Overwhelmed

I used to be so much better at this whole blogging thing. Although people do read my random thoughts on random topics- it really is just for me. And right now I need a vent session. Usually I put a link on Facebook because I like to get people's opinions on my thoughts- but this one I am just posting. So, I'm not sure if anyone will see it and that's fine with me.


I am beyond overwhelmed right now. It seems like no matter what I do- there is always something on my plate. So, this is a sort of 'checking-in' with myself to see how I can manage my life more effectively and without stress. I will divide my life into the following categories: Career, Emotional/ Spiritual Health, Physical Health, Finances & Relationships.

1. Career-Yes, I absolutely love what I do. Yes, I am incredibly blessed and fortunate to do what I do. I directed "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" at the beginning of May and it was a beautiful experience with some amazing kids. But sometimes, it becomes insanely overwhelming and difficult. Those of you who have been in theatre productions understand that it takes a village. Well, now imagine one person doing the work of at least five, in addition teaching classes, dealing with 'education legislation, common core, benchmarks' and whatever else new-fangled hoop I have to jump through. All while trying to maintain some semblance of sanity. At the end of the year it's hard not to just be done. But the catch is, I am already in planning and prep for next year. It never, ever ends. We also are getting new carpet at the school and I have to move all of the furniture and make room for this to happen. We have the awards this Saturday so I have to make sure we have everything ready to go for that. In addition, I am still the conference director for UACTT (the Utah Advisory Council of Theatre Teachers) and I am seriously in crunch time for all of that. Also, I am teaching two sessions of acting classes at the Hale Centre Theatre. When all is said and done- I will have about a two week summer break. (Those of you who think teachers relax during the summer are seriously misguided and uninformed...) My Career is threatening to overtake all aspects of my life. And lastly- the teenagers. Ok, so I do love them. But sometimes their intensity and center of the universe mentality is too much. Sometimes they forget I am human too. I understand for them that life right now is at a pinnacle- they are excited and scared for the future and they are trying to have the best time they can in high school. And they are apprehensive about the future. And in the midst of all of that is me. And I never leave. And I care... too much sometimes. I need to scale back a bit, but I don't know how. Plus, I am planning on starting my masters degree in the fall. (It's an online Arts Admin MA from SUU) I must be crazy, but it would be nice to have the pay increase. You know I pride myself on always being positive with the kids, but lately that's been hard too. I find myself getting short and negative because I am just so exhausted. I need some recovery time or else I'm not going to make it.
2. Emotional/Spiritual Health- Two years ago my life flipped upside down. Everything I felt strongly about was challenged or gone from my life. My heart was broken and I questioned everything I knew about how I communicate with the Spirit. It has been excruciatingly hard. However, throughout it all- there has been this constant and quiet pull toward things of a spiritual nature. And I know God loves me and has a plan for me. But, while I was going though all this- members of my family made life changing decisions regarding their spirituality. And all of a sudden I found myself feeling insanely alone, and yet I felt like Heavenly Father was with me. It was like it became my sister's mission to get me to leave my religion. That she had experienced some sort of 'enlightenment' and I was confused and in the dark. And although I respectfully disagree. It has been hard (luckily she seems to have given up for now.) She is also making some choices that I find to be completely abhorrent. And it has been heartbreaking to see the change in her. Sometimes I don't even recognize her. Oh well, she is confident in her choices and I have to release the need to have her actions affect me. Back to me- I feel like my emotional and spiritual health has taken a beating, but I am slowly trying to regain my footing and I feel like I have made some strides- but I have no where near the confidence that I used to have in this area. It's become harder to be happy. But, I try to take joy in the small things and remember how blessed I really am. One step at a time.
3. Physical Health- This is probably the worst area for me right now. I just can't seem to get a handle on things and part of me doesn't care. I'm the heaviest I've been in over 15 years (though I'm not quite to the heaviest I've ever been) I need to curb this. My clothes don't fit, I don't like how I feel- but I am lacking motivation. It's like I feel like giving a giant up yours to the world and just eating what I want. However, the only person I'm hurting is myself. I don't need to be the skinniest or fittest person- I just need to feel ok. And I don't and I hate it. It is HARD. I've had many attempts to get this under control. But my stress relief is sitting watching TV and eating. Bad combination- I know. I'm just tired of dieting, of counting calories but if I'm being honest- I've never been super diligent (at least in the past few years) with this, so how can I be tired of it? The ridiculous thing about physical health is it is so intertwined with emotional/spiritual health and that has been a huge stumbling block for me. 
4. Finances- I'm actually ok here. I'm so close to getting out of debt and I recently paid off my car! YAY! I'm looking forward to the day when I am debt free so I can travel again. I miss traveling so much.
5. Relationships- Awhile ago I accepted my fate as a single woman. I thought if this was to be my lot in life I am fine with it. I am fulfilled in many ways and lead a great life. However, very recently wedding photos and happy couples just leave me with a deep ache in my heart. Sure, it's easy to accept the forever single life- but when you see something you'll never have- it's heartbreaking. Realizing I will never get a wedding- I will never have someone choose me- I will never know what it feels like to be in a partnership- I will never have children- I will never have someone witness my life... Those sort of thoughts- facing those- it's hard. (Now, I'm not giving up all hope- I'm just trying to come to terms with my own reality and honestly I can't imagine how anything would change.) I feel very alone a lot of the time. I have a good family but there has been so much dissonance as of late. I have a few good friends but most are married and the single ones have lives of their own. Probably my most significant relationships right now are of the teacher/student kind which can be good- but do not fulfill what I need. I have been attending the mid singles ward for awhile, but it just overwhelms me and makes me feel more isolated because of the sheer size. Anyway, I always have the love of my dogs. It just makes me sad that no one can see me for who I really am, that no one chooses to be with me. Solitude is hard. Especially for a social person. Watching people fall in love and start families makes me want to punch someone.

So there you have it. Now what? Life goes on, I am constantly aging and tomorrow is a new day. What is my life becoming? How can I feel ok again? I'm not doing terribly, I'm just overwhelmed with my life right now and just want to curl into a ball and eat ice cream. Oh well.