This morning I had the opportunity to do hair for my cute friend and former student Mara as she heads off to a day of wedding fun for her former mission companion. I got done pretty early and so we had a chance to chat and catch up. For Mara, she is in the thick of the years of Mormon weddings (especially in Utah) and it can be a hard time for the single girl. I remember being in my early twenties and just having a stock pile of wedding gifts in my bedroom for the receptions that seemed to happen every weekend. I remember going to the weddings and thinking what I would do differently. I remember judging the wedding dresses as I formulated the perfect dress in my mind. I remember the years passing and trends changing and weddings becoming less and the increase of baby showers, the divorces, the baptisms, the weddings of my “older” friends. I witnessed it all- and remained single.
One of the central tenents of the LDS faith is eternal families. Which is awesome and beautiful but isn’t always the reality for everyone. And when you don’t fit the ‘mold’ you can feel discouraged and like there is something wrong with you. Why does it seem like everyone around you finding their happy every after except you? It hurts and it’s hard- especially when in your heart you have the righteous desire to take that leap of faith into marriage. It can be hard to keep bitterness at bay and it is hard to not compare yourself to friends.
In January I will celebrate my 40th birthday- never in a million years would I have thought I would still be single at this age. I’ve learned a few things over the past 20+ years of being a single LDS girl.
1-Don’t compare your timeline to anyone else
Look, it is so easy to compare yourself to everyone around you. Especially when they seem to be getting everything you want. It’s super hard and it sucks. But, guess what? There is no right time to do anything once you’re and adult. Growing up there are milestone ages (kindergarten at age 5, baptism at 8, young women’s at 12, dating at 16, graduation at 18, mission at 19...) but once you can rent a car at 25 (that’s when I officially call you an adult) you have run out of those specific milestones that are associated with age. At what age do you get married? Graduate college? Move away? Have babies? There is no set timeline, so don’t worry about it. Instead just set goals and work toward them. Don’t get stuck in the trap of comparison- you will always lose. I have learned that events in life happen when they are supposed to and I am so grateful. The experiences on my timeline have made me into the person I am today and I am pretty amazing.
2- Get an Education
First off- college is an incredible experience and I highly recommend it to everyone. You learn so many important things about yourself and develop life skills that you will carry with you when you leave. You cultivate lasting relationships and friendships and you learn who you are. In addition, your mind is opened to so many possibilities as you pursue future goals. You have little control over your timeline for marriage, but you do have control over whether you get an education or not. You never know what the future may hold and you need an education. Plus, education opens your mind to new ideas and people and experiences and makes you feel less alone. Don’t pass up this opportunity.
3- Accept love as it is presented to you
This is something that I have recently adopted as one of my mantras. We live in a culture that idolizes romantic love. But when you are someone who lacks romantic love, you can feel broken and like you’re missing a basic need in life. It can be very lonely and desperate at times. I’ve gone years without romance in my life and it’s hard not to look at loving couples without envy. But this is what I’ve learned- again- don’t compare your experiences to anyone else’s. When you are around a loving couple (especially on their wedding day) just bask in the glory of love. It’s a celebration- so celebrate that you get to feel an extension of that love! Don’t be sad that it isn’t you- just be happy you get to be a part of it! It’s ok to feel that pang in your heart because you’re alone (that means your hope is still alive and that’s a good thing) but don’t focus on it- it does you no good.
Start looking for all the other ways you are loved and allow yourself to feel, embrace and accept that love. Over the years I have had many students who have loved me and I have loved them. I may not have my own children, but I have hundreds of students who have become like children to me and
who have grown my heart. Over the years I’ve celebrated with them, cried with them, counseled them, cheered with them and loved with them. I am abundantly blessed. I have two amazing dogs that provide me with a perfect love and companionship in my home. The love of a dog is definitely true love. :)
I have wonderful friends who are ALWAYS there for me and with whom I share many adventures.
I have an eclectic and beautiful family that love me unconditionally.
I have a loving Heavenly Father who has my back and a plan for me.
Love is all around me- I just need to open my eyes and bask in it.
4- Root your faith
This can be a rough one. As so much of the LDS faith is centered around families, sometimes not having a spouse or a family can make you feel like an outsider. I remember sitting in church, alone, and looking at all the families and just feeling sorry for myself. I went through a period of time where I questioned if I really wanted to keep going when I was consistently reminded of what I was lacking. There were a lot of hard years. But then I looked around me at the tapestry that is the members of the church and I realized that NO ONE fits the perfect mold. But we all have something to contribute. Right after I graduated from college, I was called to be Relief Society President in a newly formed singles ward. Shortly after being called, I was meeting with the bishopric and we discussed the focus of the ward. The bishop said that the focus should be getting people married and I, politely, disagreed. I told him marriage is inevitable for some because of the nature of the singles ward. Instead, I felt, the focus should be in building testimonies in our Savior. Because then- regardless of life circumstances- you will have that anchor that will carry you through.
Another thing I’ve learned on my journey is that faith is a personal thing. You will have many people in your life who will make different choices than you and you may find that your faith will change too. Just know that’s ok. Don’t judge others and their journey- instead love them and don’t judge them. But root yourself in what resonates for you.
For me. I realized the reason I go to church is to draw closer to my Savior which has nothing to do with my marital status. Once I let go of that comparison, I found my church attendance to be much more fulfilling and personal. As a single girl I have something of value to contribute.
5- Travel
Take advantage of the opportunity to travel! Save your money and go and explore! Get outside of your bubble and talk to people from different walks of life. Experience new cultures and new places! The world is wide and full of beautiful things- go find them.
6- Take care of yourself
Health is probably the most important thing in life. Get in the habit of exercising, making healthy eating choices. If you do, your future self will come back and high- five your present self. Health is a habit you cultivate. Make sure you develop good grooming habits, Be your best self- keep learning and growing. Feed your body, mind and spirit.
7- Find your tribe
This one ties into accepting love as it is presented to you. But it bears repeating- as a single gal, you will be alone a lot. You will attend some events alone, go to the movies alone- sometimes travel alone. So find your tribe. Find the people who ‘get you'. Also, don't be afraid to add diversity to your tribe. Find people of different backgrounds and learn from them. Keep and open mind and heart and you will never truly be alone.
8- Breathe
Learn to love your life and just enjoy it. Take the steps each and every day to cultivate beauty and wonder. Feel the feels, enjoy the sunshine, remember who you are, don't compare and just breathe and be thankful you have the amazing opportunities that you have. And don't forget, there is nothing wrong with you- your life is your own and it is beautiful.
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