrequited love.
So, I kinda like him.
He is 35 years old and has never been married. I'm not sure why. He is smart, charming, good looking, slightly awkward, opinionated, sweet and an exceptionally good man. (He makes sure to send birthday cards to all of his nieces and nephews, I think he has 18, which I found to be very endearing).
I'm afraid I've been too open with him. I've already told him the reader's digest version of Dad. ... too much too soon? (Sometimes I wonder if my being open about things really is a good choice...)
He's not touchy at all. You can usually tell if someone likes you because they find small opportunities to touch you. He doesn't. Is it the personal space issue? Why does he keep asking me out? Does he like me? Or is he merely wanting someone to do things with? But, why me?
I hate this... figuring it out. I am sure it is premature and he probably doesn't even know himself. However, I don't want to like him by myself. I don't want to get prematurely attached.
But, I kinda like him.
And I am going through a phase where I really don't want to be single anymore. Most of the time, I am perfectly fine with being single. I've been living by myself for almost 2 months and I don't like being alone so much. Although I am not sad about single, it's more that I want my situation to change.
I want someone to share my life with. Someone to be there...
He is so different from all the men I've ever liked. I can't figure him out. He is so hard to read.
I like him. I hope my heart can take this.
I am just used to unrequited love, unrealistic hope, and having a broken heart.
And I want something new.
And I kinda like him.
I hope he likes me.

I wrote this post almost 2 months ago, I never published it because at the time it seemed too private. But, my how things have changed.
So shortly after I wrote this, he stopped contacting me. And to be honest at first I was perplexed, but I was never really sad. Just hopeless. It was nice to have hope for a moment. Hope that something would finally work for me. I think he stopped contacting me because I was too open. At first (and as is evidenced by earlier in this post) I felt like maybe I made a mistake. But, I realized- being open is who I am, I don't like keeping things inside, I don't like secrets. So, if he didn't like me- that's ok, I am probably not the right girl for him and he is probably not the right guy for me.

It was just nice to have a little hope...

We are the champions!

So far, this month has been pretty epic.
For Spring Break, I organized a trip for 70 students and 10 chaperones to go to DISNEYLAND!! I'd been working on the trip since the musical closed last November (on top of everything else that I do.) One day, when I was working on the trip- a student asked me if all my hard work would be worth it. I told him if the kids gave me no problems, and if they were respectful then, YES, it would all be worth it! And it was! I was so impressed with their behavior. We will definitely be going again next year!
 We left on Tuesday at 7:00 am, I had asked my friend Sarah to come (because she is just so awesome!) And we set out on our 10 hour bus ride to California. On the way, the 'short bus' broke down, so we arrived later than I had anticipated.  But luckily, we didn't have any plans for the first evening.
The next day... DISNEYLAND! Oh how I love the Disney Parks!

 We went on Splash Mountain! I've never gotten more soaked on this ride, it was pretty intense.

That evening we took the kids to Medieval Times. It was crazy! Our section was definitely the loudest! If you haven't experienced Medieval Times with 70 teenagers, then, if I may say you haven't EXPERIENCED Medieval Times!

A few kids bought some light sabers and had spontaneous duels!

And I finally saw "World of Color" and loved it!

 Yep, it was AWESOME! The whole purpose of the trip was to have the kids do performing arts workshops with Disney. I went to a Puppet Lab workshop and it was one of the coolest workshops I have ever been to. (Unfortunately they didn't allow photography) The brought out these puppets from Bear in the Big Blue House and Jojo's circus. It was so neat to see the kids light up when they got to play with characters from their childhood. Heck, I even lit up to. And I learned a lot of puppetry technique. I love these kids, and it was so awesome to share this experience with them.

When we got back, we had a week until State Drama competition. So I went into preparation mode. We had a showcase on Wednesday night, which was very helpful in getting the kids ready for State.
First, our one act performed on Friday afternoon. Now, this one act was frantic. And to be honest, I thought we would do ok, but I wasn't really expecting anything.
But, about 10 minutes into their performance, I sat back and thought to myself, "Wow, this is pretty good." And then it just got better. IT WAS FANTASTIC! And much to my surprise, our One Act placed THIRD overall! What??? It was such a pleasant surprise.
The next day was the individual events. They perform their piece three times in front of three different judges. And then the top 5 or 6 go to a medal round to determine 1st, 2nd and 3rd place.
My philosophy with these competitions is that I don't care how well they do (seeing as art is subjective) All I care about is the fact that they are prepared.
Well, as the result were coming in, most of my students were consistently getting the highest marks. I was so proud and humbled at the same time (if that is somewhat possible).
So, I had two kids go to the medal round- Stephen Short for pantomime and Courtney Burton for humorous monologue.
Stephen received a 4th place and Courtney took FIRST PLACE!!
And when all was said and done- We tied for THIRD place with Pleasant Grove High School. I couldn't believe it, I was flabbergasted! It was amazing! I wasn't expecting to do that well at state. Not that I thought we wouldn't do well, I just wasn't expecting to do THAT well. It was pretty cool!
Anyway, I am now in the midst of the Senior Show (we decided to do one we wrote ourselves) which performs in a week and a half. I hope it all comes together!

Building Character

Tonight was the Region Drama competition/festival. Every year the kids compete in the following categories: Contemporary Scenes, Classical Scenes, Dramatic Monologues, Humorous Monologues, Pantomime and Musical Theatre. Last week the kids competed in the one act (which I blogged about in my previous post). With the exception of musical theatre, the kids perform their piece in three different rounds in front of three different judges. (Musical Theatre the kids perform once in front of three judges).
I also hosted this year which meant I had to organize EVERYTHING! But, it was ok, just a lot of work. But, I was so grateful for my student volunteers. I had about 25 kids act as hosts, they dressed professionally and were so great! I wouldn't have been able to do it without them.
There is so much blood sweat and tears put into these events. And I want all the kids to do well and go to state.
But, inevitably some will not do as well and it always breaks my heart. I had a kid do a humorous monologue this year. He is a pretty shy kids with an interesting vocal delivery (his natural voice is actually a little robotic). Anyway, I thought he would do well with humorous monologue, but he didn't. And he was crushed because he didn't make it to state. I saw him in the hallway with a tear stained face. I asked him if he was ok, and he just said things like this are hard for a guy like him. I told him he is awesome and I appreciate so much the hard work he had put in. And my heart broke a little for him. Then most of the kids who don't make it state really take it in stride. I really try to prepare the kids for whatever happens, I wish they all could win. But, then what would that teach?
Building character. You win some, you lose some. I think it is so important to learn the lesson about losing. The important thing is to keep moving forward. In contrast I had another kid qualify for state, but not get straight superior ratings... and he was beyond mad. Seriously? I know it's hard but get over it! Sometimes I don't have sympathy for that. I know it's hard, but it's life.
And then the kids... the kids. I had 32 kids compete in region, 25 qualify for state and 18 recieve straight superior ratings! AMAZING!!
It's so interesting to listen as the ballots and critiques come into the tabulation room. I care so much about these kids. It was also especially cool for me this year. Because of how our region is organized, Taylorsville and Granger High School are with us. Well, because of my four years spent at Valley, I knew almost all the kids from those two schools. It was so cool to see them!! Such great memories with those kids!
I had another kid sing "It's Hard to Speak My Heart" from the musical, Parade. I had personally picked the piece for him and worked closely with him on the piece. This kid is amazing. It was so wonderful to read the feedback from the judges. I cried when I read the compliments he received. He is destined for greatness. My favorite one was, "Please pursue your art."...
After the results had been shared with the kids, my students rushed the stage and gave me the most suffocating group hug. As I was driving home, I started to think about how insanely lucky I am to be the person who has the opportunity to build character.
They love me so much. It is so humbling. Seriously, I am so honored to be their teacher. And in awe of the life that I lead.

Just Do Your Best

I used to think that during the fall musical was my busiest time of the year. I was wrong. It's March. Why? Two words- region competition... Each year there are two days devoted to this drama competition, a day of One Acts and then individual events (Contemporary Scene, Classical Scene, Humorous Monologue, Dramatic Monologue, Pantomime and Musical Theatre).
And of course, you want the kids to do their best, because like it or not, how well they do reflects on you. But Art is subjective...
So, in all honesty, all I care about is whether or not the kids are prepared. But, where is the line? How much do I make sure they do and how much do I leave up to personal motivation? And when do I let go of what it becomes and just be ok?
Today was the One Acts and we performed a difficult sketch comedy piece called "The Brothers Grimm Spectaculathon." It's a frantic, chaotic parody of many fairy tales. The actors play multiple characters with multiple characterizations... in other words it may be the most insane thing I have ever put together. Also, with the rules, we have to keep the show under one hour... so that makes it even more frantic.

 Well, it went... ok. The judges had the same comments that I had been telling them for weeks. Diction, pacing, projection, clarity of character... I guess now these comments have more validity. The kids did a good job, it was highly entertaining, but lacked focus. Well, because only 3 out of 6 schools participated in region, by default, we are going to State in a month. If it wasn't for that fact, based on the judging, we wouldn't be going to state.

 I hope we will be ready. It's really difficult to fine tune a piece when the kids are still struggling with memorization. So, hopefully now we can take the opportunity to fine tune and do well at State. It has the potential to be amazing.

But, when will I find the time? In a week are the individual events, which I will be hosting at Hunter. I have to organize 6 schools, hundreds of students and about 25 judges. Not to mention ordering food, making sure the judges get paid and preparing my kids to be successful. I've been focusing so much on the one act that I haven't given enough time to the kids. And I am afraid they will bomb... So, my next few days will focus on making sure the kids are at least somewhat prepared.
But, truth be told, I am feeling a little burnt out. THE DRAMA NEVER ENDS! I love it, I do, but last week I was struck with and insane cold that stopped me dead in my tracks, and I am still struggling to bounce back. Since August, I haven't stopped. August-November- The Musical- I had a week respite, and then auditioned for the play which closed at the beginning of February, when I started working on the One Act. In addition, right now we have a student production, "Dial M for Murder" currently in rehearsals (and opens in 3 weeks... and I am scared). I am planning a performing arts tour to Disneyland for the first week of April for over 80 people. Then we have State Drama, and will be in rehearsals for the Senior Show, "Done to Death" which performs in May- then I will have one week until the Awards night and then... whew the end of school. Oh, and did I mention I have to teach? I'm trying (sometimes in vain) to have a social life and be healthy.
But, the kids... the kids. I love them. I just wish they would not be half-hearted sometimes. SERIOUSLY, BE MEMORIZED!! I hope they do ok with their individual events, and then I can work to fine tune them for state.
For the musical, I entered us into the Utah Musical Theatre Awards which is part of a National Musical Theatre Awards. The best actor and actress receive an all expenses paid trip to New York, where they have the opportunity to work with Broadway professionals. Well, with that being the top prize, how could I miss the opportunity to throw my hat in the ring?
Well, we were nominated for five awards! Best Actor (Josh Gandy), Best Supporting Actor (Adam Hutchinson), Best Ensemble, Best Set Design and Best Costume Design. (Although I am SOOOOO glad we didn't get a best musical nomination, because that means I won't be doing a production number at the awards on March 31st, and for that I am grateful!)
It is A LOT for one person to do. And sometimes I question my sanity. (I auditioned yesterday for Murray City's production of "Joseph" when the majority of rehearsals will be during the end of the year, although the performances will be in June.)
I hope it all goes well. Sometimes it's hard to emotionally separate myself when my kids don't do as well as I'd like. I never show them my true feelings, I just say art is subjective, and the most important thing is to prepare. But deep down, I want to be the best, I want to be known for my amazing program, I want my kids to thrive and be examples, I want to be at the top. But what am I willing to sacrifice? I try to leave the school at a decent hour and I try to keep my life balanced. So, I have to let go of expectations at times.
I just want them to do their best.
And I want a vacation.