I used to be somewhat good at this whole blogging thing. Then life happened and my time was consumed with other endeavors. But I've missed having a space to write my story. I used to journal, but then this blog took that place.
It's Sunday morning and all is very quiet. The dogs are napping on the chair and I have laundry from yesterday that needs to be folded. It's 9:00 am and I am still in my pajamas. It's a little chilly outside, but looks like it's going to shape up to be a beautiful fall day.
I love perfect fall days with a slight chill in the air.
Life continues to be unexpected and yet the same.
Recently I graduated with my Master Degree in Arts Administration from SUU. It was quite the journey and I honestly don't know how I did it on top of everything else. There were times in the past two years where I was merely surviving because my stress level was so high. But I learned a lot about myself and my capabilities. I learned that anything can be accomplished if you just take it one step at a time. That I really can do anything I put my mind to.
This past year of teaching was a hard one. I had a particularly difficult group of kids. Super talented kids, but difficult. Don't get me wrong, as individuals they were lovely- but there was just something about having them work together that brought out their mean sides. As individuals, they were great, as a group they were toxic. And it didn't help that my stress level was always at it's maximum. I considered for a brief moment leaving the teaching profession. The day I was seriously contemplating it, I received three letters from three different former students who were LDS missionaries. In each letter, they expressed their appreciation and love for me as a teacher. So, I decided to stay in hopes that it would get better.
My group this year so far has been very different. They are less competitive and more cooperative and they are genuinely kind to each other. I am grateful.
Right now I am directing "Guys & Dolls" it's a fun show but not without its share of complications. I feel like I'm three steps behind myself in trying to make sure everything is up to my standard. Putting on a musical is a ton of work and it's hard to do it as a teacher because although I do have help, I don't really have a production team. I just have such a high standard for myself and my students. I know it will be great, it always is- I'm just about to enter into the thick of it when things get hard and complex and I get overwhelmed.
I am also training to run a half marathon at Disney World in January. This is crazy pants to me. But I am trying to apply the lessons learned in grad school and take it one step at a time. Sometimed when I'm running I feel like "I can't believe I'm doing this" and then I keep going with confidence and drive. Sometimes I feel like, "I CAN'T believe I'm doing this" and I struggle to take another step because it's just so hard. The hardest part is sometimes taking the first step.
I also recently had someone reenter my life out of the blue. This person used to mean the world to me but then things abruptly ended. They say time heals all wounds and I think that is true to an extent. It's hard sometimes though because I am trying to create the new normal for us. He has changed a lot and is in a much better place than he was years ago. Before- our connection was full of high highs and low lows and now it is much more calm. It will be interesting to discover what will happen. I am grateful he came back, I am grateful he has had the courage to make amends, and forgiveness truly is such a powerful gift.
Love is an interesting bedfellow. Growing up I had a very limited view of love thinking it was only the love between husband and wife. Now, having never been married, I can't say my life has been devoid of love. Rather, it has been overflowing with love- it just looks different than what I thought it would be. I still wonder if I will ever find my 'happily ever after', and I wonder what it will look like. I wonder if I will ever get my "Mormon happy ending" complete with a temple wedding. That's all I ever really wanted. But, the older I get, the further away that dream goes. Not that I don't want that anymore, because I do, it's just more the accepting of what is rather than what I wish to be. Growing up there were specific things to check off as life milestones, but now there is a lot of grey areas as I discover my path as an adult. It's scary and exciting. And it's an adjustment. More than anything though, I am incredibly grateful for the love in my life and the people who share the journey with me. I am blessed beyond measure.
The dogs are still napping and I need to get ready for my day. I am going to try to get better at this blogging thing because I think it is important to chronicle my journey. If anything, it helps me remember.
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