Expectations

Expectation: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. “reality had not lived up to expectations”
It’s the morning of Christmas Eve and I’ve been up since 5:00 am. As per usual I’m scrolling Facebook and I’m reading posts about the Holidays, families, pregnancies, babies, engagements, wedding anniversaries, the Savior, wacky holiday parties and I am filled with many different thoughts and feelings.
In a week and a half I will be 40 years old. A year ago I was prepping to run a half marathon, and now I’ve gained almost 30 lbs and probably couldn’t run a mile- to be honest I’m disappointed in myself. I had come so far and made so many positive changes. But after the half was accomplished I sunk into a deep depression that has been hard to shake. But still, life marches on and this past year has been filled with beauty, wonderful moments and memories and plenty of hardship. (The most annoying thing about losing a lot of weight and then gaining some back is I really don’t have clothes that fit anymore because I gave them all away in good faith...) 
Anyway, back to Facebook- comparison always is a dangerous road to tread. Don’t get me wrong, my life is pretty sweet- but as I rapidly approach my birthday I am faced with the cold reality that I will never have children and will never be a mother. Now, you may feel the need to point out that I am still a maternal figure in many lives and I’m a dog mama and that I have much to contribute. I know all this and I’m grateful for these realities. But this morning I just need to mourn the loss of an expectation for my life. 
You know the phrase- I didn’t know what love and sacrifice was until I became a mother or motherhood is the highest calling or being a mom is what we are made to do or there is no more noble pursuit than motherhood... all of these wonderful sentiments hurt my heart. Because, you see there is extreme danger in a single story. Motherhood is amazing I’m sure, but it is not the highest and most noblest thing there is. It is simply a thing, a path that some choose, a path that some have thrust upon them and a path that will never belong to some regardless of the hours they spend pleading on their knees...
What’s my point in all this? I don’t know exactly. I guess it’s the fact that certain life experiences does not make a person better or more noble or more fulfilled than others. It’s just their path. I may never know what it’s like to sacrifice for my own child but you may never know what it’s like to create a product for hundreds of kids to shine, learn about themselves, discover talents and be successful. How is that less than? (And why do I feel like it is perceived as being less than?)
Anyway, sometimes expectations and reality clashing really hurt. I always try to make the best of my situation and be loving and teachable- but this morning, right now in this moment- I feel sad. Sad that I’ll never hold my own child in my arms. Sad that I will be 40 years old soon and my window to be a mom is almost closed. Sad that all the things that moms talk about will never be my reality (however I guess to put it into perspective, I will also not know all the stuff that really sucks)... I guess that’s the point, there are two sides to every situation- the beauty and the hardship. I always thought the day would come when I would meet the right guy for me and I would be able to have my own family with a husband and kids... and I still might, but the biological clock sure is ticking away. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...
Well, that’s enough of that- I just needed to allow myself to feel this sorrow.
Back to another matter at hand, my health. Like I said, I’ve gained almost 30lbs in the past year (10 of which have been in the past month) and I feel like a failure, especially with all my touting of running the half marathon and what I learned. Yes, I did accomplish a huge goal for myself, one that I am incredibly proud of. But then I struggled, hoo boy did I struggle. I justified choices and fell back into decades long habits and now I feel it in my almost 40 year old body. Why is it that 40 is considered over the hill? Ugh, so annoying- I remember being a teenager when my parents turned 40 and thinking that was soooooooooo sooooooooo old. It’s just feels like it’s this dark cloud looming over me.
So what now? Well, two days ago I spent about 45 minutes on the elliptical machine (mostly because I am in an Apple Watch activity challenge with my friend and he was getting dangerously close to getting a head of me for the week, so I had to get in a workout) and while I was working out, I had  some time to thing about my life. Regrets are hard because we can never get that time back. And yes, I ran a half marathon, and yes, afterward I’ve struggled and yes I am where I am right now. But what do I do next? As I was thinking, I thought about the word renaissance and how it means rebirth. I’ve decided going over the hill will mark the beginning of my renaissance. What is, is- what has been, was- but what will be is yet to be determined. Speaking of determination, I have no desire to buy new clothes, so for the next little while forgive me as my clothing is a little snug, but I am on my way to taking better care of myself.
I guess my point in all of this is that everyone, regardless of their circumstances, need to try to find joy in their journey. And that no story, no one, no situation is better or worse than anyone else’s. We are all just trying to make it, we all want to be loved and validated for who we are, and we need to extend that love and validation to everyone, especially those who don’t fit into societal or cultural boxes.  Heck, while we at it, we should also extend that love to those who are firmly rooted in the boxes, because they need that validation too.
Well, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and that we can all be a little more kind to everyone and especially to ourselves.