Plenty of Heart & Plenty of Hope

To say my life has been insanely busy as of late would be a HUGE understatement. I'm rapidly approaching the end of my semester of grad school- teaching and working full time and just finished directing a wonderful production of "Oklahoma!"

I have really been enjoying my grad school experience. Most of what I've been learning is immediately applicable in my work. It is just a lot of work (my TV shows are suffering greatly as my time is spent on homework...) the funny thing to me is my attitude about grades this time around. In high school and as an undergrad- grades weren't super important to me- (as long as I passed with a decent grade). I never cared about A's or getting the highest score, I cared more about the experience. However, as an adult in grad school I really care about getting straight A's! I'm not quite sure why- I have to have a B or higher to have the class count and so far that is easily done. It's just funny to me that I care so much now- maybe it's because I've been a teacher for the past ten years or maybe it's because I feel as an adult I must always do my best. Either way- it's a lot of work, but it's worth it.

 Now I'm going to be a little self-indulgent. I realize many of you read this blog and that is fine- sometimes I write to be heard, but most of the time I write for me so I can look back over my previous experiences and thoughts. Anyway, this next part is for me.

This is a picture of the cast, crew and orchestra from my production of Oklahoma! As I stated in my earlier blog post- this is a show I've wanted to do for a long time. I'm not exactly sure why it spoke to me (I think the ending is a little meh- truth be told) but I just have a fondness in my heart for the classic American musicals. Anyway, it was interesting when I told people I was doing the show I either got a "yay, I love that show" or "ugh, I hate that show" There wasn't really a lot of reactions in between. So even though I was very excited to do the show, from the get-go I had some mixed emotions.

Then I the time came to cast the show. I had a few kids in mind for some of the roles and some of those worked and some of those didn't. It was a particularly hard time casting because I knew I wouldn't be featuring some of my best kids in leading roles. Some Facebook posts from the time: "Seriously. This has been the hardest show to cast in my whole career. The reason? Too much talent. I know, I know I shouldn't complain but I am heartbroken that some of my top kids who've worked so hard over the years will be in the ensemble. When they definitely deserve and have the talent for a leading role. There was just someone else who was a better choice in the big overall puzzle that is casting. Sigh. But luckily there are more shows this year and more opportunities to shine. I hope in the midst of their disappointment, they realize that.

My job is hard sometimes." Then I had this Facebook conversation with one of my best, brightest and most dedicated students, "So, I know you hate answering this question. But I need to know and never got the chance to ask you today. How come I didn't get cast as Will?" I responded- "Your interpretation wasn't the right fit for the character. You had a great audition, you were really fun, but you just weren't the right fit. But fortunately there will be other opportunities for you to have your time to shine. There really is nothing you could've done differently. Believe me, I've agonized over this decision." I then shared with him my Facebook status which I posted above. To which he responded,  "Thanks Ms. Parkes. That actually helped a ton. If you couldn't tell, I was pretty bummed today. But a ton happened last night (not at the social or anything) and so I was mostly bummed and sad over that stuff. I wasn't entirely sad about this decision. I was actually really understanding. Or at least trying to be. Don't beat yourself up over it, you know better than me. And I'm glad that you're trying to get me in the show more. So thanks Parkes. For being the best drama teacher ever"

Pause. I was blown away by his response. Blown Away. In fact, it still makes me emotional when I think about it. What a class act. And what an amazing life lesson for him to learn. He is truly exceptional.

So, as rehearsals began I had these underlying doubts (based on people's hatred for the show) I was up to my eyeballs in Shakespeare stuff and working on my first semester of grad school. But I didn't let on that I felt uninspired and frankly tired. I was really concerned that how I was feeling would be reflective in rehearsals. So, I made sure that it wasn't. After Shakespeare I went on a brief trip to Disneyland with my friend Jeff- the trip allowed me to take a much needed breath and I returned with a renewed energy and laser sharp focus.

As with all shows, this show had its own particular set of problems and obstacles. My two leads, Laurey and Curly faced opposite problems. Curly was a fantastic actor with confidence but seriously lacked in the vocal department (although he had potential, he just needed to learn correct placement.) And Laurey had a voice that would rival the angels but lacked confidence and had limited acting skills (although when she just let go and trusted herself she had fantastic instincts). Never before in my career did I have to work so hard with my two leads. But, I always knew they would triumph.

And they did. In fact, they were simply amazing. I love those two kids so much. Truth be told, I love all of them more than I can adequately express. They are the most wonderful people that I know. I am in awe of my life at times.

Seriously, how can you not love those faces and the energy in this picture?

Performances came and I was blown away by how much people truly loved the show. Not just tolerated it, loved it. All of my doubts regarding it being a great show disappeared and I tried my hardest to just enjoy the moment.



 IT WAS A HIT!!!!

All of the months of doubt, hard work, lost sleep, worrying was worth it. I was incredibly proud and happy with the work that the kids had done. The morning after opening night I received the following email from another teacher (who I had never met)

 "Oh my WORD!!!!

That was AMAZING!!!!
I was raised in Oklahoma and seen several versions, that was by far the BEST version I have seen by non-professionals. Heck, they even gave those professionals a run for their money!...

The set was fantasticly simple so the focus stayed on the characters. Great role assignments that Ali Hakim and Ado Annie stole the show. Wow. Fantastic.

What I was most impressed and surprised by was the amount of men you had up there. So so so great to see men on the stage!

Also, a huge applause to your orchestra pit! Honestly, I have never heard a high school pit sound that amazing. Their opening number I looked at my husband and we knew we were in for a real surprise.

We have lived in 6 states and I have taught in 8 schools. We have seen our fair share of crappy productions. We always come to support the kids and leave at intermission to spare ourselves.

Not last night, we stayed to the finale. Wow! I teared up. Simply beautiful!

Thank you for all of YOUR hardwork and tell your kiddos the same."

Then after closing night I received a note from the 5th grade teachers at Hunter Elementary-

I LOVE IT!

Now for the truly self-indulgent part of this post. Every time a cast ends a show, I usually get a thank you card with heartfelt messages. I file them away and look at them when I come across the card years later. But, I was particularly touched and moved by some of the notes from this year and so I wanted to make them more accessible for me to read again (when times are tough) so I am writing them in this blog. So be forewarned there are also a lot of pictures!

"Oh Parkes I'm going to cry! You are the best teacher ever. I can not thank you enough for everything you have done for me. Thank you for helping me make Aunt Eller one of my favorite characters to play to date. I absolutley love her. And thank you for an amazing opportunity to be in Hunter High Theatre! I will forever cherish it!" Love always, Mara Hutchinson

"Wow. I can't beleive this is it Parkes. I cannot even express how much of a blessing you've been in my life. Thank you for teaching me so much. Not only about Theatre, but in life lessons. Thank you for constantly putting up with my shenanigans. Thank you for being such an amazing mentor, example and friend. You're such a strong example to me that I'm constantly striving to be like. I could never say enough. But I'll always try. Thank you." -Ben Rogerson

"Hey Ms. Parkes!!!!!!!!!!!! :) I'm the last one so I will have to improvise in order to make enough room for myself. I just have to let you know a few things. You have helped me in my life fare more than I think you will ever be able to know. I came into high school with nothing and you have made sure that I leave with everything. I truly feel I owe you so much and there will never be a way to fully repay you. Without theatre in my life I would be a completley different person. I came into high school terrified and unable to face the world around me, and even though you didn't really know me until my jr. year; still your kindness and everything in the program is what got me to that point. One of the reasons I never left your Theatre 3 class when I wasn't supposed to be there was because it was one of the first times I had truly felt welcomed from my first day, until, I know, my last. Having you as my teacher has helped me so much- you have taught me courage, and to be happy with who I am. And more than anything you have taught me so much about myself and so many lessons I will be able to apply for the rest of my life. You have taught me that it is okay to be ... me... I have struggled so much and one of the biggest things is never thinking that I was good enough or even worth it and these insecurities were really crippling for so long. You have helped me to see my own worth, to actually beleived in it and in myself. And I just want you to know how much you have done for me by even just believing in me me and really the only thing I can possilbly say is Thank You." -Blake Hedges

On a fun side note, I didn't make Blake perm his hair to play Curly, so for every performance, I spent an hour curling his hair with sponge curlers... I am just way too nice.

"Parkes, Thanks for everything you do for us. You beleived in me when no one else did. Thank you for all the time and energy you've put into this show."- Margaret Dzierzon

"Thanks for giving me a name in the play." -Dan Nordfelt

"Ms. Parkes! Thank you so much for putting all of your heart and vision into this musical. You have been so fun to work with, thank you for inspiring us all and moving my love for the performing arts so far forward. You have made this experience so great, what with all your energy and accents and love for the arts. We love you!"- Jade Otteson

"Ms. Parkes, you are literally the best teacher I ever had. It was such an honor to work with you, I love all your funniness and weirdness." -Natalie Segura

"Ms. Parkes- you are so awesome and thank you for this awesome experience." -Jacob Bjornberg

"Thank you for helping us throughout the musical with your positive outlook, you are amazing!"- Celeste Anderson

"Thank you for putting up with all of our shenanigans! You are such an incredible inspiration. I don't know how you do it all, but you do. And I can't thank you enough. I look forward to the many more productions with you! Much love!" -Trinity Gillett

"Thank you so much for this amazing experience! It's been so long since I've been in a show and I've missed it so much! Thank you for everything you've done to make this show as wonderful as it is! You have helped me grow so much and I thank you for that!" -Jennie Leonard

"Thank you so much for all the amazing things you do that I can't even number." -Joey Hall

"Parkes, Thank you so much for making my first high school play one to remember! Can't wait for all the ones to come. Love ya!" -AnnaBelle Smith

"Thank you for the best time of my life. I have had so much fun! I am so excited for next year!" -Emily

"Ms. Parkes, Thank you for being yourself, with all the hardships in life it's good to know that there is somewhere safe to come to. Thanks for making the stage my safe haven/home. Gracias." -Estephany Castanon

"Hey Kjersti Adeline Oda Parkes, You have truly made this musical fan-freaking-tastic!" -Steven

"Ms. Parkes!! Thank you for making the musical a joy for all of us! My confidence has increased greatly. I am so grateful I've had the opportunity to be under your direction. I've found that I have so much fun when I keep in mind that 'neutral face is of the devil!' Totally doing this crazy business next year!" -Mei Sorensen

"You are AMAZING!!! Thanks for making my freshman year so much fun! I will never forget this year and how much fun we've all had together, all thanks to you! You've made me laugh so much and I'm so grateful." -Emily Murray

"Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to be a part of your productions. Best part of my high school experience!" -Mikayla Herrick

"Ms. Parkes, Thank you for letting me take part in this experience. I look forward to many musicals to come. Thanks for being the best director." -Rebecca Fredrickson

"Ah! I love you. Thank you for putting up with all of us crazy, annoying teenagers! We all are so thankful for you and your guidance. You're awesome!" Love, Tiffany Thompson

"Parkes! You're the best! Thanks for everything!" -Brayden Cheshire

"Oh my goodness, this is it ... Can you believe I've been in shows all this time and it's come to an end? I can't even begin to describe my gratitude toward you, Ms. Parkes, you have done so much for me and made me amazing. You did that. Soon I'll repay you. I still can't beleive this is it." -Dylan Johnston

"Hey Ms. Parkes, thanks for letting me be stage manager! It was truly an awesome experience. Thanks a lot!" -Sione Sevelo

"Thanks for everything! You're the greatest teacher ever! Thanks for all the laughs and talks!" Love, Allison Taylor

"I love you SO MUCH!!! Thank you for the countless hours you have put into Oklahoma! I appreciate all that you've done for me and this show. Also, thanks for making my first kiss jappen because otherwise I never would've had it." -Amanda Murray

"Ms. Parkes you have been an amazing teacher, director, and friend. You have helped me success so much and I truly appreciate it! You definitley deserve all the credit for helping this musical and all others do so well! Thanks again, I'll miss you!" -Joseph Farnworth

"Parkes, I'm super happy that I always have the opportunity to be in the school musicals, and I'm so happy that you are the director for them. You always make everyone happy with your jokes and your awesome feedback. Next year will be hard to top!! Thank YOU!!" -Brenon Whitaker

"You've been such a great theatre teacher and director. I LOVE theatre and performing in general with a passion. You've helped me improve my acting abilities so much and I look forward to many musicals and performances at Hunter!" -Gavin Lewis

"Thank you so much for everything! You are an amazing director and I wish I had room for your classes! I can't wait to be in more productions! You have made me so much better at acting! Thank You!!! We are so lucky to have you here at Hunter!" -Dawn Smith

"Parkes... Well I love you! You are so great and I don't know how you keep up with us and still love us! Thanks for all the motivation and helping me to be the best I can! I'll always love/remember this show!" -Kenzie Lunt

"You are so incredibly talented and I'm so grateful that you are our theatre teacher. If it weren't for you, I probably wouldn't be involved with the musical. You are the most hilarious and genuine person I know. You are so talented and understanding and kind, you make everyone want to be around you! Thanks SO much for everything you've done for me and everyone else." -Tristi Meservy

"Parkes, My first and fondest memory of you will always be how on your very first time meeting me you said, "Well, you've got balls." It will always make me laugh! Thank you for all your hard work bringing this show together to make it great!" -Taylor Jeppson

"Thanks again, Ms. Parkes, for all you have helped us with, especially me. Thanks so much." -Dallin Summers

"Ms. Parkes, Thank you for all the hard work and time you have put into this show! It has been an amazing experience I will never forget!" -Alex Erickson

"Parkes, Thank you for all of your hard work and for sharing your amazing talent! You are so creative and it amazes me how you can create a picture in your mind and make it come to life! I'm so glad I could be a part of this and you made this experience so much better! Thank you SO MUCH!" -Allie Crsoby

"Ms. Parkes, Words cannot express how enjoyable this show has been. Thank you for helping raise me and bring me through my high school career. I look forward to future shows with you!" -Sam Short

"Ms. Parkes, thank you for making my first ecpereince w/theatre one I will cherish forever. You are amazing." -Huy Tran

"Ms. Parkes, Thank you so, so much for all that you've done for me and encouraging me to do the musical. I'm so happy to be a part of Oklahoma! and I owe it all to you. Again thank you so much and you're amazing!" -Devin Patterson

"Parkes! I can't begin to describe how amazing you are! Thanks for sharing your talent with us! This will be something I'll always keep in my heart! You made my love for theatre even stronger! I wish I could've done more! I love you so much!" -Andy Truong

"Ms. Parkesssss It has been such an amazing opportunity to be able to work with you more closely. You are such an inspiration to me." -Brooke Fernandez

"Thanks Ms. Parkes for pushing me to audition- I wouldn't have as much fun watching from the audience. I love you so much. Thank you for letting me be such a huge part of your shows. You mean a lot to me and always will stay golden." -Gabby Page

"Thanks for all the sick choreography and the totally awesome acting tips! My face is no longer neutral!!!" -Matthew House

 

I truly am so amazingly blessed.

 



Oklahoma!

Growing up I watched a lot of Rodgers and Hammerstein musicals- one that always stuck out in my mind was Oklahoma! I loved it, the sweeping music and I found Gordon McRae to be so handsome.

In 2003, I saw the Playmill production of Oklahoma and it was perfection. I was in college at the time studying to be a Theatre teacher and so I filed the show away to direct sometime in the future.

When I started at Hunter, I wanted to direct Oklahoma, but I had to wait for the right kids. (Whenever I direct a show, the first thing I consider is what is the best fit for the kids.) Last March I was talking with my music director and I was thinking about what may be a good fit. I was thinking about the kids and I realized that this would be the year for Oklahoma! I quickly asked my colleagues and they were excited with the idea- and it just felt right. Whenever I pick a show, I have to have a moment where I just feel like it's right. I spend so much time on the show, so much time with it on my mind, it stays with me for a few months- it has to be right.

 

Anyway, I think it's appropriate that I am finally doing one of my favorite shows in my 10th year of teaching.

 

It was interesting- when I told friends and family that I was directing Oklahoma, the reaction was quite mixed. I either got- "Yay! I love that show!" or "I hate that show." So I silently made it my personal goal to appeal to both of those types of people. And even if they still don't like the storyline, my hope is that they will enjoy my production.

I often get asked which show I direct is my favorite and I always say the one I'm working on. Which is true. And right now I am in love with this show. But there has been something so gratifying about working on a show that I've wanted to do for so long.

Casting this show was difficult. Not for reasons you may think- it was because I had too many talented kids. I was excited for the cast but also truly heartbroken for those who wouldn't get what they wanted. But, I was humbled and surprised at how the kids reacted. Of course there was dissapointment, but they accepted my choices and supported them and have gone above and beyond to be leaders in other ways. I am blown away. My students are some of the most incredible individuals on the planet.



 

Right now, my life is incredibly stressful. With grad school, teaching directing and hard times in my personal life, it has been hard. However, I can't help but be in awe of what I get to do. It is amazing to go through the process of directing a show with the kids. To see them grow, to see them grow up, to be a part of that process. Anyway, this show in particular has been an utter joy. My cast is so kind, sweet, hard working and talented. The show is beautiful. I am so excited to present it.



It's good to have a reminder that amidst all the craziness that I need to pause and be grateful for this moment. So, if you can- come see the show. It's beautiful and everything I wanted it to be.

 

 

 

Doing it all

Where did September go? To say I've been overwhelmed would be the understatment of the century. I keep thinking about possible blog posts that need to be written and time just flies by... so an update.

Right now I should be writing my mid term essays for my grad school class- and I will- I have to before midnight tonight. Yep, doing grad school. I've enjoyed it thus far, it's just another thing on my plate. In this moment I just want to run away to a tropical place and read books on the beach. But- duty calls.

This past weekend was the annual Shakespeare Competition. I took my Play Productions class and overwhelmingly they had a memorable and positive experience. I am the first to admit Shakespeare isn't my strong point. But I felt like we had a pretty solid team. I knew we wouldn't place in the top three- but when I saw the scores I was surprised by how low they were compared to where I thought they should've been. I know it is subjective- but I think these scores will upset my students. They don't know the scores yet- do I tell them or just 'forget'. I don't want to take an amazing experience for them and taint it with someone else's opinion. The scores don't matter- I care about their experience. And I was so proud of their work. I was so proud of how they grew and how hard they worked. But, they know they were ranked and rated and will want to know...

In addition I am directing the musical, "Oklahoma", teaching my huge classes, teaching a one day a week class at the Hale (honestly I am regretting that choice- but luckily it only goes until Nov. 12- one week before the musical opens. I wasn't thinking when I said yes to one. more. thing.), trying to have some semblance of a social life and trying to take care of my physical health. Whew.

Back to the kids, I am so grateful to them for their love, enthusiasm, dedication and spirit.
Here are some pictures from the weekend-

The truth is...

I need to be asleep. But my mind won't shut off. Hopefully this post will alleviate some of my persistent thoughts so I can sleep. Tomorrow is a district meeting that will hopefully be considerably less traumatic than last year, one can hope. I'm supposed to present something but have had no time to prepare.
The school is behind on construction meaning my classroom is a mess and I am not even remotely prepared to have students on Wednesday aaannnnndddd I get to spend tomorrow at the district... Lame. LAME!
My heart feels heavy. How I wish I could be immune to how others choices make me feel. I wish I could rewind certain aspects of my life to a few years ago. Things were simpler then and my heart wasn't so heavy. I worry all the time about things over which I have no control and sometimes my heart just physically aches. I'm trying so hard to not care.
I'm starting my masters degree in a week. I'm excited but apprehensive. I want to do a good job, I have to make time to be successful.
I'm anxious. I rarely feel anxious. I don't like feeling anxious.

The truth is I need to find a way to not feel so weighed down with my life. It feels overwhelming and crushing right now...

Maybe now I can sleep.

Be Inspiring

Hoo-boy this past month has been busy for me! I went on a lovely cruise to Mexico with my good friend April- taught another acting class session at the Hale and ended the month at the yearly UACTT conference! Whew! And now I go back to school next week. This has been a very short summer, both in terms of time (school is starting a week earlier) and in having a lot to do. In fact I really should be doing lesson planning (we are getting the 9th grade class for this upcoming year) but instead I am blogging. Why? I have a lot on my mind.

At the UACTT conference, our keynote speaker was a gentleman named Michael Littig. Throughout the past year I had an email correspondence with him as I planned the conference. Never in my life had I encountered such positivity through an email. He ended each email with sending love from somewhere in the world. (He is involved with the Great Globe Foundation which brings arts all over the globe. You should check out the website: http://greatglobefoundation.org/ ) When I met him and listened to his keynote- what struck me the most was his giving and idealistic spirit. I thought- I need to be more like that. I want to be a force for good and positivity and community and understanding. He talked a lot about this idea of community. Who is in your community? Who are your mentors? Who are your peers? And so forth.

I started thinking about the different communities of which I am a part. The obvious workplace, family, friends, etc... but then I started thinking about the Facebook community. Here is a place where people can post whatever the squirrel they want without seeing the consequences. Sure they see the consequences in written form- but they can never understand the scope of what words can do to a person in real life.

Thumper makes it all seem so simplistic- but it's much more complicated than that. What about standing up for what we believe? What about letting our opinions be heard? FREE SPEECH! FREE SPEECH!! Truth be told- this kind of thinking on the Facebook exhausts me. I value people's opinions, beliefs and points of view. But, far, far too often people shame others (intentionally or not) for not thinking EXACTLY like them. Putting down others whose journey has been different. Shouting they have the market on what is true and what is not and anyone who thinks differently is a complete and utter ignorant fool. I think there is a way to state our opinions and beliefs without coming across as attacking. 

All it takes is switching an approach and being open to the fact, that maybe, just maybe someone else feels they are just as right as you even though it is directly against what you have come to know as truth. Of course there are basic moral tenets of society that we all should be defending regardless of personal belief. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a difference in lifestyle, religious belief, etc... Because at the end of the day- are we all not just people trying to figure it all out?

I have a friend from high school who is a transgender woman. I will be the first to admit I have no idea or comprehension as to what that means. I don't understand and it makes no sense to my brain. However, it is not my experience to have- it is hers. Her best friend could be described as polar opposite. I recently read her account on Facebook commenting on their friendship: They were asked, "So how do you guys deal with the fact that you have different feelings about things like gay marriage and stuff?" (I'm paraphrasing, forgive me) To which I said, "Our friendship isn't affected by things like that because we don't let it. There are so many more important things in life than to get hung up on issues that could never have any bearing on who we are as friends." I am so grateful that my best friend and I are still just as best friendish now as we have always been; our high school years on stage together and in class, our early adult years as we held each other up through heartbreak, laughed at one another during times of experimentation, and in recent years, completely stood behind the other as we stepped firmly into our current adult identities. She is the a magnificent mother of 4 (soon to be 5), a dutiful daughter and the loving and committed wife of a new bishop. She is so practical and inventive and I daresay could sew anything she could ever want. There were times when I have envied her, but those feeling fade instantly when I remember what an amazing best friend she has always been to me." To which her friend replied, " I'm so lucky to have a best friend like you. I'd never trade that for anything. You were there for me through some of my darkest times and never questioned why when I decided to go back to church and completely change my lifestyle. I lost a lot of "friends" when I did that. It's the people who stick it out with you through the most trying times that are the truest friends. Thank you for everything. I love you forever and ever!" 

THAT- my friends, is what it's all about!

So why is my blog post titled, "Be Inspiring"? Because that's my challenge to each of you. 

-Be Inspiring in your interactions with others: Another thing that struck me about Michael was how he made others feel. When I thanked him for coming to the conference he acknowledged my thanks but in turn thanked me. He tells others how they inspire him. It was interesting to watch the affect of community and inspiration had on our conference attendees. 

-Be Inspiring online: Carefully evaluate how you put information out there. It's fine to have your opinions, but are they laced with hate and venom toward those who have different thoughts?

-Be Inspiring with Yourself: We all have a different path. Follow what is true to you. But try to avoid putting down those who do not share your path. They are on their own path and even though their path is incomprehensible to you. It is THEIR path- you cannot understand what that means or why they are there- all you can do is honor their path and give value to their experiences.

-Be Inspiring with the world: Everyday we send out messages to the world. We send out energy to the world. What are you sending?

Why I Stay

When I was a teenager, I thought life was hard. I was dealing with things beyond that of my friends at the time and I thought I truly understood what it was like to have trials and tribulations. I kept waiting for life to get easier and the trials to lessen- but I have come to understand that as an adult that just isn't true. The trials and situations change and ebb and flow- some things that once were hard are fine and some things that you never thought would affect you suddenly break your heart. I've come to accept this fact because it is shaping me into the person I am becoming.
I don't claim to, nor have ever claimed to have the market cornered on truth. I consider myself to be an open and accepting person. Years ago I came to the realization that while other's actions, feelings, beliefs may have an emotional affect on me- when it comes right down to it- I am in charge of my own salvation. So what will my life be?

As a child I grew up in a Mormon family- however we were not atypical. We rarely had family home evening, scripture study or family prayer. My Mom tried to instill these things in us, but sometimes it was all we could do to just survive. I went to church every Sunday, occassionally attended Young Women Activities (I was always busy with my theatre/ music school activities) and nurtured an infantile testimony of the gospel. But, I must admit, I always felt like God was with me. I felt His quiet guidance and gentle hand in my life. After high school, I went through a dark depression and I started questioning so many things. I was angry, I was confused, I was sad. During this time I became friends with someone who had left the church. His path and choices fascinated me and I began to wonder if he was right. He had recently left and it was still hard on his Mom. He and I decided to go on a trip to New York City together and I promised his Mom we would attend church on Sunday in Manhattan. During the trip, he began to show his true colors and I found myself at odds with him. He attacked me, made fun of me and made me feel terrible. So, on Sunday morning more out of spite- I made him go to church with me. We finally found the church (now where the Manhattan Temple is) and went inside. The moment I stepped inside, I was overcome with a feeling a peace, warmth, love and home. He had to go to the restroom and I sat on the all too familiar couches that seem to be only in LDS meetinghouses. Directly across from me was this picture-

 

I sat there contemplating my life, my choices, my heart, my testimony and a flood of quiet reassurances flooded over me and I decided then and there that I needed the church in my life.

Shortly after that trip I decided to go on a mission. On my mission I finally learned the gospel on a deeper level than I had in Seminary (which I skipped more time than I should have), Sunday School and Young Womens. Prior to my mission I had only read the Book of Mormon once and I didn't really understand some of the basic tenents of the gospel. My mission was a difficult but precious experience. And, for me, the greatest gift was finally understanding the gospel in which I believed. I know it may sound silly that I believed something I didn't really understand- but I've always been one of those follow your heart type of gals. And even if I didn't understand the reason why- in my heart I felt the spirit and that was enough for me.

 

After my mission, I attended BYU-Idaho and was ready to fulfill my Mormon duties to become a wife and mother in Zion. Although I did everything I could think of to make this happen for myself- it didn't. In the culture of the Mormon church, (at least when I was a teenager) we were taught that eternal marriage was the most important thing in the world. I was taught to look for, pray for and seek an eternal marriage. (Although I think part of the obesssion with marriage is a big part of just being a girl.) And when it didn't happen for me, I felt broken. After BYU-I, I attended singles wards until 31 and then 'graduated'. That was hard. I felt like the church was no longer a place for me. I felt like a failure in Mormonism 101. I felt like sometimes as a single person in the church others looked down on me, that my opinion, worth and value was less as a single person. I also realized a lot of that was my self perception. But, I kept going, I transisitoned to a family ward and occasionally attended the mid singles ward.

 

And life happened. I grew up. My testimony was shaken with a series of trials and new information. And I, again stood at a crossroads- do I continue in my faith or do I leave? As a kid, it's really easy to believe in things you can't see- as an adult you need concrete facts and information. And yet, things of a spiritual nature are just hard to understand and define because so much of it is your heart and undefinable. But, I digress.

 

Over the past few years a lot has changed in my little corner of the world. People who were once everything to me are no longer a part of my life. Members of my family have left the church and have been very vocal in their choices. I have read some things about the church that felt foreign and strange to me. Things are happening in the world that have caused even more people to draw a line in the sand. (disclaimer- I'm not going to go into explicit detail regarding my opinions on some things because I believe you should be careful about what you put on the internet. But, if you are interested in my thoughts, feel free to message me.)

 

Also during this time, my church attendance was a bit sporadic. And honestly, sometimes when I did attend I just sat like a grump judging all the 'happy families' around me. I wallowed in self pity and 'wo is me' kind of mentality. I stopped praying, I stopped going to the temple- and at the same time, reading things that made me question, listening to reasons why family members have left the church. And I allowed myself to ponder this thought, "Maybe the church really isn't true?..." This thought sat with me for quite awhile. I continued on in my day to day, but I let it sit with me and waited to understand what I needed to know. I read about topics both from inside and outside the church. And I started to make prayer more a part of my life (it's funny how easy you fall out of the habit of something and how hard it is to get back in the habit).

 

I remember the first time I prayed after not praying for quite some time. (by the way, the reason I stopped praying wasn't because of laziness, it was because everytime I prayed I got too emotional and I just couldn't deal with that on a regular basis.) I knelt at the side of my bed and din't say anything particularly earth shattering- but I felt an overwhelming feeling of love. And I sat with that feeling for a moment. I had read an article or blog post or something about someone who justified the feelings of the spirit to be something we manufactured within ourselves that we 'make' ourselves feel the spirit that we manipulate our emotions to achieve the desired outcome. I teach theatre, I teach emotions and I am very aware of the physical-mind-emotional connection. And as I sat there, I evaluated my breath, my heart and my body and I came to the strong conclusion that what I was feeling was not coming from me. It was coming from an unseen force that surrounded me. And I sat there realizing once again that God is real and loves me more than I can possibly even comprehend.

 

After that, life still was hard. I still felt sometimes that I didn't belong in such a family oriented church. But then I pulled my head out of the sand and looked around and realized a lot of people for various reasons feel like they don't belong- regardless of the marital status. And I realized I have a place, just like everyone has a place. And sometimes we carve our own place. Often in life we wait for others to come along and tell us where we belong or even that we belong. But, the truth is we create our sense of belonging by getting outside of ourselves.

 

In my family, there still continued to be a lot of conversation about the church and differeing beliefs. I'll be honest- I am super fatigued with the topic. I have felt at times that I am standing alone - and then the lyrics from one of the songs from the musical presentation, "From Cumorah's Hill" comes to mind- I never stand alone, when I stand with God. One night, after a particularly taxing conversation, I went home feeling drained. I don't remember if I prayed or not. But I was standing on a tipping point. My family had said a lot of compelling things that made a lot of sense. It wasn't an emotionally fueled conversation and yet I felt completley drained and empty. The next day was Sunday. But, I didn't feel like going to church. I showered and starting watching TV while my roommate at the time left for church. And in my heart I kept asking the question, "Is it really true, or not..." And as I sat there I felt the prompting- just go. At first I ignored it, but then it came again- just go. So, I threw on a skirt, probably looking quite dishevled and walked over to the meetinghouse. Sacrament meeting was last and I was already late for that. I walked in as the congregation was singing the sacrement hymn, I sat down- opened my hymnbook- started singing and then I was completley overcome. I couldn't stop crying (it was actually pretty embarassing- luckily it wasn't a loud cry- but it did inhibit me from singing and if you've ever been near me when I'm singing, you definitley notice when I stop.) And I knew there was no way I was causing this reaction that seemingly came from no where. You see, once again, like I felt so many years ago at the meetinghouse in New York, I was home. And that is exactly what I needed to feel and remember. That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is my home.

 

I will also freely admit, I don't have all the answers. I don't 100% agree with everything the church says. I have strong opinions and strive to activley seek all truth outside and inside the church. But I cannot and will not deny what I feel to be true. And although sometimes the world feels like it's crumbling down around me I will still stand.

 

I've also learned that your life becomes what your habits are. That in order for me to learn and grow, I must keep attending church, that I must keep reading my scriptures, that I must strive to have the spirit in my life. Honeslty, Church culture drives me batty. I don't understand so many things, but at the end of the day- I stay because I am compelled to stay and deep down in the very essence of who I am- I know it to be truth. I know where I belong. It's my home. It's not an easy home- it would be so much easier just to stop believing, it would free up some time in my hectic life, I could be free to do 'adult things'. But, I can't because that's not who I am.



Lava

Yesterday I saw the movie "Inside Out" and I loved it. I've read plenty of posts about how universally loved it is and I echo those feelings. As we sat in the theatre, I remarked to my nephew Elliott that I wondered what the short film would be. It started and I thought... how quaint.

 

SPOILER ALERT (If you haven't seen the movie yet now is the time to stop reading and run (don't walk) to the theatre and see the film!)

It's a simple story about an optimistic volcano looking for love and just as he is about to give up forever, love finds him. That is the story in a nutshell. But it spoke to me on such a deeper level. In fact, it made me more emotional than "Inside Out" (which also touched me). I guess the reason why is I've been trying so hard lately to not care about being alone. I've been trying so hard to remain optimistic about my life and situation. And I realized I don't always know what's on the horizon... or just beneath the surface of the ocean. And yes, I am fine with my situation, but sometimes I get very bitter, angry and cynical. Read on-

Here are the lyrics to the song:

A long, long time ago there was a Volcano
Living all alone in the middle of the sea.
He sat high above his bed
Watching all the couples play
And wishing that he had someone too
And from his lava came this song of hope
That he sang out loud every day for years and years.

I have a dream- I hope will come true
That you're here with me and I'm here with you
I wish that the Earth sees the Sky up above-a
Will send me someone to Lava

Years of singing all alone turned his lava into stone
Until he was on the brink of extinction
But little did he know that living in the sea below
Another Volcano was listening to his song
Everyday she heard his tune, her lava grew and grew
Because she believed his song was meant for her.
Now she was so ready to meet him above the sea
As he sand his song of hope for the last time...

I have a dream- I hope will come true
That you're here with me and I'm here with you
I wish that the Earth sees the Sky up above-a
Will send me someone to Lava

Rising from the sea below, stood a lovely Volcano
Looking all around- but she could not see him
He tried to sing to let her know to let her know
That she was not there all alone
But with no lava- his song was all gone
He filled the sea with his tears
And watched his dreams disappear
As she remembered what his song meant to her...

I have a dream- I hope will come true
That you're here with me and I'm here with you
I wish that the Earth sees the Sky up above-a
Will send me someone to Lava

Oh there were so happy to finally meet above the sea
All together now- their lava grew and grew.
No longer are they all alone with Aloha as their new home
And when you visit them- this is what they sing.

I have a dream- I hope will come true
That you'll grow old with me and I'll grow old with you.
We thank the Earth, Sea, the Sky we thank too.
I Lava You
I Lava You
I Lava You.

As a 36 year old never married eternal optimist- it's hard not to harden your heart and become cyncical- and this short was such a sweet little reminder to stay tender and not lose hope. Yes, be happy in your situation, stay optimistic- but not lose hope.

I also read an interview with the director Jim Murphy where he talked about his inspiration for the short. "Lava is Murphy’s passion project that began nearly four years ago after being inspired to create the short when returning to Hawai’i with his family for vacation. It all came together when he researched how volcanoes were formed during the time they were celebrating his sister’s wedding. He commented, “she was just getting married for the first time at 43, so she did a lot of waiting…something that volcanoes also have to do to reveal themselves.”
I loved the part where he briefly mentioned his sister getting married for the first time at 43.

I guess my point is don't let your lava turn to stone. :)

Overwhelmed

I used to be so much better at this whole blogging thing. Although people do read my random thoughts on random topics- it really is just for me. And right now I need a vent session. Usually I put a link on Facebook because I like to get people's opinions on my thoughts- but this one I am just posting. So, I'm not sure if anyone will see it and that's fine with me.


I am beyond overwhelmed right now. It seems like no matter what I do- there is always something on my plate. So, this is a sort of 'checking-in' with myself to see how I can manage my life more effectively and without stress. I will divide my life into the following categories: Career, Emotional/ Spiritual Health, Physical Health, Finances & Relationships.

1. Career-Yes, I absolutely love what I do. Yes, I am incredibly blessed and fortunate to do what I do. I directed "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" at the beginning of May and it was a beautiful experience with some amazing kids. But sometimes, it becomes insanely overwhelming and difficult. Those of you who have been in theatre productions understand that it takes a village. Well, now imagine one person doing the work of at least five, in addition teaching classes, dealing with 'education legislation, common core, benchmarks' and whatever else new-fangled hoop I have to jump through. All while trying to maintain some semblance of sanity. At the end of the year it's hard not to just be done. But the catch is, I am already in planning and prep for next year. It never, ever ends. We also are getting new carpet at the school and I have to move all of the furniture and make room for this to happen. We have the awards this Saturday so I have to make sure we have everything ready to go for that. In addition, I am still the conference director for UACTT (the Utah Advisory Council of Theatre Teachers) and I am seriously in crunch time for all of that. Also, I am teaching two sessions of acting classes at the Hale Centre Theatre. When all is said and done- I will have about a two week summer break. (Those of you who think teachers relax during the summer are seriously misguided and uninformed...) My Career is threatening to overtake all aspects of my life. And lastly- the teenagers. Ok, so I do love them. But sometimes their intensity and center of the universe mentality is too much. Sometimes they forget I am human too. I understand for them that life right now is at a pinnacle- they are excited and scared for the future and they are trying to have the best time they can in high school. And they are apprehensive about the future. And in the midst of all of that is me. And I never leave. And I care... too much sometimes. I need to scale back a bit, but I don't know how. Plus, I am planning on starting my masters degree in the fall. (It's an online Arts Admin MA from SUU) I must be crazy, but it would be nice to have the pay increase. You know I pride myself on always being positive with the kids, but lately that's been hard too. I find myself getting short and negative because I am just so exhausted. I need some recovery time or else I'm not going to make it.
2. Emotional/Spiritual Health- Two years ago my life flipped upside down. Everything I felt strongly about was challenged or gone from my life. My heart was broken and I questioned everything I knew about how I communicate with the Spirit. It has been excruciatingly hard. However, throughout it all- there has been this constant and quiet pull toward things of a spiritual nature. And I know God loves me and has a plan for me. But, while I was going though all this- members of my family made life changing decisions regarding their spirituality. And all of a sudden I found myself feeling insanely alone, and yet I felt like Heavenly Father was with me. It was like it became my sister's mission to get me to leave my religion. That she had experienced some sort of 'enlightenment' and I was confused and in the dark. And although I respectfully disagree. It has been hard (luckily she seems to have given up for now.) She is also making some choices that I find to be completely abhorrent. And it has been heartbreaking to see the change in her. Sometimes I don't even recognize her. Oh well, she is confident in her choices and I have to release the need to have her actions affect me. Back to me- I feel like my emotional and spiritual health has taken a beating, but I am slowly trying to regain my footing and I feel like I have made some strides- but I have no where near the confidence that I used to have in this area. It's become harder to be happy. But, I try to take joy in the small things and remember how blessed I really am. One step at a time.
3. Physical Health- This is probably the worst area for me right now. I just can't seem to get a handle on things and part of me doesn't care. I'm the heaviest I've been in over 15 years (though I'm not quite to the heaviest I've ever been) I need to curb this. My clothes don't fit, I don't like how I feel- but I am lacking motivation. It's like I feel like giving a giant up yours to the world and just eating what I want. However, the only person I'm hurting is myself. I don't need to be the skinniest or fittest person- I just need to feel ok. And I don't and I hate it. It is HARD. I've had many attempts to get this under control. But my stress relief is sitting watching TV and eating. Bad combination- I know. I'm just tired of dieting, of counting calories but if I'm being honest- I've never been super diligent (at least in the past few years) with this, so how can I be tired of it? The ridiculous thing about physical health is it is so intertwined with emotional/spiritual health and that has been a huge stumbling block for me. 
4. Finances- I'm actually ok here. I'm so close to getting out of debt and I recently paid off my car! YAY! I'm looking forward to the day when I am debt free so I can travel again. I miss traveling so much.
5. Relationships- Awhile ago I accepted my fate as a single woman. I thought if this was to be my lot in life I am fine with it. I am fulfilled in many ways and lead a great life. However, very recently wedding photos and happy couples just leave me with a deep ache in my heart. Sure, it's easy to accept the forever single life- but when you see something you'll never have- it's heartbreaking. Realizing I will never get a wedding- I will never have someone choose me- I will never know what it feels like to be in a partnership- I will never have children- I will never have someone witness my life... Those sort of thoughts- facing those- it's hard. (Now, I'm not giving up all hope- I'm just trying to come to terms with my own reality and honestly I can't imagine how anything would change.) I feel very alone a lot of the time. I have a good family but there has been so much dissonance as of late. I have a few good friends but most are married and the single ones have lives of their own. Probably my most significant relationships right now are of the teacher/student kind which can be good- but do not fulfill what I need. I have been attending the mid singles ward for awhile, but it just overwhelms me and makes me feel more isolated because of the sheer size. Anyway, I always have the love of my dogs. It just makes me sad that no one can see me for who I really am, that no one chooses to be with me. Solitude is hard. Especially for a social person. Watching people fall in love and start families makes me want to punch someone.

So there you have it. Now what? Life goes on, I am constantly aging and tomorrow is a new day. What is my life becoming? How can I feel ok again? I'm not doing terribly, I'm just overwhelmed with my life right now and just want to curl into a ball and eat ice cream. Oh well.

Spring Break 2015!

This year found me once again on my yearly trek to Southern California with my students and my dear friend Sarah. Luckily this year was pretty drama free- no trip to the ER, no fainting students. Just a few students who don't understand the meaning of the word, curfew... Otherwise a super successful trip!

First stop was the Earl of Sandwich!

This place seriously makes my heart and tummy so happy!
The second day we spent most of the day in Disneyland. My students went to a workshop and it was so beneficial for them. I had the opportunity to see both the Theatre and Dance workshops and overall it was so neat for the kids to work with these professionals. It really is a priceless experience for them. Also, this year one of the English teachers from my school (Phaedra) came with us. She hadn't been since she was 9 years old so it was especially fun to experience the park through fresh eyes.

The next day we were mostly in California Adventure and I met up with my cousin Emily and her cute family to watch the Aladdin show. It was wonderful to see them! Also, Sarah and I bought and wore our matching Disney shirts!

 

 

 Emily and her adorable daughter, Maicie

 

The next day we went to the Santa Monica Pier and saw "Newsies" at the Pantages in LA. The beach was perfect and the show was amazing. I love being able to give my kids these experiences! My favorite was looking over at my students' faces during the show and seeing their permagrins and excitement.

 The 12 year old me was high-fiving the 36 year old me!

 How could you not just love these cute faces??

 Love the Art Deco style of the Pantages Theatre!

 

I truly am blessed to do what I do. And although it is a ton of work to put these trips together, it is worth it to see how much it means to the kids. I love them.

 

Personal Beliefs

Yesterday concluded General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, of which I am a member. The conference lasted over the space of two days- the first day I was on a bus traveling home with 100 students from Disneyland- so I didn't have the opportunity to listen to the conference.
However, I noticed something weird happening on my facebook feed that I would occasionally check. At the second session, the general authorities call for a sustaining vote, they also call if there are any opposed. In my 36 years of life I never recall anyone opposing. Well this time, I few did. And facebook blew up with commentary. People will yelling all sorts of THINGS to make a POINT! (Disclaimer: I have a love/hate relationship with social media particularly facebook. I love seeing what's going on in people's lives, the funny things they post, pictures of loved ones and adventures and I dont mind the occasional respectful debate. However, I HATE the spewing forth of words and opinions without regard to consequence. Although people are not anonymous, they still say things they probably wouldn't say to someone's face. Without physical cues, facial expressions, tone of voice- it is hard to ascertain someone's true intent. It just makes me sad how rude people can be at times.)
Yesterday my sister, who has left the Mormon church, posted a picture that called into question President Monson's claim to be a prophet seer and revelator. When I first saw it, I thought, oh no- here we go again. My sister is not one to back down from opinions- she is not one to hide- but, to her credit- I do feel for the most part she is respectful of beliefs other than her own. Sometimes she makes flippant comments, but because I KNOW HER, I know that she doesn't mean it in the way it could come across.
What followed after was a bit of a firestorm. And at the center of it all was her. Some people agreeing, but some people disagreeing. But what I found troubling was how much some attacked her for having her opinion. What good does that do people? How is that Christ-like behavior? Why is it that our immediate gut reaction is crazy defense without giving pause to the reason why people think the way they do?
I love my sister. I also love the gospel and do sustain President Monson as a prophet. I believe the church is true. She believes it is not. One day we will both know. Until then I will love her, disagree with her, respect her, laugh with her and thank my Heavenly Father that I have such an amazing, interesting, compassionate, thoughtful beautiful woman for a sister.
So, to my fellow believers, I know you feel you are merely standing up for what's right, but keep in mind that the way you stand up can produce way more harm than good. And when it comes right down to it, only you are responsible for your own salvation. We all have a different path to walk, we all have different experiences and we all are imperfect. So instead of attacking, respectfully disagree (which some people did) and then just love.
For the scriptures teach us,  "Judge not, that ye be not judged."- Matthew 7:1 and most importantly- "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."- John 13:34
So, please- think before you attack someone's beliefs- you would feel terrible if the same thing was done to you.