At the end of every year I always write a blog post going over the highlights and what I’ve learned over the past 12 months. But this is not that blog, yet. So here is the pre-blog to the year-end blog (I still have a little bit more of December to experience). This year has been a trying one for me. My faith has been shaken- I’ve felt completely abandoned and yet… I’m still here. Still trying my best, still trying to understand and make sense of it all.
About six months ago, I was on cloud nine. Not to rehash it all, but I finally thought I would be getting all that I’d ever wanted, a family. It was finally going to be mine. We talked about marriage and I knew it would all work out- I wouldn’t have to wonder anymore and finally, yes finally... But before it could adequately sink in- everything changed and I was left abandoned. I had realized my biggest stumbling block was a fear of abandonment; how ironic that abandonment is exactly what happened to me. So, now that I’ve been completely abandoned, lived to tell the tale- I guess I no longer have any fears. As much as I have been blasé about the whole situation, in reality it has shaken me to the core of everything I am and believe in. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but it did.
Throughout my relationship with this person, I did everything I could to try to stay close to the spirit. In short, I was a very good girl- not perfect mind you- but a very good girl. And I have never felt more guided and inspired than I did when I chose to have him in my life. When I chose to stick by him through thick and thin, when I chose him. I never doubted that he was right for me, because I knew it deep down and I couldn’t deny it. I always knew it would be ok and I felt like we would be together- no matter what, and I felt the spirit confirm this to me. But, ah, free agency- choices, consequences, actions- fears.
I was wrong. He was wrong for me.
Then why did it feel so right? Communication from the spirit is a very tricky thing indeed. When is it our own emotions and when is it inspiration? I felt like I couldn’t trust my own feelings and promptings anymore. I realized that yes, maybe he was right for me, but he left me. In the end, he didn’t choose me even though I had chosen him. And that, my friends is a very hard pill to swallow. And so I started doubting- doubting the spirit- doubting myself- doubting the guidance I had received. I stopped praying for a while because I couldn’t stand the tears that would inevitably come. I wish I could now say I received an overwhelming spiritual experience that put me back where I felt ok, but the truth is, I’m still struggling to regain that relationship with the spirit.
I’m not perfect, but I’m trying my best. Church is hard for a single person. During the week, my life is filled with activity and interaction. On Sunday- I sit alone and am reminded of what I am lacking- a family. I am reminded of what I’ve always wanted- a family. People are gracious and welcoming, but at the end of the day I am still solitary.
I really want my own family. I’m trying to still have hope. I’m glad 2013 is almost over. There have definitely been some amazing moments, but overall- it’s been so hard.
And so, here’s to the last shred of lingering hope. Maybe it’s enough. Maybe I can regain some of my ability to have the spirit speak with me. Maybe I can have faith that someone will love me enough to choose me. Maybe.
2 comments:
I understand those feelings. Various trials have made the last several years, and the last few months in particular, the hardest of my life. I desperately want to feel the guidance of the Spirit but often I feel like I'm on my own. My hope is that I will someday know the reasons behind it all, but I do know that it will make me stronger. It seems I'm being prepared for great things. I can't help but picture my dad teaching me how to ride a bike. He lets go of the seat to see how I do all by myself but he's still right behind me all the way.
I hope you will feel peace in your heart. You are amazing.
I hear your heart. I wish I was closer so we could go out to lunch and I could give you a huge hug. Ironically, I spoke with my bishop about losing hope just last night. He told me to read a talk by Richard G Scott entitled, "Trust in the Lord". I have to say, I, too, have lost hope to a similar degree. I sit alone at church. I don't have any friends at church. I care for my two boys and go home. I have no real words of wisdom as I feel like I am floating in that same state of hopelessness with you. Just know that one can obtain the ultimate dream of having a family and find that the heartache still comes. God knows how to test us. I am walking with you and we will get out of this! I know it... at least I hope it.
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