Anyway, I started thinking about what my "secrets" would be- so in no particular order here are some- (I must admit, they aren't very scandalous, but it's me.)
- When I was a kid, I wanted to be the President of the United States because I felt that children were seriously under represented in government... I was nine.
- I used to practice my Tony/Oscar/Emmy/Grammy award acceptance speech in the mirror after watching the award shows.
- I don't floss very often.
- I don't audition for many shows because I feel like I wouldn't be cast because of my size (although I blame it on "lack of time", though that is partially true)
- I have been overweight since the 2nd grade.
- I think I am secretly scared of being thin. I am scared about how it would change me. I am scared of what it would do to my life.
- Out of all the guys I have ever been interested in/dated, 9 are now gay.
- I am inexplicably attracted to gay men.
- I don't like people to see me cry.
- I feel most at home on stage as a director. It gives me such a rush to have a vision come to life.
- I want to sing and get paid for it.
- I never feel more intimidated then when I am surrounded by other theatre teachers. I feel like I am putting on a facade and I have no idea what I am doing.
- I cry a lot at sentimental things. And it just keeps getting worse as I get older.
- I wonder if I will ever be loved.
- I love reading gossip magazines.
- Sometimes I want to just wear fancy gowns... all the time.
- Sometimes I have a hard time going to church because I feel like I failed in the Mormon culture by still being 32 and single. But, I still go and I am usually grateful- but sometimes I just want to go home and watch reality TV.
- Nothing makes me happier than singing. I need to sing more.
- I have never been kissed (except for in shows and one weird bus high school experience where I kissed a sleeping male classmate on choir tour... it was the NyQuil, I swear!) But I have never had anyone want to kiss me. Or at least try to kiss me.
- I wonder if I would be a good kisser.
- I like to dance around the apartment when no one is home. If anyone saw me, it would be very embarrassing!
- Sometimes I feel like I have everyone around me fooled with my happiness and confidence.
- I am usually happy, but it's getting harder to maintain that happiness.
- Every time I see a musical, it takes everything in me to not either sing along or jump up on stage.
- More than anything I want to be a Mom.
- I stole a fabric sew on patch when I was six and my Mom made me take it back to the store. I was mortified and I have never stolen anything again.
- Whenever I see fancy alcoholic cocktails, I want one.
- I hate shaving my legs.
- I am confident in many aspects of my life, but nothing terrifies me more than dating. It's like formal judging... I hate it.
6 comments:
I had to comment. I hope it's okay...First, let me say that I really enjoy reading your blog because there's no pretense -- and it's refreshing. You are honest about who you are and what you want and I wish I was more like that...
Second, my first kiss happened the night I got engaged to my husband. Up to that point, I was the only person I knew who hadn't been kissed. It was worth the wait. I'll never know if I'm a good kisser, either, because I've only kissed one person. But I honestly don't think that matters. And I think it's AWESOME that you haven't been kissed! You've probably heard that a few times, too -- and so did I. :) It intrigued my husband when I told him. He was pretty happy to be the first guy to kiss me. :) So hang onto that!!!
Thanks for sharing, Kjersti. I can relate to a lot of those. Especially the one about being around other drama teachers. Although, in my case it's bass players. My fear is that one will join the orchestra and find out that I'm a complete fraud. So far that hasn't happened, so maybe I do know what I'm doing. :)
hmmm. This blog has me thinking. Lately I look around at all the people who are married or in happy relationships, and nothing makes sense to me. They aren't all thin. They aren't all beautiful. Most are just normal people like you and I. And yet, they get to have that life and we don't. Sometimes this makes me sad, other times it makes me really angry. I finally came to the realization that my lack of love is a result of God's interest in my life. (I know that seems strange and contradictory..) But the fact is--who I marry, who I end up with actually does make a difference to God. For some reason, despite the fact that this is not the life I chose for myself--God needs me to follow a certain path. And the more this idea resonates with me, the better I feel about things. It isn't that I'm not thin enough or pretty enough, or sane enough--it's that it really truly does matter to God who I end up with. You and I have this ability to make it work with anyone because we get along well, we're self sacrificing, and we know how to compromise. But this doesn't mean that we should make it work with just any guy.
Embrace your unique path. You must realize how incredibly special and important you are. As much as you'd like to live the normal life, you have been selected to live an extraordinary life. Because you are extraordinary.
So, I kind of love your literal confessions of a drama teacher.
Re: Your Emmy acceptance speech: Confession: I (still) practice being interviewed by Conan and David Letterman. I'm perfecting that special combination of charming modesty and spunky sass.
I'm in awe of your honestly and candor, Kjerst.
first and foremost, I love your honesty. somewhere along the way we all start lying to ourseves because we are afraid. you really are amazing and never forget that. Also, you get paid to sing everyday...at school. come hang out with my kids for a day and you will run back to your awesome quiet life... :) and as your other readers commented, god has a plan for all of us and you have certainly not failed.
Is there something weird about practicing your Award Show speech? Everyone does that, right? RIGHT?!?!?
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