Hope for promised blessings

I love General Conference. I love the quiet assurances and reminders.
Conference this time around has also seemed to carry a little bit of a theme... mainly that single men need to get their act together and find an eternal companion. And I agree, they do and if (by some miraculous event) I get married this year I think I will have to send a personal thank you to Elder Oaks, Elder Scott & President Monson. :)
It is an interesting time. I know so many amazing girls who are beautiful, smart, talented, spiritual, sensitive, and who will be amazing wives and mothers. And yet, they remain single- frankly it befuddles me. They for the most part, exercise faith, have hope and are continually seeking opportunities for personal growth. They are not perfect, but they are trying their best and it is hard. And if I may, I would like to include myself among this group.
Most of the time, I am so busy that I often don't think of my single circumstance. But, as with the talks in conference- I am reminded of how difficult it is to want something so much and yet have nothing. In those quiet moments, late at night when I just want to have someone to talk with or just BE there and there is no one but me.
And so life goes on and I continue to live, continue to try to have hope, continue to be worthy that the spirit may guide me. But I am scared. I am really great at falling in love. I am good at sacrificing whatever I think may be necessary in order to "make something work". I try to have continual optimism, I try to be understanding, I try to give space, I try to give enough clues, but not be too overbearing...
But, no one has chosen me. And it is hard to be reminded that I feel as if I am broken, sometimes feeling beyond repair- because if my experience holds true, being alone is all I know. And I am petrified to put myself out there again, I am scared that I will fall in love alone again, that I will find myself in the same situation for the rest of my life.
Sorry, I didn't mean to vent so much, I just feel because of past experience that there is no hope for me. Sometimes I feel it would just be better to throw my hands in the air- because marriage for me seems as likely as Santa visiting on Christmas. As real as the Easter Bunny and as probable as finding the ever elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...
I have no idea what to do. So, I just live and try to be happy. I just want to marry my best friend. I just want a witness to my life. I just want a child to call me "mom". I just want to mean Something to Someone. But, how?

Today

Sitting silently in a room waiting-
Waiting for something unseen but felt.
It's odd how the little moments glide by-
Unnoticed, unappreciated.

Life tramples with giant feet
Unaware of the damage left behind.
Irreparable, Irreplaceable, Irreversible...
Forgotten shambles.

Staring at the sky wanting something-
Something to cause a change.
But still staring- not doing.
So nothing- only same.

What will the catalyst be?
Shake the status quo-
Awaken a sense of rebirth-
Today.

Life is...

Life is ....

a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when you are starving-

key lime mousse pie-

thrilling-

staying up way too late giggling incessantly-

listening-

feeling like you belong-

reconnecting with an old friend-

sharing a moment-

twirling-

dancing like a goon-
a stage-

fleeting-

running on the treadmill-

full of hard knocks-

feeling utterly alone-

a classroom-

understanding who you are-

not understanding why things happen the way that they do-

HARD-

missing an opportunity-

seeing someone achieve their potential-

endless disappointments-

infinite hope-

seizing the moment-

holding someone when they cry-

music-

a breathtaking sunrise-

lying a loved one to rest in the ground-

holding a baby-

full of tears-

being held by someone who loves you-

unexpected...

Life is beautiful.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

High School Etiquette

So, I am nearing the end of my first year teaching high school. And wow, the future is in very interesting hands. Two days ago I was with some students at a pull-out assembly that was a musical/dramatic presentation about Cesar Chavez. It was done by a husband and wife team and was very informative as well as entertaining.
Well worth the time out of class.
But, the students... not mine of course- I would've killed them.
They were so rude! Talking during the presentation, not participating, acting 'too cool for school'. I was infuriated! Literally it was all I could do to not stand up and let everyone have a piece of my mind.
People on the phones, listening to music, talking to their friends, putting their feet up on the back of the auditorium chairs. I was so embarrassed to be among that group.
I gave so many death glares to students I don't know. Serious death glares- and they can be scary. Trust me.
I hate the lack of class and etiquette. It is appalling to me. I always feel like even if a performance isn't great you should at least respect the performer for having the guts to put themselves out there. And it's just getting worse.
I also hate the fact that I hear the 'F' word all the time. It's starting to creep into my brain on a regular basis... Yesterday I heard a kid in the hall saying, "I just tore my 'f-ing' pants" I wanted to say to him- just curious but what makes your pants so 'f-ing'? But, I am sure I wouldn't want to hear the answer.
Oh and don't even get me started on the vile things they talk about when they think I am out of ear-shot. It's disgusting.
And very sad- they shouldn't be in such a rush to deal with such adult things. They need to enjoy being young and should stay innocent. But in this environment, that is nearly impossible.
I just wish that respect and tact and refinement would make a come back with these kids. I wish they could learn.
And so I try to set and example, and I try to get through to them.

Maybe I will make a difference?

Sigh

5:56 AM
Insane.
Exhausted from this week. Thank goodness it is Friday.
Happy thought- My students kicked some behind at region drama. They are all going to state except three! I hope the three will be ok...
Crawl back to bed? No. Students are expecting me. Expecting me to teach, expecting me to listen, expecting me...
Life is strange.
Never what you think.
One day at a time.
I am ready to get off this roller coaster, I'm getting nauseous.

"Relationships are like glass.  Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."

The fluidity of it all.
You expect something, you hope for something, you pray for anything. And often you are left with nothing. No, not nothing entirely- just not what you expected.

[A] final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works. ~T.E. Kalem


I'm finally ready- ready to shut this door for good.
But with the end comes mourning, but also morning... and a new day.

Somebody

"Somebody hold me too close-
Somebody know me too well..."
I absolutely love this song. I love the message. I love the raw power.
I saw this production when it was on Broadway with this cast and it was amazing! One of the most memorable evenings I have ever spent in the Theatre.
"You've got so many reasons for not being with someone, but, Robert, you haven't got one good reason for being alone."
"Buddy- don't be afraid it won't be perfect, the only thing to be afraid of really is that it won't be."
"Blow out the candles Robert and make a wish- want something... want something..."
"Somebody crown me with love-
Somebody force me to care-
Somebody let me come through-
I'll always be there-
As frightened as you-
To help us survive
Being Alive!"

Little Miss Sunshine

Sorry for the somewhat depressing posts as of late. I've just been going through a lot, but I am feeling a lot better... it just took some time. I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel like I can breathe.
You know, I think it is so important to try and see things from a positive point of view. That doesn't mean ignoring the negative or pretending like everything is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. It just means changing your focus and perspective. At any given moment there are things that are wrong and things that are right- what do you choose to see?
I am grateful to have a sunny disposition. Even though life is hard, I know the sun will soon shine!!

School has been SOOOO busy! I knew that moving to a high school would make my life so much busier, but I didn't really comprehend all that it would entail. I am always at the school and always working on some production. (We had a student-written and directed night of one acts last night and they were AWESOME!) I feel so honored to be able to teach. I know that sounds cheesy, but it is true. Yesterday, I was coaching a few kids and helping them achieve their potential. I was talking a lot about emotions and connecting to the human in all of us. I love that about acting- it allows us to see the world from a perspective different from our own. It gives us a deeper understanding of choice and consequence and it allows us to feel something. I love these kids. I love that I am in a position to lift them and help them to realize their awesomeness! I know that I lament sometimes that I am still a single gal when I long so much to be a mother. Which I hope to be someday... but for the interim it's nice to change the world one student at a time. It's happy and fulfilling.
Here are some random pics from the one-acts last night, enjoy!

Yep, it really is AWESOME!

Smile!

Now for something that just always makes me smile!

Valentine's Day...

So, love. Hmph.
Stephen Sondheim is one of my favorite composers, but his musical, "Passion" drives me batty. It is a story about a love triangle- Giorgio- the dashing young soldier, Fosca- the sickly, ugly obsessive one and What's her face, the pretty one who is Giorgio's mistress.
As the name implies, it is about love. Here's the basic storyline.

• Giorgio and What's her face are having an affair, he has to leave for a new post where he meets Fosca. Fosca immediately is smitten with Giorgio in a stalker-ish way. He refuses her advances, but she pursues in the ultimate non-requited love. In the meantime, what's her face and Giorgio exchange letters.
• Fosca continues to pursue Giorgio and he retaliates- "Is that what you call love? This endless and insatiable- smothering- pursuit of me. You think that this love? I'm sorry that you're lonely, I'm sorry that want me as you do, I'm sorry that I fail to feel the way you wish me to feel, I'm sorry that you're ill, I'm sorry you're in pain, I'm sorry you aren't beautiful. But, yes I'd wish you'd go away and leave me alone! Everywhere I turn there you are, this is not love but some kind of obsession. Will you never learn when to far is too far? Have you no concern for what I feel, what I want?"
• Then Fosca explains her feelings- "Loving you is not a choice, it's who I am. Loving you is not a choice and not much reason to rejoice- but it gives me purpose, gives me voice to say to the world- this is why I live. You are why I live. Loving you is why I do the things I do. Loving you is not in my control. But loving you, I have a goal for what's left of my life. I would live and would die for you."
• So back to what's her face- she decides to end the affair with Giorgio and Giorgio all of a sudden realizes it is truly Fosca who he loves- "No one has ever loved me a deeply as you, No one has truly loved me as you have Fosca. Love without reason, love without mercy, love without pride or shame. Love unconcerned with being returned, no wisdom, no judgement, no caution, no blame. No one has ever known me as clearly as you. No one has ever shown me what love could be like until now. Not pretty or safe, or easy- but more than I ever knew. Love within reason- that isn't love, and I learned that from you."
• Then they have one night of passion and she dies.

So- why does this musical drive me batty? Well, besides the "awesome" storyline, I think it's because it hits so close to home for me. I don't feel I am as obsessive/weird as Fosca- but I swear I am the reigning queen of un requited love. And here on Valentine's Day- it's is glaringly obvious. I can't seem to get it right. Yesterday- I saw a person who I used to love with all my heart. A person who I felt that I loved more than I had ever loved anyone. And the relationship was a roller coaster. I never knew exactly what he felt, I never knew exactly what he meant, I never knew what to do. So, I just ignored the things that were wrong and I focused on what was wonderful (which there was plenty to choose from.) And about 4 months ago- I knew our relationship needed to change- but he didn't give me a choice. He just stopped talking to me. He ignored me. He made me feel like I didn't even exist. And it was excruciating. It was consistently in the back of my mind. I tried not to think about him. And in the course of the 4 months, I tried to reconnect with him about 5 times. I finally un-friended him on facebook because I couldn't bear to have his face pop up and remind me of how broken hearted I felt. And yet, I still felt like I loved him. And I felt like a fool.
And now I feel numb. He apologized yesterday, explained his foolish behavior, apologized again and embraced me multiple times-but I was so apprehensive. I wanted so much to feel... something... something either way. And I felt- nothing. He was very sweet to me, but guarded. Before I left I asked him, "what now?" So I guess we are now on speaking terms. But I still am so afraid he will treat me like I mean nothing. I never meant to have him influence me like this. I never meant to care so much.
He used to be one of my best friends, he used to make me laugh and smile like no one else could. He used to make me feel like I meant the world to him... and then without warning- he was gone. (And to be fair, he has some very valid reasons, so I can understand the why- I just don't agree with his methods)
So now... I am grateful for his apology. I am glad this is over. But I wish I knew my own heart.

Come take Drama!

At school, I have been working on a video for 9th grade registration to showcase all the awesome classes at Hunter High. Each of the videos are about 40 seconds long. Well, when I did the Drama one, the kids wanted an extended version, so here it is!
But let me know this, does this video make YOU want to take Drama? Let me know!