This evening I have been reading my journal from my college years and although much has changed much remains the same.
Overall, I've always been a hopeful person.
I used to talk a lot to my future children in my journal. I guess it was because I figured they would be the ones who would eventually read my words.
Tonight that just made me sad.
What is left when hope fades? A broken heart?
I call myself a optimistic realist. Tonight, I just feel like a realist.
Oh and love, the ever elusive dream.
My journal pages are filled with stories of unrequited love. How, just for once it would be wonderful to have someone love me in return.
It still would be.
I'm beginning to wonder if my life truly will be a solitary one.
And that makes me sad.
But I see no change.
Sorry for the sad post. But, I'm just feeling sad tonight. And that's ok. It's fine.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Giving up a Dream?
So it's currently 1:30 am and I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind.
1- Dating/Marriage in the Mormon culture- Recently I've been called to serve in the Young Women's organization in the LDS church specifically working with the gals 16-18. As a never married girl in a family ward, I am a bit of an anomaly. I have strong opinions on how Mormon culture grooms girls to feel like their worth is tied into their marital status (evidenced by my journal from my early twenties where I lamented being such an old maid... Ha!) I am seeking to change that opinion and molding in my own little corner, and it is hard. The lessons (so far) have not been marriage centric, but it seems like random conversations with the girls often are. And rarely about being married, just more the excitement of the wedding day itself. Sigh. It's an uphill battle. I don't like it when that subject dominates the conversation, I am reminded yet once again how I seemingly "failed".
2- Temple Marriage- the older I get, the harder it is to find single men who share my standards and beliefs. I've been wondering a little bit lately about this and wondering if I should expand my pool a little bit. I've always believed nothing is more important than a Temple marriage and whenever I envision that day, I see it taking place at the Salt Lake Temple. A dream I've had since I was a little girl and every time I look at that particular Temple I think to myself, that's where I'm going to get married someday... I have a good male friend right now (he is just a friend) and becoming friends with him has given me some pause. He is an incredibly good man and I hold him in the highest esteem. He is, however, not a practicing Mormon and has been quite candid when I've asked him why. I respect his reasons, because they are his experiences. In spite of the fact that he has not kept his covenants, he is truly one of the best men I've ever met. And it's made me think, could I marry someone who couldn't take me to the Temple? What is really the most important thing? Could I really give up my lifelong dream of a Temple marriage if I found a wonderful man who met my needs in every other way? I just don't know anymore.
In short- I don't know. I have strong beliefs and convictions about the LDS faith, but have been unsuccessful in my attempts to find a mate. All I've ever wanted is illustrated in the song, Love is Spoken Here- I see my Mother kneeling with our family each day, I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears and I am thankful love is spoken here. Mine is a home where every hour is blessed by the strength of Priesthood Power, with Father and Mother leading the way- teaching me how to trust and obey and the things they teach are crystal clear for love is spoken here. I can often feel my Savior near- when love is spoken here.
That song illustrates the deepest desire of my heart. But my heart has changed over the years based in my experiences and disappointments. God wants us, as his children, to be happy. What if happiness is found outside the Temple covenant?
When it comes right down to it- I just want my own family, and thus far I have been increasingly unsuccessful... Sigh. I just don't know.
1- Dating/Marriage in the Mormon culture- Recently I've been called to serve in the Young Women's organization in the LDS church specifically working with the gals 16-18. As a never married girl in a family ward, I am a bit of an anomaly. I have strong opinions on how Mormon culture grooms girls to feel like their worth is tied into their marital status (evidenced by my journal from my early twenties where I lamented being such an old maid... Ha!) I am seeking to change that opinion and molding in my own little corner, and it is hard. The lessons (so far) have not been marriage centric, but it seems like random conversations with the girls often are. And rarely about being married, just more the excitement of the wedding day itself. Sigh. It's an uphill battle. I don't like it when that subject dominates the conversation, I am reminded yet once again how I seemingly "failed".
2- Temple Marriage- the older I get, the harder it is to find single men who share my standards and beliefs. I've been wondering a little bit lately about this and wondering if I should expand my pool a little bit. I've always believed nothing is more important than a Temple marriage and whenever I envision that day, I see it taking place at the Salt Lake Temple. A dream I've had since I was a little girl and every time I look at that particular Temple I think to myself, that's where I'm going to get married someday... I have a good male friend right now (he is just a friend) and becoming friends with him has given me some pause. He is an incredibly good man and I hold him in the highest esteem. He is, however, not a practicing Mormon and has been quite candid when I've asked him why. I respect his reasons, because they are his experiences. In spite of the fact that he has not kept his covenants, he is truly one of the best men I've ever met. And it's made me think, could I marry someone who couldn't take me to the Temple? What is really the most important thing? Could I really give up my lifelong dream of a Temple marriage if I found a wonderful man who met my needs in every other way? I just don't know anymore.
In short- I don't know. I have strong beliefs and convictions about the LDS faith, but have been unsuccessful in my attempts to find a mate. All I've ever wanted is illustrated in the song, Love is Spoken Here- I see my Mother kneeling with our family each day, I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears and I am thankful love is spoken here. Mine is a home where every hour is blessed by the strength of Priesthood Power, with Father and Mother leading the way- teaching me how to trust and obey and the things they teach are crystal clear for love is spoken here. I can often feel my Savior near- when love is spoken here.
That song illustrates the deepest desire of my heart. But my heart has changed over the years based in my experiences and disappointments. God wants us, as his children, to be happy. What if happiness is found outside the Temple covenant?
When it comes right down to it- I just want my own family, and thus far I have been increasingly unsuccessful... Sigh. I just don't know.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
A Parallel
One of things I hope to teach my students is how to emotionally authentic onstage. I am a firm believer in order to tell the story you have to genuinely feel the emotions in order for it not to feel false to the audience. So I strive to create a safe environment where kids can be vulnerable and open.
Sometimes I ask them to do hard things. Sometimes I ask them to dig deep and open their hearts and emotions. Sometimes I use different tactics to help it be authentic.
Right now I am working on our competition one act piece- it's called Spoon River Anthology and it contains a lot of monologues that illustrate the human experience in all of its aspects. One girl is telling the story of a young girl who was raped by a teenage boy and the entire town turns against her. It is completely tragic and a very difficult piece to do. Well, the sweet young actress was having a difficult time feeling and making it authentic. And so I made it hard for her. I got in her face to make her feel small and vulnerable, I yelled at her- have you ever felt small? Have you ever felt powerless? Have you ever felt like no one was there? The entire class was speechless, fixated on me. Well, she allowed herself to feel and then she did the monologue. It was so raw- I sat there as she told the story and my heart ached for her. All I wanted to do was embrace her and tell her it would be ok, but I had to wait for her to finish. I had created this hard and cold environment so she could understand and it wasn't until she was finished that. I could go to her.
Once she finished the monologue, I rushed over to her and gave her a big hug. I told her she was amazing and that I was proud of her for being so vulnerable. And then I helped her step out of the emotion- but I taught her that she would need to be that open again with the piece.
As I thought about the experience- which had been hard on both of us- I drew an interesting parallel.
Life is so hard at times, we go through tremendous heartache, sorrow and disappointment. And sometimes, it feels like God has left us alone. But as I sat there and watched my student sob through her monologue- I knew I couldn't run to her, I knew she had to go through it without me. But, I was there, watching, feeling with her and making sure it would all be ok.
I think that's how God is with us sometimes. He can't take away the pain because we have to grow. But He is there with us, watching and guiding. And once we are done, he will run to us, embrace us and let us know we are amazing and it was all a part of our growth.
Sometimes I ask them to do hard things. Sometimes I ask them to dig deep and open their hearts and emotions. Sometimes I use different tactics to help it be authentic.
Right now I am working on our competition one act piece- it's called Spoon River Anthology and it contains a lot of monologues that illustrate the human experience in all of its aspects. One girl is telling the story of a young girl who was raped by a teenage boy and the entire town turns against her. It is completely tragic and a very difficult piece to do. Well, the sweet young actress was having a difficult time feeling and making it authentic. And so I made it hard for her. I got in her face to make her feel small and vulnerable, I yelled at her- have you ever felt small? Have you ever felt powerless? Have you ever felt like no one was there? The entire class was speechless, fixated on me. Well, she allowed herself to feel and then she did the monologue. It was so raw- I sat there as she told the story and my heart ached for her. All I wanted to do was embrace her and tell her it would be ok, but I had to wait for her to finish. I had created this hard and cold environment so she could understand and it wasn't until she was finished that. I could go to her.
Once she finished the monologue, I rushed over to her and gave her a big hug. I told her she was amazing and that I was proud of her for being so vulnerable. And then I helped her step out of the emotion- but I taught her that she would need to be that open again with the piece.
As I thought about the experience- which had been hard on both of us- I drew an interesting parallel.
Life is so hard at times, we go through tremendous heartache, sorrow and disappointment. And sometimes, it feels like God has left us alone. But as I sat there and watched my student sob through her monologue- I knew I couldn't run to her, I knew she had to go through it without me. But, I was there, watching, feeling with her and making sure it would all be ok.
I think that's how God is with us sometimes. He can't take away the pain because we have to grow. But He is there with us, watching and guiding. And once we are done, he will run to us, embrace us and let us know we are amazing and it was all a part of our growth.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Let's Go Fly a Kite-
Her father is an imperfect man with many demons. But she adores him, she loves him, and she cherishes every moment with him. In the end, he greatly disappoints her and she carries the scars with her into her adult years. Still the little girl longing for her father...
One of my favorite moments in the show is when they sing "Let's Go Fly a Kite". The creative team tells Mrs. Travers how Mr. Banks will come back to the family and mend the kite. After a joyous rendition of the song, she plainly states- "He mends it."
Later in the movie there is a scene where Walt Disney (portrayed by Tom Hanks) is explaining why it is important to make Mary Poppins into movie. He talks about forgiveness and how P.L. Travers (portrayed by Emma Thompson) needs to forgive herself. That sadness is all around us, but we choose what we remember. This does not mean neglecting the reality of what happened. But, we decide if the kite is mended. One of the final scenes in the movie is Mrs. Travers watching the movie premiere with tears running down her cheeks as she lets go of the guilt and Mr. Banks mends and flies the kite- something her father was never able to do for her.
When I was a little girl, I adored my father- there was not a more handsome, talented or wonderful man that could possibly exist. He meant the world to me. But, he was imperfect and made some life-altering choices that had lasting consequences. He broke my young heart and it has taken many years to mend it. And there were times I blamed myself, there were times I longed for it all to be different, times I just didn't understand.
He's gone now and has been for over ten years.
And what do I choose to remember? I choose to think about the good, I choose to remember the man I loved. I choose to mend and fly the kite for myself because he will never be able to. So, I have to do it for myself and that has to be enough.
Let's go fly a kite...
It is what it is. 2013- a year in review
Each year that passes brings its highs and its lows. This year has been no exception- however- I think more than any year in recent past, the highs were higher and the lows were lower. The New Year is an interesting time- everyone it seems is looking forward to change and growth. I love it for that. I love the promise of a new tomorrow- that things can and will get better.
January-
The year started out with a brief trip to the frozen tundra of Rexburg to attend Brynne's wedding reception. It was a wonderful weekend with some amazing ladies!
At the end of January- My students performed my favorite play, "Over the River & Through the Woods". They were amazing. In fact, for the 2nd year in a row we won best play for the district performing arts awards. It was spectacularly beautiful!
Also in January one of my closest, dearest and most cherished friends, Sarah got married. I am so grateful she is in my life!
February-
In February my sweet Grandma, Adeline Petty passed away after a long illness. She is missed.
March-
Hunter High Theatre placed first in Region and got this snazzy trophy! I was so proud of the kids and all their hard work. I got super emotional at the awards ceremony. I just love my kids
Now for a brief interlude to talk about these two beautiful girls. They have been my saving grace this year. How can you be sad when you have these two adorable faces excited to see you everyday. My life has truly become better since these two came into my life.
April-
Again, the Performing Arts Group went on our annual trip to Disneyland and it was AWESOME!
May-
It's always a little sad to bid the graduates farewell. Although I am so excited for the upcoming adventures, they are always missed.
In May, Amy graduated from the U the same day that Cameron and Tiffany got married!
June-
In June was the Playmill's 50th anniversary. It was one of the best weekends of my life. Filled with friends, laughter, song and reminiscing- I was on cloud nine.
...shortly thereafter ... everything changed as the man I had given my heart to broke it...
But life marches on. And with a broken heart, I continued to live and attempted to mend.
July-
Stadium of Fire with dear friends and KELLY CLARKSON (I absolutely love her). It was such a fun and exciting and much needed evening!
Plenty of fun time with my precious nieces and nephews!
August-
Right before school started, I went to the One Republic, Sara Barellies concert with Janelle and Sarah. It was such a fantastic concert and I am so glad they invited me along!
September-
At the end of September, I had the opportunity to attend the National Conference for Theatre Teachers in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I felt like such a big girl! And it was so fun to be there with my friend Kara!
I also attended Shakespeare competition for the first time with my students, it was such a blast! I love these wacky kids!!
October -
I performed in "Curtains" alongside my brother Ben. Little did I know, it was precisely what I needed in my life at the time.
The girls in their Halloween costumes, could you just die? :)
November-
West Side Story
This show meant more to me than I can begin to express. Creatively it stretched me so much and it was so amazing to see the growth and maturity in the kids. It is truly the best thing I have ever directed. And I am so proud of it. It was spectacular.
December-
Merry Christmas Y'all!
I hope 2014 brings with it new experiences, new memories and much needed change. I am ready. But more than anything as I look back at 2013, I am overwhelmed at how much love I was shown by the dear people in my life. Even though it was a year filled with heartbreak, as I look over these pictures I am reminded that it really wasn't all that bad and I have learned and grown so much.
It's time to let go and move forward.
My best to you all!
Friday, December 27, 2013
Curtains
As I have a small break before I head back into the madness of my career- I am attempting to catch up on my blog. I still have my 2013 reflective blog, but as I was thinking about what I wanted to include- I realized I never blogged about the show I was in a few months ago, "Curtains".
I was hesitant to try out because I wasn't sure if I would have the time, but I am so glad I did. I learned so much from being in the show- and I am grateful I had the opportunity to perform.
More than anything, however, it introduced or reintroduced some amazing people into my life. A few years ago I was in "Joseph" with this same production company, but as a Narrator, I didn't really get to know a lot of the cast. And this time around in "Curtains" even though I knew most of the people from before, I had the opportunity to grow closer to them. And now I count some of them among my nearest and dearest friends.
Having said all that, there were definitely some frustrations- but in hindsight- the positives have increasingly weighed out the negatives and it was so thrilling to perform. So without further adieu- here are some of my favorite pictures from the show.
I was hesitant to try out because I wasn't sure if I would have the time, but I am so glad I did. I learned so much from being in the show- and I am grateful I had the opportunity to perform.
More than anything, however, it introduced or reintroduced some amazing people into my life. A few years ago I was in "Joseph" with this same production company, but as a Narrator, I didn't really get to know a lot of the cast. And this time around in "Curtains" even though I knew most of the people from before, I had the opportunity to grow closer to them. And now I count some of them among my nearest and dearest friends.
Having said all that, there were definitely some frustrations- but in hindsight- the positives have increasingly weighed out the negatives and it was so thrilling to perform. So without further adieu- here are some of my favorite pictures from the show.
"What Kind of Man"
Emily Stevenson (Georgia), Kjersti Parkes (Carmen) & Glenn Bryson (Oscar)
"The Woman's Dead"
Greg Fairbourn (Belling), Me, & Georgia Fairbanks (Johnny)
The Show Must Go On!
Me & Tiffany Boyle (Bambi)
"I say the show must go on!"
"Show People"
Jeff Davis (Cioffi) & Me
"It's a Business"
The Producers
"Show People Reprise"
Bows
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