So it's currently 1:30 am and I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind.
1- Dating/Marriage in the Mormon culture- Recently I've been called to serve in the Young Women's organization in the LDS church specifically working with the gals 16-18. As a never married girl in a family ward, I am a bit of an anomaly. I have strong opinions on how Mormon culture grooms girls to feel like their worth is tied into their marital status (evidenced by my journal from my early twenties where I lamented being such an old maid... Ha!) I am seeking to change that opinion and molding in my own little corner, and it is hard. The lessons (so far) have not been marriage centric, but it seems like random conversations with the girls often are. And rarely about being married, just more the excitement of the wedding day itself. Sigh. It's an uphill battle. I don't like it when that subject dominates the conversation, I am reminded yet once again how I seemingly "failed".
2- Temple Marriage- the older I get, the harder it is to find single men who share my standards and beliefs. I've been wondering a little bit lately about this and wondering if I should expand my pool a little bit. I've always believed nothing is more important than a Temple marriage and whenever I envision that day, I see it taking place at the Salt Lake Temple. A dream I've had since I was a little girl and every time I look at that particular Temple I think to myself, that's where I'm going to get married someday... I have a good male friend right now (he is just a friend) and becoming friends with him has given me some pause. He is an incredibly good man and I hold him in the highest esteem. He is, however, not a practicing Mormon and has been quite candid when I've asked him why. I respect his reasons, because they are his experiences. In spite of the fact that he has not kept his covenants, he is truly one of the best men I've ever met. And it's made me think, could I marry someone who couldn't take me to the Temple? What is really the most important thing? Could I really give up my lifelong dream of a Temple marriage if I found a wonderful man who met my needs in every other way? I just don't know anymore.
In short- I don't know. I have strong beliefs and convictions about the LDS faith, but have been unsuccessful in my attempts to find a mate. All I've ever wanted is illustrated in the song, Love is Spoken Here- I see my Mother kneeling with our family each day, I hear the words she whispers as she bows her head to pray. Her plea to the Father quiets all my fears and I am thankful love is spoken here. Mine is a home where every hour is blessed by the strength of Priesthood Power, with Father and Mother leading the way- teaching me how to trust and obey and the things they teach are crystal clear for love is spoken here. I can often feel my Savior near- when love is spoken here.
That song illustrates the deepest desire of my heart. But my heart has changed over the years based in my experiences and disappointments. God wants us, as his children, to be happy. What if happiness is found outside the Temple covenant?
When it comes right down to it- I just want my own family, and thus far I have been increasingly unsuccessful... Sigh. I just don't know.
8 comments:
Thank you for being so open about your thoughts. While reading this post, I felt like the words were coming from my own brain (except the part about having a calling in YW, I totally don't know what that's like, but I applaud you on your mission to educate them about other things besides marriage.) I echo your thoughts, I don't know anymore either. People look at me with suspicion or pity when they know my age and that I've never been married. Number 1: I don't need pity, I'm good. Number 2: Just because I've never been married doesn't mean that I'm really picky or that I'm not worth marrying... it just means that it hasn't felt like the right thing with any of the guys I've dated so far. The guys I've had the best relationships with, in some ways like you, were guys that weren't LDS... they were genuine, good men who treated me with the respect a woman deserves. My quandary lately has been thus: does God want me to marry someone who I would have a great relationship with and could raise a family, or does he want me to continue as I am and possible end up being alone for the rest of my life? I struggle with it. I got to know a wonderful non-LDS man within the last year, and honestly, if this man wanted to make a life with me and marry me, I really don't think that I would have said no. Luckily, we are friends and I didn't have to make that choice, ha ha. Anyway, I'm writing a novel of a comment, but I just wanted to share that I feel where you're coming from! Though, I think I'm at the point where I need motivation to date at all. I have so many goals and dreams and projects that I kinda don't care about love anymore. I probably should. At least you still care about that! Props!
I hope it's okay to share this, but I feel like it may help a little in your confusion about this friend...I have a brother-in-law who is in his 30s, who thought that he wasn't going to ever get married, but wanted to very much. He had a co-worker-friend who was not a member of the church. They were friends for awhile, but eventually that grew into a relationship. While dating, she thought he was amazing (and he is!) because he didn't do all of the things the other guys she had dated did -- he was respectful, kind, clean-cut, etc. etc. etc. When they married, she got to know him on a deeper level, which is what happens when you marry. About 8 months into it, they got divorced. My point in telling you this is that marriage is hard work -- whether you marry in or out of the temple. There's no guarantee for happiness in a marriage...The most successful marriages are built on a firm foundation of faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ. This friend may be good and kind, but if you were to marry him, how will he want to raise the children you may have? Would he let you take them to church? Would you be okay going to the temple alone? Would you be okay going to church alone? Would his problems with the church leak into your every day relationship? I think so...While I married someone absolutely faithful in the church, marriage is still work for us. We don't agree on everything. We've battled severe challenges that drive some people to divorce. If you don't have a firm foundation in place with your mate, it will be even more difficult to weather the storms that *will* come.
If I'm out of line for saying all of this, I understand if you block my comment or delete or whatever...But I just felt like it needed to be said...I know I don't know you as well, but I remember your happy face very much from high school and I love your optimistic, happy attitude in which you approach your work and your life, that's why I have wanted to stay in touch via fb. :)
I can add my experiences and thoughts for you-- But in the end you will just need to do what is best for you and the future of course- :) I would say having a family and a marriage is awesome. But it is Not the temple that magically validates people's marriages as better or more likely to work... It is the choices of those involved. Perhaps the temple Sometimes helps. Sometimes finding a good mormon who has the temple as a goal means you find someone who has had making good choices in their life a big priority....someone who will have what it takes to be committed to work together. You might agree how to raise your children sometimes. Sometimes not. It really just comes down to finding someone you can trust with Everything-- and to bring children into it and teach them goodness and improve this crazy world. I know for myself that I'm happy to have my husband who happens to be a mormon and we did get married in the temple. Since I'm currently on a fence trying to figure out my feelings about church it Can Not be the Temple or Being Mormons we depend on to hold us together- It is our choices. There will be times you wonder why your spouse doesn't quit, or why you don't quit. I do think it's useful to make choices as if they influence eternity...to not be casual about creating life... However-- If I had hypothetically not found my "good mormon" as a husband...I think my current self would tell my hypothetical past self to commit to a someone good if there were such a person--anyway, mormon or not. I would not tie myself to the temple marriage so much, if there was such a man worthy and good and educated with good goals for life who would be a good father...who thought of life's choices as having eternal influence in some way--if he just happened to not be mormon, I would say to myself marry the man if there is ever such a one in your life woman! Work together, enjoy life, create life, teach your children well. You have such strength and knowledge of your goals and what is important- That is So valuable, man in your life or not. Perhaps men in the LDS culture are not taught enough to appreciate or even know how to interact with leadership as a quality in a woman. I also say, will you please be my daughters YW teacher if I can reconcile my personal strong belief that women and girls need something better within the Mormon church? I want to teach my kids much of the LDS life... I have conflicting feelings though. You will always be an amazing and valuable person to me whatever happens.
You have already had such wonderful comments. Mine are about the same... I married my husband in the temple. He blessed both my boys but has since left the church. Does this make our marriage hard? Yes. Impossible, no. Is he the most loving, genuine, caring husband and father? Yes. Is he the best man for me? Yes. There are only a few things that are hard... I go to church alone (well with two little boys), My boys will have a choice when it comes to religion, my Mormon friends look at me with sad eyes. I have no idea what the right way for you will be, but for me, I am OK knowing that I am living the faith I chose and that my husband is living the faith he has chosen. Will my children be hurt in the crossfire? I doubt it. They will go on their own spiritual journey and choose their very own path. Even if we were the "perfect Mormon family" whose to say if my boys would serve missions and get married in the temple. It is hard for me to believe that there is only ONE way to return to our Heavenly Father. My best advice, follow your heart. :)
P.S. I've been thinking all day about my previous response to you and feel that I need to expound on some things...
Don't sell yourself short. You can have both a righteous man and a good marriage. And you should hold out for that. My great-uncle served as a temple president and he told me that temple marriages have a 90% success rate and civil marriages have less than a 50% success rate. Based off of those statistics, where do you think true happiness is most likely to be found? In the meantime, look to Sheri Dew as an example for you. She has so much to say about your exact feelings and questions...
If you are faithful, sooner or later God will give you a faithful husband where you can be sealed for time and all eternity. That is the doctrine of Christ.
In Alma 41:10, Alma states that "wickedness never was happiness." Even though your friend is a kind person, he cannot truly be happy outside of the church. And if your relationship with him should grow serious and possibly lead to marriage, you will not have a complete happiness either. Happiness is found in obeying the commandments of God.
Don't worry about peoples ideas of "proper" marriage age as perpetuated through the social part of the church. It's not doctrine and it never has been. Instead, wait until the right man comes along. And the right man will be worthy to take you to the temple.
The "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet says, "Choose today only those who have high moral standards and in whose company you can maintain your standards."
The young women you teach look up to you. You are in a position to be a great guiding influence for these girls.
My husband has recently decided that he is an atheist and I can't even begin to tell you how much I hate it. I hate it so much! We are not united. Our relationship that has always been an easy one is now extremely hard. I don't feel like I can talk to him about anything without starting an argument. So, we are growing distant because we can't talk about anything that isn't superficial. I hate the question "why isn't Dad going to church today?" I can only use the excuse "because he isn't feeling well" for so long.
Having said that: I felt very strongly when we were just starting to date that he was right for me. I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to do my best to stick it out and pray that he will return. But man, this is the last problem I would ever want to have. All other problems I feel we could handle together along with God's help. Now I am on my own to solve this. I still feel small reassurances from Heavenly Father, but when you're dealing with the free will of someone else it's hard to be optimistic. I wouldn't wish this trial on anyone.
It's not like I know everything--and I already gave myself away as having qualms with church so to some that invalidates anything I think. (We aren't allowed to have qualms after all!!) ;) But I feel I should throw in my 2 little cents just for balance. Probably not the popular viewpoint here amongst mormons. (because yes, Sheri Dew is great...sure-But you are yourself, not trying to be other people...) The LDS church is amazing- I will agree with the Strength of Youth pamphlet on standards- Those are true words. But if we were to try defining "wicked" as meaning "not in the church" we would be Very very far from the truth. If hypothetically you did find a man worthy and good who just happened to be Buddhist instead, or some other religion, or just no religion, yet with reason and intelligence and goodness.... I would feel regretful myself to turn down that person just because of a label. A paper saying he can get married in a certain building... Kjersti you are wonderful. Don't let hypothetical fears hold you back. The hypothetical fear that 'secular' marriages fail half the time....those are other people. The supposed successful temple marriages--- they are other people too! Where can you find true happiness? Not from other people's statistics--that is certain! We can take what good we can from any religion--in the end It will be the choices you make- and in a marriage the choices you make together that determine how things will be. If there is a man committed to goodness, yet not necessarily the mormon church I say don't rule him out if he is truly a good man! The thing is, nobody knows for sure what future choices others will make... but trust yourself at least a little bit. I think you will know if a man is worth your while. Plenty of people find their temple marriages and they don't work out, or they do. I will not believe the 90% successful rate for temple marriages...ha! Not a thing you can measure very easily is it? But of course we mormons pass along folk tales as facts all over the place. If you DO find a man who loves you and knows your worth in every way- who makes good choices and is interested in improving himself and supporting you and a relationship with you... and will be a good father to children-- YOU will know-- Not your bishop, not other church people- You yourself. It will be hard either way. If you feel you should pursue this friend to find out if he is a worthwhile man you should follow your convictions and get to know him- If I know you even half as well as I think, you aren't some gullible 14 year old who will be easily misled-- You will know. And there will be people to support you. And there will be people who think you've settled or fallen or become wicked or something. But the thing with marriage and family is trying to figure out the best thing to do without giving in to pressures from others who think they have the absolute answer for you. Sorry for the longness- I am just saying what I hope someone would say to me if I were in your situation. Personal revelation sometimes needs more emphasis in these things I think- There are plenty of people to put in for the Only the temple perspective. And that's a valid perspective too. I just know if I were in your spot and the man was genuinely worth the while, I would regret leaving him behind for the temple, when it is really the convictions and choices of the two married that is important. Keep us all updated on how it goes lady.. :D You are awesome.
GK -- I am sorry that you took some offense at my comments. I am sorry that you are struggling yourself with how you feel about some aspects of the LDS Church. I sincerely feel bad...I hope you can find peace and happiness, too.
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