Why I do what I do.

So, I am now in the 2nd week of this school year and man is it hot! The above picture is the temperature in my classroom... I don't think I get paid nearly enough. They had installed air conditioning in the spring, but unfortunately it won't be working until mid October at the earliest.
But it's ok, because I really do love what I do.
I am also in the middle of the auditions for the musical. Monday and Tuesday were vocal/acting auditions and today was the dance auditions. I have a great new choreographer and I am excited to see her in action. As I was watching the kids learn and perform the dance routine, I took a moment to just let it all soak in. Watching their faces, seeing their interactions, laughing at their quirks.
I love the process of putting a show together- even though it is CRAZY stressful- it is all worth it. Auditions are hard because I know no matter what I do that feelings will be hurt. But, that's the name of the game. It is so hard for me to post a cast list. I put it on the door, then I go and hide because I can't bear to see the disappointed reactions.
But seeing the kids who are different, the kids who don't fit, the kids who are so amazingly talented, the kids who are sad, the kids who need a friend, the kids who just need to be lifted... that is why I do what I do.
So here's to an amazing new year!

Embracing the "Crazy"

Ladies, ladies, ladies. We are a crazy bunch. Do you ever have a time when you are having a crazy, irrational, emotional thought that you know makes no sense and yet it seems so real to you? So you ruminate and mull over the thought which sometimes leads to acting in a way that you normally would avoid. (And hormones certainly don't help- is it just me, or have you found that the older you get, the more your hormones are out of whack?)
I do. Not often, but when I do I am crazy. I get emotional, I make mountains out of molehills and I feel terrible.
I am crazy.
Last year I had a group of my male students come and ask me advice about girls. I listened to their stories, fascinated by the fact that their concerns were the same ones that still exist in my group of friends. (Wasn't I supposed to be older and wiser?) After they had finished, they all looked at me with eager anticipation for me to dispense my sage advice. This is what I said, "Women are crazy and Men are clueless."

Women are always thinking a million different thoughts.

Yep.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Dating...

So... yeah...
Why is it that it seems like everyone has success in dating but me? (I realize this isn't a true statement, but sometimes it feels that way.)  A few years ago the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" was all the rage. I had heard about it and wanted to read it. Luckily on Christmas morning my sister gave it me as a gift. After I unwrapped the present, she placed her hand lovingly on my knee and said, "Don't be offended, but I think you need this."
Recently I've been talking relationships a lot with my friends. Married, single, dating- pretty much everyone because I really want to figure this out. I've always hid behind the fat excuse. But fat people get married too! I have a friend who I worked with my first year at Valley. She was probably 350+ lbs but was actively dating on some LDS sites. That year she met and married her husband who didn't care about her size and now she lives in Idaho with her husband and super cute daughter. That was a huge realization for me. So what is it about me that broadcasts undateable? (Now, don't get me wrong, I am not depressed or sad that I am not dating, I am really just trying to figure it all out.)
Here is my classic story that has been true in almost all the situations where I like a guy... (There have been a few variations but it has basically been the same theme repeatedly.)
When I was a teenager I got it my mind that I wanted to marry my best friend. So every time I liked a guy, I made sure that he became my best friend. I never really learned how to flirt, and my meager attempts at flirtations are in a way, laughable. Anyway so here's the cycle...
I meet a guy, I think he is cute/interesting/a great potential Father to my children (just kidding about the last one...) So, depending on how brave I feel or whatever circumstances arise I get to know him. I am genuinely interested in him and what he has to say. I am usually pretty open and we laugh easily. Soon we are spending time together, and are learning even more about each other. I start thinking... yes! This is so fun and even though he isn't putting the moves on me, it's obvious he likes me because he is spending so much time with me. Then the reality sinks in a variety of ways- he tells me about another girl he is interested in and wants advice, we end up talking about 'us' and we have the dreaded 'just friends' talk or he realizes that I am interested in him and starts acting aloof. Or he tells me he is gay. And I end up alone, crying into the darkness and wondering what in the world I could've done differently, how I could have been so blind, and why in the world the pattern has repeated yet again.
So...yeah...
Yesterday I started reading the book "Love in 90 days". It talks about how if we were looking for employment we put all our energy and resources into finding a job. And yet, when it comes to love, we seem to take the mentality that love will find us. And so we live our lives, but don't really put forth much effort into making things happen for ourselves. I thought that was pretty interesting.
A year and a half ago I "graduated" from the singles ward. I've tried the online dating thing a few times but have never found success or interest. It has become so easy to adopt the mentality that I am just going to live my life and be happy and the Lord will provide. And if I need to do something different that Heavenly Father will guide me. Oh, and I am really sick of being sad and feeling rejected. Oh, and I have a lot of fear.
So... yeah...
In the book I am reading it talks about joining social groups to meet men, effective online dating and how to avoid deadly dating traps. (By the way if anyone is interested I fall into the following deadly traps: Just Buddies Trap and Jealousy Trap.) The book has overwhelmed me. It is A LOT of work! It talks about where you want to be in five years... ten years... fifteen years. My biggest fear is that I will be a cat lady living all alone, never knowing what it means to have someone love me.
Anyway, I guess my point is- what worked for you? What is your dating advice? I sincerely don't even know where to begin. It's so interesting to teach high school and watch teenage dating in full swing. IT'S SO SIMPLE. When did it become so complicated?
Anyway, if you have any words of wisdom, please let me know.
So... yeah...

My other love...

is baking and cooking. I love it! I love it when I find a new recipe and I share it with my friends and family! I love the looks on their faces and the "Mmmmmm" that inevitably escapes from their lips!
So, I would like to share with you THREE, yes THREE of my top/favorite recipes!They are: (drum roll please...)

Key Lime Mousse Pie
Caramelized Onion, Mushroom and Gruyere Quiche
&
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cake

Guaranteed to make your friends and family grateful that they know you!

Key Lime Mousse Pie

Crust:
2 cups ground gingersnap cookies (abt. 38 cookies)
2 tablespoons sugar
5 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted

Filling:
6 tablespoons Key Lime Juice or fresh lime juice
1 envelope unflavored gelatin
2 1/2 cups chilled heavy whipping cream
9 oz. good-quality white chocolate
3 8 oz packages cream cheese, room temperature
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 tablespoons grated lime zest

For Crust: Combine ground cookies and sugar in a food processor. Add melted butter and process until moist clumps form. Press mixture into bottom and 1 inch up sides of a 10 inch spring form pan.

For Filling: Place lime juice in a bowl and add gelatin, mix together with a fork and set aside. Bring 1/2 cup cream to simmer in a medium saucepan. Remove from heat and add chocolate. Stir mixture until chocolate is melted and smooth, then stir in gelatin mixture. Cool slightly. Using electric mixer, beat cream cheese, sugar and lime zest in a large bowl. Slowly beat in white chocolate mixture.

Using clean, dry beater, beat remaining 2 cups heavy whipping cream in another large bowl until peaks form. Fold whipping cream into white chocolate mixture. Pour filling into prepared crust. Cover and refrigerate overnight. THEN ENJOY!

Caramelized Onion, Mushroom and Gruyere Quiche

Crust:
Cooking spray
3/4 cup rolled oats
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons cold, unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
3 tablespoons cold, lowfat buttermilk

Filling:
4 teaspoons olive oil
1 large onion, sliced thinly into half moons
8 ounces sliced mixed mushrooms, such as cremini, oyster, shiitake
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon dry mustard
1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme leaves (or 1 teaspoon dry)
3 large eggs
3 egg whites
1 cup evaporated fat-free milk (not condensed milk)
2/3 cup grated Gruyere cheese (about 1-ounce)

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F. Spray a 9-inch pie dish with cooking spray.
To prepare the crust, put the oats, flour and salt in the bowl of a food processor and pulse 3 times to combine. Add the butter and pulse about 12 times, until you get a pebbly course texture. Add the buttermilk and pulse 3 to 5 times more to combine. Form the mixture into a ball and place it between 2 large pieces of waxed paper. Roll out into a circle about 10 inches in diameter.

Remove the top sheet of waxed paper. Transfer the crust, still on the other piece of waxed paper to the pie dish, then remove the waxed paper from the top. Press the crust gently into the dish. Bake for 9 minutes, then let cool.

To prepare the filling, heat 2 teaspoons of oil in a large nonstick pan over a medium-low heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until golden brown and caramelized, about 20 minutes. Transfer the onions to a bowl. Add the remaining 2 teaspoons of oil to the pan and heat over a medium-high heat. Add the mushrooms and cook, stirring occasionally, until they have released their water and begin to brown, about 6 minutes. Add the onions back to the pan, stir in the salt, pepper, mustard and thyme.

In a medium bowl whisk together the eggs, egg whites and evaporated milk.

Sprinkle the cheese into the pie crust. Top with the mushroom-onion mixture and pour the egg mixture on top. Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees F. Bake for 35 minutes or until knife inserted in the middle comes out clean. Let stand for 5 minutes before cutting into 6 wedges and serving.

VARIATION: For those who HATE mushrooms (you know who you are) simply substitute bacon for the mushrooms!

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cake

Cake:
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 1/2 cups sugar
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, preferably Dutch process
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup neutral vegetable oil, such as canola, soybean or vegetable blend
1 cup sour cream
1 1/2 cups water
2 tablespoons distilled white vinegar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 eggs

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter the bottoms and sides of three 8-inch round cakepans. Line the bottom of each pan with a round of parchment or waxed paper and butter the paper.

Sift the flour, sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt into a large bowl. Whisk to combine them well. Add the oil and sour cream and whisk to blend. Gradually beat in the water. Blend in the vinegar and vanilla. Whisk in the eggs and beat until well blended. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and be sure the batter is well mixed. Divide among the 3 prepared cake pans. Bake for 30- 35 minutes. (These cakes are very, very soft. I found them a lot easier to work with after firming them up in the freezer for 30 minutes. They’ll defrost quickly once assembled. You’ll be glad you did this, trust me.)

To frost the cake, place one layer, flat side up, on a cake stand or large serving plate. Spread 2/3 cup cup of the Peanut Butter Frosting evenly over the top. Repeat with the next layer. Place the last layer on top and frost the top and sides of the cake with the remaining frosting. (Once the cake is fully frosted, it helps to chill it again and let it firm up. The cooler and more set the peanut butter frosting is, the better drip effect you’ll get from the Chocolate-Peanut Butter Glaze.)

To decorate with the Chocolate–Peanut Butter Glaze, put the cake plate on a large baking sheet to catch any drips. Simply pour the glaze over the top of the cake, and using an offset spatula, spread it evenly over the top just to the edges so that it runs down the sides of the cake in long drips. Refrigerate, uncovered, for at least 30 minutes to allow the glaze and frosting to set completely. Remove about 1 hour before serving.

Peanut Butter Frosting:
Makes about 5 cups
10 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
1 stick (4 ounces) unsalted butter, at room temperature
5 cups confectioners’ sugar, sifted
2/3 cup smooth peanut butter, preferably a commercial brand (because oil doesn’t separate out)

In a large bowl with an electric mixer, beat the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy. Gradually add the confectioners’ sugar 1 cup at a time, mixing thoroughly after each addition and scraping down the sides of the bowl often. Continue to beat on medium speed until light and fluffy, 3 to 4 minutes.
Add the peanut butter and beat until thoroughly blended.

Chocolate-Peanut Butter Glaze:
Makes about 1 1/2 cups
8 ounces semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
3 tablespoons smooth peanut butter
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1/2 cup half-and-half

In the top of a double boiler or in a bowl set over simmering water, combine the chocolate, peanut butter, and corn syrup. Cook, whisking often, until the chocolate is melted and the mixture is smooth.
Remove from the heat and whisk in the half-and-half, beating until smooth. Use while still warm.

THE FINISHED PRODUCT!!
Enjoy these recipes... and you're welcome!

You're Kind of a Big Deal

Sometimes I look at the world around me and get overwhelmed by all the negativity. There is so much hate, disrespect, selfishness, the list goes on and on. People are belittled, cut down, made to feel so small and insignificant. And why? Just so someone else can feel selfishly better. People, we are not in a giant competition to crown the winner of life. We are all here with our strengths and weaknesses, all good at different things with different talents...
Which brings me to my personal philosophy- everytime I think a positive thought, have a fond memory about someone or find something to admire in someone I share it with them. However insignificant or corny it may be. And I will tell you first hand that those positive thoughts have the power to change the world.
Now, I am not perfect I'm this, sometimes I am witch and sometimes I can be uncaring. But overall I try really hard to live by this philosophy. It is so much more powerful to build than to tear. And by doing this, I believe we can change the world. Because we all need to be reminded that we are amazing and really are kind of a big deal!

Why I love Snape

Now, if you haven't read or seen all of the Harry Potter series then I suggest you stop reading right now- RUN to your nearest library and devour the books.

A few words about Snape- he is unlikable, cold, unattractive, and basically an all around bad guy. There was still something about him that intrigued me.

Even when Snape killed Dumbledore at the end of book 6, I still didn't believe he was as evil as he appeared. There always seemed to be more to his story and his character.

"Alan Rickman as Severus Snape: Probably the most fascinating figure in the Potter world because of his shifting alliances and an emotional depth that's unexpected given his icy demeanor. Rickman is captivating in the role, with his droll, deadpan delivery that oozes condescending menace. A half-blood wizard, Snape has been a minion of the evil Lord Voldemort as well as an ally of Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore. He's served as the intimidating Defense Against the Dark Arts professor and eventually headmaster himself but he's also been a protector of Harry. Snape bullies his students but he also reveals his bravery, and in this final film, a flashback that explains his history with the young wizard provides one of its most poignant scenes.-By CHRISTY LEMIRE, AP Movie Critic

Yes, Snape is not the most sympathetic character. He did some very dark things. But, in the end, love motivated everything that he did. Lily Potter was his best friend and  in the end he sacrificed everything for her son. He did everything for her. He experienced unrequited love. A love that is very one-sided and can often leave those who feel those feelings alone and in despair. But, no matter, he still loved her. And his final actions exemplified his love. He could've let the fact that Lily chose James over him motivate him to ruin her family and her. He could've really been Voldemort's right hand man. Instead he sacrificed himself for a love that would never be reciprocated...


"I – I come with a warning – no, a request – please – ”

“The – the prophecy … the prediction … Trelawney …”

“Everything – everything I heard!” said Snape. “That is why – it is for that reason – he thinks it means Lily Evans!”

“You know what I mean! He thinks it means her son, he is going to hunt her down – kill them all – ”

~~~

“I have – I have asked him – ”

“You disgust me,” said Dumbledore, and Harry had never heard so much contempt in his voice. Snape seemed to shrink a little, “You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die, as long as you have what you want?”

Snape said nothing, but merely looked up at Dumbledore.

“Hide them all, then,” he croaked. “Keep her – them – safe. Please.”

“And what will you give me in return, Severus?”

“In – in return?” Snape gaped at Dumbledore, and Harry expected him to protest, but after a long moment he said, “Anything.”

~~~

The hilltop faded, and Harry stood in Dumbledore’s office, and something was making a terrible sound, like a wounded animal. Snape was slumped forward in a chair and Dumbledore was standing over him, looking grim.

“I thought … you were going … to keep her … safe …”

“DON’T!” bellowed Snape. “Gone … dead …”

“I wish … I wish I were dead …”

“What – what do you mean?”

“He does not need protection. The Dark Lord has gone – ”

There was a long pause, and slowly Snape regained control of himself, mastered his own breathing. At last he said, “Very well. Very well. But never – never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear … especially Potter’s son … I want your word!” 

Some may argue that Snape was selfish and a coward. Perhaps this is true. But isn't that true at times of even the best of us? I just love how his story ends. I love the unlikely, unlovable hero.

Beauty

So, like the rest of the world I am somewhat enamored with William and Kate. I also love fashion, but I dislike how most fashion icons are immodest. Not Kate. I realize it may have something to do with her royal title, but I think it is setting a new standard for beauty. In a world that thinks these dresses are the standard for beautiful (And I admit they are pretty, but show way too much skin-)

Then enter Kate-

Classy and beautiful. I love it.

Seems to be my lot in life

This post is just for me. I may eventually publish it, but right now it is just for me.
True love is selfless, true love is trusting, true love is wanting them to be happy. Even if it means letting them go.

In the movie, "My Best Friend's" Wedding there is a scene at the end where the happy couple is leaving and Julia Roberts is lost in the crowd and she is trying to get to her best friend to say goodbye. Then he appears out of nowhere, embraces her, and then leaves her alone.

That girl is me. The girl who is always saying goodbye. The girl who makes sure that everyone feels loved.

I remember when my best friend from high school got married. When I got home from my mission, he was dating the girl that eventually became his wife. I knew he was going to marry her the moment I met her. She was just perfect for him. I remember being in the Temple with them, helping decorate their car at the reception, and bidding them goodbye when they drove away. I also was in love with my best friend for six years. And even in that moment, a part of me still loved him. But, I knew I was not the right choice for him and I loved the choice he had made. Part of me still loves him. He was my best friend.

I am so sick of having to learn this lesson over and over and over again. I just keep hoping that someday someone will choose me. Someone who is the absolute best for me. Someone who will be so ecstatic that we are together.

So, I won't tell you how much I love you and how much I want to be the one you choose. Instead I will give my blessing to you. Instead I watch you choose someone else. And I am happy for your happiness. And I realize it's still so preliminary, but I think it's just a sign for things to come.

I've known you forever, and I figure if you wanted me, you would've chosen me by now.

So, no matter what, I know I will be ok. And I am beyond grateful for your friendship. You have been a rock in my life, you have done so much for me and I will always love you. And I will always have your back.

A place to crash, I got you
No need to ask, I got you
Just get on the phone, I got you
Come and pick you up if I have to.

What's weird about it
We're right at the end
Ain't mad about it
Just figured out in my head
I'm proud to say- I got you.

Go ahead and say goodbye
I'll be alright 
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better or worse
I got you.


Ain't falling apart or bitter
Let's be bigger than that and remember
The cooling outdoor when you're all alone
Won't survive it, no drama, no need for a show
Just wanna say I got you.


Go ahead and say goodbye
I'll be alright 
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better or worse
I got you.

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know

Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better, for worse I got you

A place to crash, I got you
No need to ask, I got you
-Leona Lewis "I Got You"


I'll be alright.

Intertwined

Walking along the path of life, two friends meet. Deciding to no longer walk alone, they join for a moment. And in that moment a lifetime passes. They eventually part, promising to keep in touch but not sure how to do it. They walk alone again, carrying the memory of the friend, forever changed. They meet another and another and another... each person bringing them a little bit of who they are. Some lift, some hurt, some leave, some stay.

Chance?

Kindness. Understanding.

Each person I've met has left a bit of them with me. For this I am grateful. Grateful for the kindred spirits, the ones who have tossed me aside, the ones who have humored me, the ones who have hurt me, the ones who have believed in me, the ones who have held me, the ones who have left me, the ones who I have let down, the ones who have trusted me, the ones who have danced with me, the ones who have changed me...       You and I.

Musings at One A.M.

In the mood to write. But I am unsure of what this post will become, so enjoy the journey.
I just saw the movie "Midnight in Paris" and loved it. Loved it. I loved revisiting the beautiful sights of Paris and the witty dialogue throughout the movie.
I am an incurable romantic.
I am mystified by love. I am fascinated by how love moves and defines people. I marvel at how people will move mountains for love.
I sometimes feel like I am an observer (more than a participant) of the human experience. I am constantly watching how people interact and noticing the intricacies of life. Then I bring those observations to my students, because when it comes right down to it- EVERYTHING is driven by emotion, and the most powerful emotions are love and hate (the absence of love), ergo everything is driven by love.
Which brings me back to the romantic in me. Last week my friend read my palm. Now, I am not sure if I am a believer in that sort of thing, but I believe most things are based in truth. She said some rather generic things, but also some things that hit home for me. Upon reading my palm, a sad look crossed her face for a moment when she said, "Oh you have a lot of heartbreak." I simply nodded and shrugged.
Heartbreak. The story of this particular romantic.
Some people, when they have their hearts broken, build an impenetrable wall that no one would even dare enter. Not me. The wall around my heart is more like an unassuming hedge with flowers on it. People can come and go as they please. But, I still love them all. Sometimes I try to build a wall, but I find it is too hard for me. And so I just love. And, yes, my heart becomes broken. But every time there is someone that helps it to heal. And so my poor little mended heart continues to beat. And I continue to wonder how one finds love. The love the poets, songwriters, and playwrights felt.
Or is love just life?

"Everybody hurts just a little too much
Everybody hurts but it’s never enough
It’s wonderful to fall
It’s worth of risking all
Even if it hurts just a little too much
I’d rather love just a little too much…"

-Natasha Bedingfield

I often wonder why I have this capacity to love when love itself seems to have eluded me. What would it be like to have someone want to move mountains for me? I wonder. And I wonder if this is merely wishful thinking that has been spoon fed to me my whole life through stories... And yet, those stories had to be based in some sort of reality?
I would much rather love with all my heart and have it broken then never love at all. 
Besides, I love to love. Love in all forms. It's just who I am.