Secrets...

I was reading this book recently (one of those chick lit type things). And in the book, the heroine because she thinks she may die on a plane, rattles off all of her "secrets" to a total stranger in some weird catharsis... oh yes and of course they meet up later and he loves those things about her, and I'm sure you can figure out the ending.
Anyway, I started thinking about what my "secrets" would be- so in no particular order here are some- (I must admit, they aren't very scandalous, but it's me.)

• When I was a kid, I wanted to be the President of the United States because I felt that children were seriously under represented in government... I was nine.
• I used to practice my Tony/Oscar/Emmy/Grammy award acceptance speech in the mirror after watching the award shows.
• I don't floss very often.
• I don't audition for many shows because I feel like I wouldn't be cast because of my size (although I blame it on "lack of time", though that is partially true)
• I have been overweight since the 2nd grade.
• I think I am secretly scared of being thin. I am scared about how it would change me. I am scared of what it would do to my life.
• Out of all the guys I have ever been interested in/dated, 9 are now gay.
• I am inexplicably attracted to gay men.
• I don't like people to see me cry.
• I feel most at home on stage as a director. It gives me such a rush to have a vision come to life.
• I want to sing and get paid for it.
• I never feel more intimidated then when I am surrounded by other theatre teachers. I feel like I am putting on a facade and I have no idea what I am doing.
• I cry a lot at sentimental things. And it just keeps getting worse as I get older.
• I wonder if I will ever be loved.
• I love reading gossip magazines.
• Sometimes I want to just wear fancy gowns... all the time.
• Sometimes I have a hard time going to church because I feel like I failed in the Mormon culture by still being 32 and single. But, I still go and I am usually grateful- but sometimes I just want to go home and watch reality TV.
• Nothing makes me happier than singing. I need to sing more.
• I have never been kissed (except for in shows and one weird bus high school experience where I kissed a sleeping male classmate on choir tour... it was the NyQuil, I swear!) But I have never had anyone want to kiss me. Or at least try to kiss me.
• I wonder if I would be a good kisser.
• I like to dance around the apartment when no one is home. If anyone saw me, it would be very embarrassing!
• Sometimes I feel like I have everyone around me fooled with my happiness and confidence.
• I am usually happy, but it's getting harder to maintain that happiness.
• Every time I see a musical, it takes everything in me to not either sing along or jump up on stage.
• More than anything I want to be a Mom.
• I stole a fabric sew on patch when I was six and my Mom made me take it back to the store. I was mortified and I have never stolen anything again.
• Whenever I see fancy alcoholic cocktails, I want one.
• I hate shaving my legs.
• I am confident in many aspects of my life, but nothing terrifies me more than dating. It's like formal judging... I hate it.

Staying up Late.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a stickler about when I go to bed. I've been known to drive my own car to functions, just so I can leave when I want to get to bed and not have to rely on someone else. I've been known to just leave family gatherings in the middle of what's going on if the hour is too late. In college, if the roommates were being too loud after everyone should've been in bed I would just go out into the room they were in and glare and glare while wearing my Mickey Mouse thermal pajamas and my crotcheted booties... (I can't imagine the visual THAT must've been!) During the day I am a rather pleasant person, but when I want to sleep- I Want to SLEEP!
So nights like this are weird. It is 12:58 am and although I am tired, I have no desire to go to bed. Hmmmm...
Well, anyway, here is video that a student did for my Media Productions class. The assignment was a music video and this one was rather amusing, enjoy! (It's better if you watch it when you've stayed up too late!)

Coming Home

Last night I returned from a 10 day trip to Orlando. As I was flying over the Salt Lake Valley, I thought of the many times I had come home. With the exception of my mission and college- the Salt Lake Valley has always been home. I love looking out the airplane window and seeing familiar sights, it's such a comfort. Especially the day I came home from my mission... 10 years ago...
What is home? I've been a bit out of sorts lately. Not anything to be too alarmed about- I just feel like life has sucker punched me in the face multiple times. The times in life when everything is hard- when you question everything- when you feel like you don't know what the heck you are doing!

The trip to Orlando was good for me. Besides seeing Ben, Luana and Elliott (yes he is the CUTEST!!) it was a good time to just breathe. To just reflect. To heal.
Over the past year because of laziness and trials, I have gained 30 lbs. Not fun! But, I have a new found determination to lose the weight (mostly because my clothes don't fit right)

Oh and I am also thinking of getting this haircut when I have lost 50 lbs- What do you think? I think it will look a lot better on someone with a slimmer frame- so hence the goal!

Also, I miss my Valley kids. I miss my co-workers. I miss feeling like I don't have to win any affection or respect, I miss the unconditional love. I miss them thinking that I was the ultimate example of cool.
Did I make the right choice? Or was I just pressured into it? I don't know...
The high school kids are great, there have just been some growing pains lately that have caused me to rethink my decision to change schools. The kids act sometimes like I have to prove to them that I am worthy to teach them. It is exhausting. Oh well, too late, gotta move on.

Tomorrow is my 32nd birthday. WHAT THE WHAAAAT!!!

Watch this Video, it is SO FUNNY!

Merry Christmas!

I love the Muppets!

Me?

Who am I?
I am a compilation of many experiences, heartaches, moments, disappointments, unmet expectations, successes, dreams, realities, love.
I am a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a teacher, a leader, a director, a dreamer.
I am just a girl.
And sometimes I feel like I am drifting, just holding on to something until the storms pass. But they keep on raging. And I keep holding on.

I need a change. I need something new. I need to be me.

But what does that mean?

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star...

A lot has happened in the past week and a half and frankly, I haven't had time to blog about any of it. Almost two weeks ago I was beginning my final dress rehearsal for my production when two of my leads informed me they would be missing the final dress to attend the Lifehouse concert. I WAS LIVID! And seriously considered dropping them from the show, instead I opted for some severe consequences but felt like it wasn't right to just replace them. And I am so glad I didn't because of what happened the rest of the week. On Wednesday morning, my Sister went into labor (even though she wasn't due until mid-January) and my sweet little nephew Ian was born. But he immediately had complications and was taken to another hospital to their Newborn/Infant Intensive Care. I was so glad I hadn't replaced the two girls because it gave me time to take care of things with my family.
With my sister and nephew still in the hospital, I opened my show. I was very please with the job that the kids did. And I felt like it was a good debut for my first foray into directing high school. On closing night the kids gave me a very heartfelt tribute. But, for days I felt like I was just in survival mode as Ian's condition was worse.
For his story, please visit my sister's website for her son- http://www.ianjamesmurphy.com/ians-story.html
My sister had to make one of the hardest decisions, she let her son go. You see, he had so much bleeding in his brain that if he survived he would live his life a vegetable. I wrote her the following to express my feelings-
I have struggled to find the right words to tell you what your little guy means to me. I can't talk to you about it in person because I would turn into a puddle of blubbering.
I am so grateful that I got to meet little Ian. His spirit was palpable when I visited him at the hospital and when we all gathered to say goodbye. I have always admired you as a mother, your strength, your capacity to love and your spirit. I think Ian was sent to your family to give you a taste of eternity when you can be with him. I know that is of little comfort now when your heart is broken. But know how much I wish he was still here with us. I will miss playing with my little nephew, taking him on outings, hearing his laugh. And know although it was hard, I believe you made the right choice for your son. Because his life would've never reached its potential- and you did the most unselfish thing I can imagine, you gave your son back to Heavenly Father. I am sorry if it seems like I am in moving on mode, I just don't know how to deal with the heartbreak. His life means everything to me. And he will never be forgotten. I love you so much and I am so grateful you are my sister.

Love Always,
Kjersti

Life is but a moment in the eternal scheme of things.

My 1st visit to Ian in the hospital, I love his little lips!

Mickey taking care of Ian

Mickey and Ian

His precious face

The girls saying goodbye to their brother before he passed.

I will never forget his sweet face.

Ben with his cute son, Elliott

Yep, this little guy is my nephew!

I took time out to have a sleep-over with the girls and we made Mickey Mouse pancakes!

Jeff & Ivy at the funeral for Ian

The boquet we bought for Ian

Ian before he was laid to rest. As Maddie would say,
"Ian is so so so cute!"



My gorgeous niece, Ivy



Twinkle Twinkle Little Star-

Do you know how loved you are?

BYE BYE BIRDIE!!

Please come and see this show!! It's going to be GREAT!

Bye Bye Birdie!

Here is a promo we put together for the musical to show on the school announcements!
Come see the show!! It's gonna be goofy!

To my friend

This morning as I was thinking about recent events I got a notification for a new album from one of my favorite composers, Scott Alan. I listened to some samples of the songs, and one song stood out from the rest and perfectly applied to how I was feeling- It is called "I Remember"- And I would like to share it with you. It has helped me to heal a little bit from all that has happened.

Sometimes love fades away

And all you have are memories

Yes all that's left are memories...

But I will remember you-

As the sweetest chord to play

As a colorful refrain

Yes I will remember you-

As the sun upon my face

As the beautiful embrace

I remember you.

Sometimes love lets you know

That it is time to just let go-

Yes, it was time to just let go.

But I will remember you

As the perfect autumn night

As the muse that helped me write

Yes I will remember you-

As the song inside my heart

As my favorite piece of art

I remember you.

Sometimes the journey ends-

You wake to find you've lost

a friend...

But what you've gained are memories

Just promise that-

You will remember me.



So, dear blog reader- thank you for letting me sappy for a moment. And to my friend- if you ever read this- please know that you meant the world to me.