What do we hope for?

Another month comes and goes as October 2010 will soon be history.
About a month ago, I had a major relationship in my life change significantly. And although I wish this person the best, I am still trying to figure out how I feel about all of it.
"Where do we go from here? This isn't where I intended to be. 
We had it all, you believed in me, I believed in you...
Deep in my heart I'm concealing 
Things that I'm longing to say-
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away."
This person is now for all intents and purposes no longer in my life. We never talk, we never see each other. And although I think it was all for the best- I am still having a hard time with it. It didn't end well. Although it ended civilly... It isn't hard for me to get over being angry, it isn't hard for me to forgive, but it is excruciatingly hard to let go of people when I love them. Especially when I still long to have a connection with them. I don't know how to know when the time comes to truly give up hope. I am an eternal optimist, I have lived my life in such a way where I always try to find the silver lining, even in the darkest of times.
"Look for the silver lining- Whenever clouds appear in the gloom.
Remember somewhere the sun is shining-
And so the right thing to do is make it shine for you.
A heart full of joy and gladness- will always banish sadness and strife.
But always look for the silver lining-
And then you'll find the sunny side of life."
Is it time to realize the gloom isn't going away and is it time maybe to find a different piece of sky...
"It all began the day I found that from my window I could only see a piece of sky-
I stepped outside and looked around, I never dreamed it was so wide or even half as high-
The time has come- to try my wings
And even though it seems at any moment I could fall.
I felt the most amazing things, the things you can't imagine if you've never flown at all.
Though it's safer to stay on the ground, sometimes where danger lies, there the sweetest of pleasures are found.
No matter where I go they'll be memories that tug at my sleeve...
Oh tell me where...
Where is the someone who will turn to look at me
And want to share my every sweet imagined possibility...
The more I live, the more I learn, the more I learn, the more I realize- the less I know.
Each step I take, each page I turn, each mile I travel only means the more I have to go-
What's wrong with wanting more?
If you can fly then soar!"
What do I hope for? What can I hope for? Goodbye to my dear friend. Goodbye to the moment. Goodbye to the expectation, goodbye to the possibility.
Hello to the Unknown...
Still I have Hope- always Hope...
But maybe it needs to be Hope for something new.

Two Years!

Halloween marks the two year anniversary of my blog! So Happy Anniversary blog! We've shared some funny stories, insights and a lot of memories.

It's amazing how fast two years can fly by- how so much can happen and yet so much remains familiar.

This Halloween has been rather uneventful for me. Because of working on the musical, I was unable to make my yearly trek to Disney World for "Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party". And as a result, it just hasn't felt like Halloween this year. Oh well. To celebrate, I will be taking my nieces out trick or treating, and that will be fun.

Speaking of my musical, I am a little over two weeks until my production dates!!!! If I think about everything I have to do, I want to get into the fetal position, climb under the covers and never leave my bed because it is so overwhelming. So I just have to take it all one day at a time.

I am really proud of the kids, they are doing a great job! I really hope that it will be a fantastic show- it has the potential to be amazing! It's just crunch time. I knew that taking the high school job would mean taking more of my time. I had a day a few weeks ago when I got to school at 6 am and left at 8:30 pm. I think the next two weeks will be reminiscent of that... sigh... it's fun, but I need to have balance.

I need to make sure that I have a life outside of school. I have a few close friends I do things with, but other than that- not much of a social life. I am no longer in the singles ward, I am debating going to the older singles ward, and I have a hard time meeting new people who are older than high school age. I don't really care about dating, but it would be nice to make some new friends so I can have people to do things with on a random weekend. I think that's one of the hardest things about remaining single. The fact that you are always in the position where you have to constantly be meeting new people and make new connections so you are not lonely. It never ends. And you spend a lot of evenings alone. Which can be nice at times, but also... well, lonely.

So, two years. I've given up trying to predict or look toward future events. It's just too hard when things fall so short of expectations. And yet, I have amazing experiences all the time, just not necessarily what I would've chosen for myself. But, nevertheless, experiences that help me to grow, that humble me, that allow me to meet amazing people and hopefully make me a better person.

Oh and here is the random X-works episode for Halloween, it is goofy!

Who You Are

Why is it that sometimes happiness seems so elusive? Like some far off pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. We can see the rainbow, but we can't seem to find the end of it. And so we search, in vain- sometimes in circles seeking for something that we never seem to find.

Perhaps we are searching for the wrong thing?

Ask yourself what does it mean to be happy? What does happiness look like? Feel like?

Oh to be a child again when happiness was a simple as playing with friends. Laughing at a joke. Feeling loved and secure. Marveling at the beauty around you. Learning about life and Jesus.

Is it so different now?

I think happiness is a quiet assurance of who we are. Learning to exercise faith, trusting that things will be fine. Finding joy in everyday moments. The things that are truly awesome. Not forgetting. Realizing that happiness is not the pot of gold, it is the journey.


“Some people can’t get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential.” -Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

We Love You Conrad!

Oh yes we do-ooo we love you Conrad and we'll be true...
It's stuck in my head, already and I haven't even started rehearsals yet...

I am very excited for my upcoming production of "Bye Bye Birdie"- mark your calendars for Nov 18, 19, 20 & 22nd! Casting a show is always such and interesting process. Especially when you don't have any previous bias. Three of my leads actually were my 2nd choice, but I am confident that they will do a great job.

So, I have now been a teacher at Hunter High for 2 weeks. I finally got X-works up and running and I have stopped feeling like I am going to run into old friends. I am getting used to the idea that I am a teacher, not a student. The kids have been great! I was worried that there would be an awkward transition, but they have welcomed me with open arms and laugh at all my mediocre jokes! Yep, life is good. I like that the kids in high school are more self-motivated, have less fears and show a little more maturity. But, I do miss my cute little jr. high students. I am glad I had the opportunity to spend a few years in the jr. high- they were definitley precious to me.

I am also living in a new apartment and we are still getting settled. I really like the place and it only takes me about 20 minutes to get to work. So, life is good.

Still having a hard time being too old to be young and too young to be old. I no longer can go to the YSA wards, so I am debating between the 31+ singles ward or the family ward... where do I fit?

Vote for Toren!

This is my former student Toren. He is an amazing pianist and has entered a Jon Schmidt contest on you tube and he needs people to view his video. Please help support Toren and view his video! Thanks a bunch!

The breath before the storm

I went to the High School today. Wow, I am overwhelmed. I have so much work to do before school starts in (gulp) TWO WEEKS!!! Walking into the classroom was surreal, I felt like my old friends from high school would pop in at any moment. I need to rearrange the room and make it look different, I need to make it my own. So, I need some strong friends to come and help me move heavy bookshelves... any volunteers?
But, before all THAT I went to Orlando for a much needed vacation with my friend, Toffer. We stayed with Ben, Luana and my adorable nephew- Elliott. I also got to see my old mission comp, Aimee Olsen and her two daughters, Megan and Madison. In addition I saw some old friends, Andrea and Adam Daveline, Mallori Evans and Scott Myler. It was a ton of fun! But, I don't think I will ever go to Florida again in the middle of summer- too hot and humid for me! Here are some highlights-

Ben & Luana at the Eal of Sandwich for our first dinner in Orlando

YAY! The Earl of Sandwich!!

Toffer & I with the Lego Tourist family in Downtown Disney

Elliott!

We went on the "Behind the Seeds" tour at Epcot which was a guided tour of their amazing greenhouses. Toffer is a horticulture major, so it was super fun to see him in his element!

Me, enjoying the amazing Bavarian cheesecake at the Biergarten!

Luana making Elliott laugh!

Toffer and I amongst the upper crust!

Ben & Toffer attempting to be warriors...

Luana & I showing them how it is done!

Toffer holding some seaweed in Japan

Me- imitating him :)

Toffer- my favorite viking!!

Hanging out in Norway

At the Animal Kingdom

Mallori our super safari guide!

Toffer was chosen to help with the warthog section in the show "Festival of the Lion King"!

And gained an admirer (she kept flirting with him during the whole show, it was adorable!)

The Magical family at the Magic Kingdom!

Luana, Ben & Toffer riding the tea cups

Me, spending time with Elliott

I love this little guy!

The Haunted Mansion!

Toffer & I at the castle

I saw the Main Street Electrical Parade- so cool!

Don't you just love this face?

The infamous KITCHEN SINK!!

Toy Story Mania!

The Incredible Parkes Family!

And, of course- I had to end my trip with the ROCKIN' ROLLERCOASTER!!

Thanks to Ben & Luana! It was a much needed breath before the storm. And thanks to Toff for coming and having fun with me, I am grateful to have such an awesome friend. :)
Here's to the storm! (Pray for my sanity!)

Old Spice

I came across this on you tube. It is the Old Spice Guy answering twitter questions- HILARIOUS!!

Right place... right time...

The end of summer is looming which brings me so many changes. I have the rest of this week, then about 2 weeks of travel (a theatre teacher conference, then a long over due trip to Orlando to visit Ben's family), setting up the new classroom, West Yellowstone for the last time this summer, moving to a new apartment, then school begins... Whew it makes me tired just thinking about it.

Today we signed a new lease for an apartment in Ft. Union area right in the center of Salt Lake Valley. (It's a great location because it gives each of us a 20 min commute to our various places in the valley). I will be living with my friend Charron and again with the best roomie ever, Amy! Seriously I am so excited to live with this girl again, it's been FIVE years since our tetris block beds in Greenbrier where we practically slept on top of each other! My last semester in college... doesn't seem so long ago and yet a lifetime has passed.

Being in the right place at the right time. Sometimes I wonder if I really do have the faith to allow the Lord to guide me in my life. Knowing if I have trust and believe that I will be in the right place at the right time... I've been living at home with the parental units since the end of April. It has been nice to not pay rent and spend some time with them, but I feel like I have been spinning my wheels a bit. I am ready for my new adventure, I am ready to keep progressing- I am ready to discover the why behind being in the right place at the right time. Why I am guided where I must go; what is in store?

I have also decided to go to grad school. Right now I am working out the details and trying to find a program that will work for me with my teaching schedule and that won't cost me too much money! I'd really like to eventually be a professor and so I'd better start working toward that goal.

Watch out world! I pray that I will be in the right place at the right time.

My Favorite Song, Always

I love music. I love to sing and I love discovering new composers. Last year I discovered Scott Alan, his songs speak directly to my heart. My favorite song is entitled "Always" from the CD "Keys" sung by Sutton Foster. It is the most played song on I-tunes with 117 plays (out of 5,176 songs). I have included the video that features the song, first is a song called "The Dress" and then is "Always"- enjoy! The song starts at 2:36

If there are times you are feeling weak-

Lie next to me, I'll hold you till you fall asleep.

At any time of day, there's nothing to explain-

I'm always on your side.

Hold onto me-

I'll steal you from the hardest days.

Don't be afraid,

You have me here to guide your ways.

Through storms I will be here-

I will not disapear-

I'm always by your side.

Always-

And on my heart-

I promise I will see you through.

When pain arrives-

I'll be right here to hold onto.

With laughter and with prayer-

I promise I'll be there.

Always by your side.

At any time of day-

There's nothing to explain-

I'm always on your side.

Can't sleep- too many thoughts!

I just killed a massive spider that was on my wall. I normally don't kill spiders, I just look at them and ask them to please remove themselves from my sight- but this one was huge. Now I feel a little bit of remorse...

It is 12:10 am and my head is swimming with a lot of different thoughts that I don't want to forget. So, I got myself out of bed and now I am writing this blog about my thoughts.

Summer is a great time- I don't do a whole heck of a lot- so as a result I do WAY too much thinking. It's no secret that leaving my job at Valley has been especially hard for me. Even though it's nice to have a break, there is a part of me that wants to already be at Hunter so I can just jump into the thick of things. Today, Kirsten, the gal who is taking my job called and left me a message asking about my program and such. I am going to call her back tomorrow. By the way, I am so glad they hired her, she was my #1 choice. She is a spunky graduate fresh from BYU and I think the kids will love her.
Anyway, I pulled out my yearbook and read some of the things that the kids wrote and cried like a baby. How did I get to be so blessed to be doing what I do? One of my students, Jami- wrote me a very touching letter- "First off, I would like to thank you... about a million times over. You have done so much magnificent and amazing things for this school. You are one of those teachers that make a difference in a student's life. Even if it's someone simply putting a smile on their face at one point during the day, it makes a difference, and that would be you.
I know of countless students who absolutely love and adore, and I just so happen to be one of them. You have taught me to take chance, to take risks and to put myself out there. You have shown me that actually putting my best foot forward, can lead me to my own path of success.
Having you as a teacher for both seventh and eighth grade in fact was an honor on my part. You're merely perfect for the job of a drama teacher. For you know exactly how to break kids out of their shell and show themselves in an entirely new aspect. Once again, I just so happen to be one of those kids.
I cannot put into words how heartrending it is to see you leave, but how enlivening and proud I am to see you be given an opportunity like this. I hope you know I wish you the absolute best and that your career continues in the path it's traveling.
You have truly changed my life and taught many things I never knew before. Please don't forget that you have a student here that will always be using what you taught her for her future, because she will never forget someone like you.
Teaching has made me realize the power that everyone possesses to influence others. Yes, I am a teacher and therefor I am in close proximity to teens... but we all have opportunities to teach and lift each other. It is my hope and prayer that people take the precious opportunity to do this- to lift others, to help them realize their potential. We have such a power as human beings to make an impact on each other (but it up to us whether it be positive or negative.) It is my prayer that mine will be positive.

I also spent some time recently with some old friends from high school who have made drastically different life choices from my own. We had a great time laughing and reminiscing. They joked about trying to corrupt me, but were sure that by so doing they would earn a lower spot in heaven. ;) Anyway, even though it was fun, it just made me so grateful for the choices that I have made. My choices haven't always been easy, and there have been many times I just want to throw in the towel so to speak. But, oh how it is all worth it! And I realized something- I am in the right place and the right time for me. I am precisely where the Lord would have me be, it is now just up to me to seek His will and do it!

And that my friends is all for now- so hopefully now I will be able to get some sleep. Thanks for reading!