The Fragility of Life

This has been an interesting week for me. I've been pondering a lot about choices we make and what we choose to make of our time here on Earth.

On Monday morning my Mom called me at 6:00 am- I knew it couldn't be good news because she would never call me at that time. She had called to inform me that Sherri Winder had passed away. Let me back up a little.

I have a dear friend named Nate and Sherri is his Mom. I met Nate through my brothers when they were all in High School together and  became friends with Nate (probably because of our mutual love of Andrew Llyod Webber and classical music). As I spent more time with Nate, I also got to know Sherri. I remember going into her home and  feeling welcome and comfortable. She was one of those Moms who took a genuine interest in the friends of her children. I also immediately loved her and appreciated her warmth and smiles.
As both Nate & I grew up, I still continued to have a relationship with Sherri. We would exchange Christmas greetings and when I started teaching at Valley Jr. High (where many Winder cousins were my students) she and Kent (her husband) would come and support me.
I also loved the conversations we would sometimes share. Two years ago, I visited Nate in Germany. When I came home, I visited with Sherri and shared with her stories of my trip and talked about Nate and his adventures. I stayed until 2 am and the time flew by. The last time I saw Sherri was at my production of "Bye Bye Birdie" at Hunter High School. It meant so much to me that she would support me, after all I was just one of Nate's friends.
Needless to say when I heard the news about Sherri, I was devastated. She was such a beautiful and lovely person who went home way too soon. I also immediately thought of my friend Nate and the Winder family and I felt helpless because I wanted to know how I could help, so I prayed.
As the week went on, I thought about the many times I visited with her. I thought about the many qualities I admired about her. And I thought about how I want to be like her.
She was the type of person who made EVERYONE feel important and validated. It didn't matter your socio-economic status, your beliefs, your idiosyncrasies. Everyone was valued and important. She also remembered the little things, asking about something from a previous conversation, going out of her way to say 'Thank You' or talking with a friend until 2 am. She was fiercely loyal and passionate about her family; she wanted the best for them. She valued the gospel and her membership in the church. She left the world a little bit brighter. I want to be like her.
Last night was the viewing. I waited in line for 2 hours to see the family (I have never seen that many people at a viewing) It was good to see Nate and the rest of the Winder family. I was struck by home many people came and waited to pay their respects.
Today was the funeral. I didn't really cry at the viewing, but from almost the moment I stepped into the church I started crying. I was just overwhelmed by the whole experience. Again, so many people were there, it was incredible! The service was so beautiful, personal and yet applicable to all in attendance. I know Sherri loved it. Nate composed a song for his Mom entitled, "Dances". It was so perfect. It was almost like you could hear her in the song.
I am so grateful I was able to attend. And more than that, I am so grateful that Sherri is my friend. She has touched my life.
I also have thought a lot this week about life in general. It is so precious. Loving each other is the most important thing we can do. Dedication to family, faith, commitments and community are so important. I also took some time this week to do some self-assessment. I need to be a better person. I need to be more open to the needs of others. I need to try to not be so selfish.
I want others to feel important, loved and validated.

"Let me be joy, be hope

Let my life sing!"

I will miss my friend Sherri.

In Remembrance

10 Years ago, life as we knew it changed.

It was a beautiful September morning and I was walking from choir rehearsal (I was in Sounding Joy, the Institute show choir) to my 2nd class at Salt Lake Community College (I had recently returned from my mission to Dallas, TX two months previously and was taking a few classes before I headed up to BYU-I in January.)
I remember there was an eerie stillness in the air.
When I walked into the building, everyone was quiet and staring at the TV screens, the first plane had hit moments before. My feet were rooted to the ground as I saw the 2nd plane hit, then the tower fell, and finally the other tower fell. I felt horror shake my body as I struggled to cope with what I was witnessing. I felt shock, disbelief and intense sadness.
I don't remember much else from that day except seeing all the flags at half mast and bursting into tears.
I had been to NYC in 1998 and had been on top of the World Trade Building. And now, in an instant, that massive building was gone and along with it thousands of voices were silenced.

September 11th is my brother Ben's birthday. He turned 21 that day, and was waiting to come home from his mission in Independence, Missouri. A few years after 9/11, BYU-I performed the play, "Hole in the Sky" which was based on the attacks on 9/11. I ran the lights and did tech for the show and my brother Ben played a beautiful character named Sal, who was a window washer on the side of the building. I have never seen my brother do a finer acting job. Every night he brought me to tears with his closing monologue, every night he filled me with hope and every night I remembered. 
"So that is all for Sal. Over the side with him. Yet I am not sad... because Sal, eh? Sal is everywhere..."

In 1996, Ben and I were in a car accident that changed our lives forever. It was a week after his 16th birthday and we were on out way to a Granite Youth Symphony Rehearsal when a woman from out of nowhere turned left right in front of my car. I tried to swerve to miss her, but she hit the car directly behind the driver's seat and then we hit a pole head on.
Miraculously, we all lived. Even more miraculously, Ben who had been in the middle of the back seat and had suffered the worst injuries lived. I sometimes think back to that day when I was 'this close' to losing my brother.
I am so blessed to have the siblings that I do. And I am especially blessed to have Ben as my brother. We served our missions at the same time, so we wrote weekly. We went to BYU-I and spent Playmill together where we were in numerous productions and became the best of friends.
And as I spend today grateful for my family, grateful for my friends and grateful for my amazing brother. My heart goes out to the countless families who are missing someone they love today. May we all take a moment and be grateful for the love in our lives.
So, Happy Birthday Ben and may we always remember.

Just Love

There is a website, www.wordle.net where you can put in words to form a collage. Well, I put my blog into wordle and this was the result.

FINALLY!

I teach this class at the high school called media productions. It is a class where we film, edit and produce the school news, X-Works and then upload them daily to youtube for the school to view.
Last year when I started, the class would fight me when I wanted them to make it more creative and entertaining. Sometimes it was ok, but by the end of the year, I had given up.
This year they listen! Here is my favorite episode thus far! (If you don't want to watch the entire thing, my favorite part starts at around 4:40)
FINALLY!

Job Hazards

So, I just cast the musical, "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying". The main character, Finch has to kiss two girls in the play. (Well, actually one kisses him and he kisses the other one.) The guy who is playing Finch has never kissed anyone in his life and is sweet and innocent. Anyway, my question is this- their first rehearsal is the two of them and just me. Should I have them kiss on that first rehearsal and just get it over with? Or should I have them kiss when we block the scene but in front of many others? What do you think?
Oh the hazards of being a drama teacher! I bet accountants don't have to worry about this sort of thing...
Also, today in my advanced class- we did this- ENJOY!

Why I do what I do.

So, I am now in the 2nd week of this school year and man is it hot! The above picture is the temperature in my classroom... I don't think I get paid nearly enough. They had installed air conditioning in the spring, but unfortunately it won't be working until mid October at the earliest.
But it's ok, because I really do love what I do.
I am also in the middle of the auditions for the musical. Monday and Tuesday were vocal/acting auditions and today was the dance auditions. I have a great new choreographer and I am excited to see her in action. As I was watching the kids learn and perform the dance routine, I took a moment to just let it all soak in. Watching their faces, seeing their interactions, laughing at their quirks.
I love the process of putting a show together- even though it is CRAZY stressful- it is all worth it. Auditions are hard because I know no matter what I do that feelings will be hurt. But, that's the name of the game. It is so hard for me to post a cast list. I put it on the door, then I go and hide because I can't bear to see the disappointed reactions.
But seeing the kids who are different, the kids who don't fit, the kids who are so amazingly talented, the kids who are sad, the kids who need a friend, the kids who just need to be lifted... that is why I do what I do.
So here's to an amazing new year!

Embracing the "Crazy"

Ladies, ladies, ladies. We are a crazy bunch. Do you ever have a time when you are having a crazy, irrational, emotional thought that you know makes no sense and yet it seems so real to you? So you ruminate and mull over the thought which sometimes leads to acting in a way that you normally would avoid. (And hormones certainly don't help- is it just me, or have you found that the older you get, the more your hormones are out of whack?)
I do. Not often, but when I do I am crazy. I get emotional, I make mountains out of molehills and I feel terrible.
I am crazy.
Last year I had a group of my male students come and ask me advice about girls. I listened to their stories, fascinated by the fact that their concerns were the same ones that still exist in my group of friends. (Wasn't I supposed to be older and wiser?) After they had finished, they all looked at me with eager anticipation for me to dispense my sage advice. This is what I said, "Women are crazy and Men are clueless."

Women are always thinking a million different thoughts.

Yep.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Dating...

So... yeah...
Why is it that it seems like everyone has success in dating but me? (I realize this isn't a true statement, but sometimes it feels that way.)  A few years ago the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" was all the rage. I had heard about it and wanted to read it. Luckily on Christmas morning my sister gave it me as a gift. After I unwrapped the present, she placed her hand lovingly on my knee and said, "Don't be offended, but I think you need this."
Recently I've been talking relationships a lot with my friends. Married, single, dating- pretty much everyone because I really want to figure this out. I've always hid behind the fat excuse. But fat people get married too! I have a friend who I worked with my first year at Valley. She was probably 350+ lbs but was actively dating on some LDS sites. That year she met and married her husband who didn't care about her size and now she lives in Idaho with her husband and super cute daughter. That was a huge realization for me. So what is it about me that broadcasts undateable? (Now, don't get me wrong, I am not depressed or sad that I am not dating, I am really just trying to figure it all out.)
Here is my classic story that has been true in almost all the situations where I like a guy... (There have been a few variations but it has basically been the same theme repeatedly.)
When I was a teenager I got it my mind that I wanted to marry my best friend. So every time I liked a guy, I made sure that he became my best friend. I never really learned how to flirt, and my meager attempts at flirtations are in a way, laughable. Anyway so here's the cycle...
I meet a guy, I think he is cute/interesting/a great potential Father to my children (just kidding about the last one...) So, depending on how brave I feel or whatever circumstances arise I get to know him. I am genuinely interested in him and what he has to say. I am usually pretty open and we laugh easily. Soon we are spending time together, and are learning even more about each other. I start thinking... yes! This is so fun and even though he isn't putting the moves on me, it's obvious he likes me because he is spending so much time with me. Then the reality sinks in a variety of ways- he tells me about another girl he is interested in and wants advice, we end up talking about 'us' and we have the dreaded 'just friends' talk or he realizes that I am interested in him and starts acting aloof. Or he tells me he is gay. And I end up alone, crying into the darkness and wondering what in the world I could've done differently, how I could have been so blind, and why in the world the pattern has repeated yet again.
So...yeah...
Yesterday I started reading the book "Love in 90 days". It talks about how if we were looking for employment we put all our energy and resources into finding a job. And yet, when it comes to love, we seem to take the mentality that love will find us. And so we live our lives, but don't really put forth much effort into making things happen for ourselves. I thought that was pretty interesting.
A year and a half ago I "graduated" from the singles ward. I've tried the online dating thing a few times but have never found success or interest. It has become so easy to adopt the mentality that I am just going to live my life and be happy and the Lord will provide. And if I need to do something different that Heavenly Father will guide me. Oh, and I am really sick of being sad and feeling rejected. Oh, and I have a lot of fear.
So... yeah...
In the book I am reading it talks about joining social groups to meet men, effective online dating and how to avoid deadly dating traps. (By the way if anyone is interested I fall into the following deadly traps: Just Buddies Trap and Jealousy Trap.) The book has overwhelmed me. It is A LOT of work! It talks about where you want to be in five years... ten years... fifteen years. My biggest fear is that I will be a cat lady living all alone, never knowing what it means to have someone love me.
Anyway, I guess my point is- what worked for you? What is your dating advice? I sincerely don't even know where to begin. It's so interesting to teach high school and watch teenage dating in full swing. IT'S SO SIMPLE. When did it become so complicated?
Anyway, if you have any words of wisdom, please let me know.
So... yeah...

My other love...

is baking and cooking. I love it! I love it when I find a new recipe and I share it with my friends and family! I love the looks on their faces and the "Mmmmmm" that inevitably escapes from their lips!
So, I would like to share with you THREE, yes THREE of my top/favorite recipes!They are: (drum roll please...)

Key Lime Mousse Pie
Caramelized Onion, Mushroom and Gruyere Quiche
&
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cake

Guaranteed to make your friends and family grateful that they know you!

Key Lime Mousse Pie

Crust:
2 cups ground gingersnap cookies (abt. 38 cookies)
2 tablespoons sugar
5 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted

Filling:
6 tablespoons Key Lime Juice or fresh lime juice
1 envelope unflavored gelatin
2 1/2 cups chilled heavy whipping cream
9 oz. good-quality white chocolate
3 8 oz packages cream cheese, room temperature
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 tablespoons grated lime zest

For Crust: Combine ground cookies and sugar in a food processor. Add melted butter and process until moist clumps form. Press mixture into bottom and 1 inch up sides of a 10 inch spring form pan.

For Filling: Place lime juice in a bowl and add gelatin, mix together with a fork and set aside. Bring 1/2 cup cream to simmer in a medium saucepan. Remove from heat and add chocolate. Stir mixture until chocolate is melted and smooth, then stir in gelatin mixture. Cool slightly. Using electric mixer, beat cream cheese, sugar and lime zest in a large bowl. Slowly beat in white chocolate mixture.

Using clean, dry beater, beat remaining 2 cups heavy whipping cream in another large bowl until peaks form. Fold whipping cream into white chocolate mixture. Pour filling into prepared crust. Cover and refrigerate overnight. THEN ENJOY!

Caramelized Onion, Mushroom and Gruyere Quiche

Crust:
Cooking spray
3/4 cup rolled oats
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons cold, unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
3 tablespoons cold, lowfat buttermilk

Filling:
4 teaspoons olive oil
1 large onion, sliced thinly into half moons
8 ounces sliced mixed mushrooms, such as cremini, oyster, shiitake
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon dry mustard
1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme leaves (or 1 teaspoon dry)
3 large eggs
3 egg whites
1 cup evaporated fat-free milk (not condensed milk)
2/3 cup grated Gruyere cheese (about 1-ounce)

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. Spray a 9-inch pie dish with cooking spray.
To prepare the crust, put the oats, flour and salt in the bowl of a food processor and pulse 3 times to combine. Add the butter and pulse about 12 times, until you get a pebbly course texture. Add the buttermilk and pulse 3 to 5 times more to combine. Form the mixture into a ball and place it between 2 large pieces of waxed paper. Roll out into a circle about 10 inches in diameter.

Remove the top sheet of waxed paper. Transfer the crust, still on the other piece of waxed paper to the pie dish, then remove the waxed paper from the top. Press the crust gently into the dish. Bake for 9 minutes, then let cool.

To prepare the filling, heat 2 teaspoons of oil in a large nonstick pan over a medium-low heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until golden brown and caramelized, about 20 minutes. Transfer the onions to a bowl. Add the remaining 2 teaspoons of oil to the pan and heat over a medium-high heat. Add the mushrooms and cook, stirring occasionally, until they have released their water and begin to brown, about 6 minutes. Add the onions back to the pan, stir in the salt, pepper, mustard and thyme.

In a medium bowl whisk together the eggs, egg whites and evaporated milk.

Sprinkle the cheese into the pie crust. Top with the mushroom-onion mixture and pour the egg mixture on top. Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees F. Bake for 35 minutes or until knife inserted in the middle comes out clean. Let stand for 5 minutes before cutting into 6 wedges and serving.

VARIATION: For those who HATE mushrooms (you know who you are) simply substitute bacon for the mushrooms!

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cake

Cake:
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 1/2 cups sugar
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, preferably Dutch process
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup neutral vegetable oil, such as canola, soybean or vegetable blend
1 cup sour cream
1 1/2 cups water
2 tablespoons distilled white vinegar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 eggs

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter the bottoms and sides of three 8-inch round cakepans. Line the bottom of each pan with a round of parchment or waxed paper and butter the paper.

Sift the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt into a large bowl. Whisk to combine them well. Add the oil and sour cream and whisk to blend. Gradually beat in the water. Blend in the vinegar and vanilla. Whisk in the eggs and beat until well blended. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and be sure the batter is well mixed. Divide among the 3 prepared cake pans. Bake for 30- 35 minutes. (These cakes are very, very soft. I found them a lot easier to work with after firming them up in the freezer for 30 minutes. They’ll defrost quickly once assembled. You’ll be glad you did this, trust me.)

To frost the cake, place one layer, flat side up, on a cake stand or large serving plate. Spread 2/3 cup cup of the Peanut Butter Frosting evenly over the top. Repeat with the next layer. Place the last layer on top and frost the top and sides of the cake with the remaining frosting. (Once the cake is fully frosted, it helps to chill it again and let it firm up. The cooler and more set the peanut butter frosting is, the better drip effect you’ll get from the Chocolate-Peanut Butter Glaze.)

To decorate with the Chocolate–Peanut Butter Glaze, put the cake plate on a large baking sheet to catch any drips. Simply pour the glaze over the top of the cake, and using an offset spatula, spread it evenly over the top just to the edges so that it runs down the sides of the cake in long drips. Refrigerate, uncovered, for at least 30 minutes to allow the glaze and frosting to set completely. Remove about 1 hour before serving.

Peanut Butter Frosting:
Makes about 5 cups
10 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
1 stick (4 ounces) unsalted butter, at room temperature
5 cups confectioners’ sugar, sifted
2/3 cup smooth peanut butter, preferably a commercial brand (because oil doesn’t separate out)

In a large bowl with an electric mixer, beat the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy. Gradually add the confectioners’ sugar 1 cup at a time, mixing thoroughly after each addition and scraping down the sides of the bowl often. Continue to beat on medium speed until light and fluffy, 3 to 4 minutes.
Add the peanut butter and beat until thoroughly blended.

Chocolate-Peanut Butter Glaze:
Makes about 1 1/2 cups
8 ounces semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
3 tablespoons smooth peanut butter
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1/2 cup half-and-half

In the top of a double boiler or in a bowl set over simmering water, combine the chocolate, peanut butter, and corn syrup. Cook, whisking often, until the chocolate is melted and the mixture is smooth.
Remove from the heat and whisk in the half-and-half, beating until smooth. Use while still warm.

THE FINISHED PRODUCT!!
Enjoy these recipes... and you're welcome!

You're Kind of a Big Deal

Sometimes I look at the world around me and get overwhelmed by all the negativity. There is so much hate, disrespect, selfishness, the list goes on and on. People are belittled, cut down, made to feel so small and insignificant. And why? Just so someone else can feel selfishly better. People, we are not in a giant competition to crown the winner of life. We are all here with our strengths and weaknesses, all good at different things with different talents...
Which brings me to my personal philosophy- everytime I think a positive thought, have a fond memory about someone or find something to admire in someone I share it with them. However insignificant or corny it may be. And I will tell you first hand that those positive thoughts have the power to change the world.
Now, I am not perfect I'm this, sometimes I am witch and sometimes I can be uncaring. But overall I try really hard to live by this philosophy. It is so much more powerful to build than to tear. And by doing this, I believe we can change the world. Because we all need to be reminded that we are amazing and really are kind of a big deal!