Burnt Out

They say too much of a good thing isn't good for people. I agree. One of my favorite things in the world is the theatre, hence my career choice.

But, right now, I am burnt out from theatre. I just returned from a three day conference with my students at Westminster College. I think the kids had a great time, learned some things, a few auditioned for scholarships and were successful.
But, I wanted to be anywhere but there.
Talking shop with other teachers, attending workshops on acting techniques, making sure no kids were left behind. I. was. just. done.
Not to mention the horrendous weather. In Salt Lake City, we have a yucky inversion each winter. We were outside a lot in freezing rain and fog. It just made things more obnoxious.
I just need a break. I need to find balance. I need to find the time.
This has been my school year so far- September - November- "Sound of Music", then I took a weekend and auditioned for my next show "Over the River & Through the Woods" which opens this week. All while this is going on I am working to get students ready for Region and State competition (last year we placed 3rd, so I want to do just as well if not better. I hope to uphold our reputation.) This week are auditions for the first student production and I hope I've done enough to help advertise the show. Also, for region one-acts I've decided to do a show called the "Spirit of Life" which is based on accounts from the holocaust. I'm working with my Theatre 3 class (the juniors) to do the one-act. It's a beautiful and poignant story which is also movement based. When I first decided to do the show, I was excited to do the journey. Now, I have no desire to go on the journey. I am not feeling inspired, and in fact I am quite reluctant to do the work. Also, I have some administrative responsibilities that have to be taken care of.
I go, go, go, go & go. And I am tired.
But, I have to keep going- it's my job. Maybe it's just the weather.
Sigh- I know I need to seek out more social opportunities, but I am torn. I am tired and often have no desire to meet new people, but, at the same time, I know in order to meet new people and possibly date people I have to meet. new. people...
I would just like to have a spouse to support me through all of my madness, listen to me vent... I keep a lot of my thoughts and emotions internally during the day so I don't take it out on the students... so I vent to the dogs... who are great listeners... but not too much for the talking... oh well.
For some reason, turning 34 has been quite hard. It hit me a few weeks ago in church. I am the chorister so I just sit on the stand each Sunday (because I have no one to sit with in the congregation.) Anyway, a woman spoke and stated she has been married for two years and had met her husband in high school. Where she had graduated in 2010...
Not only am I too old to be in the singles ward, I am too old to be a young adult in my own ward. I feel like I am rapidly approaching middle age. I am feeling so much older than I ever have. Which makes sense, but usually it doesn't bug me too much.
Also, I had a frustrating thing happen recently with my finances... so much stress...
So, yeah, I just want to go somewhere warm, with people I love and who make me happy. I want to wear shorts and watch the sunset on the beach.
But, I trudge to the school each day and fake enthusiasm and do theatre...
Just keep swimming... I guess.

Highlights of 2012

So, as I sit here on the last night of 2012 before the New Years Eve festivities- I am in a reflective mood, 2012 was an interesting year. A lot changed- but at the same time- a lot remained the same.

January-

I started out 2012 by turning the ripe old age of 33 and buying my very own place. I also directed a hilarious play, "See How They Run", which was by far the easiest cast and most fun I have had directing.

February-

I moved into my place.

March-

I hosted the Region Drama competition.

April-

I took 100 students to Disneyland! My students also placed 3rd at the State Drama competition and won best play along with 10 other awards at the District Drama awards.

             May-

Welcomed my newest nephew, Oliver.

June-

Starred as one of the Narrators in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" for Murray City.

July-

Spent 2 1/2 weeks in Florida to help Ben & Luana get ready to move and spend some time in one of my favorite places in the world with some of my favorite people.

August-

Went to Disneyland three days after getting home from Florida. 

September-

Started my 7th year as a teacher. (Where does the time go?)

October-

Spent the majority of my time in rehearsals for the Sound of Music.

November-

Directed the amazing musical, "The Sound of Music."

December-

Became a dog owner with my new shih tzus- Cosette and Eponine.

A lot of things I wanted to accomplish- I didn't do. Mostly health related. But, overall, it was a great year- full of growth and introspection.

So, 2013?
What will you hold? I've been thinking about change lately. It's so easy to project feelings onto others and try to fix them and just wish THEY would change. When, in fact, the only person you can change in yourself.

Me in 2013?
Well... I want to be better. Better at taking care of myself, better at taking care of others... just better. So in a year from now I can look back and see how far I've come. And how I'VE changed.

It's time... 

To love another person is to see the face of God.

I have always loved the musical, "Les Miserables". I have every. single. word memorized.

It's been awhile since I've delved into the world of Les Mis- (my Les Mis phase was during my teenage years.) And although I know it by heart- it was moving to explore the story again as an adult.
I saw the movie version tonight with a little trepidation. I was wary of the singing and had very low expectations. I was prepared to critique and rip apart the vocals, but instead I found myself on a journey.
I was particularly struck by Jean Valjean in a way I had never been before. Perhaps it's the addition of a few more years and a few more trials and a few more heart breaks, but his story resonated with me. He truly turned his life to God. Although, I guess on some level I always understood that- tonight I understood it on a new level. He turned his life to God.
I hate to admit it, but my heart has become somewhat cynical and hard. I try to find gratitude in my life, but sometimes I get so caught up in what I long for and don't have that I become almost angry and bitter. I turn away from God instead of turning to God sometimes.
And God's mercy and love abounds in my life.

A few weeks ago, my life took an unexpected turn. I acquired two dogs. I've never had dogs before but I thought it would be a good idea. They are four years old and are sisters. I named them Eponine and Cosette (like any proper Theatre teacher should!) They are adorable. Each time I come home they are overjoyed to see me, they are so sweet with everyone and I love having them.

I also have these precious souls in my life. They enrich my life so much and I love them dearly.

As I sat through Les Mis tonight I also thought about the magnitude of humanity and how everyone is a part of it all. We all have choices, we all influence each other and we all have the power to lift others. One man reaching out to another changed a life, which, in turn, changed others. It is true that change doesn't occur in front of millions. It's in quiet moments when true character is revealed that we become who we truly are.

So, I loved the movie- cried pretty much the entire time. Left feeling grateful for life, grateful for my blessings and most important- grateful for a merciful, loving Heavenly Father who truly loves me, who has a plan for me if I am but trusting and faithful enough to give my life to Him, so He can make me who I can become. And that my friends, it the true test of life.

And so, we carry on- we have heartbreak, joy, pain, sorrow, laughter, disappointment and grief. But, it is so wonderful.

"To love another person is to see the face of God."

The Sound of Music

The following is the director's note I wrote for the program-

"When I was a little girl, one of my earliest memories was watching “The Sound of Music” and singing along with Julie Andrews while dancing around my living room. I think, for most of us, our first introduction to musicals is this timeless tale of family, courage and love. I have always had a special place in my heart for the Von Trapp family- and this particular musical. I love the message of light in the darkness and standing up for your beliefs in the midst of great opposition.

Working on this show has been such a journey for me. But, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the sacrifice, creativity, and support from countless people. First a huge thank you to my fellow performing arts teachers- Dr. Mark Pearce, Kelley Allred and Josh Miller. I am so fortunate to be able to work with such talented and amazing artists! Thank you to Mike Virgin for spending so many hours (right after his knee surgery) building the sets and listening as I tell him- “Oh there’s just one more thing that needs to be built…” Jeremy Tritchler for stepping in and lending a helping hand with the set construction- Ranleigh Johnson for painting the set- Nick Cornish for coming back to help with lights and Tyler Barber for managing stage left. The many students and parents who spent their Saturdays with me making stained glass windows out of cellophane, painting rocks and doing the finishing touches to make the show beautiful.

To the parents- thank you for the costumes, the rehearsal treats, the props and allowing your child to be a part of this amazing journey. Thank you for trusting me to teach your child.

To my family- for their love, support and humor and especially to my sister Annelise Murphy. Without her, the show would not have been ready in time. She graciously lent us her microphones from her company, Poison Ivy Mysteries, and spent hours with the students making sure they know how to make the sound work. I am so grateful that she has sacrificed her time, talent and energy for this show.

And finally- my students. It is for them that I do what I do. I have LOVED going on this journey with them. They are truly incredible people and I am so humbled to be their teacher. So thank you to my yahoos- for their talent, dedication, love, humor, concern, diligence, sacrifice, kindness and fearlessness.

Enjoy the show."

It was an amazing experience, as it usually is. There is something so magical about creating a moment, creating a glimpse into another world and taking an audience on a journey. Giving students a moment to shine, a moment to grow, a moment to sacrifice and a moment to love. It truly is amazing-

And now some pictures- 

Something Good

This. Has. Been. A. Journey.
Theatre is a fascinating animal. We spend months, countless hours and thousands of dollars for four performances. There are sacrifices made, tears shed, neglected sleep, and fires extinguished. I have had many moments this past week where I wanted to be done. And then, I stop and watch what is happening onstage for a moment, and I am reminded.
I am grateful for the beautiful moments last week. I am grateful for good friends who listened to me process the whole situation so I could be my best for the kids.
Final dress is Monday-
Bring it-

Some thoughts for a random Tuesday

2 weeks out from my musical. It really is quite stressful directing a high school musical. And this one has been hard- but there are moments, moments that make it all worth it.
Crying makes me crazy. But, it is a good make-up remover. Sometimes things are so stressful all you can do is cry. It's often cathartic.
One of my dearest friends got engaged this past weekend. I am super happy for him. He is marrying the perfect girl for him. So happy.
Solitude... not my favorite.
So, I did the online dating thing this past month- and the result? A lot of older creepy (I mean 45+) men flirting with me and winking at me. One guy had an interest in me- he was nice, but after about 5 messages back and forth with no connection, spark and painful small talk, I was done. At first I thought it was me, and the fact I hadn't let go of past relationships, but then I realized it was the painful small talk and forced conversation. So I stopped responding, which apparently made him write me more- so I told him I wasn't interested... Another guy wrote me and although I don't think he's right for me, the conversation is easier... so I gave him my e-mail. We'll see. I only paid for the one month- I don't know why, but it is super irritating to pay for people to have the opportunity to ask me out, especially since no one really does.
When my life is so crazy like it is right now, all I want is someone in my corner. I have many people who come in and out of my corner- but I would love to have someone take up residence there permanently.

Sigh...

Blessings and Quiet Reassurances

This weekend is General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, of which I have been a life long member. I will admit, at times, sometimes I struggle with my testimony of the gospel. Life is hard. Sometimes I don't understand why, and I become angry and stubborn, or worse- indifferent.
And yet, my loving Heavenly Father always finds a way to gently guide me. And I am humbled that I matter that much. That He has a specific plan and purpose for me. And this weekend- I have been taught by his servants and been reminded of what Heavenly Father would have me do.
As I have often stated on this blog- I long to have my own family and I am trying to seek opportunities to see this happen in my life. However, this has not happened yet for me. But, what has happened for me is a wonderful career where I have the blessing to interact with many teenagers.
At the Saturday morning session of the conference, President Monson announced that the age at which young people can serve missions has changed to 18 for the boys and 19 for the girls. I immediately thought of my wonderful students, and how this news would cause them to rejoice. I found my eyes filling with tears of gratitude as I thought of those precious individuals. Then, during the Saturday afternoon session- the choir was filled with teens from the Bennion and Taylorsville areas- and I saw some familiar faces who at one time were in my classroom. I again was overwhelmed at the responsibility I have to these young people.

The world we live in is crazy. It is becoming increasingly acceptable to embrace vulgarity and immorality. And yet, these young people rise above it all. And they often look to me as an example; what a responsibility it is.
At times, there are moments that remind me of why I am where I am. It's almost as if Heavenly Father is telling me- I know you want your own family, and I promise that will happen in due time. But, right now- these kids need you. They need you to help them along their path. They need you to love them and serve them. You are where you need to be.
Last week at parent teacher conferences, a mother of one of my students shared something with me. Her daughter, who is incredibly talented, but shy and has struggled fitting in, had found love and acceptance in my classroom. She has some physical limitations and often has low self-esteem. But, I don't see the limitations, all I see is this bright and talented girl who is amazing. She also told me how much this girl looks up to me. I am pretty open with my students and tell them stories about my life and experiences. Her Mom told me that her daughter wants to be like me. Her daughter, because of her limitations, thinks she will never get married. But, she looks at me, and how I live my life, and how I am positive and happy and how I do so many things. And she told her Mom that she realized that she can be happy no matter what, that she wants to be like me. I can think of no higher honor.
Yesterday another student posted on my Facebook wall the following, "Ms. Parkes! I miss you so much! You were the best teacher that I ever had, and have changed my life forever! :)" Another student liked the post and another one wrote ditto.
Having faith in Heavenly Father's plan for me. I was given a gift and an uncanny ability to relate to teenagers. I do not take this responsibility lightly. I've also told my students that if they invite me to their mission farewells, I will come. Keeps my Sundays pretty busy!
I also have students who are not LDS, and I want them also to feel loved, accepted and safe. My goal is to make an environment where everyone is free to be who they are. Where they all know how valued and important they are.
I'm grateful for the quiet reassurance that I am right where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. That Heavenly Father has entrusted me to guide and teach these kids. I love it.