The Masks of Life

I woke up wide awake this morning at 4 am. Wide awake. These past three days I have been at a conference for Theatre Teachers where I have been serving as the assistant conference director. Which means I've been quite busy and on top of that I've had a lot of turmoil in my personal life. So basically right now I am exhausted.
I went to a workshop this morning on characterization through the usage of masks. I had no idea what to expect and I had no idea it would have such an impact on me.

Basically you give the actors the mask to wear and if they allow themselves, they are free to be without any judgement and criticism. It really did minimize the feeling of everyone is looking at me. As the instructors explained the technique my mind was often wandering to all the personal stuff that I've been dealing with lately. But, then we were asked to participate.
I selected a mask and put it on and decided to immerse myself in the exercise. To let go of all the other feelings and thoughts and just focus on the task at hand. So I put on my mask and let my imagination go to work---
I was sitting on a beautiful green hill with freshly mowed grass, to my left was a majestic apple tree with the tastiest and most plump apples I'd ever seen. My task was simple- to pick the apple and put it in the basket- so I did. But then, magically, all the apples I picked disappeared. Irritating. So, I had to start again but this time I couldn't use my hands.
I still wanted the apples and so I figured out a way to use my elbows. And again, after awhile- the apples disappeared from my basket. So I had to try again, but this time- I had to use a different body part than before. This frustrated me and I was getting increasingly agitated- but I REALLY wanted that apple. So I used my feet which was difficult to do- and again the basket emptied. I was near tears and so frustrated. Just then, a tool appeared (an extendable shovel) and I used it to pick the apples. Finally, my basket was full and I took the last apple in my hand and sat down to enjoy it. I took one bite and then another. But suddenly the apple was full of worms and I looked over at the basket and worms were crawling all over the fruit. I was so defeated, upset, disgusted and hurt- after all the time picking the apples- this was my reward? Then we took off our masks.
Later the instructor likened the activity to the repetition of auditions. The need to try and try again and sometimes you still end up with a rotten apple.
As he said that, I came up with a completely different meaning.
The apples represented love for me (specifically love with a significant other) and every time in my life that I think there are apples in my basket- they disappear. So, I try different tactics, different approaches and still- nothing. But my most recent one- my basket was finally full- I was so close, so close I could taste it. And just when I thought I would finally get the apple- turns out it was rotten and full of worms. Turns out the whole basket was rotten and full or worms. Turns out the relationship was rotten and full of worms.
It was a little cathartic.
I also started thinking about all the masks we wear in life. How we choose often how others perceive us based on the mask we wear. This significant other was the master of masks. His most prominent mask shone to the word confidence, charisma, kindness, humor and loyalty. Then a few select people saw his mask of insecurity, pain, fear, doubt and loneliness. Then I saw his mean mask of blame, deception, and lack of ownership. The crazy things about masks is that he was (as we all are) in essence all of those things. He's just very good a putting on a mask depending on the situation.
But, aren't we all.
I'd like to think and hope that I don't hide behind masks. That what you see is what you get. I hate secrets, I hate deception and I value above all else honesty even when it is hard.
Maybe someday I'll get the apple...