The Biggest Lie

Today inspiration came in an unexpected way. I was frustrated with how the holiday performing arts assembly had went (it is hard to be a perfectionist). I was waiting in the light booth for the bands, choirs and orchestra to take their yearbook photos- so I could shut everything down.
I was looking on face book and found a video uploaded from the site Upworthy. Intrigued by the title, "So Your Girlfriend Says She's Fat. Here's Why 'No, You're Beautiful' Isn't Always The Best Response."
Before I go on.
It's about to get real.
A woman's worth is inexplicably tied into her appearance. We glorify beauty, celebrate the ideal and spend every day not being good enough. From a very young age- I was the fat, chubby girl with the beautiful face and the great personality. My mother was always worried about me and I remember going on my first diet in the 4th grade. I went to the doctor's office and they brought out a mound of plastic melted butter like substance and told me it was the fat residing under my skin. I don't know if it was supposed to shock me, disgust me- but it just confused me. Although my Mom meant well, thus began my lifelong love/hate with my body. I soon joined a swimming team because I loved being in the water. However, it was a competitive team and I was neither the fastest, strongest or most skilled swimmer. But, I loved it- soon I was svelte and fit in the fifth grade. And for the first time in my life the boys on the playground noticed me. Because of early puberty, I had the body of a woman at that young age. But as a mentioned- I was not the best swimmer. My coaches were ruthless with me and soon all my friends advanced to the higher level- while they held me back with the younger kids. It held no joy for me and had become a chore. So, I was done.
I started sixth grade and spent a lot of time with my friends- my friends who could eat junk and remain stick thin. I honestly believe I ate like everyone else- and yet because of my decreased physical activity- I gained 60 lbs that year, and started 7th grade looking vastly different. No longer did the boys have any interest in me. And I kept dieting. And then life got excruciatingly hard. I am the first to admit- I eat my emotions. I love food- all kinds- it would comfort me when nothing else would. But, unfortunately my choices had lasting consequences.
By the time I graduated from high school- I was 280 lbs. In high school I was the eternal best friend. I went to all the dances- because I was always the fun 'safe' date. I tried so many times to lose the weight- just to fail, over and over and over and over again and again and again. I became quite the enigma- I was supremely confident and successful and yet I loathed myself and what I had become. To know me, was to love me. To be my friend was a bond that would last forever.
In my adult years, I finally had some success with my health (I say that because it was more of an increase of physical activity and an awareness of what I was consuming than a traditional diet). But still... I was not the ideal. And no boys noticed me. College was the time to find 'the one' and although I tried very hard, it just wasn't meant to be.
Throughout all this time- I perpetuated the lie that I had learned. That I was of less worth than others who did not struggle with weight. Because I carried my scars on the outward appearance I was not worthy. Because I was me- I was not good enough. And I believed it. I accepted it- hook, line and sinker. I would accept the crumbs that were thrown at me, accept the dysfunctional love relationships, accept that it was all I would ever be worth because I believed no one would/ could ever love me because I was fat.
It didn't matter that I am so much more. That I am a loyal friend, that I have a wicked sense of humor, that I love with all my heart, that I will give you everything I have, that I am successful, that I am beautiful, that I am kind, that I will always treat you with respect, that I will make you laugh and cry, that I will give you my heart, that I can create beauty in music, that I can inspire, that I work tirelessly teaching, that I will always believe in you, that I love so much of this beautiful world, that I would be your best friend, most trusted confidant and the best thing that ever happened to you. None of that matted because I am unworthy- because I am fat.
I think, if only I could finally have control over this issue, if only I could be the ideal, then and only then will I be desirable to anyone. Then only then, will I find true and lasting love. Because no one truly would love a fat girl, pity her, yes, love her? No.
This is the lie I tell myself.
Unfortunately, this lie makes me sad, and as I discussed before- I eat my feelings.
Have you ever eaten so much to fill the void inside that you make yourself sick and yet you keep eating because you have nothing else? The days where you are literally sick with your bloated stomach and you still reach for more because you need... something.
You need someone to care, you need someone to see all that you are, you need to believe that you are so much more.
Part of the recent healing process has been facing some cruel and harsh realities.
And, I'm ok.
Back to the video from Facebook-
It was a poem a woman had written entitled- "10 Honest Thoughts on Being Loved by a Skinny Boy"
These are my favorite parts-

"I say, I am fat- he says no, You are beautiful. I wonder why I cannot be both".
"My college theatre professor once told me that despite my talent, I would never be cast as a romantic lead. We put on shows that involve flying children and singing animals but apparently no one has enough willing suspension of disbelief to buy anyone loving a fat girl".
"On the mornings I do not feel pretty, while he is still asleep, I sit on the floor and check the pockets of his skinny jeans for a motive- for a punchline- for other girls phone numbers."
"He doesn't believe me when I tell him he's beautiful, sometimes I fear the day he does- is the day he leaves."
"The cute hipster girl at the coffee shop assumes we're just friends and flirts across the counter. I spend the next two weeks replacing my face with hers in all of our photographs. When I finally admit this, we spend the whole night taking new pictures- he will not let me delete a single one."
"The phrase, "Big Girls Need Love Too"- can go die in a fire. Being with me does not require an asterisk, loving me is not a fetish, finding me beautiful is not a novelty, I am not a novelty."
"I say, I am fat- he says- No, you are so much more and he kisses me, hard."

I am so much more. I need to believe it too. 
By believing- I can let go of the sadness. By believing and caring for myself I can see myself be all I can be. I can be healthy to make me feel good and I can let go.
So who I am anyway?
I am me.
And I am worth it.